Heart Wants What It Wants

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Chapter 11

THE FOLLOWING CONTENT HAS VIOLENCE AND MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND HENCE CAN BE EXTREMELY TRIGGERING FOR SOME READERS.

Liz's P.O.V.

"Jenny, I dare you to give Elijah a lap dance." Hannah said giving Jennifer a lopsided smile.

Jennifer scowled at her as she went towards Elijah. Elijah smirked at her before shooting me a teasing grin to which I rolled my eyes. I had already given up on this, he was going to win, I knew by the way jenny looked at him. To say that I was surprised would be the greatest understatement, I was flabbergasted. I have never seen her look at anybody like that, it's as if she was constantly annoyed with Elijah but you would miss them when he was absent. Everyone was hooting as she went there and completed her dare.

Almost everyone was drunk, not too much but drunk nonetheless, well everyone except me. Why do people get drunk? They do the weirdest things and are disgustingly honest. The last time I got drunk was when I was twenty and I created the worst possible scenario that included Sia, Luke, me, the road and ten million passerby. As much as I remember, which ii must warn you, wasn't much at all, we were throwing tantrums on the road, laughing like mad people, me dancing and then toppling over strangers, Sia calling out people for their weird dressing sense and Luke criticizing all the art designs in New York. Well you know, not a highly privileged memory.

"Truth or dare Richie?" Jennifer said in a sickly sweet tone.

"truth." Nobody in their right mind would've taken dare from Jennifer. Not that we were afraid, but she would've said something absurd like: jump into the pond nearby, and I don't think anybody here would've accepted their defeat to Jennifer and in that case the person would've ended up in the pool.

"Would you ever keep an important secret about your lover from her?" She said in thickly sweet tone. I momentarily froze but then I realize that there were several girls who might have been with Richie. And other than that we never loved eachother, at least he did not. I nearly slapped my head when I realized that the question does not have to be related to real life, it's just a question for the sake of love. I looked around the room which had gone horribly quiet. I wasn't the only one to freeze up at the question, Richie, Sia, Luke and Elijah, all were frozen.

"If she was my lover, I'd do anything for her own good, even if it meant keeping one of the greatest secrets. If it was for her own good, I would've done it." Richie's burning gaze shut us all up, even Jennifer. The way he was looking at her was enough to make her huddle up in a corner. But she did not. Instead, she stared back at him with equal distaste. They were literally battling with their gazes. My eyes flicked towards Sia who was nervously looking at Richie. Then I noticed Luke staring out of the window, as if purposely avoiding my gaze. Elijah was cautiously tugging Jennifer's hand. All others were sitting quietly looking at the staring contest in front of us. All in all they seemed to know something that I didn't. Am I missing something? Was it about them? Did he keep some big ass secret from Jennifer? He loved her?

"Guys, what is this about?" I asked breaking the ice and trying to keep my voice steady.

Both of their heads snapped at me. Richie seemed to come out of some kind of daze as he hastily stood up mumbling something about getting fresh air. I tried to get up to follow him.

"Well not everything is about you, sweetie." Elijah's voiced stopped me as Sia and Luke burst out laughing. First of all, I never thought that this was about me, and second of all stop calling me sweetie, you twat, and last of all, why the hell are you here, aren't you supposed to be in your room panicking about learning up your lines or something? Richie's footsteps stopped slightly when Elijah spoke up, but he continued to walk. Awhile later we heard the front door close.

"You know you are the worst cousin right?" I glared at Elijah.

"Who will spin the bottle in the place of Richie?" Elijah said ignoring my comment.

"I'll do." As I got up and spun the glass bottle. It slowed down as the mouth faced towards Sia. I kept my face as straight as I could and asked her what she would take. She scanned my face trying to figure out what was going on in my head.

"Dare." She said with doubt, only then did I let my face break into a devilish smirk. She gasped as she realized what I was thinking. Too late.

"Kiss Luke."

"No!" they both said in unison.

