Sweet Like Honey

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The next morning...

I drop Henry off at school. I take the trip over to Benjamin's. He should be home.

I knock on the door.

He opens it. "This is a surprise. Come in. Are you alright?"

I smile.

He frowns.

"Yes." I state.

He frowns deeper. "Are you sure."

I say nothing, remembering what I came here to say.

"I was thinking about what you said. And...I agree."

He whips around. "With me?"

I laugh. "Yeah. Listen...I want to try. I forgive you. I...should've a long time ago, and that was my fault y'know? But I think working on a relationship is a great idea."

He steps toward me. I fortify myself. Don't react.

He puts his hand to my forehead. "Are you...sure you're not coming down with something? You don't have a fever."

I chuckle, waving him away.

His brows knit.

"No, no," I step back. "I guess I just realized I want to be happy. With you. And I was...holding myself back. So I want to try. For us and Henry."

I keep the smile on my face.

I bought new foundation.  And I haven't eaten breakfast.

"Well," he says lowly, "I'm glad you feel that way," he keeps frowning. "I just...didn't expect this. Especially so soon—"

"Yeah. I know. I'm just...I can be such an eyesore y'know," I chuckle.

"Huh? An eyesore, why would you say that?"

I blink. "So what time do you leave for work? Around 8 right?"

He takes my hand, looking over me. "Yeah. Come sit with me. Are you hungry?"

"Oh I had breakfast," I smile.

"You're smiling a lot," he notes.

"I'm...trying to be happier. Y'know? Like manifesting. If I smile my day will go better I saw that online," my eyes dart around.

My stomach grumbles.

"Sure I cant get you something? An apple at least?"

"Oh no. I just had a very heavy breakfast—"

"I've never seen you eat breakfast in my life Jessica," he states, "To this day. You never eat more than a bite."

I swallow. "Well I had a late night so I was hungry this morning."

He nods. "Okay."

I sigh. Tightening my grip on his hand. "So..." I smile. "What next?"

His eyes narrow a little. "Well. You know I think...maybe you should take a break. You've been dealing with so much—"

"I'm fine," I smile. "Thank you for asking. I'm glad we had this moment. Now, I have to get to work soon but I just...wanted to share the good news."

"Are you okay, honey?" He asks again.

"I just told you I'm fine? Do I look bad? I just bought a new foundation. I'm sorry—"

His eyes widen. "Honey?"

Shit. I stand. I feel a little dizzy but nothing I'm not used to.

He pulls my back down, bumping his nose with mine.

I nod. "I said I'm fine, Benji. I've gotta get to work," I pause, kissing him. "Have a good day."

I leave. I did it. I did good. I did good. I smile. Yes.

Not always. I'm not always an eyesore. I drive home.

• • •

I clean up before Henry gets home, I do some work. I text Benjamin and set a date night.

I'm doing well.

It's lunch time.

I keep moving. I just don't have time right now. I need to keep going. So many things to do. I look in my closet.

All of my dresses seem...

Mh. Well. Maybe a black one. Slimming. Yes. Was that always there? That...it's fine. It's fine. I look in the mirror, turning around. Why am I so...I fit this before I left.

I sigh. It's fine.

I smile. Yes. If I smile, I'll be happy. Like before. Just smile. Never mind it. Everything can't be perfect.

My god I feel so small.

It's alright. I run out of things to do eventually. I don't think I should've went to the UK. I know that things...issues about me...problems I have from my father come through all the time.

He didn't love me and that fucked me up. But if I smile than I'll be f—

Benjamin loves me. And Henry loves me. As long as I just...keep going. It'll be okay. It's always fine. I will be fine.

I stand. My head hurts a little.

Someone knocks at the door. Who else but Benji even knows I exist?

I open it and smile. "Hey!"

He smiles. "I brought lunch. I have an hour. Let's eat together?"

I grin. "I would love to! Oh but I just ate, so just eat in front of me, and talk okay?"

He goes into the kitchen. "What did you eat? You barely eat put, and I don't see any dishes. I don't smell any food."

"Oh, I heated up some leftovers. Never mind me, Benji, sit. How's your day been?"

He observes me. "Eat something, Jessica."

"I just told you—"

"In front of me."

I pause and smile, looking down at the burger. My stomach turns.

"Okay. If you insist. But if I become an eyesore it's your fault," I chuckle, biting into it.

He smiles. "Thank you."

I keep chewing.

"You're not eating," he says.

"It's in my mouth,"

"You haven't swallowed any food. Eat. Please."

I swallow the food in mouth. I finish the burger and we talk. Eventually he has to go back to work. I walk him out.

It must have been too greasy, because I had to throw it all up.

But I feel better afterwards. I brush my teeth. Henry will be home soon. I should make him something to eat.

I step back out of the bathroom. Benjamin stands there.

I smile. "I told I didn't feel well."

"No. You told me you already ate."

I smile. I wish he would smile.

"Yeah. I ate too much silly. I'll eat dinner. I promise."

He kisses my head. "I'll come back to check on you tonight, Honey. You stay safe alright?"

I nod.

He leaves. I watch him go. I realize I didn't flush the toilet. How disgusting. I go back in the bathroom. I look at the vomit in the toilet. I flush it away.

"What an eyesore."

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