11
I swallow, keeping my eyes out the window. I should probably leave. If he's found me, my family will soon.
It's suffocating already.
He's such a fucking hypocrite. Our whole relationship was built on a mutual hate of our families and dishonesty.
Every time I close my eyes. I see him. Harrison. Heh. I didn't name him. I wanted to get out that country as fast as I could. I didn't even think Benjamin kept him. I thought he'd give him up for adoption.
I've tried for years to not think about it. But every year on his birthday, I find myself not eating. Missing work.
I know I'm shit mother. But I always knew that. That's why I didn't keep him. I didn't want to see him, or name him or hold him.
I'm no ones mother. I'm a liar.
He calls my phone again. I mute it. Was it a coincidence? I don't know. I was just gonna keep lying. Like I always do.
Lying and pretending I've never met him.
She's not...important to me.
He was a mistake. A very long mistake. And Harrison...is a byproduct of my mistake, as cruel as it is.
It's time to go.
I get home, getting my stuff together. Once my family gets here I won't be able to leave. Those narcissists. Knowing I escaped? I can't imagine the fucking fury. They'd lock me up and throw away the key.
I am not going back there. Not for anything. And I know Benjamin. He won't mind, fucking me over. He never has.
Didn't you love me?
I look in the mirror, taking out my contacts, putting on my glasses, sighing.
I had him when I was 17. It wasn't my fault. I was just a kid. It was a mistake. It was all a mistake.
Don't you want us to be happy?
It was all a little mistake.
I sigh, grabbing my duffel bag. One I make again. I'm not a kid anymore.
Where the fuck am I supposed to go now? I haven't gotten my check from Benjamin, and I wasn't exactly living the high life.
I don't know, but I gotta get the fuck up outta here.
I walk out, duffel bag in hand. Thankfully, I never underestimate him, not anymore. As soon as I met him, I had a go bag packed.
I shut my door, looking up. He stands there, smile on his face, arms crossed.
"How did I know?" He asked.
I roll my eyes, pushing past him.
"I didn't tell them," he assures me.
I roll my eyes. "Yeah, as if I would believe you."
He smiles, face never changing. Then I notice. Harrison peeks out from behind him. I scoff. Of course.
"When you left him, you covered him like a coward. This time...look him in his eyes and abandon him. It's the least you can do," he whispers.
Harrison looks up at me. "You're leaving?"
I swallow looking away. "Y-yeah, sorry little guy."
"Please don't go," he whispers, leaving from his father's leg, and stepping toward me. His pajamas are coming off his shoulders.
"I—I have to," I explain, bending down.
"Then can I come with you," He asks, touching my face. "Dad says you're not a stranger, so I can trust you."
"No. You can't come with me. You have to stay here with your dad. I'm...I'm so sorry."
His eyes water. I close my own. Fuck him for this. That bastard.
"Can I give you a hug, before you go?"
I nod. He hugs me, crying into my neck. "Please don't leave. I love you, Miss Jessie."
I pause. "I love you too, Harrison. So much."
"Then why are you leaving?" Benjamin asks me.
I glare at him. "You know why."
"I haven't spoken to your family since you left. Stay here. For once in your life, be a mother to your child, Jessica. He needs you."
Bastard. We both know if Harrison wasn't here, I would just flip him off and keep moving.
But...
"Come on," I pick Harrison up. "I'm going to take you home, okay?" I kiss Harrison's head.
It dawns on me, that even though he's nearly six years old...this is the first time I've ever held my son.
