Get a grip Ella
My heart is fucking racing like no tomorrow, an incessant pulse felt throughout my whole entire body. My emotions are running wild, so fucking wild. Anger for one, regret another, sadness a third, and lastly worry.
Ellie for obvious reasons claiming my mind.
She infuriates me, sometimes she can be so closed off it’s truly maddening. She wouldn’t tell me what was wrong and she wouldn’t let me fix it. It kind of hurt. Okay if I’m being real, it was like a punch to the gut, a hell of a punch too.
What made me even angrier were the words flowing right out of my mouth like a fucking fountain. I couldn’t stop them, they just came out before I could even catch them. Each word that spilled out hurt her more each time. I could see it and I couldn’t even stop it.
She was crying, no balling and the sight made my heartache. But the thought of her keeping something from me was powerful enough for me to keep my distance. I wanted to hug her, to kiss her tears away, to just touch her. But I couldn’t give her my comfort, not when she couldn’t be honest with me.
If only she could understand her worries aren’t a fucking burden to me. If she carries them, then I carry them too, it’s that simple. She needed to just apprehend that.
Now all I can see is her all upset like a stamp etched in my mind. Her little hiccups jerking her whole body, her sad puffy eyes, and reddened cheeks. Her hair was even sticking to her face due to the moisture leaking from her eyes.
She was a mess, still as angelic as ever though.
She tried to touch me but I pushed her away. I even walked out on her, I forced myself to. I didn’t want to hurt her more than I already was. I couldn’t stand seeing her sadness any longer.
She needed to tell me on her own accord, I couldn’t force it out of her. She had to say whatever it was willingly. Until she can do that, no matter how hard it will be, I will wait.
A cigarette would be really fucking great right about now, but I wouldn’t smoke behind Ella’s back no matter how mad I am at her. That shits done with.
“Declan.” Riley murmurs from the back seat.
I glance into my review mirror so I can see her. “Yes?”
Her big blue eyes watch me, an innocence clinging to her. She tilted her head to the side as if she were thinking. “I thought Ellie was coming, how come she’s not with us?” She queries.
A sigh leaves my lips. How do I explain this to a five almost six years old? I wasn’t going to lie to her, because one day when she’s older I want her trust. She should never have to feel like she has to lie to me either.
Before telling her, I blow out a big breath of air. “Loving somebody always has its ups and downs. Nobody’s relationship is perfect,” I say, my hands squeezing the steering wheel. “Ellie and I got in a disagreement so now we need some time apart.”
“But why?” She questions. “If you love each other then why did you fight?”
Oh, Riley...if only life were that fucking easy. Five-year-olds and their questions, I swear. She can really be curious sometimes and it can be really difficult to answer some of her questions.
“Not everyone is alike Riley, sometimes differences cause problems,” I explain, taking a left onto the road of my apartment. “If everyone was perfect, life would be boring.”
She frowns. “Are you upset, D?”
I smile, one thing I love about Riley is her heart, she had a huge heart just like my Ellie. Her concern had my anger reducing at an accelerated rate. “Not at you baby girl, just at the world.”
“I hope you guys are better soon,” She murmurs, her head resting on the window. “I don’t like when you’re not happy.”
Oh, another thing about five-year-olds, they have like super senses or something for anyone who hasn’t noticed.
“Me too,” I mutter to myself. Me too.
One night and almost a full day without seeing Declan really sucks.
It feels like forever, maybe even like a whole century, not even exaggerating.
No calls, no texts, and no communication. To say I was in a mood is an understatement. Anger and sadness clutched me like a brand new skin and not a favored one. Not seeing him is something I’ve decided I’m not very fond of.
Hurt could be a really strong feeling, and right about now for me it was pretty pronounced. Like ice chilling my skin, carving my nerves, and amplifying all my dense emotions.
Courage and confidence were two character traits I lacked, so apologizing is kind of, well is exceedingly nerve-racking. With the way he looked at me still lodged in my mind, it made everything harder. Our fight is still quite fresh.
He was just so angry, and it was all directed towards me.
My mom’s attempts to talk to me were unsuccessful due to me both ignoring and rejecting each topic she so gracefully brought up. Talking about my feelings would only make me feel that much worse, a reminder of all my stupid faults that I had yet to rid myself of.
My mistake, my problem, and my responsibility to fix it.
Now as the weekend falls short, coming to an end, my mind is all worn out. I force myself to put on my big girl panties and apologize. Even with swollen eyes, puffy cheeks, and the trembles, I will stutter out an apology because that’s how desperate I am.
I miss him, I miss him so fudging much it’s painful. It’s only been a single day without him and I feel empty without his presence.
Does he feel this? This pressure, like a heavy transparent force pushing you down. It feels like I’m stuck underwater with no way up and even to inhale the smallest bit of air takes a great amount of effort. Almost impossible.
Does he miss me as much as I miss him? Does he even want to see me or talk to me? Is he waiting for my apology?
Is this really how much I rely on Declan? To the point where without him I’m just glum, just a fraction of myself. He’s the one who makes me who I am.
He’s my best friend, he’s my everything.
Knowing he’s mad at me and hasn’t even reached out makes me kind of sad and super lonely. But it is my fault after all.
Pulling myself out of bed (where I’ve spent literally all my time sulking) I walk to the bathroom and splash cold water onto my face. Putting on deodorant was a real effort, I didn’t even bother brushing my hair. Instead, I threw it up into a messy bun.
What if he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say? What if he rejects me again? If he rejects me I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to take it, I’m pretty sure I’ll crumble into a million little pieces of shattered porcelain.
As my feet pad down the stairs, they creak in loud and quiet spurts of sound. Once downstairs, I check my pocket for my phone and wallet, then grab my keys and out the door I go. Nobody’s home to say goodbye to anyway.