"I don't want to kiss him!" Sia exclaimed but the tainted blush said otherwise.

"You think I do!" Luke exclaimed trying to hide the disappointment in his voice. And with that they began their usual bickering session. Sometimes I wonder, don't they run out of things to bicker about? Playing cupid for your best friends aka opening their eyes is a hella difficult job.

"Will you guys shut up for once?" I groaned as their heads snapped towards me.

"Why the fuck do you give dares like that!" Sia scowled at me

"Come on, you'd do the same for me? Wouldn't you?" I reasoned.

"I- I- agh!"

"okay, so look at this in this way" I said as all the others except Sia and Luke in the room smirked at me. The fact that they both fancied eachother was not current news. They liked eachother from the time I met them if not before. They were the only people who were oblivious to the opposite person's feelings. "do you like eachother?"

"No!" they both said quickly, too quickly dare I add.

"Okay, so what's the problem in kissing the other person?" I said adding another smirk to the already smirking gang.

"Uhh" they both seemed to be at a loss for words. Speechless.

"Come on. Hurry." Sophia, said quietly as she laced her hands with Hannah's."

Both Sia and Luke uneasily looked at eachother, the moment their eyes connected; they immediately turned to the opposite direction. All of us were getting irritated, we were all sure that she would not do that, even me, I did not expect what happened next.

"Sia turned her head towards Luke and connected their lips as both of their eyes shut. All the others let out a low shriek as I sat there with a ghost of smile on my lips. I was surprised. Not when they kissed, but when they did not stop after thirty damn seconds.

"Ahem, do you guys need a room?" Simon said. They both jumped apart as if they had totally forgotten that about seven people were staring at them?

"Damn, that was one heck of a kiss, wasn't it Sia?" I asked trying hard not to burst out laughing as her face, if possible, turned redder.

"Shut up, will you." She said as she lapsed into silence as both Luke and Sia stole glances at each other.

"Sia." I said because I was nearly getting choked by the sexual tension in the room.

"What? You want me to kiss him again? Nope, that is so not gonna happen." Sia said

"I wasn't going to tell you to kiss him." I swear it was nearly that hard to control my face to breaking into a grin, "and just to check, you realize that I did not mention any particular place for you to kiss him, right?" at that, we all lost our control and burst out laughing. Luke groaned and Sia glared at me realizing what I just did.

"Can you guys just continue?" Luke said.

"that's what I was calling Sia for, it's her turn to spin the bottle." Sia slowly got up and spun the bottle, she smiled at me wickedly when the bottle stopped at me. I gulped. I knew what would happen if I chose dare, I fucking, knew.

"truth." I said to her nervously.

"Aww, is Liz scared of taking a risk?"

"Taking a risk is when you are unsure if what is going to happen next, so... can this even be addressed as a risk?"

"Call it what you want. So, truth is it?"

"yep." I said popping the 'p'.

"thoughts on your first time."

She did not just go there. Her eyes were mostly daring, but deep inside, they were a bit of unsure to how I would react.

"No regrets." I smiled a triumphant smile as Sia groaned. Was she seriously expecting me to answer that?

"That's not what she meant"

"Too bad cause that's what I understood." I said as I spun the bottle once again but my mind wandered to a particular green eyed brown haired boy with a battle sequence shirt. The bottle stopped spinning and landed on Stella, Simon's girlfriend.

"Umm, Luke can you ask her the question, ill just check up on Richie." I said as luke nodded.

"Never knew, you guys were friends." Jennifer said with a perfectly fake smile.

"Never knew, you had to know that." I turned back and walked out of the main door and was greeted by the smell of cigarettes. Richie was standing their leaning on the wall and he was smoking. He only smokes when he is very angry or irritated. I hated when he did smoke. I walked over and slapped his hand, causing the cigarette to fall and then squished it with my feet. He looked at me shocked.

"What? I hate it when you smoke. Why would you do that knowing that it kills people?" he remained silent, not looking at me only to cause my irritation to grow.

