#71 Shared sorrow
That’s what I am.
I just can’t get over it. It took me years to finally find the perfect woman for me, and to convince her that she’s worthy of being loved. I finally got the big house, with the dog, and three lovely kids. I have an engagement ring on my finger, I have a group of wonderful friends, and they’re all coming to the wedding in little over a month. Still, I don’t seem to be able to get back to being happy.
Things were a lot simpler when I didn’t know Abby is infertile.
What I hate most is that she seems to be fine. No, that’s not what I mean. Of course I want her to be fine, but it also sucks that I feel like I’m going through this alone. Battling my grief with her. I wanted a baby with her so much, to watch her belly grow, feel the first kick, watching him or her get born… I wanted it all. I still want that. And I’m never going to get it.
I’m not often angry, but I’m fuming now. Life is so fucking unfair. It makes no sense. Abby is so good, so sweet, so lovely, and yet she never seems to able to catch a break in this wretched universe. I want to give her the world, but I don’t seem to have that power. It doesn’t matter that my sperm works just fine, or that I’ve got a shitload of money in the back to buy her the best fertility treatments out there. Her body just isn’t able to carry a baby.
Abby has been tested again and again, but there’s nothing to be done. She’ll have some minor surgery to take out some cysts that will soon start to hurt her, but other than that, nothing needs to be done. There is a tiny little chance that with some medication, she’d be able to start ovulation again, but Amanda Gio and her colleagues who specialize in fertility treatments doubt that she’ll have many viable eggs. She’d need intense treatment and even then, it would still take a miracle. Even if she would turn out to be that one in a million miracle – which with her luck, she’ll never be – Abby still wouldn’t be able to carry a kid to term. Her uterus is too fucked up for that.
We’ve talked about a surrogate, but we’re both not sure how we feel about that. Abby doesn’t seem too eager to go down that route. Amanda was clear about our chances: slim to none, even with a surrogate. It might take years, and it would be hell for Abby. Of course, Abby immediately told me that if I want to do that, she will do whatever she needs to so I can get my biological child, even though it’s obvious she’d rather not.
I’m not sure what to do about that. I’m pretty sure Abby doesn’t care about having a biological child. Sure, she’d have loved to have one with me, but she’s not all that broken up about only being able to foster or adopt. In a way, I feel selfish for even considering asking her to try. I’d be forcing her to watch another woman carry her baby. The baby she wanted to feel inside of her, growing, moving, kicking… Abby is fine now, but having to see that… I’m not sure what that would do to her.
Besides, it wouldn’t be the same. It’s not so much about biology or genetics for me. I wanted to see Abby pregnant with my kid, not some random surrogate. I want to rub her belly, massage away her backaches, help her up and down the stairs when her feet get swollen and painful. I want to have sex with her while having to work around her belly. To watch her glow with that beautiful pregnant lady glow.
It’s not just about having a kid for me. I wanted the pregnancy. The whole thing of feeling like we were creating life together. It won’t be the same way with a surrogate. Besides… who would we even ask to do that for us? I can’t think of a single person who I’d feel comfortable with to do something so huge for us. I wouldn’t feel right to ask any of my female friends, and neither would Abby. Besides, some of them are pregnant themselves, or just had a kid. And I don’t want to find a surrogate I don’t know. That would be too weird for me.
“Ready?” Abby asks, walking into the living room in a beautiful yellow sundress. She twirls around, laughing at how her skirt bellows. “God, I love this dress.”
“You look beautiful,” I say, getting up from the couch and shaking off my weird mood. Or well, I try to, but I can see in Abby’s eyes that she knows I’m still not doing all that great.
“It’s okay,” she tells me, pulling me against her soft, curvy body. “It’s okay not to be okay.”
She tells me that every single time she sees I’m struggling, and she never grows impatient with me. She cries with me when I get especially upset at night in bed, and she pulls her fingers through my hair in that soothing way of hers until I fall asleep. She picks up the slack with the kids when I can’t go on anymore, and she sits with me in silence when I don’t feel like talking. She’s a goddamn saint.
“I love you so much,” I murmur into her hair, choking up.
“I know, honey,” she breathes, her lips brushing my cheek. “Love you too. I’m so happy I’ve got you.”
