Esperanza: When the Blue meets the Hazel

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Chapter 12


She left me standing in the living room. I was disoriented and I couldn’t understand why she behaved this way.

She showed me another facet of herself. She showed me a facet that I didn’t know about her. Maybe, I was wrong, but I felt that she was afraid of me ... and even though I tried to lie to myself, I could understand why she felt so.
She was right after all: I was older than her and I was married. She was right to be frightened of what happened between us. And I have to admit that even for me, it was unexpected and confusing in spite of the fact that it was spontaneous.

I needed to smell her fragrance.
I needed to come closer to her. I needed to feel her lips on mine. She needed to surround herself to me, sink into my eyes, hold my arms, and feel the warmth of my soul.

I felt she wanted me as much as I wanted her. She was mistaken, I wanted her more than she did. It was insane to think so, but I did. This girl was driving me definitely crazy. I was happy to know that there were only three days left before Mona Morgan would go back to Phoenix. After that, she would come back to my house again. Amy would be back and I would see her more often.

She left me alone in the living room. She left me thinking about what was going on between us. I couldn’t recognize myself as I was flustered. I had little control over the whole situation. I was falling for her... how silly of me. How foolish of me to think this could work in any possible way. Damn it, Marvin!

I couldn’t deny the fact that I’ve started to feel the need of her, I wanted to feel her ... feel her against me ... feel her wrapped around my arms .... feel her, observing every gesture I would make, every single word I would say, and every single glance I would exchange with her.
I needed to feel her presence in this single room ... right now ... look at her for the umpteenth time and realize how beautiful she is, how lucky I was to have her with me ... make her laugh ... smile ... and lean on me.
I would protect her ... be with her as long as she wanted. This was all she wanted, I knew it from the look of her eyes and I wanted it, too. Against all odds, I wanted to be with this woman. She was driving me crazy.


My Amy.

How could you think for a single moment that I could play with you? How could you think that this story means nothing to me?
How could you? How could you think that?
You started to fill my life with joy and excitement ... feelings that I lost over the years, feelings that I forgot about throughout time came with a rainbow of hope into my life ... an arrow of a new love into my heart ... and I ... I couldn’t not resist you.

You came as the light of dawn in this dullness I was trapped in, and you magically enlightened my heart with a glimpse of delight. I would lie if I told you that I did not want you ... I would lie if I told you that you did not mean anything to me ....I would lie if I told you that I thought of you as a fuck toy.

Do you really think that I would think of you as such, Amy?
How come do you think that it could happen?

“A fuck toy”, “an object”, whatever, this word was stuck in my mind. I couldn’t get rid of it. I was really upset at what she just told me. I never had expected that from her. I didn’t want her to think that of me. That was wrong. I really needed her for some reason.

I know I was asking for more and I know that she wanted the same.

The problem was my status. That was normal to think so.
I didn’t think of her as a mistress. It wasn’t my intention.
All I, genuinely, wanted was to live something real with her ... and what was happening between us was so real.
My thoughts were with Amy. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and I needed to breathe some fresh air.

I heard the voice of Carla calling my name. I turned and there she was. She just came back. She said hi and came closer. There was this look on her eyes and I could tell that she wanted to have sex with me. She seemed to be drunk. I didn’t want her then, nor did I want to kiss her. I didn’t want to hold her either. I didn’t even think of making love to her. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want her ... I wanted to be alone. I needed her to leave me alone.

- “Baby ... you’re here. I missed you !” she said in a flirty voice, as she came closer to me placing both arms on my neck in attempt to kiss me.

- “Carla ! What are you doing?” I said exasperated. It wasn’t the moment to mess up with me.

Back off.

- “I want you now ... let’s go to our bedroom !” she insisted without realizing that I was not in the mood for making love to her.

- “No, Carla. You need to sleep. You’re intoxicated” I said firmly and gently removed her arms from my neck.

- “No ... I don’t want to sleep. Don’t tell me what to do! I want you to make love to me ... like the other day !” This time with more insistence on the matter, she grabbed my hand and invited me upstairs.

