The shock on his face almost makes me take back my impulsive statement but I can’t.
My heart is beating frantically in my chest withholding any sympathetic feelings and as I try to pump air into my lungs the words become long forgotten and irrelevant.
I grab my chest wheezing as my eyes blur and I feel my mind swirl in turmoil. My chest feels tight, restricted. I claw at the top of the hospital gown in an attempt to relief this feeling but it’s futile.
I see people move around me and soon I feel something over my mouth and nose then air is being pushed into my windpipe. Hands hold me while voices echo around me but I can barely make then out.
“She’s having a panic attack! Get them out!” One yells.
“Christina!” A more masculine one calls but I’m unresponsive.
Sobs surround me before dying down and after a few minutes of being tended to by my doctor and nurse my head settles slowly causing my eyes to close and my body to claim the little comfort found in sleep.
Waking up an hour later isn’t as pain free as I’d hope. My head is still housing a tornado in there and my leg is starting to act up. Even through the pain I can’t help but place my hand on my stomach with a smile on my lips. I’m going to be a mother. I never thought I’d be able to say those words again.
Tears of joy stream down my eyes and I release a sob–laugh as I caress my relatively flat stomach. My baby’s in there growing, feeding and keeping mommy company. I’m now in charge of protecting her and making sure she doesn’t end up like the one before.
Pain clutches my heart in a firm grip as my mind wonders to those few years ago. I can’t allow that to happen, I can’t lose another child. I won’t be able to cope, I’d rather join my baby than live without him or her.
The door of the hospital room opens and Dr Hyll steps in with a pleasant smile on his face. I wipe my tears away with a small smile looking up at him as he moves over to my left side.
“Doctor,” I say as I take in his stance. He seems edgy, uncomfortable and his eyes are sympathetic as he stares at me.
This means that he has read the file, I mentally sigh.
“Ms Authoró,” he begins and my heart pounds at that name. Authoró.
“Mr Authoró your daughter is indeed pregnant,” the doctor announces as he reads the results and my dad’s expression turns murderous.
He didn’t want to believe it even after everything I’d done. I had taken five pregnancy tests to ensure I didn’t make a mistake and after all of them coming back positive he doesn’t believe and opts to bring to me to a doctor. He wants this to be untrue but it’s real and I’m as frightened as he is. How can I tell my baby his/her father raped me?
“Are you sure doctor?” he asks in his baritone voice his Italian accent prominent.
“Yes, the blood tests came back positive she is pregnant.” The doctor replies as I try to calm my shaking body. I’m carrying that monster’s child.
With that my father stands up, thanks the doctor and storms out calling me along with him. As we approach his car in the parking lot he turns to me with merciless eyes.
“Who did this?” He asks slowly so that I hear each word as he pronounces them.
“D-Dad c-calm down–” I try to calm this raging bull mode he’s in.
“Chris I’m not in the mood. Who did this to you?!”
“Chris, I want answers!”
“Fine!” I shout in defeat as my heart hammers. “It was L-Liam,” I say whispering the person’s name.
“Liam,” I whisper again folding my arms as I try to push away the memory of his assault on me some days ago.
My body shakes as I remember the heartbreak, pain and deceive.
“For God’s sake Chris, who did it?!” He bellows causing me to jump.
“Liam!” I shout as tears stream down my eyes. “He r-raped me Daddy, h-he took advantage of me and he got me pregnant.”
The tears crash down my cheeks as my body shakes and I hold my head down awaiting my dad’s response to my revelation.
I look up shocked, pain rippling through my body just by those two words. He doesn’t believe me?
“Dad I’m telling th–”
“Chris stop!” He says shutting me up. “You have been sleeping around with numerous of guys on campus and you know it. I thought setting you up with Liam would have made you more monogamous but I see it didn’t work. Now you are trying–”
I can’t believe my ears. Yes I was a bit wild – mom had died and Dad didn’t care, he never offered any comfort so I had to look for it in other places – but after Liam I never went back to that. I loved him and I thought he loved me.
“No! No! You didn’t think it’ll help me you wanted it to help you!” I say pointing at him. “You wanted that business deal with his Dad that’s why you introduced us! You used me for your benefit and here I am telling you he raped me and you think I’m lying.”
“Close your mouth for once in your life Chris!” He says stepping towards me. “How dare you accuse him of that? I thought that you had changed but you are still that little ho–”
His statement is cut short as I slapped him across his face. He touches the area as I stare in shock at what I just did. His eyes look at me uncaring and angry and I feel my insides turn.
