Esperanza: When the Blue meets the Hazel

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Chapter 3

Amy

That night after making love to Tyler Morrison, I thought I was the happiest girl on earth, which actually was, for some time before the worst happened to me. I thought I had the grasp over all my dreams. I had the power to cry out my happiness to the entire world. I liked what I felt.

Me, happy. I liked what I was feeling. Me, becoming a woman. A woman who was desired for all she was, body and soul. He told me he loved me, and I believed him. I thought it was real what he felt for me. I thought he would stand by my side whatever comes worse in my life. Whatsoever would happen to me.

That night I went back home late, I thought it was midnight, and I found all the lights off which I, at first, interpreted as a good sign. I walked till the front door, searched for my keys to open it up and then I entered tiptoeing quietly ... carefully. I thought nobody was home till someone, sitting on the sofa turned on suddenly the light. I jumped out of fear and surprise at the same time, then looked at who he was. It was Jim, my step-father, sitting there ... waiting for me to come back home.

- “There you are ... finally !” he said in a sarcastic tone.I was quiet for a moment. I couldn’t utter a word. I didn’t know what to say at that particular moment. What really mattered then was all the things I had been through a few hours ago.

- “Your mom was really worried about you !”

- “I was with Tyler Morrison. I told her I was going out with him downtown.”

- “ Tyler ! Tyler Morrison ... interesting !”

For a moment, I was staring at him without knowing his intention: was he mocking me ? or was he criticizing me on the fact that I was dating his friend’s son ? or didn’t he appreciate at all the fact that Tyler and I were dating?I couldn’t know ! How could I know? Jim seemed to be upset and at the same time seemed cold. I froze. I couldn’t move, but I managed to speak.

- “Where is Mona?“- “Mona came back to the hospital. They called her for an emergency!”

- “Okay. Thanks. I’d better go to my room. Good night Jim !”

- “Wait !“I was about to go upstairs when I stopped suddenly and looked back at him.

- “I don’t want you to see Tyler Morrison again. This boy ain’t a good boy !”

- “Why are you saying that?”

- “Because I know him. That’s all.”

- “With all my due respect, you’re not my father !“, I said in a daring tone. I didn’t realize what I was saying, but I said it ... anyway. This was what I genuinely wanted to say. It was the truth !

He was surprised at me at the beginning, but then smiled and said “Yeah I know ! I am not your dad ! but I am your step-father. This is my house and I rule it the way I want. You’re in my house now and I want you to do what I want ! Do you get that?“.

I didn’t like his tone. He was somehow threatening me. At that moment, I felt fear running through my veins. I didn’t reply back. I didn’t want to. The look in his eyes made me feel so afraid of what he might do to me if I dared. So I just nodded, then went to my room.

That night I said to myself that nothing can happen to me. I was going to spend another couple of days at my mother’s. I wanted to enjoy myself a lot. I wanted to spend my time with my beloved ones. Tyler belonged to that list. I couldn’t risk losing him because of what Jim told me earlier. I was ready to take the risk and go on dating him, and as soon as I go back to university we could figure out a solution.I didn’t want to break up with the first boy with whom I was really in love. Because it seemed to me that I was. I liked Tyler a lot. He made me feel happy and crazy when I am with him.As they said when we love we need to take risks. So I was ready to take those risks as long as Tyler and I keep dating each other.

The next morning I had breakfast with my mother and her husband. She was complaining about last night, so I told her, in front of him, that everything was over with Tyler. That I had a bad night. That I didn’t want to talk about him again.She was sad to know the truth. She proposed to help me, but I refused saying that I don’t want to see him again. That was over.I thought that with what I could pretend that morning that everything would be alright. That he would believe my lie.