"Look, I don't know what secret you kept from Jennifer, but frankly I don't give a shit about her, but I surely do about you I can't you are smoking for Jennifer."

"You think I kept some secret from Jennifer? Sure." he let out a bitter laugh "and why do you care about me Liza, why? You've got others to care about-"

"If you are talking about Sia and luk-"

"Why the fuck would I be talking about them? I'm talking about this Elijah dude, you like him , don't you?" he said harshly.

"Richie, he is my goddamn cousin." I said trying my best to gulp the bile that has risen till the tip of my throat into my stomach.

"But, I don't know him." He said as his tone softened. He didn't? Richie almost knew all of my cousins. But I guess the time he came home with me to Omaha Elijah was not there.

"well thanks for breaking up with me before you got to know him." I said harshly as he flinches slightly "and other than that he likes Jennifer."

And this is where he fucks up.

"oh." He says. The way he says it, causes my heart to turn into ice. He says it as if he should have realized it before. As if it is obvious. As if anybody would choose Jennifer over me. As if I'm not even worth to be a choice. And I hate it. I always have.

"Wasn't that obvious? She's way better than me? You of all people should know that." I snapped walking away towards the busy road.

"That's not what I meant. I meant-"

"Oh please. Save it. You already explained what you meant ages ago."

"Liza listen to-" he grabbed my hand and I snatched it away.

"No! Next time don't assume random things and don't take them as the truth until I tell you they are!" I said as I crossed the road and he had to stop cause just as I crossed, the lights turned green and the cars peeled by and he was left standing on the other side.

"Didn't you assume things too? Did I confirm them? Did I say they were true?!" he screamed so that I could hear him. I stopped for a moment before continuing to walk. I knew exactly what he was talking about.

"You didn't deny them either, what is that supposed to mean?" I screamed before I entered a mostly deserted alley and sped fast. I don't know if he heard my words, but after I sped fast through the alley I did not hear a single voice. All I could hear was the noise of cars rushing by.

I don't envy her.

I don't envy her.

I don't envy her.

I don't envy her.

I don't envy her.

Sure.

They say that if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. That's honestly the most absurd thing that I ever heard.

No matter how much I convince myself that I'm not going to compare myself to her cause both of us are different. Everything is different about us, but I cannot help noticing that she is way prettier than I am. She is not an orphan. She is not someone who is broken inside. She may be a bitch, but that makes it worse, she is not afraid to be who she is. I am. I am broken, I can spend days crying about everything that's wrong with my life, but instead I go around like this person who does not give a shit about her past and a person who is perfectly happy and confident, while inside I'm nothing. I'm dead. I hate everything. I hate that everything happened to me, it could have happened to anybody else, why me? And as much as I know that is selfish, I can't help it.

I don't notice the soft, scared screams that come to my ears. I would have coolly passed away if the glass bottle hadn't shattered nearby. I snap myself out of whatever trance I was and looked around.

I had come quite into the alley and then took the left turn. Just because I had not travelled quite into the left turn, I could her soft pleading noises. Or rather scared noises that seemed to belong to a person. I ignored the hammering of my heart in my chest and exited the left turn and entered the right one.

The moment I entered the lane I saw I guy who was obviously way older than me was pinning another girl to the wall. For a moment, I thought that I was interrupting something and I would've simply gone away cause they did not notice me yet. But I stopped on my tracks and my heart started beating wilder than ever when I noticed two things.

One, the girl was wearing a green romper.

Two, the guy had a piece of glass in his hand.

Memories flashed in my head. Girl. Highschool. Relationship. Used. Rumors. Shame. Blame. Abandoned room. Window. Windowsill. Jump. Regret.

I snapped my eyes at the pair of scared hazel eyes screaming at me for help. I took a deep breath and ran to the lame excuse for a guy in front of me. The first kick went to his hand causing the piece of glass to fall out of his hand. His eyes shone with confusion after he took in my presence he gave me a nasty smirk.

