July 2014 was the most nerve racking month of my life. Finally, my fertility treatment, which also known as IUI, it stands for Intrauterine Insemination, the procedure was happening soon. I was going in for my appointment this month. Josh and I could not conceive and I had to resort to using donor sperm. We paid for the procedure ahead of time, the donor picked and we shared the news with our family and close friends. My feelings and nerves were all over the place. It was a combination of being over the top excited, happy, nervous and ready to start the next chapter.
Both Josh and I drove an hour to the doctor’s office in the city on a warm July morning to undergo the procedure. It is a simple procedure, you lie on a table and the nurse comes in with the vial full of donor sperm. She puts it into some sort of elongated syringe, but instead of a needle, it is a long thin tube that goes into the uterus so that the sperm is placed as close to the egg as possible, sounds yummy right? The procedure takes no more than fifteen minutes and most of the time is spent just lying on the table.
To be completely honest with you, it is an awkward procedure, you take something as intimate as lovemaking and it is turned into an uncomfortable encounter at the doctor’s office. I lay still on the table for moments after the nurse removed the instruments from me. My stomach cramped a little and I was cold with only being fully clothed from the waste up and only having a thin sheet wrapped around my lower half. The nurse left the room for a few moments as Josh and I waited for the time to pass before it was safe for me to get up. Josh held my hand the entire time. My nerves were all over the place, happy, shy and scared all at once, as I stared at the second hand of the clock making the faint ticking sound on the wall across from the table.
We waited two weeks for the result and I was to go back into the doctor’s office to find out if I was pregnant. The thing is I started my period just days before the appointment and I lost my cool and completely broke down, and with it, I also lost that strength and spark that I had.
The morning that I knew that it didn't work, I crept out of bed, clueless to what I was about to discover. In that moment, I felt good, happy and I had to pee so I headed to the washroom. As I wiped, that is when I knew. No, this can't be happening, I sat on the toilet in shock at my unsuspecting discovery, minutes go by and it sinks in. How could you be so stupid Jordan, I got myself excited for nothing, nothing. A tear runs down my cheek and I can't handle it. I wasn't prepared to be disappointed. Minutes go by and I urge myself, okay I can't just sit here, I need to get up. I wash up and head to my room, I can't face Josh; I can't. I crawl into my king size bed and start to sob uncontrollably, god I wanted this so bad. What do I tell him, what do I tell my parents and his?
Josh is an early riser and had been up and doing stuff around the house. He must have heard that I was up and comes into the bedroom moments later, "Hey I was waiting for you downstairs what’s..." He sees my face. "What's wrong?"
"It didn't work." I look up from the pillow. It is hard to breathe let alone get the words out.
“What do you mean; are you sure?" He takes a seat on the bed next to me.
I whimper, "Josh it's too heavy to mistake it for something else, it didn't work." Saying it over again doesn’t help my state and I breakdown again and curl up into a ball.
Josh does what any man with a heart does; he stays and holds me. "Jordan it will happen. At least you know now and at least it never was; it would be harder I think if you had actually lost a child." His blue eyes show concern and regret as they look into mine and he gently rubs my back.
"I know" is all I can say but his speech doesn't stop the tears rolling down my face. He stays with me for a while but it is of no use.
After some time Josh with caution in his voice eventually says. "Jordan I need to head into work, you can either stay here, and be upset over something that never happened or you can get dressed and make something of your day. It will happen." He stops rubbing my shoulder and gets off the bed to get ready.
In between sobs I say, "I know, I just need to get this out of my system and I’ll be fine."
It was hard in the beginning, telling my family and close friends that it had not worked. I got the encouraging speeches; the, it will work next time speeches etc. Hours turned to days, which turned into a couple of weeks, and I got through it by focusing on my writing. I got back to promoting myself as an author and getting myself in a state to try again in a month or two.At some point, before the weekend Mom and Dad invite me up to camp and I accept their invitation. I could use a break, besides Josh will be working, and I would rather not stay home alone. I look forward to seeing my mom and dad and spending the weekend up at the river.