Not In Control

All Rights Reserved ©


This story is about a girl named Tara who is exploring her sexuality. Tara doesn’t like labels whether she is gay, straight, lesbian, or bisexual...she wants to be loved! Who doesn’t? But her issues are holding her back! Will she find love? Start reading and you will find out!

Romance / Erotica
4.8 12 reviews
Age Rating:

Chapter 1 Morning Routine

Author’s Note:

Thank you for choosing my book. I hope you enjoy it as much as I wanted to write it.

I try to update one chapter everyday but sometimes life gets in te way!

A little thing beforehand maybe if you don’t get it. There are different timelines written throughout the book. For example the first chapter is written in the present and the second is in the past!



Strong sexual content, graphic sex scenes, rape scenes, disturbing content, 18+ readers only!

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

This book is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of physicians. The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his/her health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention.

Copyright © 2020 Kavita Devie. All Rights Reserved.
All work created and posted on this account is property of Kavita Devie

It was a rainy day when I woke up this morning. I quickly took a shower, brushed my teeth, and ran out the door.

I hadn’t had breakfast, which my stomach had something to say about. But my stomach and I argued all the time and right now we weren’t on speaking terms.

The bus stop is not that far from my house but I had to go through several dark alleys to get there. Scary thoughts entered my mind when I walk through them, imagining someone appearing in front of me and scaring me or someone chasing me with a chainsaw.

Yeah, I have a wild imagination and thankfully my thoughts have never become reality. Music is my second obsession; doesn’t matter what kind but I’m a sucker for good lyrics. The kind that makes you relive any moment in your life by only listening to it. So, my iPod and me are inseparable.

Luckily, I am on time for the bus and grabbed a seat in the back. I had to travel for an hour to get to school. I had to take the bus, the train, the subway, and walk for ten minutes.
When I reach my stop, I run to the station, avoiding the rain and get to the platform where my train departs for Rotterdam central station.

That’s when I see him again. So much for my plan to leave early so I could avoid him. I see him looking for me in the crowd. I’m trying to hide from him by standing behind some tall men. He is wearing dark skinny jeans, a white shirt and a leather jacket on top. Suddenly he spots me and our eyes meet. He has beautiful green eyes, eyes that could devour you, eyes so beautiful that you could just stare into them forever. His name is Jay, and he is the ex of my best friend.

That’s a lie.

She is not my best friend anymore. So, he is the ex of my ex-best friend. He has a face that could be on the cover of a magazine. High cheekbones, a perfect nose and has a slightly muscular body because he is a semi-professional swimmer.

I hear the song on my iPod playing from Usher.

“You make me wanna leave the one I’m with…Start a new relationship with you...This is what you do!”

Great timing, iPod. Sometimes I have a feeling that my iPod has a mind of its own. I think that this sums up the whole situation well from his point of view.

Jay walks up to me and I try to walk a little bit further into the crowd so he can’t reach me. Suddenly I see him standing in front of me.

“Hey,” he says with a smile on his face.

His green eyes shine and I get a warm feeling inside of me when he looks at me like that.

Jay is two years older than me. I’m 16 years old and studying mechanical engineering. He studies law and wants to become an attorney just like his father.

He’s been coming to this station to see me every morning for months now. His home is two blocks away from his own university. I think it’s a ten-minute walk. He must like me very much if he’s willing to travel one hour extra every morning to meet me.

“Jay, why are you here, again?” I ask.

“Because my morning isn’t complete without you in it, baby,” he says.

“Oh my god, could you stop flirting in the morning!” I say annoyed and I kick him.

“Ouch, I didn’t know you had special opening hours for flirting!” he responds.

“Yeah, but those are only open for people that can actually flirt!” I respond, laughing.

Jay is a very confident guy and if you look past that you will notice he is sensitive and caring as well.

We hop on the train and he grabs my hand and says, “follow me.”

I obey and take a seat next to him. I quickly pull my hand back and you can see the disappointment in his eyes.

I grab a newspaper and start reading but feel two eyes burning into me.

“Can you stop that please?” I say with a stern voice.

“Why, am I making you nervous?” he says.

“No, you are being awkward!” I respond. He smiles at me and looks away.

The train will take 30 minutes before we arrive at Rotterdam Central Station. I can feel my heart beating faster every time he looks at me.

“Could you please have a normal conversation with me?” he asks.

“I could, but don’t know if you would like my answers,” I respond.

We had this conversation too many times.

“Please, tell me why you are ignoring me?” he asks.

“You know why, I can’t do this to Kate even though we are not friends anymore,” I respond, confused by my own answer.

“Why does it have to be so complicated? I like you, Tara, can’t you just understand that?” he asks with a frown on his face.

Understanding, that’s what got me in trouble in the first place.

“I can be very understanding. But even if I feel the same way I will never act upon my feelings for you.”

That’s a lie; I don’t know for how long I can keep this up!

“So, you have feelings?” he responds.

“That is all you heard? Oh my god, you drive me crazy!!” I yell and throw my arms in the air.

“Ditto!” He responds and looks at me with his big green eyes.

