My wife seemed weaker than the last time I saw her, before her trip to Paris.
After spending time with Lisa and Amy in the living room, we went upstairs and leave the girls free to do whatever they wanted.
I knew perfectly that Amy wasn't at ease with what was going on. Neither did I; but I had to handle it my way.
When we came into the room, Carla put her bag on the bed, turned to me and hugged me tightly. I hugged her back.
I must say that I missed her somehow, I do but no more in the way it should be.
She, then, looked into my eyes and said in a soft voice
"I missed you Marvin".
I smiled at her and didn't reply back.
She kept looking at me, getting closer to me and kissed me on my lips.
I kissed her back. I don't know why I didn't pull her back, I think I didn't want to hurt her.
I had to do what I had to do. Still, I didn't want to go further with her, but she was insisting as she wrapped her arms around her neck, pulling closer towards her body.
I know what she was doing. I know what she wants, and I didn't want that.
No. I didn't want to fuck her. But I was obliged to keep on kissing her until she started to unbotton my shirt, before unzipping my pants, when I gently pushed her away from me.
No. Don't blame me for that Carla. I don't want to hurt you. But I don't want you.
She stopped right away as I stepped back, looking at me puzzled, before she quickly pulled herself together.
"What is going on Marvin?"
" Nothing ..." I lied. I had to.
" You're not telling me the truth. What is going on with you? You haven't missed me, have you? "
" It's not that Carla, it's just that you've just come back from your trip. You are tired and you have to rest."
I said evasively, attempting to turn my back on her when she grabbed my arm firmly and prevented me from walking away.
" Are you serious? We haven't seen each other for a week. Don't pretend to be honest with me, because you're not. You're lying to me right in my face for telling me that. It is just that you don't want to make love to me, is that what you're trying to tell me!? "
Her eyes begged me for telling her that I still loved her and wanted to make love to her.
" Look, Carla, it isn't a good time to speak about that now. I want you to rest for some time. We have all the time to catch up, okay? I am just tired tonight. That's all. I need to go out now. "
I kissed her on her forehead then immediately left the room.
I didn't want to look back at her because I know deep down myself how she was feeling.
I couldn't tell her the truth. Not now. Not tonight.
And I was so angry at myself for treating her as such. She didn't deserve that, but she left me no choice.
I was a terrible person, wasn't I?
After leaving my bedroom, I headed to my office.
I needed to smoke a cigar and drink a glass of whisky to meditate.
This was how I spent the first part of my night, before joining Amy on the beach later on. Not forgetting, the quickie sex part late at night in the guest room.
That night I missed Amy and I didn't care much about the consequences. I needed to be with her, feel her by my side and make love to her and this is what I did. What we did.
I know perfectly that I was playing with fire. Yet I didn't care so fucking much back then.
Shades of light invited themselves through the shutters of my bay window, waking me up, to realize that Carla has already left. As I looked at the clock, it showed five forty-five in the morning, so I decided to have a quick shower, and get myself prepared for work before leaving.
I needed to go off to my office very early that day. I needed to get myself busy with work even if I had to be there before my employees.
As the morning hours started to pass, I didn't realize who came to visit me in my office when my secretary repeated the name of Carla, three times, before asking me if everything was okay with me.
So Carla was here. In front of my office, waiting for me to see her.
Fantastic. Something bad is going to happen. I feel it.
I was surprised to hear that. Carla never visited me at my workplace unless it was an emergency case.
I, finally, told my secretary to let her in.
As Carla stepped into the office, I put my ink pen gently on the file, before gesturing to her to have a seat.
" Hey Carla. Have a seat, please" I smiled at her, trying my best to keep myself calm.
" No thanks. I am fine."
She wasn't fine. Her arms slightly trembled out of...anger.
Oh yeah. She seemed so pissed.
And that bad feeling I had earlier, was so true.
Carla was pissed off at me. She knew something. She knows about Amy and I.
I could feel it.
As silence reigned over the office for a short moment, I didn't know what to do or what to say.
I kept looking at her, searching for any explanations when she decided it was high time, truth had to be revealed.
