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Confessions of a Philophobic Hopeless Romantic

By Wamakai All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Romance

Chapter 1

"I can't believe it's happening! It's finally here! Just think, in like... three hours! Is it really three hours? I'll be married in three hours!"

Alice Kamau has been running around like a headless chicken for the last six months trying to get her wedding together. As her best friend, I have naturally elected to help her with whatever it is she needs. It's the last steps to the wedding and she seemed alright... up until two hours ago when her mother came to wake us so we could get ready.

Her older sister, Hope, watches on and smiles serenely in that special big-sister way and rolls her eyes at me. She knows what it's like to have those jitters but she's very happy for her sister. Thankfully, she's the Maid of Honour and not me. I'd be just as frazzled as Alice if that was the case.

"Oh my God! I'm going to be late, aren't I? What if someone says they object to the wedding? Oh my God, Oh my God! I think I'll just die if that happens. I mean, what if the church burns down? Or something happens to the priest?"

I cross my arms and shake my head.

"Maybe a lemon-cart will fall in front of the president's entourage forcing everything to a standstill and cause a massive traffic jam from here to Nakuru." Alice manages a smile at that.

"Or maybe it will hail and a large one will fall on the pope's head forcing every clergyman to postpone all services on account of emotional distress," says Hope stepping in.

"Or a meteor could hit the earth and we could all die in like... three minutes!" I can't help but add."Or, I could be heading into a cage of hungry lions to feed them..." chimes in Alice, now jovial as I have always known her to be.

"Or everything could go just fine. Better than fine. This is your big day Lulu," says Hope kissing her sister's cheek and giving her a squeeze, "it's going to be fine."

Alice beams at her and then turns her glassy-eyed gaze to me.

"You're right. David will be at the altar waiting for me. In three hours, I will be Mrs. David Faulu and nothing is going to stop me... save divine intervention."

"We've all said our prayers Alice. Relax."

"Easy for you to say," she says with a chuckle.

This has been the trend for the last few days. First she's happy, then she's sad, then she's scared, then she's frustrated that things don't work out and then she's eager to get this wedding over with.

I for one am glad I'm not the one standing up there.

I love romance as much as the next hopeless romantic. I love watching people fall in love and find their happily-ever-after. I love the idea of a love that lasts forever. I gush at all those mushy movies and I cry every time the hero and heroine finally find each other and then he gives cute little speech and then goes down on one knee... it's pure magic every time.

Until it happens to me.

The last time I had to contend with a potential love-interest is one of the most cringe-worthy moments I have ever had to face. Note, one of.

James was a great guy. He was sweet and he was cute. He was raised well which you could see by the gentlemanly way he acted towards everyone. Even outright jerks like my workmate, Kevin, were no match for his awesomeness.

And then he had to go and ask me out.

I have never been more embarrassed by anything in my life... almost. And I am the queen of embarrassing moments in my circle of friends. That particular experience has basically guaranteed that I will never see him again.

Poor guy.

To be fair, he did have a bit of a temper. I only threw up on him a little... and I might have said some awful things before that that I don't remember on account of my being drunk at the time.

Okay, yes, I had been drinking rather heavily. I had it on good authority that liquid courage was good for such situations. Leave it to me to be that awkward drunk woman in the middle of the day while following this sage advice. And I had been all too sober of the fact that our meeting was imminent.

At least he had the decency to drop me off at my place. Needless to say we have never met again. I don't think that's such a big loss given the situation. It's something we could laugh about but not, you know, with each other. Alice still won't let me live it down.

That is a sneak-peek into my romantic life. It is barren and riddled with pitfalls. I don't dare to venture there if I can help it at all.

Of course, I do envy girls like Alice who get her Prince Charming and get to do all those fun things that go along with being truly, madly, deeply in love with someone. I'm not even sure that's possible...

A car-horn beeps from somewhere outside Alice's window and she dashes over to it. Introspection time over.

"It's my dress! And I think that's the hairdresser. It's almost time! Wah, I can't wait!"

She does a silly little happy dance and runs out of the room to greet her guests.

I truly am happy for Alice and I wish her well. David is an amazing guy and I just know they'll be happy together. I may not have my Prince Charming and the thought of even meeting him may make me want to throw up, I'm so nervous, but as long as I can live vicariously through my friends, that's good enough for me.
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