It started at the beginning of my sophomore year. I had already known you, but sophomore year changed my perspective of you. It made me see you in a whole new light.
I was sitting in history, it was silent as I heard the teacher drone on and on, on some stupid project that was due at the end of the week. I remember thinking, ‘I need a distraction or break. GIVE ME ANYTHING!’ Then you busted into history class with your little group of friends, which became a daily thing I looked forward to because as you guys were being pushed/dragged out you would interrupt and invade my thoughts with your dorky smile.
I grew closer to you because your female circle of friends was also my circle of friends, and through these friends, I found out that you were extremely smart, funny, and charming. If anyone was upset you would do anything to make us laugh or smile, and you wouldn’t stop till we did.
I ignored it and tried to focus on my school work, and I always thought you wouldn’t have liked me, so I ignored it. I ignored the growing feelings in my chest, and buried my face further into my books.
I talked to you a lot more during my junior year. We both played soccer and would often have to walk to practice after school together along with our other friends, but I would only pay attention to you. During practice, I would look out the corner of my eyes just to catch a glimpse of you practicing and I felt more butterflies enter my stomach.
The more I talked to you I found out you were always thinking, it might’ve not been the greatest or well thought out, but you were always thinking. You had a unique point of view and thought process, but I loved it. The way you would stutter and stumble over your words, it made it better when you got your sentence out because I couldn’t wait to hear what you had to say next, as I waited more butterflies entered my stomach.
Then when I went to a conference and you wanted to visit your guy friends, but they just waved you off and left you in the cold lobby of the hotel. I took it upon myself to go see you. I got food and then the two of us snuck back into my hotel room laughing as the chaperone opened the door from his room to see what all that commotion was about. He came to my room the jig was up and I had to tell you to get out of your hiding spot, laughing as I did so. I had never felt more alive in my life. I called you after to make sure you got home safely as you were walking we joked about how the next time you were going to sneak into the hotel differently.
I didn’t wanna stop spending time with you. This however was your senior year, this was my last year seeing you. I wouldn’t get to see you every day anymore, it saddened me but I didn’t say a thing. I was trying to take in every moment we had together. It’s better to live in the present, because it’s a gift.
Our last soccer match came. The girl’s team lost, but you guys won. There were so much cheering and excitement, but I could only focus on your face and your cheering. I only saw you.
Then graduation came around, you walked across that stage with pride, with your head lifted up high, and your shoulders squared I couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped my lips. When class photos were called for, again all I could see was you, and only you. You survived high school and were moving onto the next milestone; College.
It was/is my senior year. I can’t stop thinking about you. I distract myself with writing and drawing, but that only leads to distracting thoughts of you, just the mention of your name gets me excited.
I’m at work talking to some friends and say, “You remember Darren Mercedes, the senior that graduated last year? Yea I’ve liked him since sophomore year.” It took me a minute to truly process the fact that I admitted out loud that I liked you.
I thought about it for a while and honestly, it made me bubbly just thinking of your name. I let you consume my mind, but not too much, but also too much. You are always on my mind. Without knowing it, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about you.
My friends keep telling me to tell you of feelings but I wouldn’t even know the words to use to tell you how I truly feel. That maybe-
“Kalina Eden!” I snap my eyes upward to see my best friend narrowing her eyes at me, I take an airpod out with a raised eyebrow.
“Is that all you have to say for yourself? I was telling you how much I love you because you brought me food, but now I hate you, you stupid trick ass bitch.” She ended with two middle fingers right in my face.
I gave a half-baked smile at her, “Yea sorry about that Yasmine, if you would excuse me, I need to use the bathroom, see you in Chemistry.” I close my notebook and walk to one of the single stalled bathrooms, close the door, and slide down against it looking at my notebook.
I kept a notebook of everything I thought and felt about Darren Mercedes. Everything in this notebook was about him. I know that would creep someone out, but it helps me get it out of my system. There's so much already going on in my senior year and my mind just needs a break, so filtering what I need and don't need makes my life easier.