As long as you are breathing (you can start all over again)
Oh, and your heart’s beating (you can start all over)
Mmm, goodbye sorrow (you can start all over again)
Hello tomorrow (you can start all over)
Ohhh... oh, oh, oh... Ohhh.
Start all over again – Dave Koz
I stared gloomily and anxiously outside the window of my house watching the drops of water race each other down the window pane. One month. One whole month had passed without me barely even noticing and the rain still had not let up fully. One day it would almost seem as though the rain would definitely stop, but by afternoon it would pour down again. I watched as the palm trees outside my window bent heavily as the wind blew angrily.
The house shook as another violent gust of window blew and I began to realise what Ray had told me a month ago about needing to fix the structure. Due to the rain he hadn’t been able to but the house had been standing for so long I didn’t really think much of it. My eyes drifted to the murky water of the beach further out and I sighed. I hadn’t been able to go surfing for a long time. Each passing week had only brought worse weather and I wasn’t about to repeat the mistake I made the day I met Ray. Not that meeting Ray was a mistake... just the fact that I nearly died trying to surf in this sort of weather.
I felt my nerves kick up another notch again. Ray was currently going through his physical and I barely ate anything all day today and yesterday because I was so nervous for him. We’d worked hard the last few weeks together and despite the cold and the rain, Ray had improved more than I could have hoped for. He moved with a finesse that would seem impossible for someone of his stature, and yet he beat those stereotypical odds.
“Cheer up, butter up!”
I managed a small smile and turned to Tom who was watching the news on the television. “Easy for you to say, either way you’re going back to the Air Force and Ray is most likely going too. It’s practically impossible for him to not pass his physical”
“Does he pass your physical?” Tom wriggled his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes and threw him a look.
“Be serious, Tom”
“Fine, fine... look I don’t know what to do or say to make you feel better. Yes, Ray is most likely going to pass the physical but he still hasn’t told me anything about staying or leaving. You never know...”
“I do know... You and I both know how much he loves his mom. If he wouldn’t stay for her, or even visit her, why would he even bother to leave the Air Force for me? I have nothing to offer him”
“Well, what do you want him to do?” He asked curiously throwing a piece of popcorn up in the air and catching it in his mouth.
I stayed silent. What did I want him to do? “I want him to be happy, of course. If he’s happier back in the Air Force then there’s no way I’m going to let him stay. He once told me that the Air Force was his life, that he wanted to be an airman since before he could remember. If it’s so important to him... then I want him to go” I whispered the last part.
“Well, then I guess no matter what his decision is... you’d be happy, right?”
I turned back to the window. “I guess you’re right”
“The news says there’s a severe storm warning for the rest of the week... if you’re lucky you’ll probably get to keep him for another week before we have to leave. Considering he passes the physical”
“You said that if he passes the physical you’re both leaving to head back the day after tomorrow?” I asked anxiously.
“Yep, pretty quick huh? But like I said if he passes and if he decides to go back, but the storm is bad enough, you’ll maybe get another week with him” He winked.
I chuckled lightly, only Tom was able to make that sentence seem naughty. Another two hours passed before I saw Ray’s car chugging up my drive way. I quickly turned from the window and ran to the door throwing it open for him. He ran through the rain, not bothering with an umbrella for the short distance, and met me at the door.Without greeting me he swooped down and kissed me. His kiss seemed different, it felt full of raw emotion, but I couldn’t pick up on what kind of emotion it was. “Come on in” I urged him after our lips parted.
I moved inside and Ray followed nodding his head at Tom in greeting. “So?” I asked staring straight at him. He didn’t need any other specification before answering me.
“I passed” He looked both grave and happy at the same time and I couldn’t help it, I grinned and threw myself at him hugging him hard as I congratulated him.
“Well done, Ray! I’m so proud of you!” He returned my hug and for a moment all I could think of was how his apple and sea salt scent that enveloped me smelled so much like home. “I’m so happy for you, this is amazing news”
Tom stood up, grinning like a maniac, and punched Ray’s shoulder. “Good on you man! Good stuff! Not that we even doubted that you’d be able to pass it. Honestly, nothing can stop the Beast when he wants something! So, if the weather holds up we leave to go back to the base in... just under forty-seven hours. But, considering the storm warning our flight might be left for later this week-“
“Tom, mind if we finish this conversation for another time. I’d like to spend some time with Seychelles” Ray stated rather than asked. “I’ll drive you back to my place. Mom wanted to know how I did in my physical so I’ll tell her then”
Tom’s eyes darted between me and Ray before shrugging nonchalantly and finishing off the popcorn he was eating and grabbing his jacket. “Does she have more muffins?”
