Esperanza: When the Blue meets the Hazel

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Chapter 11


What was he thinking of?

Was Mr. Richardson thinking that I was going to let Kyle go off because he wanted to spend some time with me?

What was he thinking of?

Was he thinking that Ms. Amy Morgan was just a stupid little girl who can be easily manipulated ?

What was he thinking of?

Was he thinking that I would believe what he told me the other day at the beach? Was he thinking that I would do that even if I wish I believed every word he said to me that special day?

What was he thinking of?

Was he thinking that we could go further together? Was he thinking I could let him in my heart so easily? Was he thinking that I could betray my friend Lisa after all she did to me?

What was he thinking of?
Was he thinking that he could play with my poor heart? Was he thinking that I would trust his intensions? Was he thinking that he would leave his wife and his children to be with me ... only me? Was he thinking that he could fall in love with me like I was falling in love with him?What was he thinking of?

Was he thinking that such a story between a young woman and a middle-aged man could work out? Was he thinking that our story could ever exist?

What was he thinking of?

Was he thinking that I was going to let him into me, my body? Was he thinking that this access to my body was something accessible to him ?Was he thinking that he could get whatever he wanted?

What was he thinking of? Why me? Why choosing me? What do I have so special to want me ... to desire me ... to risk his life to be with me?

So many rhetorical questions to which I could desperately not find any answers ... any plausible explanations ... just one he may truly like me as I was. Was it possible, however, to fall in love with such a girl like me? Such a powerful and handsome man falling for a girl like Amy Morgan ?

I wish ... I keep wishing ...I wish he could fall in love with me.

I wish he could really like me for who I was inside and not only from the outside. I won’t let another man ruin my life. Enough is enough. Tyler Morrison was a safe card to play. He was a nice guy. He seemed to like me. He was nearly my age and he was in love with me.

I needed a man who can be accessible. A man who can belong to my world. And look what happened? Look at what he did to me ! He cheated on me with another girl.

Mr. Richardson would never belong to my world. He was much older than me. He was married and I didn’t want to destroy his life, because of a summer crush, don’t want to destroy his wife’s life either, and especially my friend’s life. After all, I am not a bad person. I am not, I know I am not.

If Lisa knew about what was going on between her father and I, what would be her reaction? How would she react? What could she do?

I wasn’t ready to lose my friend. I liked her too much. I couldn’t betray her trust.
The truth was that I was irresistibly attracted to Marvin.
I wanted him to be part of my simple life. The reality, on the other hand, was that we couldn’t be together for so many reasons. And I had to get accustomed to such an idea. I didn’t have the choice. I needed to come up with a plan to let him understand that what was between us the other day was just a mistake, something that should have never happened. Never again.

The solution for me was Kyle. Kyle was already my boyfriend. He seemed to like me a lot and care about me. I had to open up my heart to him and let myself become closer to him.
I knew Marvin was spying on us like the episode of the swimming pool. This time was different. I had to let him understand that I was moody and that I wanted to have sex with another man other than him, which actually was a big lie.

I cuddled Kyle then looked deeply into his eyes. He was looking back at me hoping for me to manifest myself ... hoping for me to get closer to him ... and that was what I did ... I kissed him. He kissed me back and we started to make out in the garden. I was pretty sure that Marvin was looking at us. I wanted him to keep looking and realize that I wasn’t the girl for him. The kisses I exchanged with Kyle became hotter and hotter to the point that I started feeling his hands on my chest. My hands were on his back, caressing his muscles in return. We were making out, our bodies embracing each other in an intimate nightly moment, when we were interrupted by Marvin’s rough voice. We stopped immediately. Kyle was very embarrassed to see that Mr. Richardson caught us kissing and having a nice time together in the garden. I must say after a long reflexion that my hands were under Kyle’s pants, in his boxers more precisely. His hands were almost under my t-shirt preparing the ground to go to my bra. I was embarrassed but at the same time I felt somehow remorse and at the same time pride. Marvin was looking at me searching for a logical explanation to what I was doing, then said angrily “What the hell are you doing in my garden !”
- “Mr. Richardson, please do accept my apologies ... we didn’t mean to bother you !” Kyle said embarrassed.
- “Get out of my property Kyle ! I don’t want you to come here again.” he warned.
- “Mr. Richardson I am so sorry !”
- “I said get out ! Get the hell oit of here now !” he shouted at him.

