A bounty’s love
Chapter 22: Seeking help
Dr. Pratt: Consider yourself lucky. A few days with the butterfly’s should be enough, however I am still keeping you on restriction for another week. No lifting, jogging or boxing. Limited walking is ok.
Dr. Pratt: I want to see you back in one week, and in the mean time I’d like you to see a friend of mine.
He hands me a card.
Kylie: A psychiatrist!
Dr. Pratt: She specializes in people with PTSD especially ones of domestic or sexual abuse.
Dr. Pratt leaves the room and Luke begins to rub my back.
Luke: I’ve seen too many brothers fall from PTSD. What you’ve gone through may be different from any of them but the end result is the same. They become lost and baby I can’t lose you. you know I’m here for you and you can talk to me about anything but sometimes it helps talking with someone outside your normal circle.
I know he’s there for me. I can feel his love in his touch, hear his compassion in his voice. But what happens if I am becoming my mother.
Kylie: What if I’m too damaged.
He swallows me with his arms resting his head against mine whispering in my ear.
Luke: Then we will be damaged together.
I let a huff of amusement and turn to look at him.
Kylie: You can be really corny sometimes
Luke: It’s one of the many reasons you love me.
He brings a smile to my face as I kiss his sweet lips.
A week later I get cleared from Dr. Pratt and have my first visit with Dr. Weisen. Which happens to be in the same building. Luke waits in the waiting room as I go in.
Dr. Weisen is a shorter older woman in her late 50’s with shoulder length blond hair, black framed glasses, and a slight German accent. She shakes my hand and gestures to the couch in her office.
Dr. Weisen: Miss. Murphy please have a seat.
I take a seat crossing my legs and clasping my hands together in my lap uncomfortably, looking off at all the plaques and degrees on the walls.
Dr. Weisen: So according to your physician Dr. Pratt you were assaulted and shot by an ex-boyfriend whom you stabbed in self-defense.
Dr. Weisen: and he died.
I nodded again. Looking at her briefly as she spoke.
Dr. Weisen: How do you feel about that?
I shrugged my shoulders?
Kylie: I feel nothing.
She squinted her eyes at me trying to get a read on me. But it was true. I felt nothing that day, I feel nothing still.
Dr. Weisen: Why are you here Miss Murphy?
Kylie: Dr. Pratt recommended it and my boyfriend wanted me to.
Dr. Weisen: Not you.
Kylie: I don’t know. I’m not usually the kind of person to seek mental help.
Dr. Weisen: Yet you’re here?
I raise my brows and smirk like a smart ass saying that was obvious. The Dr leans back folding her hands over her note book.
Dr. Weisen: What is it that you are afraid of Miss Murphy.
I take a breath letting my guard down to try and get this over with quickly.
Kylie: Losing Luke, becoming my mother.... Losing myself.
Dr. Weisen: Why do you fear becoming your mother?
I take in a sharp breath and let out a huff closing my eyes briefly before returning the gaze to my hands.
Kylie: My biological mother killed my step father when she caught him raping me. She was an alcoholic and had no idea he had been doing it for almost a year. She stopped drinking but then she had to be admitted into a clinic for depression. She eventually took her own life.
Dr. Weisen: Have you ever wanted to end your own life.
I looked up quickly in offense. With a raised voice. Shaking my head.
Kylie: I have been raped, sexually assaulted, and abused by men who I trusted, but I adapted to survive and fought to live through it. I faked my own death and run across the country to start a new life leaving behind the one person who I could always count on. My brother. If it wasn’t for my brother maybe I would have a different answer. But no, I have never wanted to end my own life. What I am afraid of is that if my mother’s condition is hereditary, and the dreams don’t stop crossing into my reality, I might lose everyone I care most about.
She raises her brows at the mass of info I just threw at her without realizing I had. Then she smiles.
Dr. Weisen: Tell me about these dreams.
Kylie: They are mostly of Max. Sometimes they are a mixture of the day I got shot, With the past. Sometimes they are of what seems to be the present.
Dr. Weisen: For instance?
Kylie: One recently has become a recurring dream. I’m in the hospital. Max is standing at the foot of my bed. He reaches for me and suddenly we are back in our Manhattan home lying face to face in our bed. For a split second it’s peaceful. Then his face goes pale and he reaches for me again but this time with a bloody hand.
