Chapter twenty three
"When I was ten my mom died in a fire." I'd started, even just saying that I knew it was right for me to finally get everything out in the open. It probably wasn't the right person to tell; ideally it should have been a professional, or at least someone I'd know longer than a week but sometimes it helps to tell a stranger, and Cameron was a comforting stranger.
"I moved in with my st-stepdad and his friend. They weren't nice people. Everything I did was wrong. Any excuse to h-hurt me and they jumped at it. It wasn't sexual at first. Weirdly in Dereks defence I don't think he ever intended it to be; He hated me after mom died. Said it was my f-fault. She'd begged him to go get me when they woke to the fire and that she'd g-get herself out. I was told afterwards that she'd been trying to get a few keepsakes and tripped breaking her ankle. I'd been knocked out f-falling down the stairs with Derek so I didn't wake until the next day. Apparently when Derek brought me out and couldn't see m-mom he'd tried to go back in but the firefighters wouldn't let him. They'd gone in themselves but it was t-too late."
"Like I said, He hated me. You know, I'd actually been given the option to live with my real dad... he'd left me and mom three years before that and barely saw or spoke to me so I was mad at him. I was mad so I said I didn't want to live with him. Hindsight ey." I was getting angrier, and it improved my speech.
"Yeah so, it wasn't sexual at first. Derek was actually mortified the first time it happened, I was about Pipers age, thirteen. Yeah I think as I got older I started to look more like mom. If he was sober it would fuel his anger. If he'd had a drink...
"Princess, get me two bottles of beer." I quickly did as I was told and handed him both bottles.
"Sit down." He ordered again. When I was sat as far from him as I could he handed me one of the bottles and then used his free hand to drag me closer to him. Derek never wanted me near him. He barely looked at me.
I assumed he was just using me as the bottle holder and so when he motioned for me to take a sip I looked at the beer and then at him in confusion.
"That ones for you princess. You deserve it, you've done a good job today, done everything I said... drink." He finished, when I still hadn't touched the drink.
I didn't want to but I took a swig anyway. The taste was awful but Derek patted my head and said I was a good girl and my heart swelled.
He'd praised me. He said I'd done a good job. He wanted to sit near me and now I was a good girl. I was almost floating on air with happiness. My old Derek was back.
"What do you want to watch princess, your choice."
Had I died? .. Three years of abuse and now he was being kind to me. Stephen was away on some work trip for the weekend. Maybe Derek was nicer when Stephen wasn't here.
"I- I don't mind Derek." I whispered.
"Fine. I'll chose." He flicked through the movie selections and something was just about to start.
"Don't forget your drink."
I took a few more gulps. He put his arm around me and squeezed my shoulders proudly.
A little while into the movie Derek stood up, I copied him.
"No, sit, watch the movie. I'll be back in a minute. Just getting another drink."
"I'll get it Derek." I went to walk around him but a grip on my arm halted me.
"I said I'll get it. Sit down and enjoy the movie." He pushed me back into the sofa and went into the kitchen. I couldn't watch the tv. I was watching the kitchen door for when he returned.
Minutes later he walked back with two glasses with an amber liquid in them. Apple juice. Thank god.
"Finish your bottle first princess." I screwed up my face as I drank the remainder of the bottle. Glad it was gone.
My brain felt a little heavier than usual but I shook the effect off. I'd seen how Derek got when he'd been drinking so I was expecting something. It just made me feel a little sluggish.
"Here." He handed me the juice and I took a gulp hoping to get the taste of beer off my tongue.
Spluttering the burning liquid went down my throat.
"Careful princess thats expensive stuff. Don't go spitting any out." Derek warned, and then he did something I wasn't expecting. He barked out a laugh. "Your face. Priceless." His arm went around me and he started to watch the movie again.
I was in two battling minds; I was glad he was laughing and happy, but angry he'd tricked me and made me taste another vile drink.
Derek finished his drink with a sigh quite quickly and I handed him mine. I thought he was going to protest but he took the glass off me and drank what was left of mine.
"I'll water it down for you next time. Get you used to it."
Next time. Did he want to spend more time with me?
"Thank you." I whispered out again. It's all I did around Derek nowadays.
With both hands free he pulled me further into his body and curled his arms around me, his head leaned down onto mine and he left it there. Resting his head on top of mine.
"You smell like her." He breathed my hair in deeply. I knew he was talking about mom but he'd specifically said no one was to mention her name here again.
"Look like her too." He was still watching the movie, I didn't know if he was actually talking to me or just reminiscing.
Maybe I was imagining it, my head was still sluggish, worse even now from the extra alcohol and movement seemed somewhat slower. The characters on the telly were arguing but the voices were muted slightly.
