Esperanza: When the Blue meets the Hazel

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Chapter 5


... and I knew what to do after what happened to me that horrible night. I knew what to do. It was clear for me that I wouldn’t spend any other minute in that house. I needed to flee, to run away ... I needed to go away ... far from Phoenix ... far from him ... far from my mother ... far from that girl who few hours earlier was raped by her step-father. I needed to breathe some fresh air.I remember that I had to pack and decide to go out that night. I wanted to escape from that prison. I couldn’t spend more time in my room.

That room which used to be a shelter for me, turned now into hell.The house was a few miles away from me. I was relieved to know that he wasn’t home. He should have left after what he did to me. He should have felt ashamed of himself or may be should have regretted what he did to me. What I knew is that, that night was a true nightmare for me, it never ended. I despised myself. I felt so filthy ... felt so lost ... so shallow ... so empty.

I ran in the streets ... I ran as I didn’t run before. I needed to run to feel the breeze in my hair. I wanted to run to feel myself alive.I wanted to run to embrace a new day. Yet that day didn’t come to an end.The first place I went to was the hospital where my mother worked. I wanted to see her. I thought at that time that it was the perfect thing to do. The perfect thing to do was to tell her the truth.This is what I thought that day.I arrived at Kindred Hospital, headed to the reception in the ER and asked for Dr. Mona Morgan. I told her that I was her daughter and that I needed to see her. That it was an emergency. The nurses noticed that I was not feeling good at all. They asked me if I needed to be taken care of, but I told them I was okay.

I needed to see my mother. I needed to tell her the truth. I needed to be saved. I needed her to protect me against what he did to me a few hours earlier. I was feeling so bad. So lost. So ... void. I felt I was invaluable. I needed to know that my mom will be there for me no matter what happens. I needed her love and her protection.I was waiting in the reception, where suddenly I saw the devil himself walking in. I hid my face and went to another corner so as not to be seen by him. I didn’t want him to see me.

I was afraid of him. He came back to the hospital probably to check up on my mother or to see if I dared to come to see her. I didn’t know the reason why he came. I was so terrified by his presence that I couldn’t look at his direction. I prayed God to keep me safe. It was hard for me to see the man who raped me a few miles from where I was standing.I couldn’t risk being there anymore. I thought maybe the nurses could tell him that I came a few minutes earlier and that I was searching for Dr. Morgan. I couldn’t risk myself being near that guy. I need to go out of the hospital as soon as I could.Hopefully, he didn’t see me around and I managed finally to get out and go somewhere else.Unfortunately, I couldn’t meet my mother. I needed to see her, even for the last time.

At that time, I had hazy thoughts about what was about to occur in the near future. I didn’t know if I could ever see my mother again. I didn’t know anything.

All I knew was to go away, far ... so far from Phoenix. I had some cash on me. I could make all the way back to Summerland in California. I needed to go back to my hometown. I was outside, in the streets, wandering, walking and whining my misery. It was night. It was dark. I could listen to the cars, people walking, and to my footsteps. I was walking aimless ... not knowing what to do ... when I was overwhelmed by a glimmer of hope ... what if I turn back to Tyler. I needed him so much. I was sure he could help me.

I was sure he could protect me. No doubt.I was walking for about less than an hour. I tried to reach him, but nothing. I called him many times, but he didn’t pick up.I started to worry about him.

I kept walking. Walking was the only remedy to feel myself alive. I needed to walk to know that I am still alive ... that I am still able to breathe and hope for a better future ... I wanted to keep walking as a way to go on with my life. I didn’t want to stop walking that night. It was a cool night. I needed to breathe some fresh air.I remember that I was walking in the street looking on the right, on the left without knowing the real reason for that when I perceived his face. I recognized him. He was there sitting on a table in a restaurant. I was happy to see a familiar face. I was happy to find him at last.I came closer to the window to check if it was really Tyler when I saw a young lady sitting next to him. He was holding her hand. They seemed to be enjoying their time. They seemed to be in love.

I was heartbroken and felt myself falling into a well of misfortune. Everything that day didn’t work the way I wanted it to be. I hated what I felt then. I was so bad that I thought I couldn’t feel anymore. I thought I was about to faint ... to die ... to disappear ... to blow out ...

