My name is Rayna Hill and I welcome you to my story.
These past 22 years of my life have been very hard on me and you're probably wondering why so I'll tell you. You see I lost my parents when I was very young, and especially my mother whom I lost during my birth. As you can see I never got to meet my mother, the most kind person in the world, always willing to help others and of course a fighter.
Growing up without my mother was horrid. I might have been quite young at the time, but I could feel her loss around me. My father did the best he could in order to raise both me and my brother River properly. Of course it wasn't the same, but I really admired his efforts. Don't even wanna think how hard it was for him to lose her.
The day I was born my father had a very important choice to make. He was forced to choose between the love of his life and his unborn daughter. A very difficult dilemma if you ask me. I remember him telling me that when he had to choose between us, my mother told him these exact words ''Save Rayna, save our baby girl and remember that I will love you both always and forever.'' and so he did, he chose me although I really wish he hadn't. Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have so many people by my side.
But the thing is, I blame myself for my mothers death and I always will. I always think that if it weren't for me my lovely mother would still be alive and would have the life she always wanted.
Then again she wouldn't have me and knowing her she would never forgive herself for losing me. My father and River have tried many times telling me to stop blaming myself for what happened, but I just can't. Also I hope you realized why I hate my birthday and the reason I never celebrate them.
To me it's a constant reminder that my mother is dead and even though it's not true I feel like I killed her. My brother and father have tried so hard to help me get over it, but how are you supposed to just act like it's something normal when you clearly don't feel like it is?
Ever since I lost my mother I have to admit I was feeling lost myself. It was hard truth be told, but I'm very grateful having my father and River by my side helping me to cope with it. It would be unfair to take all credit though considering the fact that my brother was suffering as much as I was maybe even worse. He might be older than me, but he was just two years old when our mom died so he also didn't have time to meet her as much as I would have wanted too.
Although growing up was hard there were happy times as well. Dad, River and I did everything together. It's needless to say that we were totally inseparable like literally. We also visited mom's grave very often, because dad used to say that it was important to keep our bond to our mother even though she wasn't with us anymore. I couldn't agree more with that and that's why every night before I let sleep take over me I prayed that wherever my mother was that she would be safe and happy. It's all I ever wanted for her.
My dad and River weren't the only family I had though. From what he had told me he was the leader of his very own gang The Ravens. He joined the gang when he was twelve and at the age of eighteen he became leader. I love every single member in that gang. They are all so kind and protective which is exactly what I needed back then.
Shortly after my 8th birthday was around the corner and everyone was excited with the exception of myself. During the past years I never celebrated my birthdays for the obvious reasons and this year would be no exception. But as usual my family was not happy with my decision so they tried to talk me into throwing a small party with only close friends and family. I don't know why but something inside me insisted for me to agree and I did. Only again I wish I hadn't.
We were all having the best time and yes including me, until my dad collapsed and passed out on the floor out of literally nowhere. I was the first to see him fall and when I did I immediately rushed to his side and held his hand. Tears were flowing down my cheeks and my eyes were as sore as ever. We quickly picked him up and rushed him to the hospital.
Waiting at the stupid waiting room was complete torture. River was holding me so I wouldn't do anything stupid like rushing into the emergency room where they were keeping my poor dad. I didn't stop crying not for a slight second. Can you blame me though? Because I wouldn't.
After for what seemed like forever, the nurse came to inform us about my dad's death, saying how sorry she was and giving her condolences. At this point I couldn't take it anymore, so I pushed River off of me and ran as fast as I could outside to calm myself down. I could hear River calling out to me but I didn't really care. All I wanted was some time alone to think about what had just happened in there.
A little later, I felt River hugging me and I responded almost immediately. I have never been this sad and heartbroken before. It felt like my world was falling apart and to be honest it was. But being in my brother's arms helped me relax a little bit and regain my composure.
When we returned to the hospital everyone came hugging me and that's when the tears pushed their way forward to my cheeks again. Despite everyone telling me that everything was gonna be fine I ignored them. Perhaps because I knew that game all too well. Nothing is ever fine. What else would you say to an eight year old who had lost both of her parents on her birthday and now is as broken as ever?