Then they started to kiss, they were stripping clothes off each other angrily. My face heated at the scene.
I wanted to leave and go to my room, the characters had started moaning and moving towards the bed.
Derek chuckled at my tense body.
"Relax, it's just sex. You're not embarrassed are you? Princess look at me." I tilted my reddening face up at him. The noises on the tv were getting louder.
His eyes were dark and glassy, he looked over my whole face, gaze stopping on my mouth.
"Have you ever been kissed before?"
I shook my head.
"You wouldn't lie to me would you?" His voice was getting dangerously low. He was getting angry.
"I promise Derek."
"Good girl," I smiled that I'd pleased him again.
He tilted his head, eyes still watching me. "You like making me happy don't you princess?" I nodded again. I didn't like it when he was mad at me.
The moaning continued on the Tv and I wished he would mute it. He watched the couple for a few seconds before turning back to me
"Then I want to try something, and it will make me happy. Will you help me?" Another nod.
"Good girl." He smiled down at me and my eyes widened. It was an old Derek smile.
I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I didn't see his face getting closer to me until his mouth was on mine. I shot backwards immediately sure it was a mistake and he'd slipped.
"I thought you wanted to make me happy. Don't move again." He face was stern.
He hands grabbed my face and tilted it towards his lowering one. I was frozen.
His warm mouth touched mine again and I tried to move back but his hands prevented it. His mouth moved over mine slowly and then his tongue traced the line of my lips. I shuddered in disgust. This wasn't right. It didn't feel right.
"Princess. You have to move your mouth with me or it doesn't work. Just copy what I'm doing."
"I don't want to." I mumble.
"I'll make you a deal. You do this for me, the right way. And then you can go to bed. You have to do it properly though. Or else it doesn't count." His glassy eyes shimmered with an emotion I didn't understand.
"O-okay... then I can go to bed."
"I promise." He whiskey breath surrounded me but I assumed mine was the same.
He head came down again and I hesitantly lifted mine to meet him half way. I copied him and moved my lips against his. It still didn't feel right.
"Open up." He muttered before his tongue reached me again. I did as I was told and slowly opening my mouth. His tongue touched mine and I held back a gag. He made a noise in the back of his throat and pushed his body weight further onto me.
His hands went to my waist and squeezed painfully. I continued to move against him until I couldn't breathe any longer and moved my head back.
Dereks lips never left me; they trailed across my cheek and down my neck.
"We're done now, right Derek." I asked as he carried on sucking and nipping at the juncture between my neck and shoulder.
"Derek. I can go to bed now. You promised."
His hands had moved up to the inside of my shirt and he made another noise when his bare hands touch my skin.
I tried to stand up but his grip tightened. He still didn't speak or move his head from my neck.
"I need you princess. It's been too long." Derek spoke into my shoulder. I didn't understand him.
"You said I could go to bed." I repeated.
"You're right I did." Without warning I was lifted off the sofa and Derek cradled me in his arms. He walked us towards my room, but then passed it and got to his own door.
Pushing it open he moved me to his bed and slowly lowered me before standing back up.
"I don't understand." I looked up to him and watched in slow confusion as he lifted his top off his body revealing his naked torso. As his hand went to his jeans I stood up. He pushed me back down and continued to drop his pants. He was just in his boxers now.
"Derek. What are you doing?" I didn't want to look at him. Look down there.
"We're going to bed. Like I promised."
"Why can't I go to my own room?."
His face hardened. "You're so ungrateful. I thought maybe you'd want to sleep in a proper bed for once and not a mattress on the floor."
I felt guilty. He was just trying to be nice. The kissing and drinking had muddled me up.
"Derek I'm sorry -" he put a finger against my lips.
"Just stop talking." He demanded, eyes still hard with anger, and the unidentified emotion from earlier.
His hands went to the bottom of my shirt and lifted. Automatically I reached to stop him and thats when he slapped me. I was used to that, but after him being so nice to me tonight I guess I didn't expect it.
"Don't ever try to stop me from doing something ever again."
The shock allowed him to remove my top, I thawed quickly when he went to move my pants down.
"I don't like this." I closed my legs tighter so he struggled to get my pants off.
"Open your legs now princess, or you're going to be in a world of pain." His face never left mine as I opening my legs and let him pull the pants off me and throw them on the floor. I was in just my underwear now. We both were.
I hoped now he would just get into bed and we could go to sleep.
He looked over my body that had developed at a slightly faster pace to my class mates, I was shaking, he noticed.
"Relax, it's just sex." He repeated what he'd said earlier and covered my body with his. I tried to move. I tried to fight him.
He just kept telling me to relax, that it was okay, but it wasn't okay.
