Sweet Like Honey

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40

I stare in the mirror. Henry is asleep. I'm at lowest with his voice. His smile. His little feet running around.

It sucks me of my energy. God damn it.

Just forgive him. It's been almost ten years. Just forgive him and forget it.

Then you won't have to be alone any more. Then you won't feel empty.

You are an eyesore. Eat less.

Shit. Shit. It's fucking fine. Everything is fine. I'm alright. It's alright. It's fine.

You are an eyesore child. I should've never had you.

I'm fine. This is fine. He wants to work on our relationship. It's not that fucking hard.

Have you gained weight? You're already such an eyesore.

I've known him my whole life. We can be compatible. We are compatible. Even if we don't love each other, I can be with him.

Do I love you? Why would I love you? You're an eyesore

It's fine. I'll...I'll just forgive him and forget about it all. It's over. And if he leaves, then Henry won't have a father.

It's not that big a deal. Move on we were 16. It was a mistake.

Did your mother tell you nonsense again? How useless.

I swallow. I need to put on some makeup. I'm not going anywhere, but I need to feel pretty right now. I grab my makeup bag, trying to steady my hands.

It's alright. This is fine.

I start with my foundation.

Cover up those bags. We have a photo shoot.

Everything is fine. I start on my eyeshadow.

We call this, controlling what you can whenever thing feels out of control. I chuckle. My hand won't stop shaking. Maybe I'm still sick.

I mess up my eyeshadow. I wipe my face clean starting again. Why would I start with my foundation first? Eyes first.

I try again.

Can you do something to look presentable?

Neutral colors. A clean swipe of eyeliner—

Shit!

I start over. This is fine. I am going to move past this. Henry deserves a family.

You are an eyesore. Can't you do anything right?

Henry deserves a father and a mother who are happy.

I mess up again. I try again.

There's just something about all of this that doesn't make sense. Something is off. Something is ugly. Something is wrong. Something is in the way.

You are such an eyesore. Go make sure Benjamin's happy. Be useful.

Something is...

I finally get my eyes right. I do my foundation. Concealer. Color corrector. I feel a little better. I go in to contour. I choose the wrong shade.

Shit. I take my foundation off, starting over.

You'll have to do something, the way you look.

I try again. I can see it. We'll be...happy. If I can just move past it all. Bury it. Bury it.

I finally get to contouring again. I go in with the right shade this time. I keep going. Yes. We'll be happy again. Benjamin and I. We'll be what we were always meant to be.

Worthless girl. If you keep eating you'll be completely worthless. You don't need lunch.

That's what makes me...worth something. Or at least it did. I swore I got over that. I thought I—I thought I unlearned that.

I mess up my blush. I start over.

If I'm not with Benjamin what am I doing? If I'm not...if I'm alone.

You are nothing but an eyesore. You can't even hide a bruise correctly.

So why don't I just be with him? He keeps begging? Am I still angry? Do I care? Do I want to be with him. Why can't I just accept him? What's the issue? What's in the way?

I mess up my eyeliner again. I start over.

He loves me. Doesn't he? He loves me. So...why can't I just...why can't I just pretend? I should be good at that? It's the one thing I'm not completely terrible at.

My one mistake...you're an eyesore girl.

What can't I bear to see? What's in my way?! It's fine.

Everything will be fine. I'll figure this out. I always do. It's just bugging me. I've seen before. This issue. This problem. This—

Oh. I messed up my lipstick. I start over.

I go to put more foundation on. My bottle is empty. My eyes finally focus. I look in the mirror. My makeup is smeared. I look a mess. Lipstick smudged across my chin, half my foundation off, my eyeliner smudged under my eye.

Oh. I chuckle. I remember now. That's what it is.

That's the problem. That's the eyesore.

Me. I'm the eyesore. It's me.

I laugh at that.

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