Oh damn, there come the waterworks again. I’m such a pussy.
She smiles through her own tears, trying to keep them at bay. “I just did my make-up,” she complains, taking a deep steadying breath.
“I’m sorry I’m such a downer,” I grunt, pulling myself back together.
“Chris, it’s okay,” she assures me, reaching up to pull my face down to hers. We kiss gently at first, but then she moans into me and grabs my ass, shoving her tongue down my throat. “Oh,” she gasps into my mouth when she feels my cock harden against her stomach.
We haven’t had sex since we found out. Not because we’re no longer attracted to each other, but because… well, honestly, because of me. Every time we started getting intimate, I’d remember how we used to get each other hot by saying that I was going to put a baby into her, and then I’d start crying. It’s a miracle Abby isn’t fed up with me yet.
I don’t have any trouble getting it up now, though. Abby sets my body on fire with her soft moans and frantic touches, like nothing changed between us. And… I guess it hasn’t. Yeah, I’m hurting, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still love her. If anything, I love her even more. She’s so strong and resilient, even though she’s got every reason not to be. She keeps everything running smoothly even when I’m in no state to help out, and she still manages to make me feel safe and loved through it all.
“I love you,” I tell her between kisses. “I can’t wait to marry you.”
“Me too,” she agrees, giving me a shove so I end up sprawled on the couch. She climbs on top of me, her dress riding up. “We really need to leave if we want to arrive at Caroline’s and Nathan’s place at a decent time.”
“Who cares?” I grunt, pulling down the front of her dress so her breasts come spilling out of her bra. She’s got the most beautiful breasts in the whole damn world. So big, so firm, and all mine. I close my mouth around one of her nipples, sucking it and nipping at it with my teeth.
“Oh!” she exclaims, grinding against me mindlessly.
“Take off your dress,” I tell her, my voice way more commanding than I’m used to.
Abby complies right away, moving off the couch for a moment so she can pull off my pants and boxershorts while also stepping out of her own dress and panties. She straddles me again, sinking down on me without any more foreplay. We both moan and our eyes lock, her green ones sparkling dangerously. She starts moving, and I don’t think she’s ever felt this good on top of me, and that’s saying something, because she always feels good.
“You’re so beautiful,” I groan, pulling at her hair so she lowers her face down to mine. Our kiss is hot and slow, burning through the sadness inside of me. It feels like I can finally breathe again.
We’re still Chris and Abby, no matter what shit we have to work through.
I was scared for a second that she might use her infertility as an excuse to run for the hills, deeming herself unworthy of my love yet again, but she did none of that. In fact, Abby seems surer of our relationship than ever before. I feel the same way. I’d rather have her and not have kids of my own than be without her and have to search for someone to have kids with. I’ll never find someone who fits like Abby does. Besides, we’re still parents of three boys, and I know we both want more kids to fill this house with. Our dreams still match.
“You’re the love of my life,” Abby says, cutting right through my thoughts while she keeps riding me, her walls spasming around me slowly while she moans. “I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you.”
“Same,” I manage to grunt out right before I lose all control. I grab her hips to hold her in place while I move up my hips, fucking her hard and fast. She gasps and grabs her own breasts to stop them from bouncing, pinching her nipples hard. Fuck, that’s hot.
“Oh, Chris, I’m going to-” She can’t even finish her sentence, interrupted by me moving a hand to her puckered little hole, pushing in a finger to push her right over the edge.
“Fuck! Chris!” she yells, shuddering with her release.
I’m not done with her yet, keeping myself right on the brink without allowing myself to come. When she collapses on top of me, I grab her ass and flip us over so I’m on top, picking up the pace again. He moans are hoarse, her nails digging into my back.
“So good,” she murmurs.
“Hmm,” I agree, inhaling her heady scent when I press my face against her shoulder.
Her fingers travel over my back to my ass, slipping in a finger just like I did with her. She curls it in the perfect angle, making me cry out her name while I come, an intense orgasm rolling over me.
“Chris,” Abby mumbles against my skin. “Christopher.”
“Hmm?” I ask, out of breath.
“I missed you.”
