I know this might seem absurd or nonsensical because our story was just a loveaffair, like it never existed. It was a secret, indeed; but for me, it has never been so ~ the moment I knew that Marvin had strong feelings for me; the moment I started to have feelings for him; As it was reciprocal, everything has changed to come, unfortunately, to an end. An end that both of us knew would come a day or another.
Still, my heart was aching to the point that I wished I could stop just feeling for a short while, for me to be unable to feel suffering again. It didn’t stop though, making my soul so scattered ... I squinted my eyes, and when I did, everything was more clear in my head and I knew what I had to do. I needed to go, like now, like right away; go as far as I could, away from him, away from Santa Barbara; as I couldn’t stand the whole situation.
I had to lie, pretending that I am going to visit my mom in Phoenix. Lisa would never believe me because she knows my secret, she knows I didn’t want to go to my mom’s because I would find Jim in there. But right now, I didn’t care much about how Lisa would think of me, or of my plans. I had to take a fast decision and get the hell out of Marvin’s house, Marvin’s life and of all this shit I let myself in.
Big changes needed, Amy ! the little voice in my head whispered to me.
Not to forget that I couldn’t face Carla. I couldn’t face that woman who took care of me when I was sick. I couldn’t do that. I was so ungrateful and I hated myself for that.
The next morning, I grabbed my suitcase and carried it towards the living room, where Marvin was sitting on the couch reading a newspaper. As he saw me enter the room, he raised an eyebrow at me, as he didn’t expect me to leave so early, and worried by what I was about to tell him.
" I am so sorry to tell you that, but I have to get going Mar- ” As soon as I heard Lisa’s footsteps approaching, I corrected myself “Mr. Richardson. Something’s come up.”
Lisa rushed into the room, not realizing what I was doing.
" Dad, please tell her not to go. You can’t be serious Amy, you still have a week training in Mr. Johnson’s company and then we get to be going to campus.” She turned, afterwards, to face me trying to bring me back to reason.
I am so sorry Lisa, but I just can’t stay with you. I just can’t stay no more at your father’s house, or near you father or have anything to do with your father. I need to go away, far from everything. And I can’t tell you this; I can’t tell you that I was an unfaithful friend to you because I had an affair with your dad and fell in love with him, and I could have never told you about the truth because it hurts so fucking much, and I am afraid that I could lose you one day because of what I did.
So please, let me go Lisa. Just let me go and we will meet at campus.
This is what I want to be telling Lisa, who was standing in front of me, feeling so powerless and so sad because I was leaving so early Santa Barbara.
" Lisa, sweetheart, just calm down. Let me talk to Amy.” Marvin stood up, leaving his newspaper on the couch, running his fingers nervously through his straight dark hair, then turned to me.
" Is everything okay Amy? As I know you still have one week left before Lisa and you leave for campus, so why leaving so early to Phoenix?”
Oh, really Marvin. Don’t pretend that you don’t know why I am so fucking leaving. So let me go and don’t fuck mess with me.
" I thought I could just spend more time with my mom and my little sister Lily. I just missed them a lot and I just feel like I need to go there and visit them. I’ll talk to my dad about my training. I know both of you are against my sudden decision, and I can totally understand, but I feel like I need to go to Phoenix. Plus, I want to give you some privacy, now with what is happening with Mrs. Richardson.”
I turned to look at Lisa, who seemed to be pissed.
Lisa didn’t want me to leave but I had to. I had to convince her that it was the best thing to do. She told me about her mother yesterday evening. She needed me to stay with her and needed my presence, but I preferred to leave her, leave her house.
I am so sorry, Lisa.
" Amy, please you know that you’re a part of our family now. So don’t ever mention that again. Stay here until Thursday and then you can go to your Mom by Friday and later go to campus on next Monday. Lisa needs you. I ... We all need you here Amy, so please stay.”
His blue eyes begging me, insisting on me to stay. I could feel the intensity of his words in all what he was proposing to me and I know, deep down myself that he was so sincere.
I just know it, but I had to stay strong and leave. Just grab my suitcase and my purse, put on my dark blue jeans and carry on my belongings, before giving a tight and friendly hug to Lisa, giving a firm handshake to her father, the man that I deeply love, telling them goodbye, turning on my heel, then leaving their house.
You’re a big girl, Amy, and you can do it.
And this was what I did. I felt myself lost the moment I left his house. I was lost not knowing where to go, because I wasn’t heading to Phoenix.
The moment he told me that he had to stay with her, because she had a breast cancer, I knew that it was over. I knew that I had to leave him. I knew that I had to go away and never come back.