Kyle was very embarrassed. He didn’t know what to do. He looked back at me. I kept looking back at him. I was stuck, too. I didn’t know what to do.
- “Amy, I want you to come inside right now. To my office ... now !”

I said good bye to Kyle and went inside. Mr. Richardson closed the door furiously. We were alone at home I guess. I left Lisa earlier in the living room. Actually, I came to see Lisa and Kyle decided to come over. He said he really needed to speak to me. I couldn’t say no after the dozen of missed calls he left me today. We had planned to go out Lisa, Tiffany and I. I guess the girls didn’t want to bother me earlier when I was with Kyle so they left.
I sat on the sofa. He came and sat on the armchair in front of me. He looked tense. He didn’t stop clasping and unclasping his hands. I must say that I didn’t like to upset him, but I like it in a way or another. I did that with Kyle to make him jealous. I wanted to know if he really cared about me. How much I was important to him. Now, I have to calm him down because he seemed really upset.

- “I would like to apologize Marvin ... I didn’t mean to disturb you ...”

- “Are you messing up with me Amy ? Is that what you want !” he looked at me with confused eyes.

- “No ... of course not. It’s just that I had a terrible time with Kyle those days.” I explained.

- “And this is how you try to handle the situation with him !”

- “He’s my boyfriend !” I explained.

- “What about me? What about what happened at the beach?”

What!? I wasn’t expecting such thing from him. I thought I was...I was just a game. He couldn’t be serious, right!?
I don’t know what to think, what to say... I was embarrassed. I didn’t want to reply to that.

I couldn’t tell him how I was feeling about the whole situation. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to lose him, but I had to find a way to move on with my life.
- “We had a nice time, I guess !”

I said in an indifferent voice. I wasn’t meaning on telling him this, but I fumbled my words...and finished by saying that.

I really tried to speak out those few words out of my mouth as natural as it could seem.

He didn’t expect me to reply like that. He thought I might be saying something else and I could see it in his eyes.

- “A nice time ... so for you the fact that I came to see you and searched for you meant nothing to you. Is that what I understand from “we had a nice time !” ?

- “Marvin ...” I said very confused.
I shouldn’t have told him that.

- “Answer me” he yelled.

- “I don’t want to talk to you right now !” I yelled back.

- “Oh no ... you are not going anywhere Amy I need to know. Fuck!”

He stepped further toward me. We were just face to face. He was irresistibly sexy. Handsome. And I started to blush.

- “Answer me Amy ! Are you messing with me?”

- “How could you say that ?”

- “Don’t pretend you’re not ! I saw what you were doing with Kyle the whole time !”

- “Kyle is my boyfriend ! It’s none of your business !”

- “Don’t try the mean attitude with me girl ! don’t dare or I will ...”

- “Or you will what ? What will you do to me ... huh ?!” I yelled at him

- “Don’t provoke me Amy ... I am really upset !”

We were so close enough to exchange a kiss. I could feel jealousy and anger over his eyes. I liked it so much. I liked to know that he was jealous, that proved he had feelings for me.
- “I am not a fuck toy Mr. Richardson !” I finally told him.

- “What! Who said you’re a f--toy ?” he frowned and looked at me in astonishment.

- ” Nobody. This was a simple impression I had. I don’t want to be your mistress. I am not a game. You’re married to one of the sexiest woman I have ever known in my life. Why would you be interested in me? Was it my body that you would like to get?”

