29 - Lessons Learned
My Dearest Sol,
It was not easy but it was worth it, Love. They said we would not make it but we did.
They said I may not be able to see you but here you are, sleeping in a crib beside me with your sweet little face lighting up with a smile every now and then, maybe dreaming of your guardian angel.
They said I may not be able to take care of you but there are always ways to show my love for you through things that I can do.
I can still sing for you although, I can only go as far as four lines before catching my breath. I can still change your diaper and your clothes when my hands aren't trembling too much after Papa gives you your bath. I can still carry you in my frail arms while Papa pushes us around in my chair along the pebbled pathway Grandpa Ted made for us on the beach. My hands can still manage to lay soft touches on your little body when I give you a massage. Most of all, one I'm most proud of, I can still be your only source of nourishment for the next few months as I feed you from my bosom.
I want to be able to do the most of what I can for you, my son. I take my every breath for you. Every beat of my heart is for you. Every ounce of my energy I will give you. Every strand of my life is yours.
Soon, my love, I won't be able to catch up with you. You will be running around and I won't be able to follow. You won't need me to nurse you. I promise to cook for you when I can. I hope I can still do that when that time comes.
A time will come when I won't be able to sing to you or speak to you or touch you or see you but know, my love, that Mama loves you always.
You might wonder what's wrong or if it's anyone's fault. Nothing's wrong, my sweet. It's nobody's fault. It's just sometimes, some things happen in life and they're meant to be that way so we can learn and live and love the way we are meant to.
Sol, my son, I pray that I will have more years to be with you and prepare you for that time when we can't be together anymore. We can't be sure how long but know that I loved you with all my heart in every second I was with you and that I will continue to love you forever after.
You hold my heart in those tiny hands of yours, my Sol.
My son, I wish I could show you, but with the uncertainty of our future, let me tell you, for now, two lessons that I learned in my life.
One: We only go through this life once so be the happiest that you can.
Live to the fullest. Take risks. Make mistakes. Follow your heart. Chase your dreams. Pray and hope. Cry, laugh, fear and be angry but most of all love.
Which brings us to number Two: Love is ALWAYS worth it. I did not want to fall in love with your Papa before. I was scared and stupid. I was afraid to get hurt or to cause pain because of love but I soon learned that love is the greatest thing that can ever happen to a person and love is always worth the risk.
So, my dearest, Live and Love.
When you find love, embrace it. I did. Your Papa did. You should too.
I love you, Sol. You will always have my heart and I will always be with you no matter what, even when you don't see me, even when I'm far away.
You and your Papa are the sunshines of my life and I can say that I have lived to the fullest because of you.
Sol folded the letter and smiled as silent tears flowed from his eyes.
"I love you, Mama." He whispered to the wind as he sat on Sunshine's favorite spot on their front porch facing the beach and the ocean that she loved.
Don't fear death.
“The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity.”