During all the days which followed I didn’t inform Tyler about what happened to me the other night and I was sure that my mother won’t meet Tyler’s mother for some time. I tried to go out with him in the morning and early afternoon. I was sure that Jim wouldn’t find out about our secret meetings because he was working in the hospital. Then I had a plan B. I didn’t know when Jim would come back exactly at night as for my mom, too. So I locked my room and invited Tyler through my window to come over. He climbed the wall, then knocked on my window. The window was the only way for him to come in my room. We spent the night together listening to music and making vanilla love quietly.

During those days which followed I pretended I was depressed because of my break-up with Tyler, so I didn’t let anyone in. I put on music all the evening. I locked myself in my room and I pretended I wanted to be alone.My mother was really worried about me. She tried her best to speak to me, but I had to refuse. I was so stubborn. I was obsessed with the idea that I had one week left. I wanted to spend all the days left with my lover.

Then came that day. An evening where all my world came upside down. That evening where my life was falling apart. That evening where I had to flee and never come back.

I remember seeing my mother in the morning that day. She told me she would be working all night long. She had prepared some chili corn for me for lunch. She would call me from the hospital to check up on me. She loved me. She would see me tomorrow morning.I kissed her and hugged her because I wanted so. She hugged me back. She told me that she loved me. I smiled and I didn’t say “I love you, too, Mom”. I didn’t know why I didn’t do it.

May be because I was sure to see her the next morning. It was a certainty. I thought I would see her again the following day, but I didn’t.

I didn’t because something bad happened to me that evening. Something terrible ... awful ... One hour before my Tyler would come. We would meet as usual in my room and make love all night long. That evening I wanted to put on the greenish mini dress I bought the other day from the mall. Tyler hasn’t seen me wearing it.I started preparing myself when I got a call from Tyler. I picked up the phone. I was disappointed to know that he wouldn’t come that night. He told me he was going with his family in an Italian restaurant downtown to celebrate his sister’s birthday. I knew to which restaurant he was going to go. I was sad to know we wouldn’t meet that night. I hung the phone up, put it on my desk.

I decided to go to the kitchen prepare something to eat before Jim comes back. I didn’t know when he would come back home. His schedule is pretty often changeable. I was in the kitchen preparing something to eat when I heard the door shut. Jim was back home. He greeted me. I greeted him back. I wanted to finish preparing my sandwich the sooner the safer, but he came to the kitchen, opened the fridge and grabbed a beer can.

- “What have you done today?“, he asked in calm tone.

- “Nothing ... special staying at home as usual.” I replied confidently.

- “You don’t get bored staying all days without going out !”

- “Euh ... no, actually. I’m okay.”

- “How do you feel ? I mean are you feeling yourself better after your break-up with Tyler !?”

- “You’re the last person I would talk to about my break-up with Tyler ! This is personal !”

- “Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude in your personal life. I just wanted to know how you were doing these days ! because as you may know staying all day at home will make you more depressed !”

- “I told you I like being in my room. It doesn’t bother me much !”

- ” I see that. Yeah. I get your point. You see ... Amy”

He said those words and started to come closer over me. I was looking at him petrified. I was afraid of what he was going to do to me. If he knew about me seeing Tyler, what would be his reaction?I was afraid of him. I didn’t want him to know the truth about Tyler and I.I was afraid he would know that I was lying to him and to my mother all those days for telling them that I broke up with Tyler Morrison. - “You see ... Amy. I have eyes outside the house. There are some people who told me how cute Tyler and Amy are together. They saw you in the supermarket last Wednesday.”

Crap. Holy crap. I am busted. Yeah how come I forgot that the other day we met the neighbors in the supermarket. We just said hello. We didn’t stay chatting with them. What will I do now?!

- “Last Wednesday. Ah ... yes I remember ! I went to the supermarket that day to buy some chocolate and I met Tyler there. It was a coincidence. We didn’t plan on meeting each other.”

- ” Really ! You think I am an asshole. You think I am not clever enough to grasp what you’re doing or shall I say what you have been planning all these days. What you told us, what you told Mona all this time, that you broke up with Tyler. You were sad. You wanted us to leave you alone. And what about me ! You lied to me !”

