In Loving Memory
Chase Lopez could go to hell. Just had to get that off my chest. Okay, now I was back to normal-ish.
“Alright class, so we need to re-arrange the seats a little. Wild switch with Chase.”
Wild huffed, flicking the back of my head as she got up. Not that she minded moving so much. She had the biggest crush on Ryder June, with his blonde hair and blue eyes she was all over him.
I didn’t even get the big deal with blue eyes, here in England, 48% of people had blue eyes, how could it be a big deal if half the country had them? You didn’t see girls screaming their heads off every time they saw a boy, actually you did. Wow, I forgot how obsessive homo sapiens are.
“Have fun boys.” Wild grinned, blowing me a kiss.
Chase came and sat her in her seat, his dark brown hair slightly messy and hazel eyes slightly tired looking. He didn’t look fun anymore.
“Are you okay?” I asked trying to not sound concerned, but sound concerned at the same time.
“Tired.” He replied.
“Why?” I asked, hiding the curiosity in my voice.
He exhaled and looked to see if anyone was listening, which they probably were, but whatever.
“Your Mum kept me up all night, she did this thing around the pole…” He started.
If he wanted to do this, then fine. I didn’t care if we fought again. If the Headmaster wanted to call home, fine. Last year he had called about my missing classes and I had picked up the phone pretending to be my Mum’s non-existent brother. He’d bought it just fine.
“She was teaching you how to be a stripper? You should tell her we go to school together; she’d give you a discount on lessons.” I said.
Chase was about to say something but didn’t when Mr Owens looked our way about to scold us for talking. I didn’t like this new Chase.
“Let’s begin shall we? It’s important that we prepare you all for life, and more specifically, for sex and sexual relations.”
It wasn’t that hard, just don’t get an STD, or pregnant, unless you wanted either one of those things.
“Today, we are going to be talking about everyone’s favourite, condoms.”
Everyone groaned. We were all 16 and 17 years old, we knew what a condom was. At least the Blackthorns sure did, they used to keep condom dispensers next to the soap in bathrooms.
“I’m going to pass around synthetic bananas and a condom and I need you to practise putting one on.”
No offence to penises, but if you’re having sex with someone who’s bits are shaped like a banana, then be prepared to have some mutant children, because that isn’t normal.
“Um, why do we need to learn to do this?” One Ravenwood girl asked holding the condom packet as though it was trying to impregnate her.
Condoms were the ones on their side, what was her problem?
“Duh.” Wild said, “In case you want to fuck your man.”
“Yeah, but shouldn’t he be in charge of that?” She replied.
“Not if you wanna top him.” Wild said seriously.
Everyone giggled except the Ravenwood girls. Wild had found it hard to fit in with the girls here, there weren’t many girls in Blackthorn to begin with and after the fire most of them had transferred to the girls’ school down the road.
“Exactly.” Mr Owens said, “And, it’s important to understand how these things work.”
You take the condom and shove it on the dick. I couldn’t see the tricky part of this.
“Hey Chase, feeling intimidated?” I said waving the banana in his face.
He rolled his eyes hiding a smile. What was up with him today?
“Sir, I don’t have a banana.” The same Ravenwood girl moaned.
“You can have mine any time.” A Blackthorn boy laughed.
“Don’t be stupid, then what will you use?” She sighed.
Again, Wild was the only girl laughing. Ryder said something to her and she laughed even more. This was not good; they weren’t allowed to get along. Not that I could ever control Wild, unlike me, Wild was her actual birth name, and she really lived up to it.
“Let me see if I can find one for you in the other class.” Mr Owen sighed.
As he left, I turned around standing up on my chair.
“Does anyone have a bigger size?” I asked.
One of the Ravenswood boys threw one to me, XXL, perfect. I ripped it open and pulled the slimy rolled up thing out, sitting back down.
“What are you doing?” Chase sighed not hiding his inquisitiveness quite as well as I had earlier.
I stretched it out as much as possible and put my hand inside, it was kind of tight but not too bad. There, the perfect sock/dick puppet.
“Look, it’s a muppet.” I said seriously taking a sharpie from the boy behind me and trying to draw two eyes with little success.
“It’s a condom, Blaze, you’re going to get in trouble.” Chase said biting his lip so he wouldn’t laugh.
“Who’s Blaze?” I voiced making the condom muppet attack the side of Chase’s face.
He flinched away at the wet contact and winced, had I hurt him? Not that I cared. Chase’s hand pressed to his side.
“Are you okay?” The muppet asked.
“Yeah, Blaze, put that away.” He said.
I scoffed, he was no fun. I can’t believe I thought this had even the slightest chance of being anything above totally boring.
I tried pulling it off, it wasn’t moving. I inwardly panicked, I didn’t want to have to cut my arm off.
“What is going on?” Mr Owens asked five minutes later as he walked in.
I had my eyes closed not wanting to watch as Wild used her non-school regulation scissors to cut the condom off my arm. Now I could see why they taught this stuff in school.
The whole class was giggling.
“Can you save the arm, doctor?” One boy asked Wild
“I’m doing everything I can.” She said.
I did not like the idea of Wild being anywhere near me with scissors, let alone cutting something that close to my skin
“What are you doing?” I asked, as Mr Owens was about to throw my muppet away.
Everyone stared at me, I didn’t particularly want to keep a stretched out condom, but the muppet just looked so sad all deflated and droopy with two ink-dripping eyes.
“We’ll throw a funeral.” Wild said suddenly.
And so I spent break, and the first ten minutes of 3rd period attending Dildo Semen’s funeral. Ryder had even made a little headstone from a spare piece of wood from the tech building.
“It was a beautiful ceremony.” Chase said as we fast walked to 3rd period.
I nodded. Maybe this project would be okay.