Chapter 7: *Flashback*
She stood there staring at him as he swayed back and forth on the dance floor. She had to keep her laugh to herself knowing that he hated slow dances, but it was nice to see him trying for her. She wanted to go over too him and just hug him close while apologizing profusely with tears in her eyes, but it had been so long since they last spoken. She fear that things had changed too much for things to go back to normal between them. She knew that it had been too long of her silence. He wasn’t just hers anymore. He would never forgive her for all that she’d done, so she kept her distance. She’d always have to keep her distance now.
She didn’t want to cause anymore drama than she already had, so she watched him from afar wishing that she could be standing there enjoying her time with her best-friend. She wished that he would look at her and still see the same things he’d said over the summer. That he would see her and want to protect her from the cruel harsh world she now knows. All she wanted was to turn back time… to go back and undo all that she’d done.
She’d make better choices.
She’d accept the role of being a follower and safely hide in the shadows of the unknown.
She’d wait patiently until she was ready to be her own person.
If she knew then what she’d known now she would have clung to him and begged him not to let her go. Not to forget her. Not to be ashamed of her. To protect her and not overlook her cries for help. She would have cried and pleaded for him to really see her. To hear her screams for help as the last piece of her innocence was taken from her. She didn’t know why she didn’t just defend herself, but she knew she was different now. She knew he was different also.
Everything about Justin had changed her and it was nothing she could do about it. She was aware that she was different, but she was still terrified to speak. What could anyone do for her if she couldn’t even help herself? It started with her. It always started with her.
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He looks so handsome in his tux. I know he’s tired since he’s been playing both football and basketball. He leaves practice just to have to play a game. It’s like he’s keeping himself busy just to avoid me. I don’t blame him anymore. He doesn’t want to think of the rumors going around. He doesn’t want them to be true. I want nothing more than to apologize. I want him to know that it’s not his fault. He always asked what was wrong. He always saw the pain, but I was terrified to tell him the truth. I was terrified of the possibility that he would be hurt too. Justin had threatened him almost as much as he’d threatened me.
It didn’t help to have Justin there staring me down and daring me to open my mouth. Lunch was the only time I was allowed to sit and talk to Scar. He wanted to keep our relationship a secret and that meant I had to act normal; but what he considered normal came with rules. I know now that the only reason he allowed me to do this was because he still maintained his control over me. He sat there and watched my every move like a hawk. So much for keeping secrets, but I digress. Anyways, the rules:
I wasn’t allowed to sit on the same side of the bench with him anymore. I had to always be able to make eye contact with Justin. He wanted to see my face for the entire period. I knew the truth. He has a weird talent for reading people’s lips. He just wanted to make sure I wasn’t saying anything he didn’t like. He wanted to make sure that I stuck to the script.
I was only allowed to talk about the games and how good he was. I was supposed to throw in some jabs about how if Scar was better then maybe he’d get off of the bench more. I could see the hurt in his eyes as the words left my mouth. I was shattering his ego and making him doubt himself. It was killing me to do so, but it wasn’t like I had any other choice. He was messing up in games during those times. It was like Justin had realized that I was his kryptonite Diary.
You have to be a sick person to be jealous of a freshman when your a senior and supposedly on your way to being an adult. How it is that the freshman is the mature one in the situation? If fucking with me wasn’t bad enough, he had to mess with Dave also. It’s like he hates us and wants to punish us for rumors his ‘friends’ started. It not fair, but it’s what I’ve chosen to deal with.
I used to talk shit and question why any female would chose to deal with this. I get it now. Fear is a crippling disease and it stops you; even if you are unnaturally aware of it. Love makes you stupid sometimes, especially when you aren’t ready for it. Trust makes you believe that one time will truly only be one time. That’s how they get you. They spend there time being the hero you want and need. Fooling you with this persona they’ve mastered and wait until they have you hooked and addicted to what they bring; and then they reveal who they really are and scare the living shit out of you.
