Chapter 39: It's The Complicated Feelings For Me
“Wake you, we’re home.” I open my eyes to the sound of Silas’ voice. My eyes still feel heavy and really sore. I rub the palm of my hand against them before peering as Silas.
He leans over to unbuckle my seat belt for me. He then reaches into the back of the car before placing a white store bag on my lap. “I stopped at the corner store on the way home, so here.” He says.
I open the bag to see packs of sour Skittles and Starbursts, an orange creme pop flavored soda, a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips, a pack of watermelon flavored gum, and a king sized Twix bar. These are all some of my favorite things. I try to smile but I just can’t seem to muster the strength to make my lips curl up even half an inch.
“Thank you.” I say, but immediately wince at how hoarse and raspy my voice sounds.
Silas and I continue to sit in his car. It’ silent for a long moment before I finally speak, “I’m sorry for messing up your gig...” I avoid eye contact, feeling guilty that I ruined his night.
Silas leans over and flicks my forehead. “Don’t apologize. You’re more important than playing in some crappy bar. It’s obvious that you needed me. I already promised myself that I won’t make that mistake again of not being there when you need me most.” He then kisses the spot on my forehead that he had just flicked.
Despite his words again I can’t help but mutter out another apology.
“If you apologize again I’ll seal that mouth shut so you can’t apologize anymore.” Silas’s low voice rumbles as he warns me.
I let out a small sigh. “I really hope that this is all some nightmare and I’m going to wake up in my bed feeling confused but relieved any minute now.” I mumble.
Silas’ rests his hand on top of my own and laces his fingers over mine. “What happened?” He asked softly. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to but it might make you feel better if you do.”
I hesitate for a moment.
Do I want to tell him? What if I really was wrong and it was a misunderstanding? Will telling him make things better or worse?
In the end the words tumble out of my mouth anyways. “Those notes I’ve been getting... I think Levi is the one responsible for it. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I misunderstand.” I shake my head. ” I really hope I misunderstood but I heard him talking to one of the girls he knows from school and he said something like how he just wanted me to be scared so I’d come to him... How could I misunderstand when those words were clear enough? Then he tried to convince me I was wrong and ever use some of my own word against me and I just... I’ve never felt so broken and disgusted all at once before.” Now that I started to speak I can’t help but keep venting on about what happened even though my voice is fragile and weak and I keep shaking the more I talk about it.
I start to feel like I want to cry again and my voice breaks as I whisper out. “Why would he do this to me? He said he loves me but do you do this type of thing to someone you love?”
Silas lets go of my hand and now pulls me into his arms. He wraps his arms around me as I bury my face against his shoulder. I try to fight the tears but it’s to no avail.
Silas doesn’t say anything as he just lets me cry on his shoulder for a long period of time. After awhile the tears stop coming out probably would crying so much.
My eyes hurt so bad. Actually no, my entire face hurts so bad.
I must look like a mess right now and a gross one at that.
As I pull away from Silas I cover my hands over my face.
Instantly my hands are pulling down and Silas is looking at me with a sad expression in his eyes but a smile on his face.
“You don’t have to hide your face from me.” He says gently.
I shake my head as I tilt my head down. “I’m sorry.” Those words come out of my mouth as if a bad habit that I can’t stop.
Silas tilts my chin up and leans in close. “I told you what would happen if you apologized again.” He murmurs out before pressing his lips against mine.
I immediately place my hands on his chest as if I’m going to push him away but I feel weak so instead I just hold onto his undershirt. His lips don’t stay against mine for long. Instead he starts place delicate light pecks all over my face.
My heart flutters despite feeling hurt and self-conscious.
I feel distracted with each kiss, my mind on Silas.
Since when was Silas this gentle with me like this?
Is this new or have I just not been paying attention before?
Can I trust him? Can I trust his feeling I keep getting around him?
I try to push those thoughts to the back of my mind and just trust what I see in front of me now, trust in this moment and allow myself to forget about this awful night even if it's just for five or ten minutes.
After a little while we get out of the car and he walks me to the door. He gives me a tight hug before I do inside.
My mom calls out to me, probably having heard the door open and close. I just walk past her and up the stairs because I don’t want her to see me like this and worry.
I lay in bed with a warm washcloth draped over my face to hopefully help with the puffiness and redness causes from crying so much. The bag of stuff Silas had gotten me from the convenience store lays at the foot of my bed filled now with the left over trash after I finished off all of it so quickly trying to eat away my feelings now that I'm alone.
As I think of everything that’s happened tonight I feel heartbroken and confused.
In middle school when I had the falling out with Silas and was being bullied, Levi was the one who was always by my side. He stood up for me. He protected me. He made me feel safe and comfortable. Since then he’s always been the one I could turn to for anything. He’s always been just so gentle, sweet, goofy, and never ceased to make me smile or laugh when I need him most but now I don’t know what it think.
I knew he’s been acting differently lately and not like himself to the point that I recently started feeling uncomfortable around him sometimes, but I never imagined he could do something like this...
I don't want to believe that he would be behind those awful notes. The Levi I know would never do something like that. It just doesn't make sense to me.
After all these years has everything been just a lie?
Silas was the untrustworthy one who hurt me back then and Levi was the reliable one who got me through it. Now it's Levi who's hurt me while Silas was the one to bring me comfort.
Why does it feel like everything's all screwed up and reversed?
"What am I supposed to do now?" I whisper to myself as I remove the washcloth from my face before curling up into a ball on top of my bed.