Sweet Like Honey

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11

I swallow, keeping my eyes out the window. I should probably leave. If he's found me, my family will soon.

It's suffocating already.

He's such a fucking hypocrite. Our whole relationship was built on a mutual hate of our families and dishonesty.

Every time I close my eyes. I see him. Harrison. Heh. I didn't name him. I wanted to get out that country as fast as I could. I didn't even think Benjamin kept him. I thought he'd give him up for adoption.

I've tried for years to not think about it. But every year on his birthday, I find myself not eating. Missing work.

I know I'm shit mother. But I always knew that. That's why I didn't keep him. I didn't want to see him, or name him or hold him.

I'm no ones mother. I'm a liar.

He calls my phone again. I mute it. Was it a coincidence? I don't know. I was just gonna keep lying. Like I always do.

Lying and pretending I've never met him.

She's not...important to me.

He was a mistake. A very long mistake. And Harrison...is a byproduct of my mistake, as cruel as it is.

It's time to go.

I get home, getting my stuff together. Once my family gets here I won't be able to leave. Those narcissists. Knowing I escaped? I can't imagine the fucking fury. They'd lock me up and throw away the key.

I am not going back there. Not for anything. And I know Benjamin. He won't mind, fucking me over. He never has.

Didn't you love me?

I look in the mirror, taking out my contacts, putting on my glasses, sighing.

I had him when I was 17. It wasn't my fault. I was just a kid. It was a mistake. It was all a mistake.

Don't you want us to be happy?

It was all a little mistake.

I sigh, grabbing my duffel bag. One I make again. I'm not a kid anymore.

Where the fuck am I supposed to go now? I haven't gotten my check from Benjamin, and I wasn't exactly living the high life.

I don't know, but I gotta get the fuck up outta here.

I walk out, duffel bag in hand. Thankfully, I never underestimate him, not anymore. As soon as I met him, I had a go bag packed.

I shut my door, looking up. He stands there, smile on his face, arms crossed.

"How did I know?" He asked.

I roll my eyes, pushing past him.

"I didn't tell them," he assures me.

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, as if I would believe you."

He smiles, face never changing. Then I notice. Harrison peeks out from behind him. I scoff. Of course.

"When you left him, you covered him like a coward. This time...look him in his eyes and abandon him. It's the least you can do," he whispers.

Harrison looks up at me. "You're leaving?"

I swallow looking away. "Y-yeah, sorry little guy."

"Please don't go," he whispers, leaving from his father's leg, and stepping toward me. His pajamas are coming off his shoulders.

"I—I have to," I explain, bending down.

"Then can I come with you," He asks, touching my face. "Dad says you're not a stranger, so I can trust you."

"No. You can't come with me. You have to stay here with your dad. I'm...I'm so sorry."

His eyes water. I close my own. Fuck him for this. That bastard.

"Can I give you a hug, before you go?"

I nod. He hugs me, crying into my neck. "Please don't leave. I love you, Miss Jessie."

I pause. "I love you too, Harrison. So much."

"Then why are you leaving?" Benjamin asks me.

I glare at him. "You know why."

"I haven't spoken to your family since you left. Stay here. For once in your life, be a mother to your child, Jessica. He needs you."

Bastard. We both know if Harrison wasn't here, I would just flip him off and keep moving.

But...

"Come on," I pick Harrison up. "I'm going to take you home, okay?" I kiss Harrison's head.

It dawns on me, that even though he's nearly six years old...this is the first time I've ever held my son.

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