- “Not tonight. I am tired”. I said harshly. Not even a glimpse of enthusiasm in my husky voice.

- “But I am not, Marvin. Let’s go upstairs” she begged me.

I don’t like when she does that: she keeps insisting and insisting.

- “I said no. I don’t want to have sex tonight.” I finally uttered the words as they should have been said from the beginning.

- “What’s wrong with you?” she said, very confused and I could tell how much she was hurt. She had her hand holding mine, but when she knew that I was not going to follow her upstairs, she loosened the grip and let it go. I didn’t mean to hurt her, but she kind of obliged me and I had to be honest with her.

- “I told you I’m tired. Go upstairs Carla, you need to sleep. How many drinks have you had tonight?”

- “Not that you damn care ! Fuck you, Marvin! ” she said annoyed.

- “You know that I don’t like you when you get yourself drunk! ”

- “Stop being so bossy, Marvin. I’m free and I was having fun with the girls. That’s all! ” she denfends herself.

- “Yes, I know but you weren’t obliged to drink too much !” I scold her. She smiled carelessly and made another attempt to get closer to me to be able to kiss me, but I stopped her right away. I felt she didn’t really grasp it and couldn’t figure it out.

- “Why are you rejecting me? You’ve never done that before!”

- “You’re drunk I told you ! Leave me alone!”

- “What is going on with you?”

- “Nothing. Go upstairs!”

- “No ... stop saying that to me!” she yelled at me.

- “Don’t yell at me ! Stop !” I yelled back.

- “Then stop yelling and let’s make love, baby!” she begged again.

- “No, I don’t want to ... don’t you understand !” I raised my arms in the air, in an attempt to protest.

Yes, I know I shouldn’t have said that to my wife. It was very rude to say such a thing to her. She was appalled at the way I behaved and couldn’t understand what was going on with me.

- “Marvin !” disappointment in her eyes was obvious as she started to get herself away from me.

- “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you” I interrupted her, trying to hold her by the arm.

- “Let go of me, of my hand ! Leave me alone” she shouted at me, jerking her hand away from mine, then left the room to go upstairs.

Perfect, I screwed up. Fuck !

I didn’t mean to hurt her. I didn’t mean to make her feel rejected. I didn’t want that to happen, but now it happened. I felt so bad about it and decided to go out for a walk. I knew where I would go. I needed to go for a walk at the beach with my dog Max.

I needed to listen to the waves of the sea, to feel the sea breeze over my face and to look at the deep blue. We sat on the sand. Max felt that I wasn’t alright. He just sat next to me looking around. I was focused on the sea. I kept watching the deep blue. It was a warm night, as all the nights when moonlight invites itself bright in the dark sky. The sea was calm. There were a few people around. I liked the sensation of listening to the waves lulling me to forget about all the pain I had inside. I liked contemplating that dark blue mesmerizing my deep thoughts about her. About Amy.

That night, I felt myself being pulled over a deep well. Maybe I shouldn’t have kissed her in the first place. Maybe I shouldn’t have let myself fall for her. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to her room to observe her naked. Maybe I shouldn’t have given myself a chance to be with her. Maybe I shouldn’t have transgressed the red limit. Maybe I shouldn’t have said all those words to her. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her how much I needed her by my side ... maybe I shouldn’t have gotten closer to her ...Maybe I shouldn’t have opened my heart to her ... Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.

Other people will get hurt if only they knew about Amy and I.
The truth was I cared little about that. What really mattered for me was her. I wanted to get closer to her. I wanted to show her how much I desired her and I wanted to go into her in every imaginable way. I wanted this girl. I wanted her so bad.

Where was I going? What direction to take now? I felt I was stuck and I couldn’t know which way to take ... which path to follow ...I know I was making a big mistake because I was cheating on my wife; a thing I have never done before. There was something though which was prompting me to do that ... to go forcefully toward Amy ... it was lust and desire. I couldn’t stop it.

She was tempting this hidden part of me which was getting closer and closer to her. She bewitched me in every unimaginable way. Was I falling in love with a woman I barely knew? Could that be possible to fall in love at first sight?