- “Amy how could you speak like that ! I don’t like you to speak to me this way ! You don’t know me Amy ! If you really knew me, you wouldn’t say that !”

- “Enlighten me then !”

- “Don’t provoke me !”

- “I’m not provoking you sir ... it is just that I am afraid !”

- “Afraid of me?” I didn’t reply. In reality, I was afraid of his intentions. I kept looking at him without saying a word.

- “Please say something Amy !” he said softening his voice and put his hand on my shoulder.

- “What would you like me to say?”

- “Say what is coming out of your mind now ! I need to understand ! I need to know!”

- “I want you Marvin ... I want you to make love to me ... but I can’t let myself do that ! You know why! Because I am afraid of what would be going on after ... what are your real intentions ! I am afraid of you because you belong to a world which is not mine. I feel myself insignificant in your world. I feel I hadn’t the right to mess with your life. You shouldn’t be liking someone like me. Not me !”

I let the words come out of my chest, tired of fighting back what I was feeling for him.

All the time I was speaking with all the strength in my damn guts, he was looking at me deeply in the eye. He was admiring the way I was speaking, expressing what I was really feeling for him, and confessing my fears about what was about to be called “our story”. He came closer to me and said in a soft voice ” do not fear me Amy. Let me in your heart.”

- “Why should I let you in my heart? Why should I do that?”

- “Because you feel the same way as I do”

I stopped speaking for a moment. I didn’t want to reply because I was speechless. I was getting myself lost in the blue of his eyes once again.

- “I know it is hard for you to believe what I told you the other day, and I thoroughly understand your behavior. It is hard for me, too.”

- “You can lose more than I can lose ... you are risking your family to be with me, Marvin ! I don’t want to be responsible for that!”

- “If I choose to be closer to you, it will be my own choice. I know that I am risking... a lot of things, my family, my work, my children ... my wife”.

- “Marvin ! Stop, please !” I begged him.

- “Listen to me Amy ! Let me finish my words ... I am ready to lose myself just to be with you. I know I mustn’t be saying that because I am older than you, I had to think reasonably, I had to restrain myself because I am not allowed to fall for another woman, other than my wife. But, I did. Yes, it happened to me. I have never thought in my entire life that I can be attracted to another woman other than my wife. But I did. It’s insane. It’s forbidden. Think of it as something bad. I do like it though. I am crazy maybe. Despite all this, I like how crazy I am. Yes I like feeling this way! I am fed up with my life and you came, all of a sudden, unexpectedly, and revived me.
I wanted to live again out of this routine, out of these responsibilities that I had to handle all my life, out of this world I am trapped in for so long. I am a crazy man. I know. What I know the most is that I need you. So don’t go away from me, Amy”.

He confessed, speaking the words out of his mind in a sincere way.

I was astonished at all the words he had just uttered. I couldn’t realize the depth of such a revelation.

Was he aware of what he had just declared to me? Was he conscious of the danger of such words? It couldn’t be true. It couldn’t be true. No, dear lord, it couldn’t ...
- “What about me? Have you thought of me?”

- “Amy ... I know you want the same thing, I know ... and I can read it through your eyes ... don’t lie to yourself ! Let it go ...”

- “Marvin, please stop ... I can’t. It’s hard for me. What would I gain if our story worked?”

- “Me.” he said defenseless.

I felt he would devote his entire self to me, at that precise moment, if I said yes. I felt he was no longer that powerful man I knew; I felt he really needed me, for some mysterious reasons, in his life. He really did even if I was obstinate and stubborn to think the opposite way. I think he was blindly crazy about me. How could he be so blind!? He shouldn’t feel this way, a man of such a status falling for a skinny, little girl like me! This was nonsensical. It couldn’t be real. I tried to hold off myself much as I could not to fall for him after what he just told “me”. I couldn’t answer. Couldn’t utter a word, a phrase, even a syllable, a letter. I was gazing at him. He was waiting for me to answer, to reply even with a smile or an approving glance, a nod. I didn’t want to. It was hasty. I had to follow my mind, not my heart. I didn’t want him to lose all the things he had struggled to build and achieve to finally fall for me. I didn’t want that though I desired him so much to be part of my life.

