Saturday, May 10th, 2014
What’s Noah’s biggest regret?
Over the following two days after their date, Theo couldn’t help but ponder on that question. After sleeping over at Noah’s he’d gotten up super early, feeling very sleepy and not wanting to leave Noah’s side. Noah had told him to not worry about leaving without waking him up before the two men had fallen asleep, too tired to go for another round, though not tired enough to have a brief make-out session. He knew Theo had to be at work by 9 and he still had to go home and get changed before going to the office.
Due to his sleep-deprived state, he couldn’t fully focus on his work. He decided to stalk Noah’s social media profiles to see if he could find some answers, but Noah’s presence on the different platforms was very limited. His last few posts were more than a year old. Theo did find a couple of really old photos of the other man, where he was with two of his friends doing some funny poses against a backdrop of a beautiful landscape. It must have been taken during the train trip Noah had mentioned. Noah looked a bit different - not necessarily younger nor happier, but the pain he had seen in Noah’s eyes the previous night was not present in the eyes of the young man in the photograph.
Noah texted Theo throughout the day, mainly sending flirty messages and asking Theo about his day at work. Theo knew he was smiling like an idiot as he texted Noah, but that didn’t stop him from texting the other man whenever his manager and boss couldn’t see it. Around lunchtime, Noah asked Theo if he wanted to meet up that night. Theo didn’t even think twice about it before agreeing.
Over the following two weeks, the two men went out on dates every other night, whenever Noah wasn’t working at D2. They would have dinner out in Macau or in Taipa and ended up fooling around at Noah’s place a few times, whenever his housemate was working the night shift, but they’d only used their hands or done oral sex. It was new to Theo, who was used to going straight to penetrative sex on the first date, but he was enjoying exploring Noah’s body and his erogenous zones first.
His mood overall seemed lighter, more bubbly. Even his parents noticed when he had dinner with them. His mom asked him if he’d met someone, but Theo kept quiet about it, wanting to keep the happiness to himself, afraid that by talking about it, he’d jinx it and ruin whatever he and Noah had going on.
On Thursday night, two weeks after their second date, Alice was going to spend the night at Jamie’s, so Theo invited Noah over. They bought some take out and had dinner at Theo’s place as they watched the show It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, a show they discovered they both liked. After a couple of episodes and a cigarette or two, the pair slowly retreated to Theo’s bedroom where they began making out.
Hands touching bodies, caressing, exploring, teasing. The taste of nicotine and noodles on each other’s lips. Hardened dicks rubbing against each other, feeling tight against their pants. Too many layers separating them - off they went! Clothes splayed all over the floor. As Theo was sucking on Noah’s neck close to his ear, both men letting go of the reins on their arousal, fully embracing each other’s Noah moaned into his ear, “I want you to fuck me.”
Theo pulled back just enough to look Noah in the eyes. He noticed a flicker of anguish swimming in the background, veiled by the intense yearning and lust. Was it a mere impulsive decision?
“Now?” Theo checked and Noah nodded, his pearly whites lightly grazing his lips before bringing Theo’s head down to peck him on the lips. Happy to oblige to the chocolate eyes, Theo’s lips drifted downwards towards the neck. Clavicle. Chest. Nipples. Abs. Down the happy trail. His eyes hungrily glanced up, dark with lust, as he reached out to his bedside drawer and grabbed a condom and some lube.
He squeezed some lube out onto his fingertips, before gently circling them around the rim of Noah’s pucker, making the latter man moan onto the crook of Theo’s neck. Theo felt his pulse increase with the anticipation of what was to come, as his fingers explored the nether regions of the man writing in pleasure underneath him. Incoherent utterances escaping his lips. Eyes fluttering open with each wave of delectation. As he rolled his condom on before lathering his member with some more of the lube, he looked at Noah, biting his already swollen lips in anticipation, his sultry eyes gazing back at Theo, inviting the grey-eyed man to have his way with him.
As soon as his body merged with Noah’s, Theo felt an overwhelming connection to the other man. Rationality completely abandoned and replaced by pure unbridled primal instinct, by the need to thrust and grind their hips. Their bodies moved in synchronicity, their souls swaying together in an animalistic erotic tango on top of Theo’s messy sheets. Their hands roamed all over each other’s body, helping each other to reach the desired euphoric release.
Theo was experiencing a different side of Noah. The latter man was clutching onto Theo, kissing him with almost desperate longing, wanting Theo to stay close to him. He was witnessing Noah’s more vulnerable and intimate side - the jovial façade temporarily stripped away. The duality to Noah’s personality drew Theo in, like a moth to a candle flame. He felt intrigued by the blunt, mischievous dancer, who wanted to shield away his inner darkness. Theo connected his lips with Noah’s, muffling his moans, as they both approached that blissful state of orgasm.
And then the men experienced the surge of oxytocin and dopamine, coursing in their hypothalami, embracing each other tightly as they rode the climax out together. Their lips crashing into each other in a passionate and transcendental kiss.
