warning: mature content ahead.
Sunday, April 13th, 2014
“Hey, is Noah performing tonight?” Theo drunkenly yelled at the bartender, Joshua. He knew Joshua because he had once arrived earlier at D2 for a date. In the end, his date stood him up, and Theo ended up talking to the young bartender before the nightclub got busy.
It was a little after 3 am and Theo’s rational side was nowhere to be seen. After pre-gaming at Jamie’s place, they tipsily staggered all the way to D2, where Theo had an additional two drinks. Noah had not appeared onstage to perform and Theo was ordering a third drink, slowly losing hope of seeing the dancer that night. The idea of texting Flávio to meet up was becoming ever so tempting to him, which was definitely not a good idea when he was in that inebriated state.
The bartender shook his head, brought his face close to Theo’s, and said, “he didn’t show up today. He called in sick. Mihai is performing tonight.” Theo had no idea who Mihai was, but he didn’t really care. He was instead disappointed to hear that he wouldn’t see the dancer that night. He paid for his drink, telling Joshua to keep the tip, before chugging the drink in one go. He took his phone out of his pocket and sent a message to Flávio saying, ”U st;ll up?“, before pocketing his phone once again.
“Take it easy on the drinks, Theo,” Joshua told him out of concern.
“I’ll be fine. See you around, Joshua,” Theo said as he left the bar counter area and walked towards his group of friends. As he approached them, he felt a buzz in his pocket, so he fished his phone out to check if he had gotten a reply.
"Yeah, want to come over?” Theo smirked at the reply. His lustful cravings overrode every rational thought in his mind at that moment, as he typed out his reply.
"Yeah see u in s bit.”
Even if he ended up regretting his decision the next day, at that exact moment he didn’t really care. He would let future Theo sort that problem out for him.
He approached his friends, who were dancing close to the stage and yelled at Alice, so that she could hear even with the loud bass sounds ringing through the club, “Hey, I’m gonna head out now.”
“Already?” She yelled back.
“Yeah, gonna meet up with someone,” Theo didn’t want to tell Alice who he was meeting, because he knew she would try to convince him not to go.
“Don’t tell me you’re going to Flávio’s!” Theo didn’t even need to tell her anything. Alice knew him too well.
“I won’t tell you then. Anyway, have fun! I gotta get going,” he turned around to leave before Alice could retort. That night he had a strange desire to make the wrong decisions. He didn’t want Alice to stop him.
After his break up, Theo would occasionally get this deep-seated urge to make a wrong decision. He spent a long time following in someone else’s steps. He had tried making all the right decisions when he was with Jason, so he felt like he was rebelling against that period in his life. He wanted to know what it felt like to do the wrong thing. Deep down, he knew he would regret his decision after the fact, but he felt this magnetic force compelling him to act upon his most depraved desires. Sometimes he wondered if he instead was doing that because he wanted to punish himself for not doing well enough in the past, for his failed relationship... Maybe even a bit of both.
Theo stepped out of D2 and walked down the escalator to exit the building. Flávio lived near him in Taipa, so Theo had to look for a taxi to hail. Luckily for him, a vacant black cab happened to be approaching him. He raised his arm so that the driver would stop. Once inside of the taxi, he told the driver Flávio’s address and the driver pressed the button on the taxi meter before setting off. He took his phone out of his pocket and sent a message to Flávio saying: ”Omw.”
The bright dancing lights of the Asian Las Vegas never ceased to mesmerize Theo. He was feeling warm and tingly from the alcoholic beverages he had drunk all night, as he watched the usually bustling and crowded city give way to a labyrinth of colorful twinkling lights, painting the solitary nocturnal souls in various shades of red, purple, yellow, blue and green as they wandered through the empty streets, almost as if searching for a purpose or for the company of another lonely spirit. Macau had changed a lot in the last ten years and Theo had witnessed its transformation from a small unknown city in the South of China to a glitzy and glamorous hub for gambling.
As the taxi was almost done crossing the bridge that connected the peninsula to Taipa, Theo knew he could still tell the driver to go to his place instead, but just like the lonely spirits he had glanced upon through the window, he was just another one of those wandering souls seeking some transient form of physical contact, when a real and deep connection seemed like an impossible dream. Shortly after the thought of changing his mind had occurred to him, the taxi stopped in front of an old residential building, where his casual lover awaited him.