“Brownies” Ray hadn’t taken his eyes off of me since explaining that he passed and I was beginning to get nervous. This was the moment we were both dreading. The conversation neither of us wanted to have. True to our word a month ago, we hadn’t spoken about what his decision was going to be until the moment came to actually make it... and in a blink of an eye, here it was.
“Brownies! Hell, what are you waiting for Beast?! If we’re leaving in forty-seven hours I need to fill up on all the brownies your mom has to offer! Who knows when I’ll get to eat them again?!”
Ray tossed Tom the keys, “Start the car, man. I’ll be right behind you” Tom caught the keys and was out running through the rain in a few seconds. Ray and I were staring straight into each other eyes, nervousness had begun to settle in my stomach and I was beginning to panic. I needed time on my own for a few moments to collect myself. “I’ll be back soon”
With a quick chaste kiss Ray turned and ran back out in the rain, giving me the few moments I desperately needed to gather my wits. Ray seemed so pensive. Had he made his decision? Was he getting rid of Tom so that we could work out what was going to happen from now on? My thoughts were as scattered as a broken vase and I was desperately trying to pick each piece up and glue them together so I could gather my mind in one piece. However, each thought, whether big or small, seemed to cut into me and cause me pain.
Was he staying? Was he going? Will he write, or will he forget me? Will he visit or will he stay away? If he did stay, what will that mean? Will we become more? Or not?
I squeezed my eyes shut and told myself to breathe. In. Out. In. Out. My frantic heart beat began to slow down and I turned to sit by the window again. As though to mock me, the weather had actually eased up. The rain barely sprinkled down and the wind seemed to be at a standstill. “Is this so that Ray can leave me even faster?” I grudgingly asked the sky.
As I mentally cursed the sky for all of a sudden calming down, the small beam of hope in the back of my mind spoke up. Maybe he won’t leave you? Maybe he actually feels something for you enough to stay and sort it through? I threw my reflection a dead panned look. “Just because I love him, it doesn’t mean that the feeling is mutual” I scolded myself.
I tried to occupy myself and watched the hands of the clock slowly tick each second away. Exactly one hour, forty-three minutes and eighteen seconds later Ray’s car parked outside and I sped across the room to the front door. As soon as I reached it I composed myself, as though I didn’t just race across the length of my lounge, and opened the door. Surprisingly the weather was perfectly cool with just the right amount of humidity that hung around after the rain.
“Hungry?” Ray asked as he lifted a box of pizza up.
“More like I need a drink actually” I answered truthfully. My stomach was all tied in knots and eating was the last thing on my mind.
“Yes... I thought as much” He replied holding is other hand up from behind his back and showed me the bottle of wine he’d bought. “What do you say?”
“Pizza and wine? I say it sounds fantastic” I chuckled. I took the wine from him and he walked over to the coffee table to deposit the pizza. I grabbed two wine glasses from the top of my cupboard and walked back to him. “Would you mind? I hate opening wine bottles... Bad experience that ended up with me having a black eye”
Ray laughed heartily before taking the wine bottle and easily removing the cork. “Sit” He stated while pouring the wine. He passed me a glass before lifting up his own and clinking them together, “To good decisions”
“To good decisions” I saluted him. So he had gotten rid of Tom for this reason alone. The aroma of pizza tickled my nose and my lack of food over the past two days now seemed to have caught up with me. I grabbed one of the cheesy slices and devoured it in no time at all. We ate our pizza and drank our wine with only each other’s company. Ray didn’t seem to mind not having anything showing on the television and was content to eat and drink with only me as a distraction.
Once I couldn’t fit anymore pizza in, I settled onto my fourth glass of wine. The alcohol had begun to relax me and the nervous thoughts that had been running through my mind since yesterday seemed like nothing worth worrying about now. “Ray... I think it’s about time to stop delaying what you so obviously need to talk about” Wow, the wine really made me bold.
He looked at me with amusement, his eyes flicking from my wine glass to me and he chuckled. “You’re not much of a drinker I take it?” I shook my head, maybe a little too much, while chirping ‘nope’ happily. He sighed but continued talking, “Seychelles-“
“Why do you always call me Seychelles?” I interrupted him.
“Everyone else calls me Shell... but you always call me either a nick name or Seychelles. Why is that?”
He removed my wine glass from my finger tips and placed it gently on my coffee table. “Because that’s your name. It’s beautiful and unique... just like you. Shells, they can be found anywhere and everywhere on the beach. But you my beautiful, partially drunk Seychelles are one in a billion. There’s nothing else like you”
I blinked and swayed a little. “You’re very sweet”
“Thank you. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about. Seychelles, I think the moment’s come for us to consider what I’m going to do...” Ray left the sentence hanging, as though he didn’t know what to do or say.
