Not In Control

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Chapter 20 Am I To Blame For This?

Author’s note:

Hey Everyone, This is my 20th chapter. It feels good to write and I’ll hope you are loving my story?


It’s been two weeks since Jay and I broke up. I haven’t spoken to him since. I have to be honest it’s taking all of my self-restraint not to call or text him. I even deleted his number but who am I kidding? I know his number by heart.

I haven’t told my parents yet and I wonder if Jay’s dad knows if we broke up? When we were together there were moments that we didn’t see each other for two weeks but we spoke to each other.

I’m missing the small things like sharing my grades from school. Or what happened at home and telling him my sister got a part in a famous TV show.

I’m going to drop the bomb tomorrow when we will be all home for dinner with my parents. Even my sister doesn’t know and if she asks me something about him, I tell her that he is busy with his internship.

I’ve been distracting myself with school and have been photographing at the weekends. I love street photography: the way you can capture someone’s expression without someone posing for you. It makes you aware that everybody is going through something. Sometimes I make photographs of people and make up stories for them. I liked to do that with Jay.

We would sit in a cafe facing the street and talking about the life of people walking by. It reminds me of an old couple walking by holding hands, and me telling Jay: “That’s us in the future, old married and still happy together.”

It’s 2.10 a.m. and I’m still turning in bed. Suddenly I feel my phone vibrating and I grab it. I can see Mr. Singh’s name appearing on my screen. Why is he calling me? And at this hour? Does he know we broke up?

“Hi, Mister Singh,” I respond anxiously.

“Hi Tara, sorry to call you this late. But I need to tell you that Jay has been admitted to the hospital. The doctors don’t know if he will make it and he’s asking for you,” he says crying.

“Oh my God, what happened?!” I ask.

“Could you come to the hospital, it‘s the same hospital his mother was in so I can explain everything to you,” he responds crying even harder now.

“I will wake my mother, see you soon,” I respond.

My heart is pounding fast. What happened? He won’t make it? I run downstairs towards my parents’ bedroom.

“Mom,” I say crying. “Mommmmm!”

My mother startles and looks at me.

“What’s wrong, dear?” she asks me.

“Jay has been admitted to the hospital, could you please bring me?”

“Huh, hospital? What happened?” she asks.

“I don’t know that’s why I need to be there, the d-d-doctors don’t kn-kn-know if he will make it!” I say crying.

“Let’s go!” my mother responds and jumps out of bed.

“What’s wrong?” my father asks. “Nothing, just go back to sleep I will explain everything later,” my mother responds.

We brush our teeth together in the bathroom and I can’t stop crying. I change into comfy clothes and my mother does too.

Within ten minutes we’re already in the car driving towards the hospital. Flashbacks of me and Jay go through my mind. I wonder if I could have done anything to prevent this from happening? Should I have called him? He broke up with me! But did I let him go too easily?

I call Mr. Singh to ask where I have to be. “The ER,” he responds. And my heart beats even faster. My mother parks the car and I make a run for it.

The hospital is closed at this hour so I have to ring the bell.

“Hello, this is security. How may I help you?”

“Hi, I’m here for Jay Singh. He’s been taken in the ER,” I respond.

“Okay, Miss, I’ll open the door for you,” the security guard responds.

I hear a buzz and I push the door open. There are directional signs for the ER so I follow them and see Jay’s dad waiting in the waiting room.

I walk towards him with tears in my eyes and I can see that he’s still crying too.

“What happened?” I ask him.

He says nothing just grabs me and starts crying. did Jay just die? Why is he not saying anything! After a while I push him away and ask him again.

“What happened?”

“Jay took an overdose of drugs and tried to kill himself!” he responds.

“He did what? Why? When?” I ask. I hear a voice in my head.

Am I to blame for this? What did you do Jay?

“AJ found him unconscious in the bathroom. He ran up to my room and I called the ambulance immediately. The doctors examined him and told me he had a lot of drugs in his blood. He’s been in and out of consciousness and is mumbling your name,” he tells me.

“Can I see him?” I ask.

“Yeah, he’s in there dear,” I can’t watch this brings up too much memories for me. I can’t lose him to!” Mr. Sing responds.