- “You think I am crazy, Amy? Is that what you think of me?” he said disappointed.

- “I didn’t say that ! I had to go Marvin. I had to go back to the hotel. It’s getting late. Everyone can come back now.”

- “They won’t. Carla will come after midnight. Lisa isn’t home. Jason and the girls are invited to a party.”

- “I want to go to the hotel.”

- “Let me drive you back there.”

- “No, I will take a taxi.”

- “Amy, please ...” he insisted.

- “I said no.”

Suddenly, we heard a car being pulled over in the yard in front of the house. I stood up, grabbed my bag and said “I am going to leave from the other door. I don’t want anyone to see me here.”

He didn’t say anything. He just stood there watching me leaving his house. All along the way back to the hotel, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Marvin just told me. I felt myself submerged with joy, but at the same time sadness. I knew I was harsh on him, that I wasn’t responsive as he would want me to. I wasn’t like the other at the beach.

That day was magical. I was into him. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I behaved and what I told him. I confessed to him how much I feared what would come in the future. I had never thought that he would tell me those words that, for me, were inconceivable to say. Those words should be said to his wife, not to me.

How come was I better than Mrs. Richardson? How come did he forget about his wife, the woman with whom he built up his life with? How come? How can that happen?

Maybe because I am younger, but I am not as prettier as she is. Maybe because I am slimmer than her, but I don’t like my body. How can he be attracted to that body that I struggle to live in despite everything that happened to me? How can he desire that body which I try to shape in the ugliest way on earth? How can he need me? How? Why? How on earth can a man of his status need a young woman like me?

I am not as rich as he is. I am not as powerful as he is. I am not as important as he is. I am just Amy. I wish I were Carla Richardson. She is one of the prettiest woman I have ever known in my life.
On the other hand, I felt so lucky because he chose me over her. He chose to need me, to be with me and not her.

This was what he told me. Should I trust him? I do not know much about it.
I felt so special for him. For the first time in my life, I felt so special for a man. This man, however, wasn’t any kind of man. He was one of the most powerful, wealthiest, and most handsome man in that area of Santa Barbara. At least for me. Of course he was.It made me feel so special. It made me feel so lucky that he started to choose me over her, over his wife.
I may be young and naïve, but I wanted to believe his words. His glances. His touches and his kisses.

What a beautiful sensation to feel special for someone. To feel that a man needs you by his side as much as you need him in return ... needs you to hold him and tell him that you will be there each time he needs you. To feel that he needs to plunge into the color of your eyes and tells you for the hundredth time how much he likes to have you in his life.

What an amazing sensation to be treated as a queen in a man’s eyes. To feel that your man would do anything for you. To feel that your man would do anything for you. To feel that if you decide to go away, his world may collapse. He may fall in a web of melancholy and never recover again. It was new for me to be able to feel such sensations that I’ve never felt before; That I’ve never been through. All this was so new and I couldn’t get rid of it. I couldn’t and didn’t want to. He was Marvin. He wasn’t any other man.
Marvin. My Marvin.

It was the first time I thought of him as my Marvin. As he claimed me for himself, I wanted to claim him for myself too. I was going mad maybe. Yet it is worth it.

I liked the idea that a man was ready to risk his life and world for me. I was playing with fire.

Still these were just words. Should I believe him? Should I believe all the things he has told me? Should I trust him, trust this man with whom I was falling in love unwillingly?

If I could only knew ... if only ... if only ... he wasn’t married ... if only he was my age ... if only ...Sometimes, things do not happen the way we want, the way we expected them to happen and above all they happen when we were prepared the least for them to occur. Yet they happen without making us aware of the fact they are really happening.

