I sit here alone at my desk and let a gentle sigh escape my lips. I wonder how I should start this. I could just make up a bullshit tale of love and romance and being swept off their feet from the hands of their lover, but let us face it that tale is told a thousand times over. I will let you take what you will with this one, this could be a real story or very much just another made up mess. In the end either way I will never confirm so here goes.
2014 was the year of change for me. I was making my dreams happen. I had two goals for the New Year, one to become a published author and two to become a mother. The first of my goals happened. The feeling of accomplishment when I published my first book was an ultimate high. It was freeing and empowering in knowing that I could actually do it and it was even more amazing to see that the book was selling. As I write this, I am an author but the second of my goals is still a work in progress. It was a hard truth to swallow. I don’t think anyone can say that they enjoy failing and especially at something that should be easy and natural. It was harder than I could have ever imagined. I would go through a series of emotions, experiencing the feelings of hope, possibility and anticipation that it could work and then the utter disappointment, sadness and regret of getting your hopes up in the first place the moment it was known that it didn’t work.
I know that not everything in life comes easy and this was not the end of the story. It was the beginning. I had no way of seeing this one coming or even preparing for it. Everything that I thought I knew and that I loved would soon come into question. I am not a bad person, but I believe after you read this some of you will hate me for what I did.
My name is Jordan Connor. I am thirty-one years old and have been married for coming up on seven years to Josh. We have good careers, a nice house and two cars. To everyone we lead a normal happy life. We laugh together, play together, make love twice a week and have no major worries to throw our world out of balance. Sure, we fight, every couple does and it would be weird if we didn’t. As I write these words out here at my desk, it brings my life into perspective that I have done well for myself so far. It seems like a list of accomplishments as I re-read the words and I should be happy and thankful.
When I married, I knew that starting a family would be difficult. Josh has had a bad hand dealt to him in terms of health and to make a long story short he will never father a child. At the time being a twenty-four year old that was completely in love with her husband to be I had no problem with it. I wanted to enjoy my twenties, focus on myself, my friends, this marriage, and concentrate on getting myself established into a great career before even contemplating bringing a child into the mix. The plan was at thirty, I would seek medical help in order get pregnant.
Thirty came and went and I never so much as tried. Back then, Josh had lost his job and we ran out of money. It was crushing to put the plan on hold indefinitely but we needed to wait. Therefore, in the time being I did the things that helped cheer my spirits, I spent time with my mom and dad, spent the weekends at camp with the extended family and did a lot of reading at the beach.Back then, I had been thinking about it, writing a story, why not, I thought. I had nothing to lose, I could write a better story than the peace of garbage that is on my bedside table that I am reading now, and so my first attempt at writing began and this newfound hobby started a chain of events.