Caring Christopher

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#40 Saying a secret goodbye


“Are you sure?” Brittany asks for the millionth time. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

I’m already uploading my resumé to the website that I usually go through when I look for a new nanny job. I’ve spotted three position nearby I would be perfect for. They will never be as good as my current job, and Chris pays me more than I will earn anywhere else, but that’s okay. I’ve got some money saved up – not much, but enough to pay for mom’s medication the upcoming months.

“Abby?” Davy calls out from the playground we’re at, watching the boys play. “Can we get ice cream?”

“We’re going to have dinner in an hour,” I remind him with a small smile. Damn, I’m going to miss this kid when I leave. Watching him pout, trying to get me to cave… It breaks my heart to know that after my doctor’s appointment tomorrow, I won’t be able to stay. I wish I could, but I knew that I was ending my time with Chris and the boys the day I called the doctor to get an appointment for a genetic test.

“I still think you’re being stupid,” Britty says quietly, making sure Yoah and Davy won’t hear us. “Chris made is pretty clear that he’s all in. Why would you leave?”

“You know why.”

I’ve already explained to her five times in the past hour that the moment I find out for sure that I will get early-onset Alzheimer’s, I need to pack my bags and get the hell out of Christopher’s house. He is not going to leave me, I know he won’t, so it’ll have to be me to make the tough decision. I don’t want to – part of me wants to stay in denial so I can keep being his girlfriend and pretend I have a future ahead of me where I marry him and adopt the boys, but that’s just not possible. It wouldn’t be fair to them. The whole reason I’m taking this test is because I think Christopher and the boys deserve better than me. I don’t want to know, not really, but at the same time I can’t keep Chris in the dark.

“Don’t you think it should be up to Christopher whether or not he wants to be with you?” Brittany asks, taking my hand in hers. “He loves you. And you love him.”

“Yes,” I agree, staring out onto the playground with tears in my eyes. “I do. Which is exactly why I need to leave. If I stay, he will convince me that he’s up for the challenge, that we can make things work. And then he’ll be stuck with a wife with Alzheimer’s and the boys will have an adoptive mother who doesn’t even remember ever adopting them. I can’t do that to them, Brittany. I know how much it sucks to have a mother like that, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.”

“Still, if he says he wants to be with you…” Brittany trails of, sighing when she realizes I’m not going to listen to anything she says. “Do you really have to stop working for him, though? You could always go back to being the nanny.”

I laugh bitterly, no joy in my heart whatsoever. “I was never just the nanny, Brittany. I fell in love with him early on, and we’ve both been acting like we were together long before we first kissed. I’m never going to be able to just be his employee or even his friend. If I can’t be with him the way I want to be, I’d rather not be in his life at all. I’ve only been here for three and a half months. The boys and Chris deserve a clean break. The longer I stay, the worse it’ll be when I eventually start forgetting little things, until I no longer know who they are.”

“Abby, you don’t even have the results yet,” Britty says, her high-pitched voice breaking as she pulls and shaky hand through her long blonde hair. She’s been my best friend since we were 18, and she’s been through so much shit with me already. I get that she wants to see me happy, but I already know it’s not going to happen. I’ve enjoyed these past two weeks, living in denial, soaking up all the happiness I can before I leave. Tonight I will say goodbye to the boys and Chris in my heart, and I will pack my bags tomorrow. I can’t tell them to their faces that I’m out. They will never let me go quietly. I will just… leave them a note or something.

“We both know the test will come back positive,” I tell her quietly. “The odds have never been with me. Not once. Tomorrow won’t be any different.”

“What if it is?”

I shrug. “It won’t be.”

“But what if it is?” Britt insists, her intent gaze on me, trying to convince me it will be all be alright. “What if you don’t have the gene? What will you do then?”

A spark of hope ignites within me, and I shove it down immediately. I can’t risk it. I can’t let that spark turn into a fire, because it will burn me alive when I get the test results back and realize I was right all along.

“Okay,” Brittany says when she sees I can’t even answer her question. “I know. I will shut up. Just know that… I think you deserve happiness and love no matter the results, and I will always be your friend. Jaxon too. Even if you decide to shut out Chris – which will be the biggest mistake of your life, just saying – Jaxon and I are not going to let you do that to us. We’ll be there, even if you don’t want us to be there.”

Part of me knows that I should cut her out of my life as well, along with her husband, but I can’t. They’re the only friends I’ve got, and even I can’t stand the thought of being completely alone in this cruel world. Besides, they will be sad when I get sick eventually, but it won’t crush them the way it would hurt Chris, Jagger, Yoah and Davy.

“Abby?” Yoah is standing in front of me, giving me a searching look. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” I lie, faking a smile. “Go back to the swings. I’m just tired.”

He doesn’t seem convinced and puts a hand on my shoulder, looking at me with those dark green eyes that have far too much wisdom in them. “It’ll be okay,” he says before taking off to play with Davy.