I walk in to the room holding my breath. I can see Jay lying there, he’s pale and there are a lot of tubes connected to his body. I can hear a heart monitor beeping, the sound of it normally is very annoying but it soothes me knowing Jay is alive. He’s sleeping and I take a seat next to him. I grab his hand and hold it.

“What did you do, Tiger?” I whisper.

I can see Jay’s eyes open and closing. He opens them again and looks at me.

“Hey,” he says with a very hurt expression in his eyes.

“Hey,” I say and kiss him on his cheek.

His eyes are red and he has dark circles under them. His lips are swollen and he has a cut on them.

“You came,” he answers.

“You didn’t have to end up in a hospital for me to come see you,” I respond with tears in my eyes.

“Hey, don’t cry,” Jay answers.

“How can I not? Look at you! What happened, Jay?,” I ask him, afraid of what he might answer.

Suddenly I hear things beeping and Jay’s body is shaking. Doctors and nurses are running in and out.

“Jay!” I scream. A nurse holds me and tells me to exit the room. But I don’t even listen to what she’s saying.

“Miss, please, let us take care of him,” and she pushes me out of the room.

I stand there outside his room. I fall down on my knees crying in the hallway. My mother runs towards me and takes me into her arms.

“I can’t’ lose him, Mom,” I say while looking into her eyes. She nods and pulls me into a seat. Jay’s father stands there frozen to the ground. We wait what feels like an eternity. Finally, a doctor comes to see us.

“Mister Singh?” he asks.

“Yes, that’s me,” he responds.

“Your son is stable right now. We still have to keep an eye on him, we will know after 24 hours if he will make it. You may see him now but just one person at a time. He needs his rest.”

“Thank you,” Mr. Singh responds and I can see he’s going through hell.

The doctor nods and leaves us.

“You go first,” Mr. Singh says to me.

“Are you sure?” I ask.

“Yes, he loves you very much, Tara,” Mr. Singh responds. I nod and walk into the room again.

A nurse is doing something with him and I take a seat again next to him.

“He’s a fighter,” she tells me. And I just nod. I take his hand in mine and squeeze it a little. “You can talk to him; he can hear you,″ she says and leaves the room.

“Please, don’t die, Jay. I love you,” I whisper. “Whatever happens we can get through this; we are stronger together. I can’t live without you. These past two weeks have been hell for me,” I continue.

I just sit there holding his hand and looking to the ground.

“I love you too,” I hear him whispering.

I smile and cry at the same time. I can’t control my emotions anymore.

“Please don’t leave me again,” I tell him.

“Never,” he responds.

“Good,” I respond.

He looks at me. I stand up and kiss him on his mouth. I can feel a smile on his mouth when he kisses me back.

“I’m going to switch with your father; he’s wants to see you to!” I tell him.

He nods and tries to smile at me. I kiss him on his forehead and leave him.

“Mister Singh, you can go in. He’s awake,” I tell his father.

“Thank you, Tara,” he responds.

My mother pulls me into her arms. “Mom, is he going to make it?” I ask.

“I don’t know, dear; I’ve spoken to the doctors and to be honest with you it doesn’t look good. But they can’t tell yet because his body needs to fight. That’s why he needs his rest.”

I nod. I know my mother will give it to me straight; she always has.

It’s 7am already and we’ve been here for four hours; what feels like much more.

“Just go home, Tara. You need some sleep. I will call you if something happens,” says Mr. Singh

“No, I want to stay here with Jay,” I respond.

“You can’t do much for him now and we aren’t allowed to see him.”

“Okay, but please call me. I will be back after a few hours of sleep,” I respond.

He nods and kisses me on my forehead. “I’m glad Jay has you,” he responds. I feel guilty for not being there for him these past two weeks. If only I called him could I have prevented this from happening?

We arrive home and I just pull of my clothes off and get into bed. My eyes feel heavy. I don’t want to sleep but I can’t fight it anymore. I fall asleep dreaming of Jay…

Author’s note:

What did you think happened with Jay? I’m curious what your

Thank you for reading my novel and please tap the heart beneath this! Keeps me motivated to go on!

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