I had never experienced that in my whole life! Can that be called love or was it simply attraction? I do not know.

What was happening to me those days? I started to feel myself changing all over the days. It was not the same as a few weeks ago. All along this time I spent in front of the sea, I was thinking of myself, then of her. The thought of Carla disappeared from my mind, for she wasn’t , but Amy did. I was afraid of what I was planning to or should I say desiring to undertake because I felt I was drowning into the depth of the unknown, desiring and seeking for something that I might never possess. I was playing a dangerous game and I must say I started to like it ... more than I should be.

All I knew was that I wanted to see her whenever I could; I needed to see her face and to smell her natural perfume. As I was thinking about what would come in the future, my cellphone rang. It was Lisa calling.

I picked up the phone and it appeared that it wasn’t Lisa’s voice on the phone, but Amy’s instead. I was surprised at first, then started to get worried.
- “Mr. Richardson, it is ... Amy !”

- “Amy ! Is everything okay?” I worried.

- “Yes ... everything is fine ... it is just to inform you that Lisa is in the hotel with us. She wanted to spend the night here.”

- “What happened? Is Lisa okay?”

- “Yes yes sir. She’s fine. You don’t have to worry”

- “You’re not telling me the truth Amy ! What’s wrong with Lisa?”

- “You don’t have to worry ... really!! Everything is under control.”

Something was going on and I had to know what it was. Now it was time to stand up and forget about yourself Marvin.

Time to check up on your daughter !

- “Amy I am coming to the hotel now” I said instinctively, then hung up the phone.

I came back home. It was around ten thirty. Carla was sleeping. Jason and the girls were not home. I took my keys, then headed to my car and prepared myself to drive over to the hotel.

I arrived twenty minutes later. There wasn’t much traffic. I pulled over the car then called Lisa’s number again. I didn’t know which room it was.

I saw Amy on the second floor waving toward my direction to indicate the way. I was glad to see her again, and she made me feel serene at the thought of how bad can Lisa be.

- “Where is she?” I asked

- “She’s inside. She’s fine Marvin. Mom is with her.” she spoke quietly and comforted me as much as I needed.

- “What happened to her?”

- “I ... I don’t know if I am allowed to tell you that !” She rubbed the back of her neck.

- “Speak Amy ! I need to know !” I urged her to tell me the truth

- “Well, she got a fight with her ... I mean with her boyfriend, so she decided to drink some know. That’s all !” she confessed.

- “What! When did that happen?”

- “Earlier this evening !”

- “Did you know about it?”

- “No, I didn’t. I swear.”

- “How come you didn’t?! You’re her friend !”

- “She didn’t tell me she had a fight with Eric. How could I know that !? I didn’t know she was going to drink ... ”

- “All this time you were with me ...” I stopped and didn’t want to speak more.

I didn’t finish my sentence because I knew already if I had to be going on speaking, I was going to say something I may not mean it at all and probably hurt her.

- “What do you mean by “all this time I was with you”? ! Do you think I was hiding the truth about her, drinking alcohol ! Is that what you think of me Mr. Richardson!? ” Anger and hurt in her broken voice.

- “Amy ! I’m sorry I wasn’t meaning to ... Look! I really need to see Lisa.” I finished my sentence when Mona came outside the hotel room.

-“Mr. Richardson, good evening !”

- “Good evening Mrs. Carlson. Sorry to bother you at a late hour. I just came to bring my daughter home !”

- “Don’t stay outside, come in. Lisa is asleep now.”

While we came all inside, Lisa was sleeping. She seemed pale and tired.
- “She’s never been intoxicated before. I mean, that much. I don’t know what to say !” I said confused and a bit worried.

- “Yes, I understand. She had a reason to drink, for sure, even though she shouldn’t be. Still, she is still young. But do not worry about her, she’s strong to handle difficult situations !” Mona said in a comforting tone.

I came closer to Lisa and sat on the bed “Lisa, it’s dad I’m here baby. Everything will be alright.” I tugged my fingers into her hair, caressing gently a loose thread of her straight dark hair.

I had to keep myself calm and not to get myself more upset than I let on. It was neither the time nor the place to lecture my daughter.