I knew that I had to burry my love for him. I knew that it was over. As I was leaving Marvin’s house, I had two options. I could choose to go and visit my mother in Phoenix where I could stay for a few days there or I could wander by myself in Santa Barbara.
The first option was not negociable. It was impossible for me to go to Phoenix. I couldn’t go there because my step-father would surely be there. Jim would be there and I had to deal with that scenario another time. The scenario of my rape. I couldn’t allow myself to experience that episode another time. No way.
So I decided to choose option two, where I had to go to some place to spend the rest of the week. Hopefully, I still have some money, before going back to campus.
But first, I need to get these feelings turned off for today, so I headed towards a café. I bought a pack of cigarette, and chose a cozy corner in there.
As I was smoking, I started to feel myself relaxed enjoying the taste of cigarette onto my lips. Still my mind was whirling around the events, making me think about how all of this started, and unsurprisingly how all of this ended; making me blame myself for believing that what happened between Marvin and I could ever last or worth trying.
I was so damn stupid, wasn’t I?
I started to miss him and regretting that I fell in love with him.
My heart thudded harder once the melody of this song started to resonate in my ears. That song we were dancing on during an evening spent on Esperanza. A famous song by Aretha Franklin, and hearing the lyrics made me shed some tears, tears of farewell.
Farewell to you my love. Farewell to you Marvin. Farewell to you Esperanza. I was totally desperate not knowing what to do. I was thinking about where to spend those days left before going back to campus.
I’ve missed him already. I’ve missed the way he looked at me.
I’ve missed the way he kissed me. I’ve missed his words, his touches, his lips, his hair, his arms, his chest, his breath, his eyes ... the blue of his eyes.
I’ve missed him as I’ve never missed someone before, but now everything was over. I was left by myself. I decided to go somewhere else where I could be by myself. I paid the bill then left the place. I was walking in the street, absent-minded.
I was wandering, walking aimlessly when a familiar voice called over my name. A masculine familiar voice.
Not that of Marvin’s, but of someone’s else.
I raised my head and met his eyes. It was Tyler Morrison, another time. He was wearing a dark blue suit, carrying a lunch box and some files. He seemed to be heading to work.
Does this mean Tyler was working here in Santa Barbara? Was he on a training here?
I thought he was living in Phoenix. I thought he went back there.
I didn’t expect to see Tyler here.
“Amy ! Nice to see you again !” His eyes twinkled when he saw me.
I kept looking at him without saying a word. I didn’t feel myself talking right now. But when he saw my pluffy eyes, his eyes were filled up with concern.
“Is everything okay Amy? Were you crying?”
“What do you want from me, Tyler?” I said exasperated.
“I ... I didn’t mean to bother you the other day in the party. I just wanted to talk to you. It’s been a while since we didn’t see each other.”
“ Like you cared Tyler !” I said harshly.
“I care. I do care about you Amy! I knew I screwed up that night, but if you could just let me explain what really happened”
“Enough! Let me go Tyler ! I don’t have time to waste” I tried to go away, but he didn’t let me go. He stopped me right away.
“ Just give me a sec, Amy. Please. Let’s go somewhere and talk. You don’t seem well at all !”
“I am fine. Thank you. You don’t have to worry about me !”
“ No, you’re not. Come with me.” He grabbed my hand in his and started to walk towards a car, parked near a sidewalk, not far from where we were standing.
“ Where are you taking me Tyler?”
“ To my car. Look Amy. I have a short break. Let’s get inside and talk. It’s all I am asking you.”
I didn’t protest as I kept my mouth shut and didn’t say anything. Instead I nodded and followed him to his car. Even though I needed to stay alone by myself, I felt that someone else’s presence wouldn’t harm me after all. Plus, I needed to know what Tyler wanted to tell me. We got inside his car. He placed the files and his lunch box in the back seat, before turning to me, smiling.
“ Thank you Amy for accepting. Okay, before I start explaining myself to you, tell me what’s going on? Did someone hurt you? ”
Much concern in his husky voice, as he kept looking at me, checking for me.
“ I told you, I am fine, Tyler. Don’t worry about me.”
I said, looking away from him. I don’t want to shed more tears and I had to pretend that I was okay.
The thought of Marvin made me loosen myself. I could feel some tears in my eyes and even though I tried so hard to contain my feelings, I couldn’t do it any longer. I felt myself so lost without Marvin. I felt myself so lonely without him. I needed him to be beside me and comfort me, telling me how much he cared about me and how much he loved me. But he wasn’t here. He wasn’t here by my side. He was no longer here and never will be. I had to get used to his absence. I had to get used to the fact that I will not have the occasion to feel his smell again, to look deeply into his blue eyes, to touch his body, to hold him so tight toward me ... this would never happen again. Our story came to an end. I wasn’t realizing that everything was over between us until that moment. That moment when I turned to face the person looking at me, in this car: Tyler. He uttered words out of his mouth, as he started talking to me.