“That’s it!” He says grabbing my hand and pulling me along to the car.
He pushes me in and slams the door before walking around to the driver’s seat and getting in.
“What are you doing to do?” I ask in fear.
“I’m going to kill that thing inside of you.”
Authoró is a name I never want to be called ever again because it’s the name of the devil himself.
"Hase,” I breathe as I calm my nerves. ”Hase is fine.”
He gulps nodding his head before holding up his clipboard so he can view it better. “Ms Hase, these files are...” He trails off coughing a bit before finishing. “Gruesome.”
“It’s said here that your womb was cut so badly it resembled... minced meat and the aftermath of the treatment was looking like it’ll never return to what it once was. I can’t imagine a woman of such a young age going through that...”
“I’m sorry Ms Authoró but you can never conceive again,” the doctor says as I clutch my heart that’s aching after this painful revelation. “Your womb and cervix has been tremendously damaged and based on what I see there’s no way you can become pregnant again.”
I jut at the memory the pain returning to my chest but I shake it off. I have a baby now and I’m no anywhere near that devil in disguise.
“Please spare me the details,” I begin feeling my stomach turn. “I’ve heard it once before and... I really don’t want to hear it again.”
He nods and my stomach relaxes a bit. “Can you please tell me how am I able to conceive now? Not that I’m not thankful for this miracle, but how?”
He skips through pages on the clipboard as I ask and replies with a ‘sure’.
“Well, there are many ways in which women become infertile. For example, damage to your fallopian tubes, hormonal problems, cervix issues, uterine troubles and there are cases of ‘unexplained’ infertility,” he explains and I nod my head. “In your case it was cervix issues, the damage done to your womb affected your cervix causing it to swell, this may have been the reason you were diagnosed as infertile. Your cervical canal couldn’t allowing anything for example, sperm to travel through it thus no fertilization could occur, making you barren.”
I look at him with pain in my eyes as I recall that day, the day I died mentally. Alexis, if it wasn’t for her I would have gone mad all those years ago or worse join my mother wherever she is.
“I believe overtime that swelling went down and your cervix healed itself. However, the fact that your mind believed that you couldn’t have a child prolonged this infertility. Your brain is a very powerful organ and if you believe in something or worry over something your body will act according. This arose hormonal issues, your body not having the accurate count,” he places the clipboard to his side looking at me as he asks his question. “Your friend, the one that’s pregnant ... were you around her for a long period of time?”
I nod and he nods in understanding.
“Pregnant females give off a lot of hormones, these react with other females boosting their “fertility count”. It looks like your friend...”
“Alexis, helped to push your body from that dormant state and made you more responsive. She helped to rise your hormonal count and because of that you were able to get pregnant.”
“I’m pregnant because of Alexis?” I ask astonished.
“Something like that,” he says with a slight chuckle. “She helped to increase your fertility count.”
I owed my baby to my best friend that I abandoned. Oh my god, I’m such a bad friend, she’s done so much for me yet I did so little for her. I owe her a huge apology. She’s the reason I have a second chance at being a mother.
“Thank you for the explanation doctor,” I say and he nods. “Not to be rude but can you leave and please tell Alexis to come and speak to me, I need to see her.”
“I’m sorry but they’ve left the hospital,” he says and my heart plummets.
She left me?
“They said they’d be back tomorrow so you can converse with her then but for now you’re stuck with me,” he states with a smile.
He places one of his hands in his coat pocket and looks down at me admiringly. “You are quite a strong, young woman Christina. You’ve been through a lot and seem to be well. Most people would have maybe taken their lives or done something to numb the pain never really getting over that scarring part in their lives but you are overcoming it at least it seems that way to me.”
I smile as I mentally shake my head. I may have accepted that it happened but I’m not over it. I’m still afraid of it so much to the point that it’s ruining my future.
“Are you flirting with me Dr Hyll?” I tease and he chuckles.
“As beautiful as you are, no. I’m actually married to quite an energizer bunny, I love her unconditionally and I have eyes for only her,” he states.
“What’s her name?” I ask with a smile.
“She’s a lucky woman.”
“And any man who has you Christina, is a lucky guy. You are like no other woman in this world. Any man would be happy to have you.”
“Thanks doc,” I reply looking longingly at the door. “But sometimes I feel like I’m just a plague on his life.”
"Johnattan,” I breathe as I look at him. “The man I love.”