“Well, I know what I want you to do” I stated matter of factly.
His eyes darted to mine with what looked like hope beaming in his eyes, “Yes?”
I leaned close, “I want you to be happy, Ray. It doesn’t matter to me what you do in the end because, in the end, it’s what will make you most happy”
His face dropped, “It doesn’t matter to you?”
“No, Ray. This is your life. Technically we only met a few months ago and why else would you stay behind? You passed your physical, so physically there isn’t any reason for you to do as you choose; stay or go”
“And this is how you feel, Seychelles. Nothing else on the matter?” I shook my head, holding my bold tongue from shouting that I would rather him stay than leave me behind as nothing else but a memory. “Do... do you want me to stay?”
I could feel his eyes burning into me but I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or his gaze. “Well, sure. You’ve been a wonderful friend since meeting you, you’ve saved my life and made me understand my body very well, as well as yours... to a point”
“...and what if I decided to leave?” He asked me quietly and slowly. His eyes burned into mine but I looked away.
“I would be happy for you, Ray. If you decided to go back to the Air Force I would be proud and happy for you, because it’s what makes you happy”
He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it quickly as though he changed his mind. “Then, I guess it’s settled...”
I refused to look into his eyes... this was the moment. This was the decision that would change my life. I tried to make my answers as unbiased as possible, but in the end it was up to Ray what he chose to do in his life. “And what’s your decision...?”
“If it’s what makes you happy and proud of me... I guess it’s settled... that I return to the Air Force”
Just like that my heart stopped. I felt it drop down into my stomach and dissolve into nothing. He was leaving, his choice was to leave me and go back to the Air Force. To most likely forget me. Silence fell over us like a blanket, but unlike the warmth and comfort that a blanket would normally bring I felt cold and alone. I didn’t want him to leave me and just forget what we had and shared. I closed my eyes and felt the tears that were impossible to keep at bay stream down my face. Warm trickles of salty water warmed my face, but I wore a smiling mask as I hugged Ray, murmuring that I was proud of him.
“Seychelles look at me” I didn’t. “Look at me, Seychelles... please”
I lifted my eyes to his and blurted out what I wanted right now, “Make love to me... make love to me, Ray Hodges”
I could see the pulse in Ray’s neck beating madly while his jaw clenched and his eyes darted over my face. “I can’t” He whispered.
“No! Ray, I will not let you tell me ‘no’ again! Please-“
“Not like this, Seychelles. You’re drunk, I won’t let your first time be when you’re under the influence of alcohol” He looked outside and I followed his gaze. The clouds had parted minutely showing the small sprinkling of stars. “Come on, we’re going for a walk...”
He pulled me up and I tripped slightly. He popped his phone into his jean pocket and together we strode outside and down onto the deserted beach. I missed the feeling of sand between my toes and the feel of it sobered me slightly. Ray took out his phone and flicked through it for a minute before a soft jazzy song filled the quiet night. Guitar strings were plucked before a woman’s voice began to sing a melancholy song. Soon a saxophone joined her and as it did Ray spun me around and began slow dancing with me. Just like that one night we danced so many months ago at the town bonfire.
As the song continued, I could feel the emotion of the song fill me. It was like a goodbye song, filled of sorrow and yet happy outcomes for the future. Ray twirled me and I found myself becoming more and more sober as the fresh air soothed me. As the song reached its climax and the saxophone took over its solo Ray dipped me, my hair touching the sand, and kept me there.
“Are you sure?” He whispered as he trailed his nose up the length of my exposed neck and looked into my eyes.
My eyes traced over every contour of his beautiful face, the shadows, the scars and the dimples that would reveal themselves with his grimace as he swallowed. “I couldn’t be any more certain, Ray” I whispered back.
With me still dipped and my arms loosely around his neck, he lifted up my shirt. As it reached my brea$ts he slowly brought me to stand before him, our eyes never once leaving the other. He pulled my shirt up and my lifted my arms up to allow him to take it off. In the background, I heard the song repeat itself, but my attention was brought back by him when he easily unclipped my bra. It mutely fell to the sand and Ray lifted his arms up for me to remove his shirt as well.
Both of us were naked from the waist up, but I knew I wouldn’t have to wait too before the rest was gone as well. Ray caressed my shoulder and bent down to kiss along it as well. My eyes fluttered closed as he gently kissed across my collar bone to my other shoulder, while his hands glided down the dip of my waist to the flare of my hips. Without stopping, he pulled my cotton shorts and panties down over my thighs and when they reached my knees I kicked them off.
