FLAME

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He and I against the world

Fast forward 5 years

Vian’s POV

It was the last day of our tour. It felt good to be home after several months of travel. This year’s tour was a success and everyone was happy how all the places were fully booked. We added extra shows in some venues since the tickets were sold in the blink of an eye.

It was incredible but at the same time terrifying how people shower us with their love. Some days I wanted to run away and hide from all the attention like today.

Everyone was busy backstage running here and there to make sure everything was perfect since it was our last show of the year. The makeup artist was touching up my makeup, and someone was checking whether my mic was working properly. But I was in a daze. My mind refused to register anything that was happening around me.

I received news that morning that my grandmother had passed away. I was devastated and broken after hearing the news, but I didn’t let my tears fall, not even a single drop.

I wanted to look like I was strong but also I didn’t think I deserve to cry. I should have been there for her. The makeup artist was touching up my makeup, and someone was checking whether my mic was working properly. Even now I couldn’t go to her. Instead, I was getting ready to entertain people. I should run to her...to my family without thinking about anything. They needed me now as much as I needed them but I was wearing a fancy dress, covering my tired face with makeup, and looking at the mirror in front of me trying to find myself in the person it reflects.

I was devastated and broken after hearing the news, but I didn’t let my tears fall, not even a single drop. Because that was not me, I couldn’t recognize myself. I didn’t know who I. Everything was a blur. Thousands of thoughts swirled in my mind and I was overwhelmed with lots of emotions and uncertainty. I didn’t even know what I was going to do next.

“Hey man, you ok?” Jay asked me standing behind my rolling chair looking at me through the mirror.

There he was, my best friend. I started to miss him because there is no way he leaves me alone when I am like this.

He turned my seat towards him which made me look down to hide my face. It was not like he didn’t know because he was one of the persons in this world who can say what I was thinking and feeling just by one look at my face. I just didn’t want to make him upset before the show. We feel each other like we are one person, that’s how close we are. He cries with me when I cry and I am glad at least I got him.

He bent down to my face level and slowly wiped the tear that escaped from my eye. I didn’t realize I was crying until then.

He hugged me tightly holding my head over his chest. He was asking me to let it all out. That’s who Jay was, he doesn’t give a damn about a thing more than my well-being. But I can’t, not right now. Not when I have thousands of people waiting for me to come on stage and make them happy.

I pushed him away slowly which made him frown. I gave him a reassuring smile that I was ok. It was hard but biting my tongue helped a little.

He tried to hug me again but thankfully the staff informed us that it’s time. We lined up behind the stage and did our group chant like we always did before the show.

On stage, the first thing my eyes did was to search for her...Ava.I know I won’t find her but it became a habit to me searching for her everywhere in the crowd and everyone.

Ava, she was my best friend. Me, Jay and her, we used to go to school together. She was everything for us. She was sick for a while, but I couldn’t stay with her because of my work. She came into our lives like a rainbow, painting colors in a cloudy grey life of ours. But I ruined everything, I pushed her away. I lost her because of my stupidity.

Now I am lost in this deep ocean. Every time I tried to swim, life sends a big wave of loneliness to drown me. Even though Jay was with me walking every step of it, without her, there’s this blank space in my life which I couldn’t fill, no matter what I did. I wanted to throw away everything and run to her. She was the only person in this world in whom I can find solace right now.

Jay didn’t leave my side for the whole show. His hand was either winded on my shoulder or around my hip. Sometimes he holds my hand and we sing together. I knew what he was trying to do. He didn’t want me to feel alone. Sometimes it was easy to feel alone even though you were surrounded by thousands of people.

But I tried to stay away from him because this will be interpreted differently by our fans. Some videos were going around on YouTube saying that we are gay and in love with each other. Some even say that we are already married. Even though they do that ‘ship’ thing with every other member in the band, the company was disturbed by our videos since it was getting a lot of attention and warned us to be careful in public.

But that day I guess Jay didn’t give a fuck.He knew that I needed him, and he was there for me. I was so glad that he was with me for the whole journey. My life would have been a disaster if not for him. He was my brother, my best friend, and my soulmate. It was always like that, he and I against the world.

After the show, they held a meeting to discuss my situation. We have already scheduled a shoot for a variety show after two days of our concert. Since I have to leave now urgently, everything was a mess. He knew that I needed him, and he was there for me.

All these years I never went back. I always called my grandparents to my place for the vacation and spent time with them. I never once looked back after I had left everything behind that night. Now coming back brings back a lot of memories of my past.

I grew up with my grandparents until I finish high school. My mom died and my dad visited me during my vacation. Life was good. I loved my Grandma more than anyone. She was my pillar and inspiration. She was always there for me and so I never thought about losing her until now. I guess you only realize their worth when you lose them. Losing her felt like I lost a limb.

I lost everyone I love from my life. I have no idea what I would do if I lose Jay too. Now I miss him too. I wish I took him with me. I would have felt a lot better if he came with me to the funeral. I wiped away the tears that escaped my eyes and leaned my head on the flight’s window.

Grandma’s funeral went ok. I pretended to stay strong because my Grandpa and my family needed me. I should be a support to them. After a long day I came to my room, suddenly coming into the quiet room felt creepy. It felt like the room was trying to engulf me wholly.

I sat on my bed and supported my head with my hands trying to relax. Every emotion I boxed up came right in like a broken dam. Tears started falling uncontrollably. I tapped my foot on the floor vigorously blinking back the tears trying to stay in control but it was not working. I wished someone was there with me. I didn’t want to be alone at that moment.

As he heard me, I received a call from Jay. I didn’t want him to worry, but I needed someone to talk to so I picked up the call.

“Hey babe, how are you?” he cooed in a soft tone. It’s our thing, calling each other sweet names.

That’s it. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I broke and started to cry like a baby on the phone.

“I really can’t do this Jay. She is not here anymore. I miss her so much. I want to lie down on her lap and cry. I want to feel her hand combing my hair caressing.“I said incoherently while crying hard.

“I am alone right now and it’s so scary. I think you need to come here, Jay. I don’t think I can be alone right now.“I started talking senselessly. I didn’t know if I was crying for losing my grandma or being alone without her in her house.

“Look babe, just listen to me...okay?” Jay tried to console me. His voice croaked a little. I guess I made him cry too. I can understand him because I never cried like this not in front of him at least.

We don’t know what we talked about but finally, I calmed down. He even made me smile a couple of times. That was why I thought it would be great to have my best friend with me there. After an hour or so, I told him I was ok and forced him to cut the call. After all that crying and talking to my best friend, I was relieved but I couldn’t sleep.

I sat on my writing table opening my journal. Ava used to tell me to write a journal when I feel something that I cannot talk about. Losing my grandmother made me remember losing Ava and that wasn’t something I can talk to Jay about.

I don’t have any tears left to cry.

I don’t even feel sad anymore.

I am lost without you.

I am just hanging by a thread.

I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I wanna keep fighting as I promised.

But I don’t know how long I can keep going

I wanna let it all go,

And fade away.

I wanna stop swimming,

And let myself drown.

I wanna let go now.

Come find me, as you promised.

After finishing my journal, I lied down on my bed closing my eyes. Slowly memories of my high school days...memories of us started playing in front of my eyes. This time I didn’t try to stop it.


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Enjoy reading -T

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