Theo texted Flávio, letting him know he had arrived. A minute later, he heard the sound of the building door being unlocked, so he stepped in and called an elevator to take him to the 15th floor, where Flávio’s apartment was located. Although he was starting to sober up a bit, he was still very much under the influence. Once he left the elevator, he noticed that Flávio’s door had already been unlocked. He stepped into the apartment and saw Flávio standing beside his bedroom door with his arms crossed over his chest. He was wearing boxer shorts and a tank top and appeared to have just gotten out of bed.
Flávio was an attractive twenty-five-year-old man who had moved to Macau a little over a year before they first met and was working at a restaurant as a waiter at one of the many hotels in Macau. They first met on Grindr and Theo was instantly attracted to the slightly shorter and more muscular man with beautiful hazel eyes, rich caramel skin, and curly chocolate locks. Their chemistry in bed had been incredible from the very beginning, but Theo had never felt anything beyond physical attraction towards Flávio. In the beginning, Flávio had also told Theo that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, but in their last few encounters, Flávio appeared to have changed his mind, often asking Theo if he ever thought about settling down and being exclusive. Theo had successfully deferred answering those questions, distracting Flávio with kisses and other carnal acts.
“Hey,” he said to Theo in a low voice. His housemates must already be asleep, so Flávio nodded towards his room, signaling Theo to follow after him. Theo closed the door of the apartment, before following after Flávio and closing the bedroom door. Flávio looked like he had already been ready to sleep, as his hair was a bit messy and his eyes were looking drowsy. He sat down on his bed and pat the spot beside him for Theo to sit down.
“Hey, sorry for coming over so late,” Theo said as he sat down next to Flávio.
“It’s fine,” Flávio put his hand on top of Theo’s hand, “will you be staying over tonight?”
“Sure, if you’ll have me,” he smiled seductively at the young Brazilian man.
“You know you’re always welcome to stay,” Flávio appeared to have some thoughts floating through his mind. He kept stealing glances at Theo’s face and then looking back at his hand on top of Theo’s.
“Theo, I was wondering,” Flávio took a deep breath to gather his thoughts, “Whenever I ask you about us and what we are, you never seem to have an answer. What am I to you?”
Flávio looked at Theo, his eyes displaying a lot of vulnerability and insecurities. Theo knew what answer he wanted to hear, but it wasn’t an answer he could give, so instead, he said, “You are my friend, but a friend I find insanely attractive and who I enjoy having sex with.”
“What if I want to be more than friends?”
Theo didn’t want to talk about that when he was driven by lust and under the influence of various alcoholic beverages. “Can we talk about it tomorrow?” He asked Flávio, holding onto his hand and pecking kisses onto the other man’s knuckles, “I promise we can talk about it tomorrow, okay? I am just not very sober and I would like to talk to you about that when I’m sober.”
Flávio nodded his head and Theo leaned close to Flávio and kissed him on the lips. Flávio lips were hesitant at first, probably distracted by the thoughts of the conversation they would be having the following day, but soon followed Theo’s lead. Shortly thereafter, Flávio was grabbing onto the back of Theo’s neck, pulling Theo closer to him, and bringing him down onto the bed with him.
Theo placed his hand underneath Flávio’s tank top and let his hand roam along the toned man’s chest, feeling him melt even further into the kiss. Theo could feel Flávio’s arousal pressing against him and his own pants were starting to feel a bit too tight. His Brazilian lover started unbuttoning his shirt, wanting to feel more of Theo, who followed in his lead by taking off Flávio’s tank top and unbuckling his belt before flinging his own pants off the bed. Theo brought his lips down to Flávio’s neck, sucking the spot just under his left ear, making the other man arch his back ever so slightly as his mouth emitted a small moan. Theo kissed his way back to Flávio’s lips and felt the other man grasping onto his back tightly.
Theo suddenly pulled away from the kiss and glanced at Flávio’s lust-filled gaze before asking, “Where are the condoms and lube?”
“Top left drawer,” Flávio breathed out, his eyes devouring Theo’s body.
Theo moved over to the left to reach out to the drawer and grabbed a condom as well as the small bottle of lube. He took his own briefs off after retrieving the items from the drawer and helped Flávio get rid of his boxers. He couldn’t hold out much longer, so he ripped the condom wrapper, looking at Flávio with desire in his eyes, before putting the condom on his engorged member and coating it with lube.