I stood still looking at them in disbelief. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing that night. He lied to me all that time, he lied to me when he told me that I was beautiful, that he cared about me, that he felt amazingly good when he was with me, that he loved me, that he needed me, that I was so special for him.Yes I am an idiot. I was a fool for believing every word he said to me, every word he promised me, everything we could share together ... because our story was merely a fake one.I thought I was living something special with that guy, but actually I wasn’t ... we weren’t. We had never been. I misunderstood his intentions. I was so foolish, so stupid. That night I couldn’t not come in the restaurant and go and talk to him. I wanted him to realize that I am here. I am not a girl on whom he could cheat. I am not that kind of girl who may seem to be foolish or silly. No, I was a clever girl. The type of girl who really needed to be loved sincerely by a man in her life. To be surrounded by tenderness, devotion and love.I felt the need to go into that restaurant and to tell him all the things I wanted him to know.I was not that girl with whom he could play. I deserved to be treated correctly. I deserved respect.I was seeing myself in slow motion entering the restaurant ... heading to their table. He was surprised to see me in front of him. Me being so upset. Me starting to yell at him in front of everyone. Me feeling so strong.

I was feeling so strong that I slapped him. He didn’t realize what was happening to him.I could hear my inner voice whispering to me what I had to do; that I was a strong woman ... yes, a woman. I started feeling myself again ... but suddenly all the scene came again into my mind. That scene didn’t leave my mind for a second. I was still traumatized and couldn’t do anything , instead what I did was to leave ...

So I left the restaurant and started to run again ... run ... run ... to escape what I endured that day.

Run, Amy. Run. Don’t look back.

I could rest for a while on a bench. I woke up and started looking around. I was at the airport, in Phoenix. I remembered that I just bought a ticket for Santa Barbara one hour ago. I needed to go and see my friend Lisa. She was my only hope. I decided to call her just to inform her that I was coming.The months which followed that night were terrible. I had nightmares, dreaming of Jim trying to kill me. Sometimes, I dreamt of the very scene where he forced me to do things I didn’t want to. Lisa was the only friend with whom I could share my story. She was the only one to know about what happened to me.She tried to convince me to sue him, but I couldn’t do that.I couldn’t do that not for fear of experiencing that night again when I would be asked to recall what this man did to me, I knew that I had to speak about the details and I felt powerless ...

and there was someone very special to me, that I didn’t want her to suffer because of what Jim did to me .... I couldn’t do it for my mother.

She called me the following day telling me that she tried to reach me the whole night, but in vain. I had to lie to her. I couldn’t tell her the truth because she seemed to be happy on the phone that day, sharing the big news of her pregnancy with her daughter.I couldn’t tell her that her husband raped her daughter in her room while she was working. I couldn’t tell her because she was going to give birth to another child. I couldn’t tell her because I was going to have a little sister in a few months. Yes ... I was going to have a sister to whom I will have to lie all my life about what her father did to me one night. I had to get myself prepared to hide the truth from both my mom and my sister.And for that, I had to be strong ... strong enough to face what is coming in the future days.

A year has passed ... a year where I have tried so hard, with the help of Lisa, to move on and learn again to enjoy life. To try to come over what happened to me. To try to forget what Tyler and Jim did to me and made me feel ... I could rent a studio in Summerland with two other girls. We shared the rent. I could study and work at the same time. I had a part-time job in my grand-parents’ bakery. The bakery was sold to one of our neighbors. It always felt good to go back to your roots and be again on the traces of your tutors.

A year has passed without visiting my mother. I haven’t seen her for a year. She missed me so much. So did I.I missed the birth of my sister Lily. I couldn’t go to Phoenix again and I had to pretend to my mom that I was working hard the whole year. I couldn’t come to visit. I wanted so hard to go visit her and meet Lily. I needed to hold my little sister in my arms. Twenty years separated me from my sister. A big gap, but it’s worth it. I had already loved her before seeing her in front of me.