"One was good, but two is better to deal with." he said.

"Too sad for myself, I have only one person to deal with." I replied with disgust.

"Hmm, impressive." His face was inches away from mine and I had to dig my fingernails in my palm to stop from hitting him cause I didn't want to hit him without replying to is previous comment.

"Worse, the feeling isn't mutual." And I punched him square on his face.

He stumbled back due to the force with his hands on his face. He quickly recovered and came wildly towards me after letting out an animalistic growl.

His fingers clasped around my neck I struggled to breathe. I instinctively kneed him in his abdomen with all the force I cad. At first I thought it was a smart move but as my eyes followed his hands which shot up to the piece of glass lying nearby, I knew I was fucked.

Before I could do anything, he flung the glass right across my legs. The first thing that I could feel was pain, immense pain as blood dripped down my leg. I tried my best to stand still but eventually my legs gave up. The moment I fell the bastard crawled towards me.

"so, who won?" I was about to reply to him when his hand clamped on my mouth. He gripped the shard of glass and ran it to the length of my hand which he had pinned with his other hand. I winced in pain, but I sure as hell was not someone to give up. With all my will power and strength I kneed him on his balls, hard. He doubled over in pain. My heart drummed madly.

My ears were ringing so much that I completely failed to hear the sound of the sirens. All I knew was that there were people, cops to be more precise. Two of them came and dragged the guy to the car. My first instinct was to find Cassie. She was lying in the corner, bleeding, there was a phone in her hand so I assumed that she was the one to call nine-one-one. Soon an ambulance appeared too.

"Not me, take her, I'm fine." I said pointing frantically at Cass.

"But miss, you are hurt too." One of them said.

"I'm fine."

"We need your statements." One of the cops came forward and told me.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll come."

I was hella worried about Cassie. I cannot leave her alone, no way! So I called the first person that came to my mind.

"liz."

"Derek, Cassie."

"What- where are you I'll come right now" I gave him the direction and in no time he was there. He was panting terribly; he must've run all the way here.

"Shit! Liz you are hurt."

"Leave me, she's there" I said pointing at her, "Go with her, please, and stay with her. She will need you. And if she asks about me, tell her I am fine."

"I will." And with that he ran towards the ambulance.

"You are?" one of the cops came and asked me.

"Elizabeth Spencer."

"Are you sure you are fine?"

"Yes."

"Alright, if you say so. We need you to come with us so that we can take your statements." He sighed and I followed him.

***

I sat at the deserted pavement. My heart was still beating fast and I didn't know what to do. I really didn't. I don't have my car with me. And all in all I did not have control over whatever is happening now. And boy, did I not hate it.

I could call anybody now. Sia, she'd know that something is up the moment I utter the first word after she receives the call. Luke, he'd come here and will help me to be in control of myself. And last, Richie he'd be here without asking the reason why I needed him because he does not care, he never did. All he needs to know is that I needed him, "why" did not really matter.

But I wouldn't call him. I wouldn't call anybody, cause I didn't need anybody to see me like this. I was shaking. I was basically in pain. My head was throbbing. I was reliving that particular day in my past that I detest. I hated it.

Girl. Highschool. Relationship. Used. Rumors. Shame. Blame. Abandoned room. Window. Windowsill. Jump. Regret.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I failed to notice the motorcycle that stopped infront of me it wasn't until the person got off his motorcycle and stared directly at me.

Piercing green eyes stared at me; they were partly clouded with worry and partly with relief. I stood up confused as to how he knew that I was here. Suddenly everything clicked, Derek. He stood still for a minute. A minute. Sixty bleeding seconds before he rushed towards me and pulled me in his arms. He just held me close. He did not ask me any questions, Derek probably told him everything, as I said, he knew, he just knew.

"Don't ever do that to me." He whispered softly after a moment, I stayed quiet trying hard to keep my emotions in order.