- “What happened with this Eric? Her boyfriend !” I said turning back to Amy.

- “She came here crying. She was not feeling well. I couldn’t understand a word of what she was saying.” she explained.

- “Amy, your friend will be fine.” Mona assured Amy was was, somehow, guilty.

- “I hope she will.” I finally said, and turned again to check on Lisa.

- “Mr. Richardson let Lisa spend this night here. She needs to rest. I am here if she needs help.”

- “Thank you so much Mrs. Carlson. We will come and get her in the morning, then”

- “Lisa is my daughter, too. She’s a nice girl. I like her a lot” she said looking at Lisa’s direction.

- “Thank you. That’s kind of you. Okay I must leave now. And thank you again.” I stood up and headed to the door.

- “Good night !” Mona said.

- “Good night !”

I was about to leave when the baby started to cry, and she needed to be taken care of.
- “Excuse me I need to go and check on my baby girl. Goodbye Mr. Richardson.”

- “Thank you again”.

I was about to leave by myself when Amy opened the door for me and walked, joining me outside. We were alone in the corridor for a short moment.
- “Marvin, Lisa will be fine, it is just a fight!” She said, comfort in her voice.

I kept looking at her without replying. I was upset and disappointed. I needed to go home and sleep. It was a tiring day.
- “Are you listening to me, sir?”

- “Yes Amy. I am. I have to go now. Good night!”

I barely smiled at her then left her. I didn’t want to speak to her. I was disappointed with what she told me today and now about the story of Lisa.

Was she telling the truth about not knowing where Lisa was? They were close friends, how come she didn’t know about it.
I had twisted thoughts in my mind that I needed to get rid of.

I had to leave for fear of not having another argument with her. And this was what I did. I didn’t turn back to look at her. I was disappointed at her and angry at my daughter about how she spent her night.

When I got back home, Jason’s car was parked in the carport. I was exhausted and needed to go to sleep. I entered the bedroom. Carla was asleep. I tried not to make a noise. I started to undress myself when she turned on the light. Carla was awake, she wasn’t sleeping, actually. She was waiting for me to come back.
Eventually! Great!

- “Where were you Marvin?” Her voice full of worry.

- “ Weren’t you sleeping, were you?!” I didn’t want to answer her. I really didn’t want to. I knew how she would react if she knew what was going on with our daughter.

- “No, I couldn’t sleep ! How could I sleep after what you told me earlier !”

- “Carla look, this is a bad time. I don’t want to talk about it now. I am really tired. I need to rest.”

- “And I need is to understand what is going on with you !?”

- “What do you mean by that?”

- “I just want to understand why you didn’t make love to me tonight! I just don’t get it, it’s not you !!”

- “I am tired Carla, is that hard to understand !?”

- “You look different Marvin!”

- “What? I am the same man you have known all your life. Don’t say silly things!”

- “No, I’m not. I am very serious.”

I was wearing my black boxers and about to remove my white t-shirt when she said “don’t even think of sleeping next to me tonight!”, as I was about to sit on the bed.

- “What ! Carla what are you doing?”

- “You didn’t tell me where you’ve been! It’s been more than one hour since you left the house.”

- ” I ... was ... I went to the hotel where Amy’s mother checked in.”

She became more worried. She couldn’t figure out what was going on.
- “Is everything alright? Is it Amy?”

- “No, it’s not. It’s Lisa, actually!” I finally confessed.

I couldn’t hide the truth from my wife about Lisa. She needed to know what was going on with our daughter.

- “Lisa ! What is going on with my baby girl?” She jumped out of the bed, looking at me aghast.

- “Hey Carla, calm down. Don’t worry she is fine. I swear she’s fine.” I tried to calm her down as much as I could.

- “Marvin what happened to our daughter?” She asked again, waiting for my reply.

- “She had a fight with her boyfriend. So she drank a lot. Did you know that she was dating someone?”

- “Yes ... I guess yes. She told me a little about a certain Eric. He works in Philip’s company.”

- “Hmm I see. So he works for Philip. Anyway, I told Mona Carlson that we would come back early morning.”