Theo felt like he was soaring, floating in the clouds as he clung to Noah’s body, their chests moving rhythmically to the beat of their gradually steadying breaths. The bond felt between the pair of ardent lovers in that exquisitely sensual act had been sublime. Unparalleled.
Their gazes met and in that singular moment, a languid smile shined brightly on Noah’s face, not a single trace of negativity lingered in those velvety chocolate orbs, peering back at Theo’s icy globes, their warmth nuzzling them, traveling all the way down to Theo’s skipping heart, inviting the latter man into his world. Theo had finally gotten a fleeting glimpse of the man behind the veneer of charismatic boldness.
As they lay in a mess of limbs resembling the end of a game of twister, Noah held on tighter onto Theo, glancing longingly at the man lying beside him, words stuck at the tip of his tongue, wanting to be verbalized, articulated, but remaining unspoken. Theo caressed Noah’s cheek reassuringly, “You were amazing... That was... just...”
“Yeah,” Noah chuckled, his voice raspy as it left his lips.
A blissful post-coital glow enveloped the two men in a bubble, far away from reality if only for just a couple of minutes. Pure and unadulterated serenity. Just two souls tenderly basking in each other’s company.
However, the spell was soon broken as a painful thought appeared to cross Noah’s mind, inducing a sense of turmoil within the chestnut-haired man. He sat up abruptly and ran his hands through his hair. Theo wondered what was going through Noah’s mind. Had he done something wrong?
“Can we smoke on your balcony?” Noah appeared to be shaken by the thoughts running through his mind.
“Sure... erm... is something wrong?” Theo’s voice sounded hesitant. The shift had been so sudden, leaving him feeling a bit perplexed at the instant one-eighty transformation.
“It’s nothing,” Theo gave him a meaningful look, not buying Noah’s retort, “Okay, it’s just some... work stuff... I can tell you about it another day. I don’t really want to talk about it now. And I am also craving a cigarette.”
“Just hang on a minute. Let me get us a towel,” Theo grabbed a towel from his closet and handed it to Noah, “The bathroom is to your left if you want to clean up there.”
“Oh, okay, I’ll be right back,” Theo peeled the condom off of his member as Noah exited the room. He then tied a knot around it and wrapped it in some tissue paper before throwing it into the trash can underneath his desk. He would empty it the next day. He grabbed his and Noah’s briefs as well as a towel for himself and went to the bathroom, where Noah was just stepping out of the bathtub, after cleaning up the mess on his chest and abs. Theo’s eyes roamed up and down, visually eating the body of the man who just moments before had been lying and squirming underneath him.
“Enjoying the sight?” Noah teasingly asked.
“Very much so, but I think you already know that,” he retorted back with a confident smirk, earning a smile from the brunette. It didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Although his tone sounded much lighter than it had before the quick shower, his eyes told a different story. Whatever thought had tripped him up was still stirring waves of turmoil in those shining orbs painted in a plethora of earthy hues.
“Here you go,” Theo handed Noah his underwear.
“Cheers. Meet you out on the balcony?” Noah asked, putting his briefs back on after drying up.
“Sure, I’ll just get cleaned up and join you there,” Theo stepped into the bathtub and washed his crotch area, before drying himself off. He put his briefs on and grabbed his pack of cigarettes before joining Noah on the balcony. Noah was already puffing away at his cigarette.
Theo lit his cigarette up and slowly exhaled a fleeting dense and milky smoke cloud. It looked almost like white cotton candy before it slowly spread out and dissipated, blending into the background. Theo gazed at Noah, his eyes looking into the distance, thoughts weighing on his mind, “A penny for your thoughts?”
“What’s that?” Noah seemed puzzled by the expression the other man had employed. Theo could sometimes forget that English wasn’t Noah’s native language, so some expressions could be unfamiliar.
“What is on your mind?” Theo explained before inhaling some more smoke and languidly exhaling it.
Noah pensively took a final puff from his cigarette before extinguishing it on the ashtray. He seemed to be struggling for words, his eyes darting between different thoughts in his mind, deciding where to start and what can be uttered. Protective self-censorship to ensure minimum emotional damage for either party. Or maybe just for him. Mental martial arts to protect any sense of vulnerability. No room for fragility. And then his gaze landed on Theo’s, silently urging those observant and clear grey eyes to read between the lines, “Remember how I asked you about your biggest regret?”
Theo nodded his head, coaxing Noah to continue with his line of thought.
“I used to believe that I shouldn’t have any regrets in life. That everything is a stepping stone to who I’ll be in the future, you know? And that never stopped no matter how many stupid decisions I made. And I’ve made a lot of them,” Noah chuckled and then he paused to gather his thoughts, “There is one stupid decision I regret though and I feel stuck. I’ve been stuck for a while. Before I met you, I felt like I was standing on a stone surrounded by water and I couldn’t see the next stone. Now, I can see the stone I want to get to, but I need to step over one stone to get to it... Oh fuck, I’m not making any sense, am I?” Noah laughed bitterly.