She came closer to my blackish desk and threw her purse on one of the chairs.
" You think I am stupid or what?" She yelled at me.
"What? What is going on?"
I raised a little bit my voice up, as I was surprised at how her tone raised up a bit in my own office. She never does that.
"You ... you tell me what is going on !" She yelled again at me, pointing her index to me.
I stood up, but remained still and didn't want to reply in the first place.
I suspected she knew about Amy and I. Or should I say, I was certain she knew about us.
Maybe, she spied on me yesterday evening when I joined Amy to the beach.
I don't know. Or maybe, when we came back to the house and the part when I decided to go with her to the guest room, when we were inside and when~
Of course, she knows.
The sound. Yesterday evening.
It was her. Definitely her.
She must have followed us to the room and finally saw what I was doing to Amy there, back then.
In spite of all this fucking mess going on in my office, I didn't want to take the risk to tell her.
So I decided to keep my mouth shut. For the moment.
" I can't believe it Marvin! I still can't believe that you don't tell me about it! I mean how could you do that to me!! I just can't" She yelled at me again.
" We're in my office. Stop yelling at me, and just tell me why you're here. What do you want to talk about? " I tried to keep myself as calm as possible.
" You're so fucked up ! You know that!? "
"Stop it ! Stop it Carla !" I yelled at her as my eyes darted on her, threatening her not to do that again.
" I can't believe it! No I just can't" She ran her fingers into her brownish hair nervously, not realizing what is going on.
"You can't believe what?!"
I threw both arms in the air, as a gesture of protest, pushing her thus, to open up herself more to me.
I know I was a coward. A coward for not telling my wife about my affair with Amy.
But, I couldn't do it. I mean, even if I had the opportunity to tell her, I would never spill the beans. Because I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to hurt my children as well.
I don't want to blow up what I've built so far. All this.
But at the same time, I could not lose Amy because I love her.
" How dare you ! How dare you lie to me!? "
She approached me, throwing her hands in the air before she reached me.
" I know everything Marvin. I know about you and her ... Amy. I saw you yesterday heading to her room late at night. You're such a ..."
As she raised one of her arms, attempting to connect it to my face, in a gesture to slap me or punch me in the face, I could hold her hand in the nick of time, making her attempt fail.
" I didn't mean to hurt you believe me Carla. I didn't, it wasn't my intention. I should have told you that before, I should have told you that I was having an affair with someone."
I let her hand off as my voice turned on a more concerned and affected tone.
"With someone !? You mean with that girl, your daughter's friend if I may remind you. She's Lisa's age, for god's sake Marvin ! How could you ! How?" She shouted.
Carla did it on purpose. She came here, in my office and blow up the news and let all the personnel know about my affair with our daughter's friend.
I didn't care much about that. Still, it was my company. My employees. My reputation.
I didn't want such a thing to happen in front of everyone.
Not that I blamed Carla for doing that. She had to take her revenge after all. Making everyone despise me for cheating on my wife with a young woman.
It was TOO MUCH, though.
Fucking too much.
" Carla, calm down, just calm down. No need to raise your voice more than you're doing right now. Let me explain!"
As I attempted to hold her by the arms, she jerked her shoulder away and steps back.
" Don't touch me! You, son of a bitch ! You think that I wouldn't know ! You disgust me, Marvin. I hate you! I so fucking hate you! Fucking a girl of your daughter's age! You're a pervert or what! "
She shouts another time, before she started to hit my chest, so fiercely, with both arms.
I attempted to calm her down when the hits on my chest began to weaken progressively, before she fainted in my arms.
I held her steadily and put her on the leathery couch, which was placed on another corner of my office. Then called 911.
Carla wasn't responding to me, as I kept calling her name. Her eyes were still closed. I was terrified and started to get so worried about her. As I checked her pulse at her wrist, there was hopefully a pulse, a weak pulse, but, at least, knowing that she was still breathing made me feel so damn relieved.
Still, I felt myself so fucking guilty for causing Carla so much trouble. And I hated myself for that.
I am so fucked up.