“Your turn” He whispered against the base of my throat as he licked the dip between my collar bones. I bit my lip and unbuttoned his jeans, followed by the zipper and soon disposed of his jeans and boxers as well. Together we stood naked under the hazy moonlight with the saxophone of the jazz song playing in the background. “Never, in my entire life, have I ever seen anything as beautiful as you, Seychelles. Your skin, your face, your brea$ts, your stomach, your hips, your thighs and all the way down to your pretty feet...” With everything he ticked off he kissed down to the apex of my thighs.
He kissed me there and instinctively my hands flew to his shoulders to steady myself. “Shh Beauty, I’ll get to you in a moment” He stood back up and suddenly lifted me into his arms. “Right now... I want us to go for a swim”
“Swi-? Ray... no”
“Shh... trust me” He calmed me before bringing his firm lips to mine in a heart stopping kiss. He carried me to the water and slowly we waded deeper and deeper into the sea until the water lapped at our chests. After all the rain the water wasn’t as cold, it was a comfortable temperature but it quickly heated up around us as our kisses became more urgent, more wanting! I felt one of his hands trail down my spine, over my hips and between my legs. I moaned into his mouth as he began to massage my bud gently.
The waves swayed us gently but Ray kept us still as our lips and tongues tangled together. He first entered one finger, and then another, before adding yet another into me and began to pump his fingers. My breathing became harsh and ragged and soon I had to break our kiss. I bent down and sucked on his neck, biting hard as my inner muscles grabbed at Ray’s fingers.
“One last chance, Seychelles... are you sure?” Ray whispered harshly as he lined his heavily throbbing and hot er*ction at my entrance. I moaned as he took the head and rubbed it in a circle around my bud over and over again. “Tell me Beauty... tell me what you want”
“You! Oh Ray, please! Yes, I want you! Yes!” I cried. His fingers were back inside me and pumping furiously, I was rapidly building up to my climax and soon I was exploding around his fingers. My pleasure was cut off quickly as Ray murmured something incomprehensible and thrust his er*ction quickly into me. A sharp pain, unlike anything I’d felt before, shot through me and I whimpered.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry baby. It’ll stop hurting soon... I’m sorry, I’m sorry” Ray murmured into my ear. He slowly began to thrust into me and, though it hurt at first, the pain was quickly subsiding and was overcome by a pleasure so intense I was moaning like a wanton woman.
“Oh my God! Ray! Yes! Ah!” I moaned. His lips caught mine again and he thrust gently into me. Suddenly trickles of rain began to fall from the cloudy sky but neither of us cared. As the rain increased so did the urgency of Ray’s thrusts. He pounded harder, thrusted faster and I met him for every stroke. It was too much, too much pleasure and I wasn’t sure if I could handle it. “Ray! I’m going to come! I don’t think I can handle this Ray! It’s too good! Too much!”
Ray pounded harder and faster still, “Just feel it Beauty, remember? Just feel it, and let go. Ah! I’m so close... I’m going to- Ah sh*t! Seychelles, come for me! Call my name, come for me!”
His words undid me and I screamed Ray’s name as a pleasure so intense and so acute wracked my body. My screams were lost in the rain and I clung tightly to Ray. Ray cursed and pumped one, two , three more times before pulling out and climaxing with my name being repeated on his lips.
For a while Ray just stood in the water with me wrapped around him as the waves churned around us and the rain splattered over us. “Thank you, Seychelles” He finally panted, “What you just gave me was the most amazing gift you could ever give me”
I kissed him, my tears of happiness lost in the rain, “It was beautiful, Ray. I’m proud to call you my first”
He beamed and hugged me tightly, “Are you tired?”
I shook my head, “Not really. But maybe it hasn’t hit me yet”
“Good,” His eyes held mine with raw intensity, “Because I’m nowhere near done with you”
Choice made AND love made!
Boom chika wah wah!
The song I described was the lyrics I wrote at the beginning and I was actually listening to it on repeat as I wrote the beach scene. It’s very fitting and worth listening to. Currently one of my favourite songs, though it could be old... I dunno. I love jazz music <3
Anyhoo, what do you think is gonna happen? I love hearing what your minds are imagining.
So, as some of you may have seen, I’ve recently came to the random idea of sharing part of my private life with you all, should you wish to view it, by giving you my instagram uh... name? Profile? I dunno what it’s called. --> vovnix <-- That’s my username anyhoo, and you’re not obliged to follow me, it’s just if you randomly wonder “Hmm, I wonder what that Nix chick is up to?” haha.
Anyhoo... it’s like 2am here and I’m dead exhausted but totally wanted to get this up. Note, I actually was going to end the chapter when Seychelles said “Make love to me”, but thought... meh might as well put it all in together. Haha!
Show me some love my lovelies!