My period was late. Not by much, only a week, but it made me nervous. Fucking urban legend! Both angry and scared, I tried to tell myself my lack of menstruation was due to my cycle being off-kilter after stopping the pill, or maybe the stress of me looking for a job and then having to tell my father I wouldn’t be working for him. It could be the stress of running after the twins, although in all fairness, Chelsea didn’t need me as much since Brandt handed over responsibility for the show to Ryder.
There was always an excuse, but I knew. Deep down I knew I was pregnant.
My boobs hurt and my emotional stability was in question. When Chelsea had tears in her eyes, remarking to me she could feel the baby move, I broke down and cried with her. She thought it was just me being happy for her, but really it hurt to think about what I was contemplating when it came to Logan’s baby.
My news made it hard to be around Logan. Where I used to run errands with him I now gave him an excuse to stay back, and he could sense my detachment. Ashamed at how I had been acting, I knew he didn’t deserve it. He had been nothing but a great guy toward me so acting like a bitch to him seemed wrong, but I needed time to process this.
Logan always wanted children where I never felt I could raise them effectively. Grant it, my time with the twins softened me in that realm but it was so much different than having to raise a child on my own. Would it be on my own? Would Logan help? Of course he would. He would never push me away if he knew I was pregnant. He would move heaven and earth to do the right thing and be by me the whole time, but it would be at the cost of his career.
If I kept the child, it would be hard on us. Our relationship would suffer. Yes, I wanted him. I wanted to be selfish and keep him all to myself. Live a life with him but at what cost? He was going into the army.
Could he get out of it? He left in three days, signing a binding contract with the U.S. government and I didn’t think he could back out once he committed. What did it mean for me? Would he ask me to follow him? Of course, military personnel had spouses. Would we be required to get married?
Marriage. Baby. Army life. I felt too young for any of it.
But what did I want out of my life? I thought I had finally figured it out after letting the job at Sundown slip through my fingers, but I was really looking at Boeing being the next best thing. If Boeing fell through, there were other jobs. None of these jobs would work though if I had a child to support. I wouldn’t be able to travel and starting out, the pay might not be enough to support two people.
Could I get rid of it? Go to a clinic and get it taken care of? Logan would never let me, this I knew, so I really needed to figure out in my own head what my next actions were before telling him. I was the woman. It was my body, my choice, but I couldn’t go against Logan. I couldn’t look in his kind eyes and tell him I didn’t want his child.
It was the last night of the concert, and we were in Vegas. The tour buses were parked in an offsite location from the venue waiting for the tour to end and the crew to start dispersing. Big John was in a modem of control, but I could tell he was glad to be back with his wife and son. She even made it to the show for tonight to view his last commitment to the tour.
Logan was set to drive Brandt’s motor home the rest of the way to California once the concert finished. Ryder was staying in Vegas as well as JJ for a little vacation. Since learning of Brandt’s idea of a break in recording and touring, the band had opposing views. JJ didn’t take it well, but Ryder and Quade understood. Quade had been almost ecstatic as he would be able to spend more time with his wife and kid. The break would be hard for them, but the constant touring and recording had to stop before they fizzled out.
The rest of the crew talked about hooking up with another band just starting out their tour. It didn’t seem much of a life, working on the road and never having a permanent place to lay your head, but the guys didn’t know any different. The talk around right now was a mixture of gloom with having to leave a good tour, and excitement for it to start all over again with another group.
Making my way around the tour buses, I carefully avoided anyone from the press even though I had been ‘old news’ for a while. They couldn’t dig up any dirt on me and I didn’t go around much with the twins anymore, so their interest in me was short-lived.
The lights of the city and the way the buildings close in on me made me claustrophobic. Looking up at the main tour bus, I spotted the ladder leading to the top, and on a whim climbed up the rungs, one after another, almost feeling the air get lighter. The cool dark sky showed an occasional twinkle but seemed closed off to the stars above. It was late, but not too late. There were two opening bands to this concert and the first one should be on stage by now. This concert would run late but this city tended to not adhere to a bedtime.
Before I reached the top, I startled noticing a person sitting in a low lawn chair on top of the bus. The city lights silhouetted his face not revealing who he was until I saw the bottle of whiskey by his legs.
“Did you come up here to suck my dick?” JJ slurred slightly as his eyes pierced my own.
Making sure not to topple over the RV, I climbed the rest of the way laughing a little too easily at his suggestion, but it felt good to laugh.
“JJ, you are the only person brave enough to talk to me like that, and no, I do not want to suck your dick. Do you actually pick up women talking like that?” So rude and in your face all the time, I wondered why women threw themselves at him without a moment’s hesitation.
“Women like to be talked to like trash. I do it all the time and never worry about not having a warm cunt to put my dick into.” It made me think about how Logan treated me. He would never be so crude.
“Not all women. Not women who have self-respect.” It didn’t escape me I might have gotten a rise out of being talked to like that when I was in college. Of course, it was before I knew the pleasure of being with a real caring, thoughtful man.
“I’m not after women with self-respect. I’m after women to get my needs met. All my needs so if you are interested in wrapping those pouty lips of yours around a big stiff cock, you can come on over here. That’s if the boy scout doesn’t mind. He isn’t into sharing.” My eyes perked up.
What he said struck a chord deep within me. I didn’t know what bothered me worse. The fact JJ looked at me as a person without any self-respect or that he knew about my relationship with Logan. Ryder found out about us late one night, but I didn’t realize JJ knew. We were trying to keep it all a secret so Brandt wouldn’t find out.
Steeling myself against JJ and his asshole ways, I inquired, “Is that why you call him boy scout? He’s a nice guy. A lot nicer than you. Just like you put it, women you are after like the degrading talk. He shouldn’t be any competition for you.”
