Chapter 46: What Ifs Are Dangerous
It’s Tuesday after school.
Luckily for me the school day was pretty boring- or “aburrido” as my father would say.
If I learned anything from taking Spanish in Freshmen and Sophomore year of high school plus having some Spanish speaking family members, then I’m pretty sure the proper form for me to say that would probably be aburrida.
So yeah, school was very “aburrida” but at this point “aburrida” is a good thing.
Let’s ignore the fact that I passed Spanish with a C- and I have no idea what my dad’s side of the family is saying half the time when they speak in Spanish other than a few words here or there.
I wish I could say, “if disappoint were a person it would look like me” in Spanish.
Colby wouldn’t even glance or walk in my direction which was a blessing. Also, of course I still avoid Levi every chance I can. Even when I can’t avoid him completely, I make sure to not look in his direction once. Maybe it’s childish but I’m still not ready to face him. I feel like I’ll crumble in one millisecond if I did. I still need to prepare myself more before that.
Silas and I are on the couch in the living room of my house watching a musical.
Silas didn’t want to watch it. Said musicals were lame, but it only took one kiss from me to change his mind.
Now his head is against my shoulder as he stares intently at the tv scene, no longer annoyed by the singing as he’s fallen deep into the plot.
I can’t keep myself from getting distracted, glancing over at him.
It’s so strange how life works. It wasn’t long ago that I probably would have thought anyone was crazy if they ever told me one day I would ever have Silas as a boyfriend. No freaking way would I have believed that.
Even now it’s still hard to believe.
Yet here we are.
Everything’s changed so much in what seems like such a short period of time.
It feels like just yesterday I would have been doing this kind of thing with Levi, watching movies or playing video games together with my head on his shoulder like it was only natural. My heart didn’t beat faster and I wasn’t nervous but just comfortable.
I miss that...
I miss him...
Wait. No. Stop!
I don’t want to think about that. I don’t want to think about him right now especially when I’m around Silas.
As if sensing something is wrong, Silas tilts his head up and looks at me while he murmurs out in a worried tone, “You’re tensing up? Are you okay? Is my head too heavy? Am I making you uncomfortable?”
I shake my head. I can’t tell him what I was thinking about because I don’t want him to get upset.
Silas suddenly takes his head off my shoulder, sitting up straight now. Within a second he’s pushing my shoulders down so I’m laying down with my back flat on the couch.
Silas just leans over me. The only part of him touching me is his hands still pressed lightly against either of my shoulders.
My heart pounds as I stare up at him in confusion. “What?” I squeak out.
“Hey, wanna do it?” He says so casually as his eyes seem to trail down from my face.
He did not just say that...
I take a deep breath because I’m about to yell at him if I have to.
“You-” Before I can say another word Silas starts laughing as he moves away.
It takes me a moment to realize he wasn’t being serious.
I let out a breath of relief as I sit up. Slightly slapping his shoulder I scold him, “Gosh, nearly gave me a heart attack! Don’t even joke about that! I knew you were going fast but that’s too much!
“I’m sorry. I was just trying to get you to loosen up a bit. You looked really serious and you were so rigid that I was worried there for a moment. I know things have been a little much lately so I just want to make sure you’re okay. I don’t want to mentally shut down or something.” He says as he scoots in closer again. He smiles as he gingerly tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “I rather see you feisty and wanting to deck me in the face than see you look lost and melancholic. It doesn’t suit you.”
Melancholic? I guess that is a good way to describe how I’ve been feeling lately.
I manage to give a half smile as I lean my head against his shoulder now. “I just want everything to go back to the way it was.” I murmur out without giving much thought to it.
Silas gives me a look. “So, you want to go back to hating me?” He grumbles out.
“No, that’s not what I meant.” I tell him. “Besides I already told you that I never actually hated you. I was angry and resentful but I didn’t actually truly hate you at any point.”
“Oh, so angry and resentful then.” He deadpans.
He doesn’t get it. I’m not saying un-doing what happened between us lately I just mean what happened between Levi and I.
I guess I wasn’t really clear on that... Thinking about it now I can see why he doesn’t like this statement as it may be insensitive and imply that I don’t want to realize my feelings for him or be with him either.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t think it through when I said that. Of course I don’t want EVERYTHING to go back to how it was before.” I emphasis on the words everything, trying to get him to understand what I mean without directly saying the exact words.
“I’m glad I know the truth about what happened back in middle school even if it’s painful and I’m happy to be together with you like we are right now. I just meant it feels like I gained a lot but I also lost a lot and I wish I could keep the good things but go back and undo the bad things that happened if that makes sense.” I’m rambling now because I feel like no matter how much I say it my words still won’t sound as good out loud as they do in my head.
Despite my worries that Silas won’t understand what I said, his expression softens. He gently ruffles my hair before bopping his finger against the tip of my nose.
I listen carefully to Silas as he speaks in a gentle but low rumble, “You’re going to stress yourself out if you keep thinking like that. What’s happen has already happened. There’s no what ifs, do overs, or ’I want to keep this but go back and change that’s. Everything leading up to this point was impacted by those things you want to change so even if you change the bad you won’t keep the good things. I know I’m not one to be talking when it comes to this, but it’s more about changing your thoughts, feelings, and mentality on the things that happened rather than actually changing what happened.”
Since when did he become such a deep thinker?
He’s not wrong though.
I know that, but part of me still can’t help feeling they way I do.
Am I asking for too much to want to keep my current relationship with Silas but change the relationship between me and Levi? I want to be with Silas but I also want my best friend Levi back as well. Is it selfish?
Maybe I am asking for too much...
These thoughts linger with me for the rest of the day even after Silas leaves later in the evening.
Even at 9 pm I’m still thinking about it as I lay in read wrapped with my bed comforter over my head. I break out of these thoughts though as soon as I hear a noise that startles me.
A weird plopping noise like an object hitting glass.
I hear it again then silence for a short moment before hearing it yet again.
It doesn’t take me long to realize that the sound is coming from my window. Something must be hitting it.
I get up quickly from my bed, turn on the light, and tip top towards the window. I hesitate for a moment before glancing out of it.
Glancing out the window I can see a figure standing in the yard. It winds it’s arm back before something flies through the air. What looks like a small pebble pings against the window.
It’s Silas, isn’t it? Who else would do something so childish and cliche?
I open the window just a little bit before calling out in a loud whisper, “What are you doing?”
He makes a hand sign twisting his finger in a spiral then downwards. Our sign since we were kids meaning to sneak out and meet outside.
Didn’t we just see each other? Was there something else he had to say? Couldn’t he just text me?
These questions swirl around my head like a carousel, however I don’t think twice before closing the window, putting on a large hoodie to cover over my camisole and shorts, and then quietly making my way downstairs and outside.
He’s wearing a hoodie too with the hood up so I can't yet see his face clearly
It’s not until I get closer that I realize it’s not Silas at all. He’s not as tall or lean. Instead he’s slightly shorter with a more bulky build.
Taking another step closer I can see his face more clearly now.
My heart drops immediately.
It’s not Silas but someone just as familiar.
Levi stands in front of me with his hands in his pockets and a calm expression on his face.
"I know you probably don't want to see me right now, but we really need to talk."