But you’re so blind to the truth that you see it as an misunderstanding. You think you know him and you defend it because it not’s him. He’s not like that. Some more time goes past without another one and now you’re in too deep to escape. You know it and he knows it and now he doesn’t bother to hide it. He no longer feels the need to camouflage the monster he truly is on the inside. Now it’s up to how much you can take and just how far you’re willing to go to get out of there. It’s up to you to finally break away from the shit show that has become you life. To swallow that fear that paralyzes you and get out of there.
That’s the place I’m at diary and with the ideas I’m having, I’m starting to see that I’m willing to go too far. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get the hell away from him. I just hope Scar will find it in his heart to forgive me and not blame his self. I just hope he will eventually understand.
P.s. He really did look so handsome in his tux for the homecoming dance. Even if she isn’t the one for him, I’m glad he’s trying to get out of his comfort zone. I wish he’d dance more. I wish he knew how much I miss him. I wish that I could tell him everything.
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I remember when Dave and I used to sit in our treehouse and talk. We were so weird back then. Somehow it had become a rule that the treehouse could only be used in the summer to talk about hopes and dreams, otherwise we’d sit under it and enjoy the weather. If it was too hot we’d play in his pool. It was there that we acted like normal teenagers and had fun.
Maybe it was because we felt like we had no one watching us and finally had the privacy we desired. Our parents weren’t watching our every movements for once. His parents cared about reputations and being the best. Mines care about looks and being better than perfect at everything. We were constantly under pressure to look like we belonged while also standing out. It was frustratingly tiresome.
Our treehouse sitting in our favorite tree uniquely out in the front yard, was where we talked about getting away from it all. Where we discussed the hopes of running off to a faraway college in sunny California where we could finally do what we wanted, how we wanted.
We had it all planned out. We’d try our hardest to keep our grades above our parents expectations and keep up with our extracurriculars. Dave was determined to get an athletic scholarship, but I was going for academic. That was until he pointed out that I had a better chance of getting into the same college as him if I tried for an athletic one. He made me really consider giving cheerleading another chance. Or maybe track, but I didn’t think I was fast enough for track. He offered to teach me how to play ball, but it was too late for me to be scholarship good.
We talked about so much, but what stuck with me was how he was determined for us to stay together. I won’t lie, every now and then I would start to see what everyone else did. I would start to believe the rumors.
Scar wasn’t ugly and my reasoning for his nickname was not was people thought. That man skin was smooth and unmarked. Not even a mark from a pimple he popped lingered. Then again, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him with any kind of blemish like that before. I remember catching him looking at me sometimes and flashing me a wink and a smile. There was so much love and adoration in his eyes and it was always directed at me.
I began to truly believe. Did he have feelings for me? Did I want him to? The more I thought about it the more perfect it became. We were so young. He truly would’ve done anything I asked of him, and so I did.
We were sitting in the treehouse and I was too afraid to open my mouth. I was questioning again. I didn’t understand what I was feeling and had no idea what it meant. Junior high had complicated my mind and confused me. My feelings didn’t feel real sometimes. It more felt like I was supposed to be feeling it rather than just feeling it. I wanted to test it out and get the truth for myself. As we sat on our bean bags, I looked at him. This could possibly change everything and I believed that I was ready for it.
“Hey Scar?” I asked placing my hand over his book to get his attention.
“What’s wrong Bear?” he asked concern covering his face as I laughed. He was so paranoid over me sometimes.
“I want to ask you something, but I don’t want you to think it’s weird and freak out or something.” he laughed as I rambled on making me lose all my nerve. I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t want to open my mouth again. I didn’t want him to laugh in my face again.
“What is it Bear? You don’t have to be nervous. You can talk to me about anything.” he smiled placing his hand on my knee. Slowly my own smile began to take over and I took a deep breath to build courage again.