“ Okay, I got it. You don’t want to talk about it and I won’t insist further. Amy, look, I didn’t know that we were going to meet in that party. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you looked stunning that evening. ”
“ Thank you. What do you want from me Tyler?”
" I don’t know if it is too late, but I want you back Amy. I want you to give me another chance, to give another chance. I still care about you and that night, when you saw me with that girl, well ... she was my ex. I had to meet her because we needed to talk. I was breaking up with her. I know Amy you must really be pissed at me, and you have all the rights to feel so, but believe me, I still care about you and I want you to give us a second chance.”
As Tyler was explaining to me what really happened that cursed night, still hoping that I could forgive him and let go of what happened, like I believed what he was telling me.
During the whole time he was speaking, I didn’t know why I didn’t realize that my love story with Marvin was over the day I left his house. I should have realized that before. I should have realized that everything was over the moment he told me that he couldn’t take it anymore because of Carla’s sickness.
I did what my heart told me to do. I had to leave him and let him stay with his wife. I had to. Actually, this was predictable. This has always been the case. He would have never left his wife no matter what would have happened between us. I tried many times to convince myself that I had to put an end to our relationship, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t ... I couldn’t do it ... I wasn’t that strong young woman I thought I was. I was the weakest of all. I was incapable of doing such a thing ... leaving the man whom I loved so much. But this man was never made for me ! He was already taken.
Why was it so difficult for me to stop my feelings from growing for that man? Why was it the hardest thing to do? Why?
I was desperately thinking about everything that happened to me during the past year until now when Tyler’s voice interrupted the flow of my thoughts bringing me back to reality.
“Amy ! Are you listening to me?” He asked, a bit annoyed.
“Yes ... yes ... I am. You were saying that you regretted what happened that evening, that you had to talk to that girl, and that you wanted me to give you a second chance to prove that you still care about me ”
“ Yeah, that’s it. And that girl, she means nothing to me. She was my ex. I know that it is hard to believe me. I know that you don’t want me anymore. I can understand that it must be really hard on you--” I cut him right away.
“ It wasn’t hard for me to forget you, Tyler ! I moved on to something else, but I had never expected that you would tell me one day that you still cared about me. That’s all. ”
" So ... it means that you’re not considering being with me again”
" Did I mention something like that ?”
What are you doing Amy, for God’s sake? I don’t give a damn shit about it all. Here’s a man who wants to be with me, who wants me to give him a second chance.
Well ... why not? I mean I know, in the past he screwed up the whole thing that evening. That was a long time ago, right?
Why not reconsidering the thing for now and see what happens in a few days. I know that I was treading on thin ice, but I need to get rid of Marvin out of my mind, which seemed to be a stupid idea. But right now, this was all what came to my mind.
Get rid of Marvin by sleeping with someone else.
" I ... I don’t get it Amy. Does this mean you’re reconsidering the idea of being again with me?” He said confused.
" I can’t tell you right now. All I can promise you, is that let’s see where all this will lead us. Let’s have dinner together tonight if you’re free and talk about it.”
" A date, then.” He smiled.
" Sounds good to me. A date.” I nodded and smiled back to him.
After having dinner in a restaurant downtown, I didn’t remember how things became intimate enough to lead us to Tyler’s appartment, before landing onto his bed.
The next morning, I remembered myself waking up in his arms, naked wrapped in white sheets as we were sleeping in his bedroom.
It must be six in the morning when my eyes opened wide to find myself waking up in another man’s arms ...I mean other than Marvin’s. It felt weird to wake up again in the arms of my ex-boyfriend. The one whom I hated so much, the one whom I have never thought I would be in his arms again, the one whom I once thought I loved.
Yet I was sleeping next to him and I didn’t quite remember how got in here, I mean in his bedroom. I didn’t remember because I must have drunk more than three glasses of white wine or something. I remembered that we kissed in his car, then things happened so fast. I didn’t want to remember that I had to sleep again with the first man I fell in love with and with whom I lost my virginity.
I didn’t remember that I had to let him make love to me ... all this to try to forget about Marvin, to be able to let his love out of my chest.
I hated myself. Yes I hated myself for what I was doing, I was into the past again instead of being into the future. I had sex with my ex-boyfriend again and behaving in an uncontrollably silly manner. I was thoroughly out of my mind.
Still, despite all this, I wanted to let another man touch me and penetrate my body as to feel my body touched by another man’s hands ... other than Marvin’s.
I decided to spend the whole week with Tyler before going back to campus and not letting anyone know that I decided to stay for another week in Santa Barbara, seeing whether Tyler and I could be together or not.
