(AN- Warning, graphically disturbing content in the end! Ignore if not comfortable. And no, its not smut. Not yet atleast..)
I find nature yet again rewarding me with my favourite yet the most painful part of the day.
This is the time where I come out on the balcony and....think. Reminisce. Repent. Proving that no amount of repentance would change the person I used to be.
The cycle keeps repeating.
The cycle could've been beautiful. But it was me. I ruined it. I caused this upon myself. And somewhere in this whole wide world, I caused more pain to another gem of a person. I shut my eyes shuddering at the thought of him.
Besides, he isnt the only one I caused pain to...
As I opened my eyes, a tear drop rolled down my cheek and unlike the other times, I let it flow silently.
Its been 3 years, but the pain and guilt seem to be increasing second by second. And I want it that way. I dont want to be happy. I want to suffer. I should not be freed from the painful clutch of Karma.
There are multiple kind of reaction I recieve from the people who know me.
Only countable amount of people feel sorry for me. The rest would even burn me alive if they had the chance to. Cant blame them. I would want the same if I was them. I was such a person.
I looked up at the moon with my tear filled eyes, "If only I could turn back time..", I whispered as I looked down before walking back into the house and into my room.
I sat on my bed and laid down on my sides and faced my window which I leave open, so that the breeze would dominate the heat.
Why not just switch ON the fan?
You may ask. A chuckle escaped my lips even at the mere thought of fan. I live in an old rent house, struggling to pay the rent and bills. I live a life where I cant even buy a toy fan for myself.
As I faced the window, my eyes were plastered on the moon, which is the only source of light in my room. I dont know why, but looking at the moon, always manages to calm the inner turmoil I feel. One look at the moon, and Im calm.
And I know why..
My head sassed and I fisted the sheets under my palm as my memory was hit with another dose of my painful past. I could feel karma smirking at me.
I could feel Karma asking, "you really thought I could let you sleep like that huh?", and the laughter of karma, kept me up all night until eventually me head had enough for the day, letting me doze off.
I heard an adorable voice calling me. My heart jumped as a huge grin appeared on my face. I yearned to hear that voice.
"Momma?", the same voice called me again and I sobbed in happiness as I ran around frantically to find where the voice was coming from.
I was calling for the voice but no sound was coming from my lips. Still I kept running around like a mad woman looking for the voice.
"Momma here!", I heard a squeel and I turned around with a grin but it immediately vanished as I suddenly found myself locked inside a cage. A jail!
I yelled out for someone to get me out of the jail but no sound came out of my mouth. I cried but stopped when I saw an adorable child with brown curls big blue eyes crawling towards me, "Momma", he called me as he looked up at me with the cutest big eyes ever melting my heart as the tears fell down freely.
"My baby..", I whispered crying as I knelt down to take a closer look at my child. The cage was seperating me from my child but all I could see was my baby looking at me with an adorable toothless grin on his face. Happy tears were rolling down my eyes as I tried to stop grinning, but couldnt. I was ecstatic to meet my child. He called me mom! What more would I need?
I put my hands out of the railings of the cage, trying to hold my baby but furrowed my eyebrows as I couldnt reach him. He is near me! My baby is near me! Why cant I touch him!
I leaned further into the cage trying to reach him but there he sat clapping, giggling and squeeling adorable nothings at me, making me laugh along with him through my tears, "God please let me touch my baby", I cried, all of a sudden finding my lost voice!
I laughed with him ignoring the tears rolling down my face at his adorable giggles he was rewarding me with.
As I struggled harder to reach him crying and pleading, I heard laughters around me making me turn my head around to find my mom and dad laughing at me struggling to reach my child.
I cried harder as I saw them, "Mom! Da-",
"Dont you dare! You've lost all rights to call us that!", both of them screamed at me making me shut my ears with both my hands as their sound hurt my ear and head. The sound was impossibly loud and painful.
"Dont say that please..", I cried vigorously, "Im sorry..", I kept on wailing.
"Cry! Cry harder!", they yelled and I cried begging for their forgiveness.
"Momma no boo-hoo", my wailing haulted as I looked to my left to see my baby smiling at me. I grinned through my cries as I once again tried to reach him.
But this time, I saw my baby going away from me, slowly with that same adorable smile plastered on his face. I shook my head, "No please no!! No!! No!! Please dont do this!", I looked up to see my parents too are fading behind with a glare on their faces, "Dont go!! Please!! Dont go away from me!! Im sorry!! God no!", I cried as I struggled to get out of the cage to prevent them from going.
I cried harder helplessly as they all were on the verge of disappearing, "Dont go..please", I cried holding the cage.
"Suffer Althea! Suffer!", thats what I last heard from my parents as they completely vanished, "NOOO!!!!! COME BACK TO ME PLEASE!!!", I cried hitting on the cage.
"MOMMAAAAAAAAAAA!!!", I shut my ears again with my hands as the ear-piercing cry from my baby was heard. The sound of his cry agonized me physically. I looked up to see my baby whose smile was now replaced with the look terror.
The next thing that happened made me yell out of my lungs. My baby's limbs were being torn away from him as his cries got louder.
"NOOOOOO!!!! SOMEBODY STOP IT!!! NOO!!!!!!!! GOD STOP THIS!!!!!!", I screamed back with all my might hoping they would stop but one by one my baby was being torn away parts by parts. I couldnt even close my eyes! I was forced to watch my child dieing!!
I cried harder, trying to break the cage, "PLEASEE!!!!! STOP THIS!!!!", And finally, another scream was heard from my baby.
"MOMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!", This time it was louder than before making me yell out in agony and I looked up at him to see him looking at me with the same smile making me clutch on the cage with hope until that smile vanished and his head was pulled away from his neck with an earth-shattering scream from him.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!", I screamed as loudly as possible as I cried harder shutting my ears unable to bear the mental and physical pain of all this. My cries got louder as I lost sight of my baby but my eyes widened as I saw the ever so familiar cold blue eyes glaring at me, making my heart stop-
"NOOOOOO!!!!!", I sprung up from the bed, panting like I ran miles as I clutched onto my head as it pounded.
"No...my baby...no", I spoke subconsciously as I looked around my surrounding to see I was in my bedroom. No cage. No baby. No parents. Not the haunting eyes of him.
I touched my face to see it was drenched with tears. The scream of my baby was still echoing in my ears as I clutched my ears, crying, "Please...make it stop...", I cried.
"My baby..", I couldnt stop crying as his innocent face which I saw in my dream kept popping infront of my eyes.
I shut my ears, "Stop please!!! Please!! Make it stop!! Make it stop!!", I cried as his scream was echoing in my ears.
I could just feel karma saying, "Thats what you get for sleeping"
"Mistakes are forgiven, Sins are punished.."