After he finally got off me I cried continuously, body shaking and hiccuping until Derek got fed up and knocked me out.
When I woke I was aching everywhere. I was in too much pain to move but I didn't want to stay in the same room let alone the same bed as the man that had done what he had done to me last night. I thought it couldn't get worse. I had thought the hitting and name calling and all the horror they already put me though was the limit. Boy had I been wrong.
Whimpers escaped as I slowly tried to get out of the bed. It woke Derek up. He scrunched his face up in pain, and put a hand over his head and eyes moaning. He was hungover.
I waited until I thought he was asleep again before trying to move. His eyes shot to mine and I started to hyperventilate. He was going to hurt me again.
"What are you doi-" His eyes went wide, horror crossed his features and he jumped from the bed. Looking down at his naked body he then looked at me trying to hide mine.
"Oh my god. F*ck f*ck." grabbing his pants off the floor he practically jumped into them. His eyes kept going from the bed to me and back again.
I could see his mind reenacting it over for him. He looked at me once more before hunching over and vomiting on the floor.
I stayed where I was, watching him cough out the last of whatever he'd eaten and drank yesterday until he had nothing else to throw up.
He looked at me one more time before grabbing a top and shoes and leaving the room. A few minutes later the front door slammed shut.
I looked at the vomit for a long time, and then I achingly got out of the bed, I looked at the blood on the sheets and the sick on the floor. Grabbing my clothes, I got dressed and on autopilot stripped the bed and got to cleaning Dereks room.
Derek barely spoke to me for the next three weeks. Not that I wasn't pleased about that. I'd surpassed the childish need to want to make him happy. I just continued doing what I always did. My chores and my school work.
I listened to Stephen call me names and push me about but Derek didn't partake. I know Stephen was wondering what had happened to cause the extra strain on our living situation. If Derek wasn't telling him I certainly wasn't.
A few weeks later Stephen had to go on another business weekend trip. Derek spent most of the weekend out and I carried on as I normally would.
It was Sunday night and my bedroom door burst open, waking me instantly. It was too dark to see but I knew who it was. I heard him stumble towards my mattress and rip me out of the covers, I fought him as best I could trying to pull out of his grip while he dragged me to his room.
"Derek. Stop! you don't want to do this." I begged.
He had to knock me out again.
"What the f*ck?!" The loud shout woke me up this time and I bolted up right. It took me a second to realise where I was, the pain helped remind me.
"Stephen, man... I - look it's not what- I." Derek sputtered out, he jumped out of bed and grabbed his pants like last time.
"You didn't say we were allowed to f*ck her. You've been holding out on me." Stephens face was sinister as he looked at me huddled on the bed covering myself from his gaze.
"You... you want her too?" Derek asked wide eyed, happy his sick thoughts weren't just his now.
"Of course. I just didn't because I wasn't sure what you thought about it. I've been holding back ever since her tits grew out, let me tell you it's been hard, pun intended. But you got there before me. Well played." He praised him, slapping him on the back.
"Its her own fault. Look at her... She's been begging for it for ages. Walking around teasing me with that body. Growing up to be a right little slut aren't you?" Stephen looked back at me. I was speechless. I'd never teased anybody in my life. I wouldn't know how to... had I done it accidentally?
"You mind if I have a go?"
I looked at Derek pleadingly.
"Sure man, I still owe you for letting us move in here. Go at it. She might be sore from last night though." He laughed, and Stephen joined in.
"D-Derek. Please." He wouldn't look at me.
"Oh look she wants you again, maybe after I've had my go we can tag team? That way she gets what she wants. Although once I'm through with her she might need her rest." Stephen chuckled before walking towards me.
I don't know why I thought Derek would do anything. He didn't answer Stephen. He just left the room. Left me with him.
If I'd thought Derek had hurt me, I wasn't sure how to describe what Stephen did.
"That was the start of it g-getting worse, but I got used to it and tried to stay out of there way best I could. Derek usually had a reason for hurting me, it wasn't justified, but it was a reason... Stephen though, He'd hit me for anything and nothing... So, I've grown up thinking everything I do is wr-wrong. I expect to be hurt all the time for ridiculous reasons"
"Which brings me to today, I- I should have been punished. I was the one who did something wrong. I didn't stay with them. I didn't pick up my phone. I worried them. I've been waiting all week for them to finally snap b-but it's not happening and I can't take it. And after last night, seeing Lucas so angry at me. And then at himself. I d- I don't understand what they're doing."
I wanted to believe they wouldn't hurt me and the logical part of me tried. It tried really hard. But since I was ten I'd been abused by someone who was supposed to care for me. Who I had loved previously. And he continued to let me down and hurt me.
Why wouldn't everyone else?