The summer that followed I was selected among others to work as a trainee in a big company, in Santa Barbara. I was in the Accounting Department in Philip Johnson’s company. He was a friend and a business partner of Lisa’s father: Mr. Marvin Richardson.It took me more than six months to get over Tyler Morrison. What we had lived together. Our summer love story. It was hard for me to forget the one with whom I made love for the first time in my life. I thought it was the one. I thought he would love me forever, but I was mistaken.I couldn’t forget what happened to me with ... with that man with whom my mother was in love. How could I forget that ? How could I ?Of course, I couldn’t. I couldn’t forget the smell of his skin on mine.I couldn’t forget the touch of his hands on my body. I couldn’t forget the look of his eyes on mine while I was lying under him, imprisoned beneath his heavy body.How could I forget what he did to me that horrible night? It is unforgettable to get rid of it out of my mind.I still remember all the details. I still remember everything. I am still disappointed.I cannot believe that I was his prey ; that he enjoyed fucking me the way he wanted ; that he was monopolizing my feeble body ; that he was the master that day ... and I was the slave. I was an enslaved woman. I was powerless. I was ... his that day.But today, now is another day. It’s been already one year and I haven’t seen him since that unforgettable day. I sacrificed myself for my mother. I couldn’t tell her because I knew that she would be miserable without him. She was going to have another baby. And I couldn’t tell her that the father of her child was and is the rapper of her own daughter. I know I should have told her such a secret, but I couldn’t tell her. I was a loser. Definitely.Lisa will be the only person to know that. That was my will. It was so.Lisa was a good friend to me, as was her family. They accepted to welcome me for a month in their house. I couldn’t afford to make every day all the way from Summerland. In Santa Barbara, life is very expensive.I had to accept and didn’t have another choice. Except that I didn’t expect myself to fall for him. It was unthinkable for me to realize it at first, but with the days it was becoming clearer and clearer that he might like me the way I liked him.I had almost everything I needed, but I wanted him. Yes, I wanted him. I wanted the one who was forbidden to have. He was forbidden for me because we didn’t belong to the same world.I could have the guy who seemed really to like me that summer. He was Jason’s best friend, Kyle. But I thought I could use him to make the other jealous of him; to know if he really liked me or not; I wanted to provoke him so that he came to me by his own will. This was what really happened. It was a bad ... a very bad idea though.That man was my friend’s father. That man was one of the wealthiest men in Santa Barbara. He owned many companies around the United States. He was married with three children. He had a gorgeous woman. He was, for me, the happiest man on earth. Actually, he wasn’t. He seemed to be happy in his marriage. He seemed to be joyful when he was surrounded by family and friends. In reality, he was, but not fully.There was something in his eyes that told me the opposite. There was something in his eyes that revealed his need of me. His need of me. His desire for me. That man desired me and it took me some time to realize that a man of that age could turn to a girl of my age. He was in his late forties and I was twenty. We were coming from two different worlds. We were not meant to be together. We were not allowed to flirt with each other. We were not meant to live moments together. Because it was forbidden, illogical, senseless, insane, impossible ....But life gave us a chance to live what we had to live for some time.I couldn’t believe that I was falling for that man. He could be my father’s age. I would never forget how he looked like the first day I met him. He was sitting in the garden having breakfast with his son and his friends. I liked how he looked. He was hot for his age: dark brown hair, blue eyes and a nice beard. He had a soft look. He seemed to be a nice person. He seemed to be in his late forties.He was an attractive man. It seemed to me that even Tiffany, Zoe’s sister, fell for him, which made me feel uncomfortable somehow.I really liked and felt the need to look at that man. I felt a sense of relief whenever he looked at me. I felt he liked me somehow. But I soon realized that I had to stop. Yes, I had to stop because he was married ; because he was Lisa’s father ; he was not the right man for me. I couldn’t allow myself to sink. I had to control my emotions and the way I was attracted to him. The only thing I found to occupy myself into something else was Kyle. Kyle was a guy older than me. He was twenty-five. He seemed to be driven by me. He liked me and from the first day we met, he showed his interest to me. He wanted to go on a date with me. I had to keep him wait for some time. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid of being with another man after what happened to me a year ago.He came to Lisa’s house and we hang out together whenever we had time. I liked being with him. He seemed to be nice. But I felt myself more as his friend rather than his girlfriend.

As the days went by, I felt that Mr. Richardson looked at me differently. He seemed like being attracted to me. He didn’t show his interest, but I felt it. This was the way I felt, too. I couldn’t admit it. It was a dangerous game.His wife, Mrs. Carla Richardson, was being nice to me. I couldn’t steal a man’s wife. That was not ethical at all. He was my friend’s father.How come have I these dirty thoughts about him?I tried at first to ignore what I felt for him. Being attracted to that man should be only a feeling and not more than that.What happened was the worst. With the days passing by, that man was my target. I wanted to reach him. I wanted to go and kiss him. I desired him so badly that I couldn’t retain myself of feeling jealous each time his wife kisses him or hold his hand. It made me feel very uncomfortable and he knew it. Yes I knew deep down that he knew it. I had to hide it. I had to hide my attraction to him, but it was so difficult.