“The boy is right,” Britt says, squeezing my hand. “It’ll be okay, Abby.”


I go to bed early, right after reading the kids their stories. I’m too tired and sad to pretend I’m watching TV or reading a book. Jagger is in his bedroom – probably with Celeste, but I can’t be bothered to check up on them right now – and Christopher is downstairs, prepping lunches for the boys to take to school tomorrow. And I’m in bed. Alone. I’d better get used to being alone, because starting tomorrow I will have to go back to the way I used to live before I met Christopher.

“Hey,” Chris’ kind voice sounds from the hallway, and he steps in, locking the door behind me. He pulls his shirt over his head and throws it on a chair.

“It’s early,” I say, sitting up to look at him. “You don’t have to go to bed just because I’m sleepy.”

“You’re not sleepy,” he says as he finishes undressing and moves to the bathroom to brush his teeth. “You’re nervous about tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” I admit. “I am.” Little does he know that it’s not the results I’m anxious about. I can feel in my gut that I’ve got the gene. What I’m dreading is having to pack my bags without any noticing, and taking off without saying goodbye.

Chris gets into bed with me in nothing but his boxershorts and he pulls me against him, kissing me softly. “I’ll be okay. Whatever the outcome, we will get through it together. I’m so proud of you for being so brave.”

“I love you,” I murmur, trying not to cry. “So much.” I will miss you like hell, I add in my head. You’re the best person I’ve ever met, and I wish I could stay with you. I wish I was worthy of you.

“I love you too,” he says, kissing me again. “Can you promise me one thing, Abby?”

“What?” I ask, my heart skipping a beat.

“Don’t shut me out,” he pleads. “I know you’re used to going through things on your own and staying strong even when you’ve got every reason to break down. This time around, could you just… let me in? Let me be there for you?”

“Sure,” I lie, already knowing I will break this promise in less than 24 hours. “I can do that.”

We kiss again, and he groans when I move my hand down his body, into his shorts, cupping his cock. This is our last night together and I want to make it count. I want to remember the two of us being in love, becoming one, being in perfect synch. I will forget all about him eventually, but until them, I want to make sure I’ve got as many good memories as possible to replay over and over again in my head.

“I need you,” I breathe into his ear, feeling him grow rock-hard in my hand immediately. I kiss my way down his body and pull off his shorts, wrapping my lips around his cock and taking him into my mouth as far as he can possibly go, almost gagging from it.

“Oh,” Chris groans, moving his hands into my hair to pull it out of my face.

When I glance up at him while I blow him, I see him giving me that marveling look of love that he always wears when I take the initiative to sleep with him, like he can’t believe I truly want him. The idea that this is our last time hurts too much to think about, so I push the thought down, lock it in a box, and throw away the key. I should enjoy this while it last.

Just like every other time, I get turned on by the taste of his precum and the way he grunts. I moan around him, already imagining him inside of me.

“Turn around,” he orders, sounding breathless. “Let me taste you.”

Oh fuck, sixty-nine? Really? We haven’t done that before, but I’m sure as hell up for it. I keep him in my mouth, maneuvering my body so my legs are on either side of his face. He groans against my wet pussy and runs his tongue over me, making me cry out while I’ve still got his cock in his mouth, which in turn makes him lap his tongue over me quicker. I remember that I need to be quiet for the kids’ sake, but it’s more difficult than ever to do so.

Christopher gabs my ass and pulls me down, his mouth moving up until his tongue flicks over my puckered little hole, making me gasp at the new sensation. I don’t know why I’m so turned on by him touching and licking that taboo place, but we both know I love it when we try something new back there. Ever since that first time with the anal beads, we’ve been trying out new sex toys, mostly on me. I’ve already had four different sizes of butt plugs inside of me the past weeks, and we’ve been using bigger beads as well. I fucking love it.

“Ah,” I moan when he inserts two fingers into my pussy while he keeps flicking his tongue against my hole, causing my whole body to shudder.

Suddenly, Chris pushes me off him, causing me to flop onto the matrass unceremoniously. He leans over the edge of the bed to open his nightstand, taking out the lube and the bigger anal beads we used last time. I’m moaning already, even though he’s not touching me yet. He knows how to make me crazy better than anyone before him. He’s the only guy who has ever truly cared about finding out what I like. The first person I’ve ever truly loved. And I already know he will be my last. Even after I leave tomorrow, I won’t ever find anyone like him ever again.

Honestly, I don’t even want to try to find someone new. Chris is it for me.

“On your hands and knees,” Chris orders, flipping me over with a small smirk and grabbing my ass to position me the way he wants. I stick my ass up into the air, my face pressed into the pillow to muffle the moans I know he’ll force from me soon enough. He asks me if I’m sure I want this, and I assure him that I do, loving how he always checks with me before doing something to me. No matter how loud I moan and how obvious it is that I like what he does to me, he always asks me anyway, wanting verbal consent before going to town.

Who knew a guy asking for consent is a powerful aphrodisiac?