I sit there silent. Every time we get into this discussion it turns into this.

“I wish things were different” I say with a sigh.

“Me too.” He tells me while crossing his arms around his middle.

The train stops at the next station and I look at all the people getting out of the train. Everyone is in a hurry to be somewhere. I see a beautiful girl standing there waiting for the next train and I stare at her. She has long brown hair and is wearing a long teddy jacket. I love those comfy jackets.

Jay notices me staring and looks confused. “Hey,” he says. “That girl is waving at you.” I look again and see that beautiful girl waving at me. Well, it’s not polite not to wave back so I wave at her with a smile on my face.

“Do you know her?” he asks.

“Never seen her in my life,” I respond.

“Well, you have that effect on people, you’re so beautiful that even strangers want to wave at you.”

“Okay, Jay, stop that before I’m going to throw up!” I reply, briefly closing my eyes against the sting of exhaustion.

I know he wants more but I’m afraid what will happen if I give in.

We arrive at the station. I get up and he does too, our eyes meet each other and the train hits the brakes making it hard to stand straight. I crash right into him. He catches me and holds me in his arms. He smells so nice and his body is so masculine.

This is where I’ve wanted to be all along.

“Sorry about that,” I say, not meaning a word of it.

“I don’t mind,” he says with a shy smile on his face and I slip behind him running out of the train.

It’s raining outside; thank god for the subway. I get into the subway and Jay follows me. It is very crowded and I can feel him standing very close to me. This is why I try to avoid him every morning. I don’t know how long I can resist his charm, his delicious cologne that invades my nostrils every morning. Those big green eyes that look at me with so much passion.

I can see girls staring at him but he doesn’t notice them. Why doesn’t he find another girl? He could have anyone he wants.

The subway is moving and the next stop is mine. Jay has the next.

“See you tomorrow,” he says and I look at him and walk away.

“Bye Jay, behave yourself at school!” I say sarcastically.

“Yes, Mom,” he says and winks at me.

I smile at him and walk away from his pretty face.


I see my classmates sitting in front of the school.

“Hey, Tara, you’re early,” Angie says.

Angie is my classmate and the only friend I have in school. I get along with everyone but don’t have many friends. I’m kind of a loner if you think about it.

Angie is a drama girl. I never had a conversation with her that didn’t involve a boy. Even when we’re discussing homework we end up talking about a boy. I don’t know how she does it.

“Yes, I’m early though I would do some homework before our class.”

“Well, one thing is for sure your one handsome nerd, have you tapped that ass yet?” she says. I look at her confused.

“What ass?” I ask with a frown on my face.

“That ass off that boy you’ve been seeing every morning” she responds laughing.

Angie had seen Jay once when he walked me to school and she reminds me every time we see each other that I should go for it.

“No, Angie. I’m going to the library. Are you coming?” I ask.

She nods and walks with me.

Our school is built by a famous architect. It has a large ceiling made of glass. Everything is made of sustainable materials and it generates its electricity with solar panels that rotate with the sun. I walk to the library, find a seat and open my book on statistics. I love doing homework hence to nerd remark from Angie.

The day goes by very fast and I see a text message from Jay on my phone:

Hey, Taar sorry if I said something that offended you. Just want to be near you, that’s enough for me! See you tomorrow morning xxx

I feel a warm and odd feeling inside of me. I care for him very much. But what does it say of me if I let him in like that?

Finally, classes are over and Angie tells me something about a boy that’s she has been dating but she thinks he’s too clingy.

“Why did you even go on a date with him if you thought that?” I ask.

“I thought it was cute at first but now he’s texting me every hour,” she laughs.

“Well, you should just ignore him then,” I give as advice, not that she will every listen. Angie has a mind off her own and nobody can ever tell her what to do.

“Nahh, can’t ignore him, I love messing with him,” she responds.

On my way to the station I plug my earphones in my iPod and hear a song from Oasis playing.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding…And all the lights that lead us there are blinding…There are many things that I Would like to say to you but I don’t know how!

It’s raining and I walk very fast to the subway. It’s getting very cold but that text from Jay makes me feel warm inside. Maybe this time I should let it go. See what will happen. It has been months that we’ve been hanging out now.

So, I decide to text him.

I’m willing to see where this goes but I want to take it slow! xxx Tara


Slow is the new way to go, I can’t wait to see you tomorrow! Love Jay

Continue Reading Next Chapter
Further Recommendations

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Courtney: I absolutely LOVE this series. I find myself starting a new book before I even realize one had ended. I've read many books about shifters but none have held my attention the way these do.

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nicolehensley0581: Good story but the ending should be she leaves and finds love elsewhere

scionmama18: Gee whiz!! Things moved fast 😳 😁😁. Now he can tell his daughter he is going out....get laid and a workout!!

henslerA: Really love the plot and writing style of the book. Such an amazing story

klwilson40: I have absolutely loved this series!

Re: It doesn't fit well for the ending..their story just begun. 😱😱 but its already the end. 😥😥 anyhow, thing is a good thing.

Jennifer Leigh Anne Ciliska: Awesome read thank you for sharing your story with me

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