Chapter 50: Goodbye Levi
With Silas’ help I was able to finish all my school work yesterday.
Now it’s Sunday morning and I’m getting ready for my date with Silas after eating my breakfast.
I put on a pair of black leggings, a black tank top, and then pull over an oversized lavender sweatshirt. Then I tie my hair up in a high ponytail before taking a small star shaped hair clip to pin back the smaller sections of my fringe. I spin around a few times looking at myself in the mirror.
Casual and comfortable but cute. I don’t want to look like I put into too much effort but I also don’t want to seem like I put in no effort either. Obviously, Silas has seen me looking at my worst plenty of times but now that we’re dating I do want him to at least see me looking presentable at times too.
It’s nearly eleven in the morning when we meet in the space of the yard that’s in between our houses.
Silas grabs my hand and leads me towards his parents’ car that’s parked on the side of the street.
As we walk I notice Levi come out of the house. He stops for a moment when he sees me. He turns like he’s going to walk back into his house but then turns again. His eyes move from me to Silas but he doesn’t say a word or try to come near us. He just gets into his truck which is parked in the driveway.
Silas’ hand grips mine tightly during this moment, obviously bothered by the situation.
I’m bothered too but all I can do is try to advert my eyes and keep up as Silas walks faster.
Even once we’re in the car, Levi’s still sitting in his truck.
I try not to look but it’s hard. Maybe it’s because I feel weary after everything that has happened or maybe I just still can’t understand why things had to become like this.
“Stop staring. It really makes me anxious when you look at him like that.” Silas says as he starts the car.
I turn to look at him.
He’s scowling and glaring towards Levi’s truck.
“Look at him like what?” I ask even though I should know better than to ask that.
Silas’ jaw tenses for a moment before he answers, “Like you feel sorry for him. Like you want to forgive him. Like you feel lost without him. I both love and hate how much emotion your eyes always give away. I love when it’s directed towards me, but seeing you look at anyone else like that feels like a punch to the chest. It’s even more like a punch to the chest because he doesn’t deserve for you to look at him like that.”
I let out a sigh but remain silent because I know I can’t deny what Silas is saying but I also don’t want to accidentally say something that will cause a misunderstanding.
Silas sighs as well as he leans over to buckle the seat belt that I neglected to buckle up. His face moves close to mine as he does this. Even when I hear the click, Silas’ face still lingers close to mine. “I don’t mean to sound like some possessive boyfriend, but at times it really feels like even though I can call you my girlfriend you’re still note entirely mine. Your hearts in the right place but your mind often seems somewhere else. I can’t help but feel jealous that you’re wasting thoughts on someone else when you should be enjoying your time with me.” His deep voice whispers out as his green eyes gaze at me with an intensity that sends shivers up my spine.
My stomach does a flip.
Why does he have to be so flipping hot even at a time like this? No, actually he’s hot especially at times like this.
What the heck is wrong with me?
I shake my head, not at this words but as a way to try to get myself to focus now on everything he just said.
He has a point. Maybe the way he says it isn’t exactly the best way to express it but his thoughts and feelings are valid.
I know I get distant at times and my mind keeps wandering off and I still can’t cope as well a I should be with the whole Levi situation. Perhaps I’m even coping worse now that I’ve seen how Levi really is. I still can’t connect the Levi now with the Levi I knew in the past. I just feel like something is right there or like I’m overlooking or missing another piece of the puzzle.
It doesn’t matter though. Or it matters, but maybe Silas is right that I’m letting these thoughts consume me so much that the mention or sight of Levi has me unable to look at the things happening around me.
This whole situation seems unfair, but I’m not being fair either.
Silas is right in front of me and is really trying his best to move forward and show me how he feels yet I keep getting stuck in the past.
I sigh again. I reach my hand out to press the palm of it against the left side of his face. “I’m sorry.”
Silas wraps his hand gingerly around my wrist before slowly sliding my hand towards his lips so he can place a chaste kiss on my palm. “I know it’s still hard for you. It’s hard for me too so I get it. I know I shouldn’t take out my frustration on you. I’m not trying to. I really want to be good for you. I want to make up for all the times I should have been there for you but wasn’t and all the messed up things I did or said to get your attention. So, please just for today try to look at me just a bit more.” He murmurs against my skin.
I shiver at the feeling as I take a deep well needed breath. I nod. “Okay.”
I feel him smile against the palm of my hand. As if effortlessly, he moves my hand away from his mouth before closing the short distance between us, giving a few quick pecks to my lips. He then pulls back and gives a boyish grin as he says, “I love you.”
“Me too.” I reply back with a smile as I watch him move away so he can put on his seat belt and start the car.
As Silas starts the car, I glance at the window at the truck one last time. Before I could only see the back of Levi’s head while looking towards the rear windshield glass, but now I can see Levi’s turned towards us, watching. I can’t make out the expression on his face but for some reason he looks lonely to me.
While I can’t shake my feelings towards him because of how important of a person he has been to my life, I need to try my best to let it go.
He did this to himself... It sucks but I can't keep denying the truth of the matter that he made his own choices that led to this moment and I need to make my own choices to begin to move past it.
"Goodbye, Levi." I whisper the words so quiet making sure that Silas can't hear me.
I needed to verbalize it just to get it through to myself, but I don't want Silas to misunderstand.
The only way I can move forward like I need to is by saying goodbye to the feelings I had not towards the Levi that stares towards the car, but towards the past Levi that keeps lingering on my mind. The Levi then and the Levi now are the same person but at the same time they're still like two whole different beings to me. The current things I know about Levi make me feel angry and scared but I keep hesitating to let him go over my own sentiments of the ways he took care of me and made me feel safe in the past.
I have to accept that regardless of if that was all a lie or if there was some truth to who I thought he was, that version of Levi is gone. An illusion that shattered like glass before my eyes yet I foolishly keep trying to piece it back together again.
Goodbye to those thoughts. Goodbye to those feelings. He really was important to me. He's still important to me. I loved him. I wasn't in love with him, but I loved the person I thought he was. I still love him. Maybe I always will, but I need to come to terms that the person I loved isn't the same person I see now when I look at him.
My lingering affections towards him shouldn't ruin everything else that's going on in my life now, because he wasn't the only person important to me.
I turn away, tilting my head against the window as I peer at Silas from beneath my eyelashes.
I want to cherish the things I've overlooked for so long.
I want to cherish the person who's beside me now.