Sometimes I wake up in fight or flight mode not knowing where I am until Luke draws me back.
Dr. Weisen: You said mostly of Max. Who else is in your dreams?
Kylie: my stepfather though not as much.
Dr. Weisen: How long have you been having these types of dreams.
Kylie: Since my stepfather. After my mom killed him, he haunted me in my dreams all the time. But after I met Aron, I didn’t have the dreams as often.
Dr. Weisen: Who’s Aron?
Kylie: My brother who I didn’t know I had until college. It’s strange how connected we were when we first met like as if somehow, we knew. It was never sexual between us. I was very shy. Never dated, never made friends. But Aron and I we just became instant friend. He was the first person I ever confided in. Which was a big relief. He got me out of my shell got me out there dating. He saved me from my first boyfriend who had drugged me at a party so he could have had he way with me
Somehow Aron was there and when I was in the hospital, he confirmed with a blood test that I was his sister. We had the same dad. He always acts like he owes me something. Like he’s trying to make up for his father’s mistake. Even his mom Gwen accepted me and treated me more like a daughter then my own mom.
It wasn’t until I met Max that the dreams had almost stopped entirely. He was my first real love. He was patient and gentle at first. We had a very sexual relationship. He turned me on to having a dom sub relationship and I loved it. He knew how I felt about anal. He knew everything about my past. He was perfect. Too perfect. Over time he became more aggressive, and obsessive.
Dr. Weisen: He started to abuse you?
Kylie: More like controlling. But sex was getting more aggressive. He would try to have anal sex with me when we or he would have a little too much to drink but he never forced it.
Till one night when he lost it completely over a guy talking to me. That night he forced annul sex, kept me confined to the house for a couple of days and forced anal whenever I refuse him and threatened to go after my brother.
Dr. Weisen: What did you do.
Kylie: I did what I always did. I submitted to him. Pretended to be his perfect little sub to earn his trust. When he left town, I went to my brother. We faked my death. I got a new identity and came here. The dreams got worse again at first. Then Luke came along. Even with everything I’ve been through somehow, I felt safe with him. I trusted him and I even fell in love with him. Luke usually finds a way to make things better. But I don’t feel like I’m getting better this time.
I see Max now more than ever asleep or not. I feel like I’m slipping away and terrified that I will lose Luke.
Dr. Weisen: Do you think your subconscious is tricking you into believing he could still be alive?
Kylie: Well it is what I did right. Faked my own death. I mean yeah, it’s always a thought. Even though I know he’s dead. The corners report and police report all matched what Luke told me.
Dr. Weisen: What about the depression. Do you feel depressed often?
Kylie: No actually. It’s only once in a great while. For the most part these things usually pass.
Dr. Weisen: Is your mother ever in these dreams?
Dr. Weisen: Miss Murphy What you’re experiencing is quite normal considering all things you have been through. I think it’s just a matter of forgiveness. You forgave your mother and she doesn’t haunt you. As hard as it is to imagine doing so. It truly is the best way to move on. Knowing that nothing was your fault and sometimes those who hurt us are not entirely at fault either. We all have our Demons.
Has there ever been a time when you considered having anal to experience pleasure perhaps form Luke.
Kylie: No. but there was once when he was pressed against my back side and I didn’t freak out but actually liked the feel. I mean he wasn’t trying to do anything he was just pressed up against me.
Dr. Weisen: You don’t have to feel embarrassed. Many people do find it very pleasurable. I’m not saying it is for everyone. But if you do trust your partner 100% and have good open communication with them then it might be something you can explorer. If you can allow yourself to know that it is your partner who is touching you and feel only his body you may be able to fight off the painful memories.
But I want you to start by acknowledging what they did to you, your stepfather and Max, try to accept that they had something wrong with them, and forgive them. Not because it wasn’t wrong but because you deserve to be free of them. Talk to your partner about perhaps just touching you in certain areas that normally make you uncomfortable with out the act of penetration.
But the key is trust and communication.
Kylie: I’ll try.
Dr. Weisen: Well I would like to see you back in a week to see how you are doing.
She stood up reaching out her hand and we shake.
Kylie: Sure. Thanks Dr.