FLAME

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Surprise kiss

“Remember this, Ava. Remember I am your first and I intend to be your first in everything.” He said stroking my cheeks and took steps backward… further away after a kiss on my forehead.

Have you ever felt like erasing something from your life? It was the one thing that you have wanted for your whole life yet when it’s in your hands you feel like abandoning it and run away. Something inside you keeps shouting at you to turn your back and walk away.

That’s how I felt that night after Vian left my bedroom. I walked away to get to the door after begging him with my eyes not to leave. I looked back one last time before I turn the knob of the door somehow knowing that he wouldn’t be there. As expected I heard a loud thud outside my window and I know he is gone… just like that.

“Hey, Aves.” Jay was standing in front of my door half asleep with disheveled hair.

“Jay… What are you doing? Do you need something?” I asked him looking back again to ensure that Vian’s really gone… not lingering around.

“No… I thought I heard some noise from your room which woke me up from my sleep. So I came to check what it might be since you are not supposed to be here. Are you ok?” he talked, rubbing his eyes and failing to keep his eyes open. I guess he must be tired.

“Uh… change of plans. We can talk tomorrow. You don’t have to worry. Go back to sleep… sorry for waking you up.” I apologized and hurried him to go back to bed.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I was on cloud nine reliving our kissing moment again and again, but I also couldn’t help that bad feeling piercing through my heart distracting me from my intoxicated state. At those times, my chest felt heavy and my mind kept telling me that I did something wrong.

My final thought was, I should’ve pushed him away but I didn’t. But the most important thing is, I feel guilty… yes… not for kissing him but for not feeling guilty about kissing Vian. I must have gone crazy. No matter what I do to convince me otherwise, part of me enjoyed it and still enjoying the memory and that’s what I hate the most.

This is so wrong in many ways, but I don’t feel an ounce of regret. Kissing him felt so… right.

The next morning when I went to see if Jay was ready to go to school, I was shocked to see Vian on the bed sleeping like a baby bear half-naked not bothered about the world which doesn’t do any good to my plans that which was avoiding him by all means.

I slowly turned around to leave before I could wake him but Jay called me who came out from the bathroom just in perfect time.

“How is he here?” I asked Jay while he got ready.

“I don’t know. He must’ve climbed through the window.” He said moving around looking for something.

‘I should nail all the windows shut in this house.’ Thinking that I handed him his tie that he was looking for, taking it from under the bed. These boys just kick and throw things wherever they please. I feel pity for their future wives.

“So why were you sleeping here last night?” I asked him since they both planned to stay the night at Vian’s.

“Well, that idiot abandoned me last night and went somewhere. By the looks of it… I guess he got himself hammered. So I came here to sleep because I didn’t want to be alone at his house,” he said looking at Vian who was still sleeping.

“Time to wake up.” He hopped on the bed and tried to wake Vian, but he just mumbled something and went back to sleep. “I should find out why he got drunk.” Jay talked to himself and started shaking Vian vigorously out of his sleep.

I thought I would rather him not find it. But I don’t know how Vian’s going to tackle this situation. After a few failed attempts, Jay forced Vian to sit up and made him drink some water.

“What are you doing here? How did you come in and when did you come in?”Jay bombarded him with questions as soon as Vian came out of the shower.

“I don’t know. I don’t remember anything about last night.” He said buttoning up his shirt while looking in the mirror.

“You don’t remember anything?” my voice was full of expectations. I didn’t know what I was expecting him to say anyway.

“No… The last thing I remember was saying goodbye to Jay. And then I went to get the whiskey from my Grandpa’s stash and I got drunk and then…” he paused and squinted his eyes frowning trying to remember.

“I don’t know. I don’t remember anything after that, and this headache is killing me.” he sat on the corner of the bed massaging his forehead.

But before that, his eyes caught mine and made contact for a second. And I knew that he was lying. Call it a hunch or the fact that I know my best friend better than anyone. He didn’t forget everything although I couldn’t guess to what extent.

I was hurt, but I was also relieved to hear that…why? I have no idea. I guess he must’ve thought of me as Hazel in his drunk state and kissed me after babbling all those things. Now he is ashamed and regretting it… that must be it.

I don’t want to remember last night either. But how could he?

I was annoyed and upset about the fact that he wanted to escape by pulling this cheap trick of alcohol-induced amnesia or ignorance or whatever… but I was also relieved that I didn’t have to deal with it now. I wasn’t ready to talk about it either.

As soon as we entered the school campus, Ryan came to me with his brightening smile as always. I walked to him smiling back thinking that I would do anything to keep that smile on him… weird.

And then I did something that no one expected… not even me. I tiptoed and snaked my arms around his neck when he bent down to hug me and then I kissed him on the lips. It wasn’t an actual kiss I would say. More like in-between a peck and a chaste kiss and wasn’t long. I was surprised myself, and I could see it on Ryan’s face as well.

“Wow…what was that?” Ryan asked me with widened eyes. He looked surprised, but he didn’t let me go. His grip on my lower back tightened, and I realized one thing at that moment which is that I didn’t regret kissing him… but I wouldn’t deny the fact that it did make me nervous and confused and made me ask questions about myself.

“I don’t know. I just… did it?” it came out more like a question. I kissed him on instinct. I didn’t think about it twice, and it just made me more confused after the kiss.

“Whatever it is… I like it.” his smile widened, and he leaned down to kiss me back.

We walked to the class together, and I saw Vian looking at me with those hurtful eyes. I couldn’t stand it, so I looked away.

And I kept thinking the whole day, ’What was that?’ ‘Why did I do it?’

………………………………………………………………………………

Do you feel the tremors?

Does your heart feel it, just like mine?

Is this an earthquake?

If I told my eyes,

If love could be a person, it’s you.

Would my eyes believe me?

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