I choke up when she says that, but I pull it together within a few seconds. I know she doesn’t mean the sex, although we both missed that too. She means she missed me, the real me. The not-zombie Chris. The Christopher that is her rock and not this shell of man she was forced to live with the past couple of weeks.
“I’m here now,” I promise, hugging her close to me.
“I know.” Her body shudders, and I realize that finally, she’s crying. With me still inside of her, no less.
We both laugh at how weird the whole thing is, and I pull out so I can snuggle against her. I almost fall off the couch, so I throw my leg over her and let her pull me back onto the soft cushions. She’s still crying, her body convulsing with her intense sobs.
“Hey,” I whisper, kissing her wet face over and over again. “Abby?”
“I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone,” she whimpers. “I know you felt lonely the past week. It’s not that I’m not hurting, I just… I made my peace with it, because I think I never truly believed I’d be lucky enough to get it all, and then we found out that we indeed couldn’t have it all, yet I still feel like…” She trails off, gathering her thoughts while she runs her fingers through my hair. “I know that faith or whatever stole something from us, in a way, but I still feel like I’ve got it all. There is so much joy in my life that I never thought I’d have. I choose to focus on that instead of what I can’t have, because I’ve already spent so many years of my life being unhappy.”
“I know, baby,” I assure her. “I wish I could do that too. I will get there.”
“Doesn’t mean I’m not hurting, though,” Abby goes on, squeezing her eyes shut. “I want the same things you do, so I don’t want you to think I don’t care or anything. You’re not the only one hurting. We just deal with it differently.”
It feels good to hear she’s hurting too, even though I wish she wasn’t. She’s right – I have been feeling lonely in my grief, and that fucking sucked. If she can hurt like this and still pull it together for the kids, for me, for herself, surely I can manage the same.
“Let’s get dressed,” I decide, kissing her one more time before getting up. “I know you’ve been looking forward to seeing Caroline again.” It’s Daisy’s first birthday and everyone is going to be there. Abby has been looking forward to this from the day we got the invitation.
“Chris?” Abby says, looking up at me with wide green eyes while she puts her bra back on. “You’re happy, right? Not right now, I mean, I get that you need some time, but I mean…” She hesitates. “If you want to postpone the wedding, I get it.”
“What?” I ask, sinking down onto my knees in front of the couch so we’re face to face again. “No way. I’d marry you right now if you’d ask me to. Next month, on the date we decided on, we’re saying our vows in front of our friends and family. Jagger is walking you down the aisle, and I’m finally getting to see that white dress you picked out last month.”
“Okay,” she breathes with a smile. “Good.”
“And yes, I’m happy,” I go in, kissing her softly. I hate that I made her feel like I wasn’t. Okay, I wasn’t all that happy, but that wasn’t about her. “You never fail to make me feel like I should pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming,” I tell her, locking eyes with her. “You’re it for me, Abby.”
“Good,” she says, wiping away the last of her tears and straightening her back. “Now put on some pants and get your cute ass into the car. We’re going to be over an hour late!”
“Who cares?” I ask like I did before.
“I do!” she exclaims, rolling her eyes and laughing. “I’m telling everyone we’re late because you couldn’t keep your hands off me.”
“Oh, you are?” I immediately grab her breasts and run my thumbs over her nipples through her bra, making her moan. “Wouldn’t even be a lie.”
“Let’s save the second round for tonight.” Her voice is hoarse and so fucking sexy. “We really need to get going.”
When I pull out of the driveway ten minutes later, I feel lighter than I have in weeks. The kids are with Edward for the day, so we’ve got a three-hour drive just the two of us. I’m looking forward to seeing our friends, and the sex just now was great, but I honestly think the long talk we have on the way to Caroline’s is my favorite part of the day. Hearing Abby talk and watching her making wild movements with her hands while she does weird little shimmy dances in her seat when she sings along to the radio… That’s the very definition of heaven to me.
I may not get to have kids of my own, but I do have the most amazing woman by my side who will be my wife soon. And we do have kids and will have more, just not ones that she grew in her belly. For the first time since we find out, that doesn’t sound so horrible anymore. I love her, and she loves me, and we’re a family. That’s enough for me.
More than enough.
It’s fucking amazing.