“Well, why do you feel stuck? What’s your regret?” Noah looked away and bit at his lip.
“Just something stupid I did some time ago. I’ll tell you about it some other day, Okay? Just not today,” Noah looked back at Theo, a pleading gaze emanating from his deep and velvety chocolate orbs.
Theo felt a twinge of pain at the thought that Noah didn’t feel like he could confide that secret of his with him. It hurt, but Theo didn’t let it show on his face, as he reassured Noah, “You can tell me whenever you’re ready. I won’t judge you.”
“Thank you,” Noah sighed out in relief, as he fished another cigarette from his pack, before effectively switching the conversation onto lighter topics.
When both men talked to one another, their exchanges were duets, two voices flowing harmoniously, following after one another effortlessly, their interaction almost symbiotic. There was hardly ever a lull in their banter and the brief silences were filled with longing gazes and small smiles. Theo found himself getting hooked on the sound of Noah’s faint accent and baritone voice. It was more addicting than any other drug he’d ever tried.
Noah stayed over that night. They woke up at the same time, as Noah was going to his parents’ house to pick up some things. Theo enjoyed being able to wake up beside Noah’s peacefully sleeping body. He had woken up before his alarm had rung, so he just took in the handsome man deep in slumber just beside him. A serene look on his face, contrasting with his unruly hair, his lips slightly parted, breathing deeply. When his alarm rang, Theo was tempted to snooze it and call in sick, just to be able to lay by Noah’s side a bit longer but the sleepy brunette opened his eyes when he heard the annoying beeping sound.
The men got ready and ate breakfast together, before parting ways, so that Theo could rush to work. A couple of hours later, his mind absently wandered back to Noah’s peaceful sleeping face, as serene as the surface of a lake, clear of the ripples of the rowing boats that carried all of the dancer’s worries and anxieties. It wandered back to recollections of those hazelnut orbs fluttering with Theo’s touch, allowing him a glimpse through the windows of his soul. Theo could hardly control his urge to constantly text the other man, anxiously longing to see him again.
Noah’s replies traveled back slowly, almost as if they were being sent from a 90s desktop computer with broadband internet. And the connection was weak. He was probably busy with his family, Theo tried to justify to himself. As the hours passed and the end of the workday was approaching, Theo had grown concerned over the shift in their interaction and wondered if he’d done something wrong. He had sent Noah a message after lunch, asking if the brunette was interested in having dinner with him, but still hadn’t received any replies.
Liam sent him a message. He had been texting Liam occasionally, though both men had been busy. Liam was taking care of everything before leaving Macau and also indulging in casual sex. After his first date after Theo had been successful, Liam felt like a whole world of options was open to him and was embracing his sexual reawakening. He excitedly told Theo about his latest fling. Theo smiled as he compared his memory of Liam when they first met, shy and hesitant, with the man he was talking to at that moment, openly talking about the blowjob he had received that blew his mind.
"I think I messed up," Theo texted Liam when the latter man asked him about his date.
"How come?" Liam’s reply came quickly.
"He’s been distant in our texts. I don’t know why. Last night was amazing, so kind of confused right now," Theo voiced his worries to his friend.
"Maybe he’s busy," Liam suggested.
"Maybe, I’ll wait and see if he can meet up tonight," Theo was still hopeful.
"Yeah hopefully. I might be free sometime next week if you wanna meet up. Sorry I’ve been busy lately," Liam texted back.
"Sure, let me know when," Theo suddenly received Facebook messages from Noah. A higher tempo song started playing in his heart.
He checked the messages and felt his mood deflating as he read each message.
FRI AT 4:33 PM
Sorry been busy all day
So many customers and new books
Only had time to reply now
I have a dance class after work and then a shift at D2
One of the dancers couldn’t make it today
They called me last minute
So I can’t tonight :/
Theo’s shoulders slumped, grey clouds floating in his mind, foreshadowing thoughts infiltrating his consciousness. Shaking those thoughts away, Theo decided to see if the dancer was available the following day. He wasn’t thrilled about having to wait - he’d grown far too accustomed to the other man’s company in such a short amount of time. He felt like the two of them were painters slowly creating a wonderful alla prima masterpiece, blending various hues of ideas of their palette of experiences, brushing layers of emotions onto a once blank canvas in a manic frenzied pace. As he texted Noah his reply, he didn’t know what their painting would look like in the end, but he hoped it was full of warm and radiant colors.
FRI AT 4:36 PM
I could meet you after work :)
I’ll probably stay up late anyway
Theo hoped he didn’t come across as needy, but his fingers were on autopilot, acting on his innermost desires, hoping his message would reach Noah while he was still online. They luckily did and Theo anxiously awaited Noah’s reply. Noah was typing. And then he stopped. And then he was typing again for quite some time. Dark grey clouds grew denser as they lingered over their wonderful painting, threatening to destroy the work of art they had been crafting together.
FRI AT 4:39 PM
I’ll text you if I’m not too tired after work
The clouds threatened rain.