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Chapter 10- I Hate To Want You


I slammed the ball hard on my wall. Continuously. And when that wasn’t enough, I used my fist to punch the hard bricks. My hands begun to swell.

I am a weak man. Only weak men don’t have the ability to apologize in public. I heard my mom said that to my dad one day. It never left my thoughts.

Only weak men allow their egos to control their lives. That is me. A weak man.

I was supposed to apologize to Jasmine today. I tried. The words just couldn’t come out of my mouth.

I tried, but J’son ruined everything for me. And instead of a public apology, he insulted Jasmine.

The whole school would laugh at me if I’m even seen hanging with her, much more, apologizing to her.

But she’s all that I’ve been thinking of over the past couple of days.

Jasmine was a smart, decent girl. Well-behaved. Kept to herself. Very quiet, but observant, as well.

And although I was never attracted to weighty girls, when she placed her head on my chest that afternoon, I felt something. It was like a peaceful presence. What us guys would call a “chill spot.”

I couldn’t admit that to the fellas of course, but I felt something that day.

It felt like a moment I’d never had before. A genuine and lovely moment.

I don’t love women. Well, I’d never really experienced that love before.

The one that mom and dad talk about. So, I don’t know what love really is in that sense, but what I felt was “different.” A different vibe. Not the usual one.

It’s a shameful thing for me to admit, but women look at me like some kind of pleasure pill.

They swallow me up, and once they get that high, they rest until they need another dosage.

It was never about doing anything genuinely intimate. It was purely physical. And in all the girls that I’d been with before. And believe me, there were many, none of it amounted to that brief moment that I’d had with Jasmine.

But I had to agree with what the boys were saying about her and let it sink in that she’s out of my league.

My heart is saying one thing, but my actions must show that I am VAUGHN. The great and mighty VAUGHN. The man who gets what he wants. The man who has to be the leader of his team. The rich boy who only dates Coca-Cola bottle-shaped women with long hair.

I better get that into my thick head. I am VAUGHN. And no woman should get under my skin without my consent. And clearly, I did not consent to those feelings that I am having for Jasmine. This is why it’s over from today.

I’d already apologized to her. I’d even lowered my standards and gone to her home. What else does she want? To hell with Jasmine!!!!!!

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