SUBMIT (BOOK 2, DSD SERIES)

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Chapter 15

“Is this really necessary?” Lexi asks as she hands me the blindfold.

After I’d sent that text to Johnattan, he replied a second later with an elated ′I’d love to’. How I know he’s elated? After he sent that message he sent a GIF with a man running up and down a street screaming yes. Lexi had literally cracked up laughing at his reaction but I was too busy thinking to laugh along.

I needed an idea. I couldn’t stand to look a Johnattan, that is, without remembering Liam and going into a panic attack. I needed a way to avoid that outcome.

To shield away Johnattan so I won’t see Liam’s face every time I look at him. That’s when it hit me and I found a way to avoid that outcome. Shielding my eyes with a blindfold.

"Would you rather I see his face and get a panic attack on spot so they can admit me to the hospital again?” I say as I move my body to the edge of the bed ensuring I don’t accidentally hit my leg against the bedframe.

“No,” she says as she pops open my pill bottle handing me two.

“Then yes it’s necessary.”

I pop the pills into my mouth swallowing dry before taking the glass of water from Lexi and drinking it dry.

I am nervous – scratch that – nervous doesn’t describe what I’m feeling good enough. Let me correct myself... I’m freaking out!

My hearts fighting against my ribs to get out and my brain is running every possible outcome of this meeting and trust me most of them don’t end well.

“Lexi, is it too late to tell him to come another day?” I say placing the glass on my nightstand shakily.

She notices my body shaking and holds my hand comfortingly. “You’ll be okay Chrissie. He won’t bite... Unless you let him.”

The doorbell rings and we both look to my bedroom door. My heart pounds in my heart mercilessly and I breathe deeply to settle it.

“Yes it’s too late,” Lexi says answering my previous question as she makes her way to towards my bedroom door.

"Lexi,” I whine in protest.

"Chrissie,” she says annoyed. “You know you are supposed to have a pussy not be one right?”

I glare at her but she only blows me a kiss before slipping through the door. So not funny...

Okay, Tina. Breathe... Calm.

I take up the midnight blue blindfold and slowly tie it around my eyes. The once golden lit room turns black, nothing in sight. I sigh as I try to relax rolling my shoulders and moving my head side to side.

Here goes nothing.

“Aren’t you dressed up all handsome? Hot date?” I hear Lexi asks as their footsteps make their way towards my bedroom.

“No but I’m meeting with one of the most important women in my life. Why not dress to impress?”

I shiver at his voice, pleasant, erotic memories running through my mind. His voice, husky and sexy so captivating. I release a pleasurable sigh at the sound and my muscles relax.

“True, too bad she won’t see you,” Lexi says with a knowing tone.

“What do you me–?”

“And we are here!” Lexi says not giving Johnattan a chance to finish his statement as their footsteps cease at my room door. “I shall leave you here dear Johnattan. Take care of my girl or I’ll take care of you and leaving no room for misunderstandings let me explain. Taking care of you consists of a glock and body bag.”

I can just imagine Lexi give him her ′try me’ smile and it brings a smile to my face as I envision Johnattan’s shocked expression.

“I will,” he says gulping.

She whispers something to him that I miss before opening the door. “Good luck.”

Footsteps move away from the door and I assume they’re Lexi’s. The door is pushed open farther and slow heavy steps make their way forward. I tighten my hold on the sheets in anticipation. What would he do? What will he say?

A minute of silence passes before someone finally speaks breaking it.

"Isabelle," he says slowly and goose bumps rise onto my skin at the sound.

His voice sounds close but not close enough to cause me to panic. I momentarily dwell on my name on his lips memorizing the way he says each syllable slowly and softly as if he didn’t want one letter to escape.

"Johnattan," I say with a sigh as I picture his face in my mind. His beautifully scarred face.

“You wanted to see me,” he says unsure. “Well speak to me. Judging by the blindfold around your eyes seeing me isn’t something you want to do.”

I register the hurt in his voice and my heart aches for him. This isn’t his fault, he didn’t deserve this. He isn’t the one that hurt me yet he’s the one I can’t bear to see.

Swallowing the lump in my throat I formulate a reply. “Yes I want you speak to you... Will you sit here please?”

“Are you sure? Would that be okay?” I sense the hesitation and the uncertainty in his voice as he speaks.

“If I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t have requested it,” I say softly patting the area beside me. ”Please sit.”

He makes his way towards me and soon the bed sinks under his weight. I feel his presence beside me and it makes me longing. I smell his cologne and I’m doing all I can to stop myself from wrapping myself in his arms.

Talk Tina, you both need to talk.

“How’s it been?” He asks before I could initiate the conversation.

“Fine,” was my curt reply as I play with my fingers. Nice work Tina. That wasn’t awkward at all.

“How’s your leg?” He as he placed his hand on my cast.

The small pressure on my knee slings a little but I push it away. “It’s getting better it’s mostly just stings now.”

“That’s good,” he says and an eerie silence take over.

Well this isn’t getting anywhere.

“How are you?” I ask trying to ignore the fact that his hand hasn’t left my knee yet.

"Anhelo, deprimido. Echándote de menos. Dios, te extraño, Christi, muchísimo.”

“Johnattan –”

“Christina I’m sorry,” he says standing abruptly and I’m taken by surprise. What is he sorry for?

“I don’t understand. I’m the one that should be apologizing,” I say in confusion. “I left you. I ran away because I was scared. I left you to take care of Lexi and worst of all I left you heart broken.”

He moves and soon I feel his hands on my cheeks. His touch causes warmness to travel through my body and I hold onto his arms never wanting him to let go.

“Christina, stop. I don’t deserve this.”

