5. By the grace of God
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron mountain
Running on empty so out of gas
Thought I wasn't enough
Found I wasn't so tough
Layin' on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it anymore
My eyes were blurring up as I looked at the five lines leaking that beautiful liquid. It was running down my arm and landing on my bed. I knew I was losing way to much blood.
And I loved the feeling. My head was pounding. I couldn't think about what I was doing. My lips pushed into a smile, a real smile.
My phone kept beeping; I didn't know how my phone survived the water. I knew the texts were from Izzy, my phone annoyingly chirping in the tone that signals a text from her. She had been texting me ever since I left the party.
'R u okay?' 'Did Elijah take u home?' 'Dude answer me'.
I should have replied but after the first few texts I just laid my phone down and let it keep chirping away. I could easily pretend my phone was ruined in the water. Elijah would be able to explain.
What I hadn't counted on tonight was Elijah…
He was like an angel to me in that moment on the beach. He defended me against his own friends, friends he's allowed to bully me before now. But tonight for some reason he didn't let it happen.
I guess it's stupid, calling him an angel after so long of knowing him.
I can't really say I know him, I just know who he is at school. His eyes have drifted towards me a few times, after his friends say things to me.
At first, my freshman, sophomore years he'd try and stop them. But I would never react. I wouldn't be entirely thankful. I know it probably hurt him but how can I really react.
I don't care what everyone says about me or does to me. In the end they're all just chalk lines on the ground.
They wash away in the rain.
I am washing away. Who will remember my chalk lines?
I slid the knife against my skin in one last line. It was pure pain this time. The knife fell from my left hand and landed on the floor, I reached towards my bedpost and held on as the wave of pain fluttered through my body.
The only thing I hated about this was that mom, dad, and Caleb (my little brother) were out of the country. Mom and dad do a lot of work away from home and Caleb is in school.
I didn't want to think about Scott and Izzy finding my body. But there was no other way. Elijah didn't force me to get into his car but there was no way he would have let me walk like I wanted to. I would have stayed, hidden, by the lake till after the party.
But he had to be protective.
Protective of me…
Like my angel…
No Will don't think like that. No one thinks of you like you matter so why think of other people like this?
My body was shaking as I held onto my bed post. I cut too much; there was no way I wouldn't pass out from it. I would pass out and then… then I will die.
Dying it's such a nice idea right now. I'll be free. I won't have to suffer anymore, is that not what I want?
I lie down on my bed and just let the feelings flow over my body. It was over.
I am free…
My phone chirped again but it wasn't the tone I have for Izzy's number. It was Allie's.
My eye's opened slightly and I couldn't help the sick feeling sliding over my very being.
I'm a monster!
I'm so sick. I'm so disgusting!
How could I do this to Allie! She needs me. I'm the only friend she has, the only person she trusts more than anyone else.
I knew I was shaking, from the pain and from the blood loss. I can't believe what I'm doing.
I thought it wouldn't affect her but I know, she'll hate me when she finds out.
It'll only be for another couple months anyways… I can hold out for her. In a few months, I'll be able to finish what I've started here. But I have to wait...
How could I forget my own best friend's pain like this. She would never forgive me for thinking about killing myself. Thinking about it. She would hate me forever if I actually did it.
Against my better judgment I found myself pulling myself away from my bed, holding onto the wall as I opened the door to my bedroom.
The pain, the pain was so great I could barely breathe.
What am I saying, I love this feeling.
But I have to hold on. Because Allie needs me. I can't let her down again.
I could feel the liquid fall onto the floor as I stumbled to the bathroom. I would need to clean this up, or come up with some stupid excuse for Izzy and Scott.
I stepped into the doorway of the bathroom and my fingers trailed up the wall to the light switch.
I can't breathe… I sat on the side of the bath tub and opened the lower cabinet which held Band-Aids and gauze.
My fingers brushed the gauze and I pulled it out, every move agonizing.
My hands moved on their own accord, desperate to keep myself from bleeding anymore of my life blood.
I could hear my phone chirp again, Allie again.
I swear she's psychic. She must know something's wrong with me but I put that thought away from my head as I wrapped the gauze all the way up from my wrist to my elbow.
I cut way to many times this time. I don't know how I'll be able to explain this…
I rested my head in my hands and stuck my head in-between my knees. I feel like I'm going to pass out…
I waited for my eyes to refocus and I looked down at my arm. I'm selfish. I'm a monster. I'm not thinking of anyone except myself.
Izzy, Scott, mom, dad, they would be disgusted that I'm so weak.
Elijah… he would be disgusted with me right now.
I staggered to my feet and got a wash clothe, I need to clean up the mess I made. Though it hurt so much, I was able to get on my knees and clean the blood off the floor leading to my bedroom.
My phone made that noise again and I sighed, Allie.
I threw the wash rag into my laundry basket and I sat on my bed next to my phone.
I picked it up and slid it open, clicking on my messages as soon as the light came on. I clicked on her name and her three texts came into focus.
Mom says we can hang out tomorrow! Let's go to the mall!
I smiled. To say her mom and dad are overprotective is an understatement. They don't let her do anything fun, ever.
Will Drayton. U better not be ignoring me!
Even though it hurt I ran my bandaged hand through my hair. She is so pushy!
William text me back!
I let out a chuckle. She knows I hate being called William and only does it when she's mad at me.
I quickly type in a text.
I can do this. I can pick her up, take her to the mall and hang out. Maybe go to the movies afterwards, buy her overpriced popcorn and have a good time.
I can do this…
Her answer was almost immediate.
I smiled again and ran my hand over her name on the screen.
I clicked on Izzy's and thought I should face the fire. 19 texts, all asking if I'm okay, if I got home, or if Elijah is secretly a hatchet murderer and locked my body in his basement.
I couldn't help the laughter that burst from my mouth. It'd been so long since anything could make me laugh quite like that. Good job Iz.
I texted her back saying Elijah isn't a secret hatchet murderer as far as I know, I'm fine; phone was off, yadda yadda yadda. And I would be asleep when they got home.
I glanced at my clock and realized it was almost midnight. Yeah it's time for sleep.
I could take something for the pain but I think I'll try and sleep through it. I need to feel this, to feel the pain.
Next time I will take care of this for good…
I lie back on my bed and shut my eyes. Thinking of those beautiful gold and green eyes. Elijah… I wish you could really save me.
But it will never… ever happen.