I grunt into the pillow when he starts working on my clit with his fingers, pushing me over the edge within just a few minutes. My entire body shudders when I come, and I almost slip right into a second orgasm when I feel the first bead pressed against my puckered hole, the lube making it slide in easily.

“I want you inside of me,” I plead, needing more.

Christopher pushes into my dripping wet pussy right away, grunting softly. He pushes the other three beads in right after, making my walls clench around him so hard that I can tell he has to focus not to blow already.

“You’re so tight,” he breathes, trusting into me slowly and carefully a few times before pausing to play with the beads in my ass.

“I bet I’m even tighter back there,” I moan, my fingers clawing at the blankets. “Would you…?”

“Tell me what you want,” Christopher says, sounding like he already knows what I’m about to ask him.

“Fuck my ass, Chris,” I pant, stifling a moan when he pulls out the beads in one swift motion. “I want you so bad.”

“Sure?” he asks, pushing in his thumb, driving me even crazier. “You know I want to, Abby. I want to conquer your tight little hole so badly.”

“Fuck me,” I plead. “Please, Chris.”

He pulls out of my pussy, leaving me feeling empty. He takes a moment to lube up, and plays with my clit until I’m worked into a frenzy, ready to come all over his fingers.

“Breathe,” he tells me when he stops, using both of his hands to spread me wide for him and pushing his cock against my hole. The beads and his thumb stretched me out a bit already, but I still gasp in surprise when the first inch of him forces its way in. He tells me to breathe over and over again, willing me to relax enough to allow him to push into me further.

I feel like a virgin all over again. I haven’t felt this full since that first painful experience of having sex with my high school boyfriend for the first time. This isn’t quite as painful, but it is uncomfortable at first. Christopher takes his time to let me get used to him, and he rubs my clit slowly, causing my body to let the slight pain mix with pleasure until only the latter remains.

“Good?” he asks when I moan softly, pressing my ass harder against him.

“Yes,” I say hoarsely. “For you?”

“So. Fucking. Good.” He sounds more out of control than I’ve ever heard him, but his movements are as careful as ever. Chris would never allow himself to give into his primal urges in a position like this, because he knows he might hurt me. His kind nature is exactly why I’m so comfortable with him, so ready to give everything I am to him, to let him take every single way we can think of, including the way he is right now.

“Fuck me,” I plead, needing some friction. “Please.”

Finally, he starts moving, trusting in and out in a slow, steady pace. Now that I’m no longer uncomfortable, it feels so fucking good. Nerves that I didn’t even knew I had are tingling, causing me to cry out into the pillow, begging him to take me harder.

“You feel so good,” Chris pants, fucking me faster now. “Can you come like this or do you need more from me?”

“I don’t know,” I moan, unable to form coherent thoughts.

Chris moves one hand between my legs, rubbing my clit while he keeps pounding me. When he pushes two fingers into my pussy, it’s all I can do to try and muffle my screams in the pillow, my entire body shuddering.

“Harder,” I order when I manage to choke out the word.

Immediately, he lets his primal needs take over as he fucks me so hard that I don’t even know what’s up and what’s down anymore. My entire body convulses when he pushes me over the edge with a deep thrust. It’s like every single part of my body is having an orgasm so intense that I feel like I might faint.

“Oh!” Chris grunts when he comes, his cock twitching inside of me.

We both collapse onto the bed when we’re done, and he pulls out of me carefully, both of us gasping as he does. It feels weird back there, but not in a bad way. Nothing about this was bad. Nothing at all.

“You okay?” he asks, kissing me softly as he pulls me against his chest.

“Yeah,” I pant, trying to catch my breath. “That… was… amazing.”

“We’re definitely doing that again,” he agrees with a sigh. “I didn’t think it would feel like that. I don’t know what I expected, but it was even hotter than I imagined it would be.”

A part of me dies inside when he says he wants to do this again. I do too, but this is our last night together. We’ll never get to do this again, no matter how much I wish we could.

“Hey,” he whispers when I start to cry. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” I whimper. “No, I’m just… I love you so much, Chris.”

“Love you too, baby,” he says, kissing my tear-stained face over and over until I finally calm down. “Come on, let’s take a shower together,” he decides, pulling me with him out of bed and into the ensuite bathroom.

I smile a little, knowing that while he loves anal play, he always wants to scrub himself clean after. I don’t mind – I know he doesn’t think I’m dirty or anything, but he likes to make sure he’s clean before getting back in bed to fall asleep. We usually shower together after trying something new, and this was very much a new thing, so I knew he’d want to shower with me.

Just like every single time we shower together, he washes every inch of my body, massaging the soap into my hair and skin with so much love that I feel like the most beautiful and lucky woman in the world. We kiss a lot as well, and I try to commit the feel and taste of him to my memory. After a while, we both get aroused again, and he fucks me against the wall of the shower until we come together one last time.

It’s the perfect last night, but also the worst, because it makes me wish I could stay with him forever.

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