14. Say something
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
- Say Something - A Great Big World
We're back in Elijah's car. Cruising slowly back to our part of town. I have my cheek pressed against the glass of the window. I can see my breath ghosting up the window. I can feel his hand on my knee. I let one of my hands rest on his. If he hadn't been there I wouldn't have made it.
He helped me back into his car, even buckled me in. Maybe I should thank him... but I feel comatose. I don't know what to do right now. I was asked to make her happy. And I could do that. I would put a real smile on my face. I would hold her, I would do anything possible to make sure that she is happy right up until the very moment she leaves this life.
I feel tears sliding down my cheeks. I don't have the strength to even wipe them away. I can feel Elijah squeezing my knee and I know he can see the tears.
I can feel all these things physically but I can't feel them mentally. My brain feels dead. I feel dead.
My hearing is numb but I can make out his words, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
I shake my head slightly. "Why?"
He squeezes my knee again. "I know how much you feel about her. I know you love her. I'll be there for you and her as long as you need me. "
I let my eyes drift over to his. "I do need you..." I never claim to need anyone, I've never asked anyone for help before. But I need Elijah now.
"We're going back to my house. Don't complain. I don't want you alone tonight. You don't have a choice."
I nod, I don't want to be alone. I won't be able to cut while with him but I don't even need that right now. I'll have the opportunity once Allie dies. I won't be alive the day after she's buried.
The drive towards my home was truly hell. I wanted so desperately to hold him against me, kiss him, and tell him I love him. I know it's not the time to tell him yet. I've loved him for so long now... I wish I had forced myself into his life sooner.
I told him that he was being brought to my house. There was no question. I knew alone he would probably cut. I had to keep him with me.
I could see his tears but didn't say anything, just let my hand caress his knee. I knew he didn't want to talk.
Finally I turn into my driveway and park in front of my garage. His fingers fumble with his belt and I push them away and undo it myself. I open my door and walk around to his, opening it. He gets out and even though I know he's only a couple inches shorter Han me he looks much smaller.
I take his hand and lead him back to my front door. I let my fingers slide out of his hand and unlock the door.
I pull him inside and shut it behind him. "Are you hungry or do you want to just sleep?"
He shakes his head. "Can we just sleep? Um... together. Unless you don't want to." I can see the look of fear in his wide eyes. He really doesn't want to be alone.
I let my hand fall back into his. I pull him from the entryway up to my bedroom. I set him on my bed and go to my closet, pulling out a pair of sweat pants and a plain t-shirt. I turn as he pulls off his clothes and puts on mine.
I walk into my closet and change into sleep pants In there. I walk out and look at him, "I hope you don't mind, I don't sleep with a shirt on." Or any clothes at all, but he's not ready for that.
He shakes his head and gets off the bed while I pull back the blankets and climb in the bed. I open my arms and he crawls into them. I press my lips against his and for the next few hours all we do is hug and kiss, no words need to be spoken. I will be his salvation.