It was so hard each time Tyler touched me, kissed me, fucked me, and held me in his arms. The first times were difficult for me, but after that I got used to. The most incredible thing was that each time he fucked me I was thinking of Marvin and imagining him on top of me, looking at my face as he used to do, whispering the sweetest words he used to tell me back then.
The day I was supposed to go to Phoenix, after I left Marvin’s house and before my dinner with Tyler in the evening, I headed to the office in the afternoon. I needed to talk to my father about my decision.
I didn’t like the idea that I could meet Marvin at the workplace. I didn’t like the idea to meet him again, which was probable because he usually comes to my father’s company to attend business meetings or comes to his office there for work.
How could I check if he is there or not?
Let’s suppose that Marvin is here, in the company, in his office working. Maybe he didn’t see me. Or Maybe, he did.
Either ways, I decided to focus on the way off to my father’s office, I didn’t want to look toward the reception, checking if he was around. Hopefully, Marvin was not there.
After I had a small talk with my father in his office, and told him about me going to Phoenix to spend some time at my mom’s, he was left with no choice as to accept, but on one condition. I had to finish the week, and work via skype.
As I left his office, I started to walk, rapid steps towards the elevator, turning my head from right to left and left to right, looking around as cautiously as possible when I realized that he was just walking towards me ... just few miles away from me ...
I didn’t expect to find him in front of me. I thought he wasn’t in the office, but he was there. Probably, he arrived while I was in my father's office earlier.
His eyes didn’t leave mine.
I was looking at him trying to enjoy that unexpected moment ... enjoying every second of it. He seemed to be very tired and thoughtful.
We stopped right away for a while, still staring at each other.
And Marvin decided to break the space between us as he took a step forward towards me. I blushed and felt myself defenseless with every step he was making, my hazel eyes begging him not to come closer as I shook slighlty my head as to say no.
So he stopped.
He looked at me concerned, and didn’t take his eyes off me. Neither did I.
We didn’t speak. We were just standing still staring at each other.
We didn't need to speak. Our eyes did. His blue eyes were telling me how much he missed me, while mine were telling his how much I missed him ... how much I missed the time we spent in Esperanza.
... So true ... so sad ... the truth was that I missed him more than I could have imagined. And so was he.
I didn’t know why we didn’t speak or felt the need to speak. We just needed to keep on staring at each other, enjoying thus, every second of it. After all, we didn’t have much to talk about ... after all we've been through for the last few days.
My eyes were telling him how much I've missed him and his were begging me to stay longer when Mr. Thorton called his name to inform him that the meeting is going to start in a bit.
" Thank you for informing me. I'm coming !"
His voice. His husky voice. How much I would be missing Marvin's voice. I felt my heart aching at the idea that it would probably be the last time I'd hear it.
His gaze intense still not leaving my hazel eyes. I didn't want him to go. I didn’t want him to leave me. I didn’t want to leave you, Marvin. I wish I could stay longer. I wish I told you how much I need you ... I wish I told you that you mean the world to me ...
The last thing I still remember, before Marvin closed the door of the meeting room behind him, was his blue eyes still staring at me before I turn on my heel and go away.
To be continued ...
First of all, I would like to thank you all for reading my book so far, it means a lot to me that you’ve considered giving time for following the story and getting to know more Marvin, Amy and all the characters in Esperanza.
1. So who was your favorite character in Esperanza?
2. What do you think of Marvin Richardson? Do you like his character? If yes, why? If no, why?
3. What do you think of Amy Morgan? Do you like her character? If yes, why? If no, why?
4. Did you like the way their loveaffair ended? If not, why?
5. What is the best moment you liked the most in the story?
Do not feel obligated to answer the questions mentioned above. It is just that I wanted to know more your impressions about the whole book.
So feel free, in case you feel inspired, to give a response to one of these questions :)
Second, please do write a short review about the book. I’d be thrilled to read your impressions and know how you’d rate my story. A big thanks in advance, guys.
Third, there will be a SECOND SEQUEL TO Esperanza which will be published soon: chapter by chapter throughout the weeks.
So YES! Fingers crossed !
I am so excited to be sharing with you what I’ve been preparing so far for Marvin’s and Amy’s Loveaffair.
So, if you really liked reading the first book and want to know what is coming next in the second part, all you have to do is to read --> Esperanza 2: Out of the Blue !
Last but not least, this experience of writing and publishing my story on Inkitt was simply amazing. Thank you so MUCH for reading my story Esperanza and I hope you’ll like it :)
Love you guys :)
Did you enjoy my story? Please let me know what you think by leaving a review! Thanks, Neyra BehiWrite a Review