He started yelling at me. I couldn’t bear that. Nobody yells at me. Hey, you Jim. Back off.

- “Back off ! Yes I lied to you. I lied to my mother. Is that okay!?” I yelled at him, then added “I want you to leave me alone ! Can you? You’re not my father ! You’re Mona’s husband. I really like you Jim. But you’re not my father. I don’t want you to be involved in my life. I am free to date whoever I want.”

I didn’t realize that I was saying those words. My hands were shaking out of anger and terror. I was standing in front of the kitchen cupboard. He was standing in front me, looking at me with his big brown eyes.Jim was the kind of person my mother would fall in love with. He was dark-haired with big brown eyes. Good-looking man. Tall and well-shaped. I must say that he was handsome. That was the truth.

- “You don’t have a father ! You don’t even know him, do you?” he said in a provocative tone.

- “Don’t say that ! You’re being rude to me ! Apologize !”

- ” Me apologizing to you !”

It was obvious that he couldn’t not laugh at what I said, which made me feel angrier and angrier.

- “I really mean it ! don’t you dare repeat that again !”

- “It’s the truth !”

He was talking to me and getting closer and closer. I started to tremble out of fear. Then he stopped and put his hands on the cupboard entrapping me in front of him. Our faces were so close that I could feel his breath all over my face.

- “I like the way you are Amy ! You’re not like your mother !”

- “What do you mean I am not like my mother?”

- “She is submissive. You’re not !”

- “Back off Jim !” I didn’t feel at ease with him being so close to me as if he was willing to molest me. I wanted him to be far from me.

- “Try to push me away ! I won’t !”

- ” You bet !” I pushed him away, but he didn’t make a move. So I shoved him with all my energy. He took my hands and put them below my back, then blocked me in front of the cupboard another time. I was still. I was terrified. I didn’t realize what was happening to me. My step-father is trying to ... to kiss me ... to hold me ... what is he doing, exactly?

- “Oh Amy ... you’re so beautiful !”

- “What !? Jim let me go ! let me go ... please !”

- “Why are you so afraid of me ! I won’t hurt you ... Amy”

He looked at me in the eye, then came so close to let his lips on mine when I kicked him between his legs. He shouted and stepped back. It was my chance to run. Run to my room and lock myself in. My chance to save my soul. Myself. This is what I did.

Yeah, this is what I did. Unfortunately, he caught me up. I ran all over the corridor, he came back after me running. I thought I could come in my room and close the door, but he didn’t let me. He pushed the door so hard that I fell on the rug. He came in and shut the door behind him. I started screaming then. I wanted some of the neighbors to hear me scream. The problem was I put some music in my room before going to the kitchen. The music wasn’t loud. He got closer to the radio and turned on the volume higher.I was paralyzed ... petrified ... horrified. I couldn’t move an inch of my body. I couldn’t do anything. I was waiting for the worst to come...I couldn’t understand why he was doing so. Why me? I was his step-daughter. I was his Mona’s daughter.I kept screaming and crying hoping that someone could hear me, but nobody did.I was hoping that my mother would come home and save me from my misery, but she didn’t.I was hoping that Tyler would cancel his sister’s birthday and show up in my window, as he was doing all the other days, but that night, he didn’t. I was hoping many things that night ... but none of them happened.I was hoping for a miracle that night... I was hoping to be saved ...I was broken, instead.I was powerless. I was weak. I was just a pray lying on the ground waiting for her predator to consume her; devour her body; let her faint slowly.I was that girl who was lying on the ground of her bedroom, waiting for a miracle to happen at that very moment, but nothing happened.I was that girl with the greenish mini dress who thought to be free, somehow, but who actually was seeing herself being shattered into pieces.I was that girl who was about to offer herself to a guy she didn’t like at all; to a guy who was supposed to be the husband of her mother; a guy to whom she had no choice but let him do whatever he wanted with her body. At that very moment, everything went so fast. I was screaming so loud that my voice went void because of my shouting. I had tears all over my face because my ending was coming. I was weeping and I was struggling out ofdespair and powerlessness.I was a strong girl. How come I was about to let him win? How come I was going to be abused? I couldn’t let that happen to me. I couldn’t. I had to do something. I had to react.