As I drive my head thinks of every little thing, scenarios that will never happen essentially. To distract myself I turn on the radio and to my surprise, the song ‘The Scientist’ is what plays. Is that a sign or what?
Worry hangs low and unforgettable deep in my chest. Cold sweat swaddles both my hands and feet. Every so often I have to wipe my hands on my sweatpants so the steering wheel isn’t slippery.
Get a grip Ella.
With night driving comes blinding headlights, speeding cars, and uncomfortable silences even with the radio on. When no cars are around and it’s just you all alone surrounded by darkness, it’s kind of creepy feeling.
Coming up to a gas station, I pull in and park then get out of my truck. I’m here for only one thing, peanut butter ice cream, also known as Declan’s favorite. Yes, I’m getting him ice cream, a whole half gallon of it.
After stiffly walking to the ice cream aisle and getting what I came for, I go to the cash register to pay. My hand slightly shakes as I hand the man a five-dollar bill, my eyes stay glued to the counter the whole time.
When I receive my change, I’m up and out faster than you can say ‘two peckered billy goat’. The whole exchange reminded me of the first time I’ve ever gone to Declan’s apartment to watch movies, I was beyond nervous just like right now. We had a food fight with popcorn that day, the memory had a sad smile planting itself right on my lips.
Reaching Declan’s apartment had my stomach twisting with crippling anxiety. My eyes were already tearing up and I haven’t even seen him yet. Maybe it was the tiniest bit of fear of him rejecting me, or maybe it’s because I’m a baby.
Grabbing the ice cream I force myself to open the door and get out. My steps are slow and heavy, almost like I’m trudging through thick water. Tension explodes in every one of my muscles making my movements both unnatural and robotic looking.
Stress is shown in the way my fingers continually tap my side, fast and soft against the fabric of my sweatpants. In my head, I rehearse what I’m going to say.
In front of his door, I stand staring at the black paint for hours (really only five minutes). My eyes are already damp and my cheeks are most likely blotchy. Lifting my hand up I shakily knock three times, and after hold my breath.
Little knots twitch in my stomach as my heart beats rapidly.
Seconds later the door drifts open, light spilling out. My breath catches in my throat at the sight of him, my body goes slack. Everything I was going to say is suddenly gone, my mind blank, wiped clean.
His chocolate hair is a beautiful mess, his eyes shaded a darker forest rimmed with little blue circles, and his lips perfect. No shirt covered his chest, just his tan skin and fainted scars. Athletic shorts hung on his waist.
My lips quiver as I looked at him, the ice cream in my hands now seems ridiculous.
“Ella, what are you doing here?”
When I hear his voice I just about lose it. “I’m s-s-sorry.” I choke out, immediate sobs building in my chest. I can’t even look at him, I feel so bad.
The ice cream I’m holding gets taken out of my shaking hands, causing my arms to go limp against my body. Warm arms then pull me forward, knocking me right into a familiar hard chest. I melt in the whole definition of the word.
Declan’s holds me as I hiccup into him. Over and over again I repeat the same apologetic words. “I’m so-sorry, s-so so sorry.”
“Enough with that.” He murmurs, his voice soft as feathers.
Just as I’m about to apologize for the millionth time his finger brushes down my lips silencing me. He then picks me right up as if I weigh nothing at all and carries me inside shutting the door.
He sits down on the couch cradling me in his lap. I can’t help but curl into him, his wonderful smell invading my senses. Ugly tears stain my deep cherry colored cheeks. His fingers lift brushing the hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear.
“Shh.” He hums, giving me time to settle down.
Just as my hiccups become non-existent, I find the words I need to tell him. “D?”
“Yes, baby?” He coos, running his hands through my hair.
My fingers begin to fiddle with the end of my shirt as I try to think of how to say what I need to say. “At the m-mall.” I start, pausing nervously.
“It’s okay, go on.” He encourages.
So I do as he says. “Everything was fine, I was overwhelmed but I thought I could handle it,” I admit quietly. “So when Olivia and I ate lunch, I tried to keep myself occupied by not thinking about my a-anxiety.” His fingers trail down to my shirt where my hands are fiddling, he takes one and entwines it with his.
“I t-thought I saw you D,” I mumble, embarrassment warming my ever-present blush. “I saw this g-girl holding hands with who I thought was y-you.”
Declan frowns suddenly grabbing my chin. “I would never do that to you, Ellie, never.” His words lilt with both seriousness and honestly.
“I know,” I whisper, his hand drops and I continue. “Then he turned around a-a-and I saw his eyes, they were b-blue.” I begin to shake my head, telling him is like being at the mall terrified all over again.
He leans down kissing both my cheeks before lifting his head to look in my eyes. “You saw my brother.” He says so quietly.
Few tears escape my eyes as I nod my head. “I-I d-didn’t want you to w-worry,” I explain. “I don’t even k-know if he s-seen me.”
“Oh Ellie,” He mumbles, pulling me impossibly closer. “You can’t keep things like this from me if something were to happen to you... I... I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
A simple sentence like that from him, makes my heart stutter but it also makes me feel guilty too. “I’m sorry,” I say once again.
“I know you are.” He mumbles, his face coming down breaths away from mine. Our eyes connect, emotions so interment feel between us. His lips then come landing onto mine, and just like that were us again. Ellie and Declan.
I love him so much, it’s impossible.
Just as we pull away his lips scrape the edge of my ear. “It’s always going to be you and me, Ellie.” He whispers, breath hot like the summer sun. “If I have to, I will hunt Hayes down and every last person who intends to come near us.”
Word count: 2,457
The quickest I’ve ever updated, not gonna lie. Thank you all for reading, your comments make my day!! Feel free to check out my other stories!