Chapter 33: Stuck In My Head
I hear a knock on my door before my dad’s voice calls out loudly, “Rin, are you going to get up for school?”
My eyes glance to the clock. It’s already 6:15 am yet my head still feels stuck on last night.
“I’m up!” My voice is hoarse as I respond back.
He’s used to me being up and about before he leaves for work so he was probably worried that I’m still asleep. I’m not though. I haven’t been able to sleep much at all. Maybe two hours at the most.
I’ve just been up for a while now tiredly just laying here with my eyes closed but my mind very, very awake.
He opens my door just slightly, peering in probably to make sure I’m alright “Are you sick? Do you need me to stay home? Should I call your schools and tell them.”
“No, Papa. I’m not sick.” I tell him. “Also, it’s Saturday.” I add on.
He’s silent for a moment before he makes a sound of realization. “Oh, right... Sorry, go back to sleep then.”
I let out a tired laugh as I tell him to have a good day at work before he shuts my door.
I grab my phone off my charger before I pull my bed covers over my face.
If I could go back to sleep I would. Another night of lack of sleep in absolutely not what I had planned, but unfortunately it seems my brain doesn’t know what to quit. The more I over think the more I worry. The more I worry the less I can sleep.
Realizing that I possibly have feelings for both Levi ans Silas is a big step for me, however just acknowledging that I may have feeling for them both doesn’t make me feel any less confused since I still haven’t figured out exactly what these feelings mean.
Is it even possible to have feelings for two entirely different people? And if so then how come these feelings I have are similar yet still different enough for me to feel so confused even now?
Maybe my dad’s right. Maybe I really shouldn’t even think about dating until I’m like fifty. By then maybe I won’t feel so frustrated and clueless... Actually probably not. That won’t work because I’ll probably be the same at that age just a lot older and more crazy.
I keep trying to picture myself with either of them as anything more than what we are now, but the lines keep blurring because I’m not sure what we are now.
My lock screen is a picture of Levi and I that was taken last summer. We’re both smiling brightly on the front porch of his home as we stand close to each other sharing a towel, both drenched in a mid July rain shower. I can’t help but stare at it, clicking the side button to keep it up but not actually unlocking my phone.
Levi’s my best friend or I thought so but lately I’m not sure what to think because friends don’t kiss their friends, right? When did his feelings change? Have my feelings slowly been changing too?
I always thought I looked at Levi as family but that wasn’t quite right either. My thoughts towards my family and my thoughts towards him have never been quite the same. I mean if I really thought of him as family then I never would have kissed him even once.
No, it’s just that Levi makes me feel comfortable and safe. He was so familiar to me. He was the one thing in my life that felt like it was steady and never changing. He’s my sense of security in times when I need it most. That’s how I always thought of him, however I never gave it a second thought of what his own feelings were until now- until he actually did start changing and showing these emotions that I never understood before.
I’ve become unable to look at him in the same light again. The Levi who I relied on as a childhood friend isn’t the same Levi who confesses his feelings to me, asks to kiss me, and gets scary when he’s upset about something. I can’t help but notice him more now. His feelings I once tried to deny as a joke have become so clear that my heart sometimes beats so fast.
I never before have even slightly thought about the possibility of liking him or dating him so these thoughts have me at a loss because if I do like him and if we do decide to date would he change even more? Would our whole dynamic change? Would we become something unrecognizable? If things didn’t work out would he still be by my side the same as he was before?
I don’t like these questions that keep popping up. I just don’t want to think about Levi becoming even more different or even worse not having him in my life. I honestly don’t think I could live without him at this point as being close to him as become as natural to me as breathing.
Then there’s Silas who I can never quite understand just what he’s thinking.
I finally unlock my phone. I click on Silas’ contact information, staring at the little circle with the picture of him he has set- a close up of him on his drum set, his head back and one drum stick hit against the symbol while the other is raised.
I can’t help but smile as I remember back when he was still learning to play the drums. Back then we were practically like babies but I thought he was so cool always carrying around his drumsticks and trying to use them on any surface he could. I also wanted to play too but mom had insisted I take piano lessons instead which I’m thankful for now since piano is life.
We were close once but that feels like forever ago. Even if I finally admitted that I don’t actually hate him I don’t think I can completely forgive him either.
The anger I feel still lingers and I don’t think the broken trust can be mended, yet why do I always go along at his pace? He’s reckless, rude, and will say anything to get a rise out of me. He doesn’t take things seriously and just plays around, but when we’re alone lately I can see a side to him that I haven’t seen in a long time- a side of him that I didn’t know I was longing for until now.
These feelings I have scare me. He’s dangerous because he makes me feel so uncertain and confused. It’s like I want to get close but every time I do I can’t stop myself from pushing him away again. We keep going around and around in circles.
I keep saying he’s the worst. I keep saying I want to get away from him. So why do I feel like I’ve become so attached to him and these complicated feelings towards him?
I can’t shake the feeling that no matter what in the end one of us will end up hurt and that one of us when end up being me yet again.
I sigh as I sit up, pulling the covers off of me.
It’s still stupidly early but laying in bed thinking of all these complicated thoughts isn’t going to do me any good.
I get dressed in a faded orange baggy sweat shirt and a pair of white shorts before making my way to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth.
After heating up a few frozen waffles in the toaster, I sit on the porch step with the small bottle of blueberry syrup sitting next to me so I can pour a ridiculous amount of it on my breakfast.
It’s still dark so the street lamps are on. There’s a chill in the air because the sun hasn’t completely risen yet but instead of feeling cold I just feel refreshed.
The air is heavy with a sent of moisture. Will in rain later? I sure hope so.
It’s so quiet. I usually don’t like the quiet but since it’s so early in the morning it’s actually really nice.
I’m almost finished eating when I hear someone call out my name.
I feel startled by the sound. I was lost in my own world for a bit that I didn’t notice anyone else was around at this time.
My heart skips a beat as I look up, already knowing who it is just from the gentle and lighthearted tone of voice.