"If you are ever angry at me, yell at me, hit me, do whatever the hell you want, but don't abandon me. I tried to follow you but I could not find you. I was scared as hell." His voice broke.

"Why."

"Because I.... care for you." And I broke. I literally clutched his tee shirt as if my life depended on it and sobbed. I don't know what it is about his presence that just made me feel safe. I could do whatever I want and he won't judge me. He understands. He gripped my waist tighter and drew comforting circles on my back as I continued to sob. I hated people seeing the weak side of me. I have never cried like this in front of anybody except him and Elena, not even Sia and Luke. He was just... different.

"Shhh, i'm here." he whispered soothingly in my ear.

***

"You're hurt." Is the first thing he says as we enter my room.

"I'm fi-"

"No you are not. Take a shower, change and call me, I'll grab the band aids. Do you want to eat anything." He asks and I shook my head. He left the room and I grabbed my towel and an over sized loose tee shirt.

I turned on the shower and stepped into it. Was the water cold? Yes. Did I care? No. I couldn't care less on the water. My mind was somewhere else. Somewhere I did not want it to be.

Girl. Highschool. Relationship. Used. Rumors. Shame. Blame. Abandoned room. Window. Windowsill. Jump. Regret.

I turned off the shower after rinsing my hair and wiped my body with the towel. Both my legs had a deep cut each. The edges were slightly dried but the bottom was still painful even if the bleeding had stopped ages ago. I wore the shirt and stepped out of the bathroom, drying my hair with the towel. I informed Richie that I was done and sat on the bed trying to ignore the thoughts that continuously invaded my head but however they would not go, like the other days.

Girl. Highschool. Relationship. Used. Rumors. Shame. Blame. Abandoned room. Window. Windowsill. Jump. Regret.

Richie came into the room. He had changed into a pajama and a plain white shirt. He took the towel and sat on the floor infront of me. He slightly traced my wounds and I winced. He looked at me with a pained expression. He had brought a small medicine bottle, cotton and some bandages.

"This is gonna hurt." He looked at me with the same pained expression and I nod curtly.

The moment he wet the cotton with the liquid and pressed it on my wound, the area burned with pain. I took in a sharp breath and shut my eyes tight. He put the banded on that area and focused on the other leg after making sure that I was all right. The next leg seemed to be more painful as a series of curses came out of my mouth the moment the cotton touched my skin.

"I'm sorry." He said.

"It's not your fault." I said as I scooted over and lied on the bed. He spared me a lingering glance before making his way out of the room, that is until I stopped him.

"stay." I said I don't even know why.

"what?"

"I said stay with me." I siaghed.

"Okay, I'll get a chair from outside."

"Richie, the bed is big enough."

"You want-"

"Just get in here." I say slightly irritated by him.

"okay." He says and gets in the bed lying down facing me as I face the ceiling.

"You can tell me anything, you know." as the words come out of his mouth I turn to look at him. He knew.

"You really want to know?"

"I do."

"There was a girl in high school. Her name was Sarah." My voice was shaking as the memories fled back into my head. Somewhere under the comforter Richie's hand finds mine and he gives me an encouraging squeeze after interlacing our fingers. I turn to face him as I continue speaking. "I did not know her. She was a senior as well as extremely quiet. All of a sudden she became the gossip of the whole school. Why? Because she started going out with one of the most popular jock of the school. Nobody knew why. I had thought this was another one of those young adult books where the bad boy falls for the good girl, but no it was not. After about six month they broke up. In these six months you should have seen Sarah's face she was happy, very happy. After they broke up there were shitty rumors about her, some said that she was a whore and the other said that she was another one of those girls who the guy had used. I don't understand. If a girl expresses her sexual desires or has one night stands, she is called a whore but if a boy does the same thing he is called a play boy. Why is it so? Why are we not seen as equals."

"Society sucks Liza. Anyway, what happened next?" he says slowly drawing circles on my back. When did we get this close?

