Chapter forty one
Chapter Forty One.
I finally pull my eyes up to look at my father, the memory of me in the hospital, having been just told my mother was dead flashes behind my eyes.
I stare at him flatly, emotionlessly - the complete opposite of how I was actually feeling. Rage was burning up inside me; "she's my daughter and I wanted to see her." What utter horse shit, if he'd ever felt that way about me he never would have left.
I try to think about what Dr Greene had advised, wondering if Karl had mentioned my father to her and that was why she'd brought him up.
She'd said to let go of hate and anger. Well, now was my chance.
"You look just like your mom." He finally speaks up after I still hadn't said anything, looking at me with wide doe-y eyes, like butter wouldn't melt.
"Yeah," I snort “no fucking shit Dominic, why do you think Derek kept me around so long... for my charming personality, no it must have been for my cooking and cleaning skills."
He flinches. Good.
"Alex... if I'd have known-"
I stop him right there.
"Fuck you, with your 'If I'd have known' bullshit - if you'd have known what exactly? That you were leaving me with an abusive rapist druggie... you'd have done what? Let me join your new, better family. I'd rather deal with Derek and Stephen."
It was quite clearly a lie; I'd have done anything at the time to get away from those two... and then when Mike entered my life, well it only made me wish someone would save me all the sooner... but Dominic never called, never checked up on me. As soon as the funeral was over. I was out of sight out of mind... but that seemed to be his M.O.
The lie had the desired effect though and he cringed back at my harsh words.
"I'm not sure what you expected here today, but I don't want and will never want anything to do with you."
I wasn't finished yet though. This was probably the nastiest I'd ever been.
"I don't need you Dominic... I'll tell you when I did need you shall I? When Derek and Stephen would pass me back and forth each night, playing cards to see who would win the grand prize of raping me that evening, and let me tell you... I always wished for a winner, because when they would draw... well, they both essentially won didn't they.”
“I needed you when they'd beat me so bad I wished I was dead, when I tried to escape, only for them to find me and whip and burn me so bad I have the scars to prove it. I needed you... but you weren't there."
I'd tried to keep the tears at bay, but they were flowing free now and I didn't even try to wipe them off.
"I needed my dad."
I feel someone move closer behind me and when they touch my shoulder I know it's Aiden, he just has a way of soothing the hurt inside me.
Dominic still hadn't said anything, and somehow, I don't know how he did it... even though I was the one crying, the one who went through all that pain. I was feeling sorry for him.
"Just leave." I whisper, no longer looking at him. He didn't deserve my pity, but he had it anyway, so the least I could do was attempt to hide it from him.
I chanced a glance up when he started to turn away; and noticed the gleam of un-shed tears glistening in his eyes. He looked broken.
My guilt continued to painfully eat away at me and I bit my lip to make sure I didn't start apologising or asking him to stay.
When he disappeared from view I shrugged off Aidens hand and just whispered "room." and "alone." Before leaving everyone in the garden.
How had he managed to get me to feel bad? he left me, he didn't care enough about me when I was a kid to even visit me on my birthday and he didn't even fight a little bit for custody over me. I'd been angry at the hospital, but I was only ten years old.
He didn't want to fight for me because it was easier to push me on to someone else.
I knew he never would have have let me go had he known, because not many sane people would have allowed that, but it shouldn't take me being abused for him to want me in his life.
Still, the beat down and utterly broken way he seemed as he left, was cutting inside me like shards of glass. I needed to fix it.
Without much more hesitation I ran downstairs and found Karl
"I need to use your phone." He smiled knowingly down at me, a proud twinkle in his eye.
Yeah yeah... I'm a saint.
It rang for a while before his gruff voice picked up. It sounded like he was crying.
"Look Karl, I know, I shouldn't have just shown up you were right. I fucked up and she's going to hate me forever."
"Well," I started and his audible gasp made it known I was the last person he expected to be on the other end. "Maybe not forever."
I take a deep breath, I hadn't actually planned what I was going to say to him, but I knew I couldn't have the last thing I said to be so harsh. It really wasn't me.
"I'm sorry, about all the things I just said, it was cruel and meant to hurt you, but it mostly just hurt me. I don't want to blame you, I know if you could, you'd go back in time. Believe me so would I, but maybe now we just have to focus on the future and... it's going to take me a while to want some kind of relationship with you, if that's what your intentions even are."
"It is." He confirms quickly.
"Right well, next time, try and listen to Karl, he knows what he's talking about." I look up to the best father figure I'd ever had and he's beaming proudly down at me.
"Maybe I'll call you from time to time and we could talk? and then... maybe we could meet up. I don't know yet."
"Alex... that would be great, whatever you want to do, I'll do it. I just want a chance to prove myself." He sounds sincere and I want to believe him.
It will just take some time.