- “Oh my poor baby.” she said worried.

- “It is okay Carla. Lisa is fine. But I need some explanations about her, drinking alcohol. She knows her limits !”

Carla started to justify Lisa’s behavior when I raised my voice at her, unwillingly, but she made me do it

“Enough ! I don’t want to talk about that for now. I need to get some sleep”

- “You’re not spending the night here next to me!” she warned again.

- “It’s my bed, too. I think I have the right to sleep in my bed next to you. You’re my wife !”

I got it. I got her message. She was disappointed about what I said to her earlier that I didn’t want her and I knew I shouldn’t have said that to her. It was the truth I didn’t want to make love to her. Carla was looking at me with a feeling of disappointment and worry. I know that look she felt rejected and undesired. I had remorse and I felt guilty for telling her such harsh words earlier that night. I had to do something about that. I cared about her. I still care, but I don’t feel the need and I don’t want to make love to my wife. Not that night. I felt I was obligated to as a way to please her. And this was what happened that night. I thought of a quickie sex. I moved to the other side of my bed so as to place myself in front of her. I was standing while she was sitting on the bed, as a manner to reconsider all the things that have happened so far during this day.

That night I needed to relax myself, and I thought that maybe the idea of having sex would entertain me and make me feel better after all. This was the first thing that came to my mind. I thought it would be a good idea.

I came closer to her and held her hand into mine. She didn't jerk her hand away from mine, but look lost for a while as she didn't get my intention, in the first place; But when I put her hand on my black boxers as an invitation to make love to her, she nodded in agreement.

That night, exceptionally, I wanted her to lead the way. When it comes to sex I like controlling my wife. She was surprised at first, then pleased with the idea.
She kept looking at me, at first to know whether I was really in, then she understood that I wanted the same thing as her.

She started caressing my lower part on the black fabric, then she undressed me by removing my boxers. Now that I was naked, she came closer and started licking that zone part before welcoming a large part of it into her mouth which made me moan louder as she sucked deeper, quicker and longer.

I liked how she was sucking it in a low pitch at first, before moving to a quicker pitch. I was getting so hard to feel the need that I needed to penetrate her as deep as I could. I know she likes it this way.

I was so angry with and disappointed at Amy that I needed to forget her for a while, forget that she was occupying my mind the whole time.

A distraction from reality.

Carla was the solution, at that moment. I needed to fuck my wife in order to get rid of Amy’s image in my head.
I pushed her gently backward on the bed. Her legs were spread. She was wearing a short underwear dress that I managed to put if off easily.
Now she was naked and wanted to kiss me, so I kissed her back to feel excitement all over my body and I thrusted myself into her. The moment I came into her and started to ride her body, all I could feel was excitement. It wasn’t the same. Something has changed. I was doing it mechanically without feeling the same way I was making love to her before. I was focused on reaching orgasm, only.

I was fucking her harder and harder and that was all what mattered to me. I was fucking my wife and I didn’t like what I was doing because I didn’t want her, but I was obligated to. That was the hardest part to admit.

All this time I was fucking my wife, my thoughts were directed toward Amy. I wished I was fucking Amy instead of Carla. I wished my hands were on Amy’s waist and not on Carla’s. I wished I was looking at Amy’s face and not Carla’s. I wish I was penetrating Amy and not Carla.
I wasn’t enjoying that sex time with my wife. It was purely mechanical. There was nothing fun about it. I had to fuck her because she asked so and I didn’t want to go into an argument with her. Apart from that, I needed to forget about Amy, but I couldn’t.

I thought it would be the safest plan to do. It appeared to be misleading to the point that I wasn’t comfortable and wanted it to end. I wanted to reach orgasm quickly and go to sleep just after it.
I was fucking her harder and harder as both of us were groaning and moaning, while I was thinking of Amy till I finally come. I was like fireworks inside Carla projecting all my frustration, anger and disappointment. The moment we finished having sex, I turned to the other side of the bed and put my head on the pillow to sleep when she said “you don’t hug me, Marvin?”

- “Good night... Carla” I said turning off the lamp beside me before dozing off.

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