"But they were all lying. Those were rumors. But I knew what was true. I knew. A day before the news of them breaking up spread I was in the wash room when I heard people shouting. I got out of the washroom and saw Sarah and her so-called-boyfriend shouting. Wait, they were not even shouting. She was crying and he was laughing, that fucking asshole was laughing. I don't know what came over me but I hid at one curb and recorded them. He used her. He blamed her for trusting him. And he was proud of what he did. He said it all, how he used her and then how he was now ripping her into pieces. And I had it all recorded." I snuggled my head closer to his chest to hide the tears forming in my eyes and he held me close to him.

"When the rumors started spreading, I could have posted the video on instagram or tumblr anonymously, but I did not." He did not ask me why, cause once again he already knew. But if he did I know what the answer would have been, I was scared. I was scared thinking about what would happen next. What if they find out who posted it? I was a coward.

"The rumors kept spreading. People hated the girl, and I hated myself for not posting the video. One day after a month at least I was sitting in an abandoned room. I had come there to practice for the teens and after the practice I was just sitting at the corner and drinking water. All of a sudden Sarah entered the room. I thought that somehow she had come to know that I had a recording and hence she had come to talk to me. But no. she went to the nearest window and just stood there. Her eyes were swollen and red she had been crying. She was weak she had probably not eat."

"Almost fifteen minutes had past and she had not moved. I sensed that something was wrong and stood up cautiously. The moment I stood up, she got up on the windowsill. I panicked and I rushed towards her but she had already jumped and we were on the highest floor of the building. I was close, so close but I-"

All of a sudden, hiding the tears was more than difficult, it was impossible. He just held me tighter as I cried.

"it's okay."

"No its not. I could have. She even extended her hand towards me but it was not close enough. And you know what the worst part is? The worst part is that the moment she fell, she regretted it. She did not want to, but. After the news spread that she had fell everyone started making up bullshit about her. Nobody knew that I had been there that day. That asshole did not even feel guilty of what he did. And at one point I was sick of everything. She did not deserve anything that happened to her. So I posted the video. I did not even care making another account cause I realized that life is too short to be spent being scared."

"What did he do after he realized that it was you?"

"He cornered me when I was alone. Everybody hated him and he was even expelled so he had to meet me out of the school area. He looked at me with those disgusting eyes and touched me with those disgusting hands. He was a criminal. It's funny how people take everything as a joke and think that the other person will be fine with whatever they do. That day, I broke one of his hands. I wanted to break both but I couldn't and that's when I started taking karate classes."

"Why did you not tell this to Elena?"

"I- wait, how did you know that I did not tell her?"

"Uh, I just guessed it."

"I just did not feel like it. I don't know, I just couldn't.

"its not your fault you know."

"It's not. I know. But I still could have stopped it. But I gave the asshole what he deserved and I guess that kinda makes it up."

"liza, you, are the strongest and the best girl I've aver seen."

"sure" I say with a sarcastic laugh.

"I don't lie." He said in a serious tone and I found myself lost in his green eyes.

"your eyes are not like mosses you know, and now that I think of it, there is nothing wring with moss green eyes."

"What are they like then?" he says after laughing at my previous comment.

"They are a mixture between emerald green and forest green with golden specks. They are like an emerald forest on fire."

"And yours are midnight blue and every time light reflects, it's like stars shining at the night sky." And that's all I heard before I peacefully drifted off to sleep.

***

A/N: I'd like to end by telling everyone who had read this that, suicide is not an option that saves you from all the problems. It kills you, even though the fact is so obvious, some people do not realize it. In life, there are moments where it absolutely sucks or it maybe even worse but we should talk to somebody about it, anybody, it may not be a therapist or somebody whom you know. Talk to people anonymously and if you are not comfortable in that, write a journal. That's what i do, i write about all my feelings. if anybody needs a friend to talk to for matters where you feel lonely and depressed, know that i am here, just message me and believe me, I understand.

xxbleedingtears21

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