I didn’t know what was happening to me at that period. I was thinking that maybe it was so because he was older than me. He was different from all the guys I dated. He was powerful and wealthy. All women tend to like charismatic and rich men. Maybe because of that.I couldn’t find an answer to my enquiries. I was getting frustrated every day, especially at night when they leave us to go upstairs to their bedroom. Lisa, Kyle, Jason, Zoe, Tiffany and I were sitting by the pool. The whole time we were there, I kept looking at that balcony hoping he would come out and have a look at me.I was hoping he would see me wearing my red bikini. Nothing of that happened. I don’t know. I’ve never seen him much around at night.I would imagine him making love to his wife the whole night and I wish I were her. I wish I were in his arms. I wish he would look at me deeply in the eye and love me all night long.What was surprising was the feelings I had for that man. I was attracted to him at first. Then, I got more attracted because of the way he looked at me to desire him at a later stage.I sometimes dreamt of him kissing me. That was pure imagination. I wanted him so badly. I wanted to be just for once kissed by Mr. Marvin Richardson. That was my dream. I wanted to feel the taste of his lips on mine.I got more and more frustrated with time, each time I saw him with his wife, I was becoming more jealous of her. So I decided to try to move on to something else since I couldn’t get him. I couldn’t get that man and I would never do. He was not available and I had to respect his personal life.I had to put limits to myself. It was not good what I was doing.Kyle was the solution for me. He was a nice guy who wanted to date me. And he popped up the question whether I wanted to become his girlfriend or not, and I said yes. Lisa was happy for me because it proved that I moved on to something else after what I had to go through last year.I needed another man to approach me. I needed to allow another man to touch my body. And he did. I let him make love to me one night in the pool. That night, everyone was sleeping. Jason and Zoe were on their way to New Port Beach. Tiffany and Lisa were upstairs watching a movie. Mr. and Mrs. Richardson were sleeping. It was late at night. I couldn’t miss that chance. Neither did he.We were swimming in the pool. He was splashing me and I decided to splash him as well, so he grabbed my arm and pulled me over him. I crossed my legs over his waist, and my arms over his neck. We started to kiss ... then I felt he wanted more than a kiss. I was making him getting hotter and hotter. He came closer to the rectangular corner of the swimming pool. I was as excited as he was. I let my hand go under his swimming shorts and so did he.For a moment, I felt somehow a little bit destabilized because I was afraid a little bit of the way he would make love to me. So I stepped back a little. I haven’t had sex with another man since the horrible episode in Phoenix with my step-father.He looked at me and said “don’t be afraid Amy ... Let me love you ...“.

- “I want it, too. It’s just ...”

- “What ?”

- “It’s been a long time ...”

- “I really want you ... baby” he said coming closer to my ear.
I was feeling all my body getting hotter and hotter. I couldn’t let myself not to love him and let him not to make love to me. I wanted the same thing as him. I was lost in my thoughts when I saw a masculine silhouette passing by in the living room and then stopped suddenly. He was Mr. Richardson. He couldn’t be someone else. Jason was not home that night. Neither did George.I closed my eyes when I knew he was about to see us in the pool. I was sure he was about to see us. An idea came to my mind.I wanted him to see me being fucked by another man. I wanted him to see me enjoying myself while making love. I wanted him to see another man, other than him, touching my body and penetrating me. I don’t really know why I had such ideas the moment I saw Mr.Richardson in the other side of the bay window. I came closer to Kyle and whispered in his ear “Love me Kyle. I want you.”

The idea of being observed by Marvin Richardson made me feel playful. I wanted him to keep looking at me while another man was fucking me. I was sure he would come to protect me whatever might happen to me.When Kyle was into me, I was feeling myself higher and higher. The more he came into me, the more I was moaning. It felt so weird at the beginning. I didn’t have any sexual intercourse after what Jim did to me. So having Kyle inside of me was giving myself another chance to be loved by another man.I needed another man to touch me. To fuck me. To love me. To look at my body. To desire me. To have me for his own.Having Mr. Richardson observing me while I was being fucked by another man was insanely weird yet incredibly pleasant to me. It was my goal. I wanted him to feel jealous. I wanted him to desire me more and more as long as he couldn’t have me for himself. I wanted him to feel the need to come and catch me.This was what I deeply wanted. I was sure he would do it someday. Surely, he would. His eyes told me so.

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