“Well I was talking to a few upperclassmen today. Her name was Leyah and she had this friend name Damien. I don’t know what grade they were in, all I knew was that they were older than us. They definitely sounded liked it.” I gushed. “They thought I was one of them because I’m developed. They were talking about kissing versus making out.” I said as his confusion took over his face. “I thought they were the same thing too. They laughed and said it was different. Apparently making out can only happen if you have some kind of feelings for the person. They said it can be a bunch of different ones, but it had to be strong. As for kissing… Damien said that kissing was simple. That you could kiss your best-friend and feel nothing. Then he said that if you did feel something that only meant that you were lying to yourself about what you feel for your best-friend.” I explained as he began to understand.
“And now you want to test it out?” he asked as I nodded my head. “If you like me like that Bear, just say so.” he teased a cocky smirk on his face.
“Jerk, how would either of us know the truth if we’re lying to ourselves about it duh?” I teased back.
“Fair,” he shrugged before sitting up and turning to face me better. “Let’s do this then. A five second kiss on the lips and then the truth will be revealed.”
Diary this memory is so prominent to me because when I kissed him I was on a high. It was so perfect to me. I felt the butterflies stirring, I saw the fireworks exploding and I felt my heart skip a beat. It was everything that Leyah chick had said it would be. That was until we pulled back and I saw the disgust on his face. He didn’t enjoy it like I did. They were right, one kiss would reveal it all. I was in love with Scar, but he didn’t feel the same.
It broke my heart diary and I think since that moment I’ve lashed out at him to try to convey what I felt that day. It was easier to get mad at him rather than to admit what I felt and face his rejection head on. I wanted him to know it took forever to get over him. I felt so alone. The one person I thought I could talk to about anything and everything, I no longer could. I had found the one thing we couldn’t talk about.
That one thing was us as more than what we were used too.
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The worst part of it all is being so far away from him yet feeling so close to him. I know that I talk a big game and that’s cool and all, and for a while I believed that I loved him. Then I read this book and what this character said stuck with me. She said,
‘...Being in love is not a selfish occurrence. It’s not like other feelings. It’s not a simple emotion. When you’re truly in love you give each other a part of yourselves in order to begin to become one...’
I didn’t really understand that until Justin. I gave so much of who I am to him to make us better and to make our time together worth it. He gave just as much as he took. Now what I didn’t realize was that for all the good I was giving him, he had the option to give me just as much bad back. Had to keep it balanced right? For as much good that is put out into the world, just as much bad will happen, right?
What I felt for Dave was because I believed that I was supposed to. I believe what those kids told me. I fell for the trap and almost ruined us because of it. They were just a couple of assholes fucking with a young person’s mind. I ruined our friendship and made it change to the point where we held stuff back. Being with Justin really opened my eyes to the reality of it all.
It helped me to realize that you could be with someone and feel absolutely nothing good from their kiss. That you could get nothing but negativity from kissing someone who only wanted to own you. Justin has shown me he’s possessive and just not the right guy for me, but the feelings won’t go away. No matter how much I wish for them to they stay right there trying to convince me that he’s not the monster he seems to be. Trying to convince me that I could help him to be better. I know I’m wrong, but I don’t feel like I am.
I find myself crying myself to sleep wishing that things were different and he was like the guy I loved in the beginning. Every part of me aches for him and I want him with me all the time. Even though being around him is dangerous, but I can’t help it. I can’t change how I feel even though he shows me that I shouldn’t feel it. I keep hoping that the guy I once knew, the one in the beginning who made me feel like a princess, will come back and apologize for the monster that’s been pretending to be him. That my prince will redeem himself and protect me from the monster that’s been hurting me.
Right now, I really wish I had my Scar back. He would help me to move on, he always did before. He always knew how to get me to understand and see what I couldn’t.
P.s. I remember when I had to write this poem for class. It really hits home now. I connect now more than ever. It’s called Broken.
Torn into pieces
No reason to look back
No need to run
Never going to be put back together
Never going to be at peace
Never going to be whole
Let it swallow me whole
Let it take away my suffering
Let it have my pain
Let it make me numb
Its all or nothing
I choose nothing
I am nothing
I will always be nothing
Nothing more than shattered, broken and numb.