“You’re right you don’t,” I say my voice soft and comforting. “You didn’t cause this pain yet you are the one feeling the pain. I can’t look at you because of him. You weren’t the one that did that to me... You shouldn’t be the one... I didn’t mean to associate that night with you. I didn’t mean to subconsciously associate you with Liam... I didn’t...”

The tears make their way down my cheeks a few soaking the blindfold as they make their way. My body shakes as I grip his arms tightly. I never wanted this to happen to us... I love him... I never wanted that night to come back... I didn’t want to relive that moment, but it haunts me. It came back and in the worst way possible. It attached itself to someone I love... How am I supposed to cope with this?

“I can’t even look at you...” I cry as I clutch onto him. “Without breaking down. Reliving that night, the pain, the betrayal... The hurt... Oh god it hurts so much. It makes me so scared I can barely breathe.”

Without any hesitation Johnattan takes me into his arms and I rest my head on his chest breathing in his alluring scent. My body hums at his closeness and I cling to him like a baby not wanting to be separated from their favourite blankie.

I loved having him close, feeling him against me. Feeling him around me.

“I–I’m so sorry,” I say as I hug him tightly never wanting to separate from his warmth.

He kisses my head pulling me closer and the slight sting in my leg seems mediocre as I dwell on the feel of this man before me. His little affectionate action makes me feel at home in his arms. Protected. It reminds me that I can always trust him and I do trust him.

“Don’t Christina,” he says softly interrupting the comfortable silence that had taken us over. “Don’t apologize I don’t deserve you... I– I don’t deserve you. Not after what I’ve done.”

My ears perk up at that statement and I pull away from him slowly. What’s he talking about? “W-What do you mean? W-What did you do?”

My voice is low and trembles as my mind formulates numerous theories. Theories that have my heart-breaking at each thought. It can’t be that bad, can it?

His hands slip to my neck and his thumbs gently caress my cheeks. That action would have had me melting in his arms and dwelling on the warm sensations they cause but I can’t not after what he said.

I needed to know what he meant.

“Johnattan, what did you do?” I ask more sternly my voice raw and laced with mix emotions.

“I-I was just so hurt, confused and wanting... Longing...” He began and I was already fearing the rest of this speech. “My secretary... She was ... I tried to resist I really did...”

Oh god no...

I push him away from me with strength that surprised even me. I can’t believe this! “You screwed her?!”

The words taste bitter on my tongue and I fight the urge to throw up. Oh my god, he did. “You slept with her?”

“You fucked her?” I ask bluntly as my heart cracked with each word.

I couldn’t believe this... He had sex with her... While I was here crying over him, fighting the pain within me and missing him he was getting on with his secretary!

“No Christina –” he says as he touches my cheek.

“No! Don’t touch me!” He pulls back and my skin suddenly feels dirty, tainted. “Don’t touch me with those hands... y-you used to touch her!”

Trust. I trusted him... And he just threw it back into my face like it was nothing.

He had sex with her... Why?

“How did it feel Johnattan?” I say venom in my voice. “Touching her, feeling her? Did it feel better than when I touched you? Did it make you for a second feel like I didn’t exist? Was she so good you forgot I existed? I hope she’s enough for you because you are never touching me again!”

“No! Christi no!”

His hands grip my arms and my temper sky rockets. I stand on my uninjured leg, my other leg resting on the ground. Pain juts through my leg at the movement but I ignore it.

“You don’t get the right to do this to me... I–I never slept with anyone. I couldn’t, I wanted only you! You, Johnattan! Many guys tried to get me to date them but I didn’t! I didn’t, but you... It wasn’t a problem for you!”

I jerk away from him forcefully and because of all my pressure being on one leg I start to fall to the side but he grabs my waist and pulls me towards his body.

“Let me go Johnattan!” I say as I fight his hold on me.

“I DIDN’T SLEEP WITH HER!”

His voice echoes around the room and my struggle ceases as he finishes his sentence. He breathes hard as he holds me against his body and I hear the loud thudding of his heart for my ear is pressed against his chest.

“She came onto me,” he says slowly wrapping his arms around my shoulders and waist. “I admit it I caved in but, I didn’t have sex with her. Dammit, I didn’t even kiss her! Every time I was touching her I thought of you how you were so much stronger than she was. You’re a challenge, she was easy. I don’t like easy, Christina. I love a challenge and you are that challenge. You fulfil my needs, you’re the best. She can never compare to you Christina, not even a little. I couldn’t do it, that is, have had sex with her. She isn’t you. I couldn’t do it even if I wanted to. I’m ashamed I even went as far as touching another woman Christi but I promise you I didn’t have sex with her.”

My body slumps against his as the adrenaline leaves my system and I break down in his arms. He holds onto me as I tremble whispering soothing words to me. He rubs his hands comfortingly against my waist and shoulders and I feel my body succumbing to his touch.

“I’m so sorry Christi,” he says for the tenth time as my body relaxes. “I admit to touching her but I didn’t have sex with her. I’m sorry for betraying your trust and I know I can never get it back. I’m so sorr–”

I place a finger on his lips silencing him making him stop mid apology. I trail my hand to his cheek feeling his scar under my fingertips before moving it to the back of his head.

"Christina?” He says uncertain of my actions.

“Just shut up and kiss me already.”

Without hesitation he cups my cheek caressing it slowly before softly capturing my lips in a soft, sensual kiss. My heart melts into the kiss and I tighten my hold on him as the kiss gets heated. His lips pamper mine nibbling on each affectionately before sucking on my bottom lip. He pulls me closer his kiss becoming fierce, needy like a man starved for months. He has been starved of love for three horrible, torturing months and now that he’s found love again he refuses to let go. His tongue slips into mouth and at that moment I know there’s no going back now. I’m addicted, captivated.

I want him here and now and believe me when I say this: I am going to take him here and now.

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