His animalistic urges took over as he entered the man below him, allowing Flávio to adjust to his size before beginning to thrust. He brought his lips back to Flávio’s, as he slowly began thrusting into the man lying underneath him. Flávio started to move his hips to meet Theo’s thrusts.
Even though he was finally satisfying his lecherous desires, Theo felt numb, as if his body were moving and experiencing pleasure, but his mind wasn’t there, but rather drifting off in a sea of negative thoughts. Thoughts of being rejected by the dancer by not getting a reply, thoughts of his failed relationship, thoughts of knowing that he was just going to hurt the man he was fucking. Thoughts that were making it hard for him to achieve an orgasm, leaving him even more frustrated.
He pulled out from the panting man underneath him and flipped Flávio around, so that he was lying on his stomach, before entering him again. He wanted to go deeper, harder, fuck his frustrations away, but it wasn’t working. He kept getting more and more frustrated as he thrust deep and hard into the other man, who tried to keep up with his pace as he stroked his own member in an attempt to reach orgasm. He could sense his partner getting close, but his own release was starting to feel unattainable. Before Flávio could climax, Theo pulled out and muttered, “Fuck this.”
“What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?” Flávio seemed confused, his mind still in a haze having been so close to achieving orgasm.
“I can’t fucking come!” Theo said, groaning as he pulled at his hair.
This appeared to have triggered feelings of anger in the other man, who was also feeling frustrated for being edged and not experiencing release.
“So you’re just gonna stop like that?” Flávio challenged Theo.
Theo didn’t answer Flávio. Instead, he pulled the condom off his dick, dropping it onto the floor, before grabbing his clothes from the floor putting them back on.
“So you are just going to leave me like this? Just fuck me to your heart’s content and leave me hanging when you get bored?” Flávio growled at Theo, as he buttoned his shirt back up.
“Just finish yourself off. I can’t deal with this right now!” Theo spat back, taking his sexual frustrations out on the naked man on the bed. As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted them. He knew he was being an asshole. He knew Flávio didn’t deserve to be treated in that way, but he wasn’t thinking straight at that exact moment.
“Fuck you, Theo!” Flávio glared at Theo, tears misting his eyes, “You know how I feel about you and you keep doing the same shit! And I keep making the same stupid mistake, hoping one day you will change your mind, but you know what? I’m done.”
“What do you mean?” Theo asked, suddenly paling at the realization that he was going to lose his safe harbor - someone he could go to for some company whenever he felt lost or lonely. He may not have returned Flávio’s feelings, but he did appreciate the man’s company in his own way when they were together. He meant it when he said to Flávio that he considered him a friend. When he was in a sober state of mind, the two men would have some interesting conversations and got along well. However, after Theo had become aware of the other man’s growing feelings towards him, he had tried his best to avoid leading the other man on. Except when he was drunk and horny.
Always the same damn mistake, but this time Theo had reached a point of no return.
Flávio closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, before dealing a final blow to Theo, his voice quietly firm and unwavering, “I don’t want to be your fuck toy anymore. I want you out of my apartment and I don’t want you to contact me ever again.”
“Flávio, I’m sorry for how I reacted. I just haven’t been doing too-,” Theo tried to grasp at the straws of the friendship he had destroyed by acting on self-destructive impulses, but he didn’t even get a chance to finish explaining himself, because Flávio was done listening to him.
“Get out now!” The younger man bellowed, surprising Theo as Flávio tended to respect his housemates and keep the noise down. He had really blown his chances with the Brazilian man. He knew he had been in the wrong and that he shouldn’t have gone there in his inebriated state. He knew he had done some serious damage to Flávio with his words and the best thing he could do at that moment was respect the other man’s wishes.
“Okay, I’ll go. I’m sorry, Flávio. I hope you meet someone who can treat you better than I could,” he said, making sure he had all of his belongings before taking his leave. Flávio just sat on his bed, not even looking at Theo as he exited the room and the apartment for the last time.
Once he had closed the apartment door behind him, the weight of what he had done had finally crashed on his shoulders. What had possessed him to act like a bastard? And to make matters worse, Theo didn’t really feel sad because he had hurt Flávio, but because he had lost the one partner who had been consistently there for him for the past year. Even though he didn’t experience romantic feelings towards the other man, he felt like he had lost a small part of him, a consistent and reliable connection in his life.
And those thoughts made him feel like even more of an asshole as he began his walk of shame, making his way towards the elevator.