JJ leaned forward on his chair, the changing lights in the background capturing his eyes. Bags underscored his aquamarine orbs, although his pupils were so large it made it difficult to notice any color in them at all. Dazed and having a hard time focusing, I looked to the bottle half full by his side. How he could run it so hard every night and still function was beyond me.
“Logan? He is a boy scout. Do you know he was a virgin when he joined the tour? I helped to get his bean snapped too. Poor boy was a two-pump chump. He never appreciated all the pussy we would throw his way. All the other roadies would get their rocks off with the whores throwing themselves at the band. He could even fuck my cast-offs after I was done with them of course; I don’t do sloppy seconds.” He cleared his throat and offered me a swig from his bottle. It was as much of a gentleman I ever saw JJ act. I shook my head, and he leaned back in his chair.
“But no, you’re right. Logan is better than me. Better than the rest of us. Do you know he would sneak women in to meet us when they gave him a made-up sob story about wanting to meet the band? He believed them all too, the sucker. No, Logan isn’t like the rest of us.” I didn’t know what he meant by his declaration. The rest of us? Certainly, he meant the other roadies. Brandt and Quade were faithful to their wives. My brother would never stoop to the same level as JJ.
“Logan is a good guy. He has a good heart.” I wanted to take it back after it came out of my mouth. JJ didn’t care about a person having a good heart and may just give him shit about it.
A deep cruel sounding laugh erupted from him, “Exactly my point sugar tits. Logan is made to do better things than just be a good little gofer and get supplies for the big bad rock stars. He’s going to the army to be the hero. That’s his life mission. Not all of us are cut out to be the hero.” His words chilled me making me shiver despite the warm night air. He was speaking the truth. Logan was never cut out for touring with a band. For fetching loose women for horny rock stars. For running around servicing every whim they had. He was made for greatness. He should be the hero. Good guys should always win. The army could make it happen for him. If he knew about the baby, he wouldn’t be able to be the man he always wanted to be. I couldn’t let it happen, securing my notion to keep quiet about the pregnancy. Handle it on my own, knowing without Logan to help me, I would certainly fall short and be a disappointment to a child as well.
No, I shouldn’t complicate things by telling him about it. I needed to be brave for him. Get rid of it and let him follow his dream. He deserved it.
“JJ!” Logan called from down below. “Hey JJ, time to get to the arena.”
JJ’s smirked at Logan’s voice. “Hold on Boy Scout. I’m coming down. I hope you searched the crowd for some sweet pussy for me later.”
A quieter voice came from down below as Logan answered him, “Yeah. Mouse has some for you he is sure you will like.” I heard the disappointment and disgust in his voice and it only strengthened my resolve.
JJ stood up wobbly and made his way over to the side of the RV. I watched in amazement as he struggled to position himself above the ladder, but then the fear of him toppling over the side made me spring to action. “Wait JJ. Let me go first. Maybe I can help you down.”
Leering over at me he hooted, “Just wanted a chance to get close to me. Or maybe there is just a little girl scout in you too?” Sighing, I went over moving him slightly to get at the rungs. Logan looked up at me noticeably shocked at being alone with JJ on the top of an RV after I spent the last couple of days avoiding him.
The look of shock left his face as I yelled down to him, “I’m going to help him down. He’s in rough shape.” Nodding, Logan calmly made his way over to the ladder as I started to go down the rungs with JJ coming after. I took one rung and then watch as JJ took one. He slipped once and my heart stopped. Really what was I going to do if he fell on me? He was too heavy for me to catch. The most I could have done was break his fall on the hard ground although I knew Logan would never let that happen.
When we got closer to the bottom, I felt Logan’s firm grip on my hips guiding me down the rest of the way and the contact with my skin scorched as heat surfaced in his lingering touch. I wanted his gentle caress so bad but now was definitely not the time. Instead, I twisted out of his grip and made an effort to help JJ descend the ladder. He wobbled a little but got his bearings walking an occasional sidestep heading towards the arena without Logan.
“Why were you up there with him?” Logan lashed out at me in a way I wasn’t familiar with. I tried to steel myself thinking it was now or never to let him go.
“JJ is the only one not afraid of Brandt. At least he stands up to him.”
Logan laughed, “JJ and Brandt are in a constant pissing match. The only reason JJ would talk to you is to bug the shit out of Brandt or try to turn you into one of his whores.” The thought crossed my mind. If Logan thought I had sex with JJ he would leave me for sure. The only issue would be how hard it would hurt me to deliver the blow. Maybe I couldn’t tell him the truth, but I wanted to leave him with the knowledge I did at least have feelings for him.
Before I had a chance to answer he quipped, “Is that what this last week was about? You think I’m too scared to tell Brandt about us? I would. I would tell Brandt everything. Hell, I will tell him right now.”
When he turned to leave, I grabbed his wrist. “No.” Pivoting back on me, he stabbed me with his steel-blue eyes, and as nervous as I felt, I met his gaze. “That isn’t it. No need to tell Brandt anything.” He saw the fear in my eyes but didn’t understand the meaning behind it. Why should Brandt find out about us if it served no purpose?
“Rea, I can’t stand this anymore. I love you. I want everyone to know.” The sincerity in his voice caused a sinking feeling in my chest.
He loved me. The knowledge of this pained me in a way sure to scar. He loved me and I loved him, and it still wouldn’t work. Tears stung the back of my eyes, but I refused to let them show. If I started to cry, it would be all over. He would take me in his arms, and I would give in to him and ruin his life.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat and looked him square in the eyes, the whole while feeling my heart break in pieces, “But I don’t love you.”