My body was shaking violently. He was on top of me putting off his jeans and unbuckling his belt.

I was trying to save myself, my soul ... my body because now, I knew what he would do to me. He was about to rape me. He was about to steal my soul out of my body. I was about to be consumed body and soul unwillingly.I wasn’t prepared to let that happen to me.

“Please .... no .... Jim no ... let me go .... don’t do that ... let me go ... no ... let go of me ... please no ...”

These were my words, the only words I could pronounce with my broken voice. But Jim was so fierce, monopolizing the space over me. He took control of my body as he wanted. He spread my legs and let himself into my body. I didn’t stop crying all along the sexual intercourse. I tried to close my eyes in order not to see his face, but I felt his hands all over my face while he was riding on top of me. I turned my head to the other side. I shouldn’t have done that. I saw myself in the mirror lying on the ground. He was on top of me. He was half naked. He was fucking me. He seemed to enjoy that a lot.

First, I looked at my body which, for me, was inanimate. As if I was within a dead body lying on the floor waiting for the reaper to take myself away .After that my eyes went to his direction:

I saw him on me, into me with his hands on my thighs, his body was swaying gently, he was coming in and out of me. Seeing that made me realize how foolish I was, how meaningless I was and how miserable I was. I hated myself. I will hate it for the rest of my life. I was being consumed by this man without my consent. I was being raped and I couldn’t do anything to stop him.I had the impression that my body was like a vessel to give him pleasure. Surely, it was. He seemed to enjoy himself. The intercourse didn’t last for a long time. I was motionless and I didn’t feel anything. No pleasure. No orgasm. All I felt and all I can remember was him onto me and into me, riding my body at his own pace. All I can remember was when he detached himself from me and ejaculated on my belly after having penetrated me for a couple of minutes. He ended that with an intense moaning sound. Then, he looked at me and said ” Amy ... I am so sorry ... but I couldn’t resist you more ... you make me crazy ! I don’t know what happened to me Amy... sorry !”

He stood up, grabbed his belongings, and left my room without looking back at me.The door was closed. The room was animated by the sound of music. I was lying on the floor, motionless. My legs were spread. I was looking at myself in the mirror ... shocked ... speechless. I stayed for about twenty minutes without moving my body. I was at that position without any reaction. I couldn’t react. I was shocked by what had just happened to me.I didn’t realize that I had been raped by my step-father. I didn’t realize that a man, other than the one I loved, invited himself to my intimate world without my permission. He stole my soul. He destroyed myself.

I was looking at myself into the mirror when I felt my fingers moving slowly as if I was reanimated. Life seemed to come over my body again. I started to move carefully my fingers, my toes, my legs, and then I stood up on my feet.I couldn’t take my eyes off my body in the mirror. I looked at all the parts of my body. I was shivering. I stood up and came closer to the mirror.

I noticed that my greenish mini-dress, the one I bought the other day from the mall, was torn. It looked awful on me. It wasn’t beautiful anymore. It wasn’t as beautiful as the other day when I bought it from the store. I felt the need to put it off and started to do it without controlling myself. I was tearing the other parts of the dress. I wanted it off me as soon as I could. The dress fell finally on the floor. I opened the closet, grabbed a towel, then headed to my bathroom to shower. I was so messy. I was so filthy. I didn’t feel myself anymore. I stood up showering while I was crying. I needed to feel water all over my body. I needed the sensation of water on every inch of my body. I needed water to purify my body from what had just happened to me. I needed to feel water all over my face. I didn’t feel the same that night. Something’s changed in me. He took my soul. He dispossessed me of my being. He stole my soul.

I became soulless.

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