Can we call this fate ? Can we ? When I arrived, I found my mother lying on the bed watching T.V. My baby sister was next to her playing with her hair.
- “Here you are Amy ! Lily missed you this afternoon and wants to play with you. Isn’t it Lily?” she asked Lily teasingly.

Lily turned to me and smiled.
- “I missed you both, mom.”

- “Are you okay honey?”

- “Yes, I’m fine. Why asking me this question?”

- ” Because you don’t seem so.”

- ” I am fine mom. It is just a long day, that’s all.”

- “By the way, before I forget, guess who came to the hotel today!?”

Who came to the hotel? Don’t tell me it is Marvin!

- “You tell me ! I don’t know ...” I said expecting the worst to come.

- ” Well, it is Tyler ! Tyler Morrison”

- “What? Tyler was here ?”

- “Yes he came earlier in the afternoon. I don’t know from whom he managed to get the address. He told me he needed to see you. And that he would come back another time.”

Tyler Morrison is still in Santa Barbara. I can’t believe it. Why is he still here? Why is he insisting on seeing me? I just want to know the reason. I don’t want to see him anymore. I was clear about the other day at Marvin’s. I am sure he is going to chase me up.
- “Did you really break up with him?”

- “Yes mom. I told you about that already. I don’t want to talk about this subject another time. For me it’s over.”

- “Second chances exist Amy. Don’t be too strict. Everyone deserves a second chance. I know that Jim disapproves of this and so do I. Maybe he is a nice guy after all.”

- “Not everyone and especially men !”

It came out of a sudden out of my mouth. I couldn’t resist not telling her this. She should know. I am not like her. I don’t want to give another chance to the young man who broke my heart. No way. Never.

- ” Okay Amy. Why are you upset each time I try to speak with you about men?”

- “I am not upset mom ... just annoyed. I don’t wanna talk about Tyler. Please.”

She didn’t reply. She kept looking at me while I was searching for my underwear. Now, I am becoming really annoyed I had to handle three men: Marvin, Kyle, and now Tyler. So thrilling ! So exciting ! This situation started to get on my nerves. I didn’t want to see Tyler again because of what happened on the day I decided to leave Phoenix. Kyle, on the other hand, is another story. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I couldn’t invest myself more into our relationship because I do not feel the same way he feels towards me. And all that because of Mr. Richardson.

Oh God ! Help me out! What am I going to do? I feel lost ...I could no longer think for now.

I needed to go to bed and spend some time with them. I really needed to be entertained by someone that night.I thought I couldn’t find a funnier person as my little baby sister. She was so small and so cute. I would hold her in my arms all the time if I could.

Those days I spent with them I felt myself getting better and better ... hopefully.
There was something I couldn’t get rid of, I couldn’t ignore: who was my real dad? I really need to know. It was weird because before I wanted to know him but it wasn’t a necessity. Today was different. I needed to know who my father was because I wanted to meet him, I wanted to understand why he had never searched for me, why he had never wanted to know his own daughter, I reached a time in my lifetime when I needed to find my dad ... no matter what it would take me. I want to meet him and to get to know him better. I needed to have a dad. I wanted my dad to be part of my life. I shouldn’t evoke this subject in front of my mother. The last time we spoke about my father was five years ago. I had a few details about him. I don’t know much of their story or should I say all I knew was the version of my mother. I trusted my mother though.I thought I had to speak with her about my father during the week because I would never find another occasion to do so. I don’t want Jim to know about this story. It was a chapter in my life that I am intending to keep it secret. This was very personal. It was between my mother and myself only.
It was high time I knew the truth about this mysterious man who was my father.That man who gave me life in spite of never being able to be present in my life. Still I needed to know him ... I felt a real need to know his identity and I really hope to know him one day.

If I only knew where he was ... if only ...

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