Not In Control

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Chapter 34 Everything Sucks

Kate is pushing me. Distracting me so that she can win this bet. But I’m not going to let her!

“Cheater!” I yell at her while keeping my focus on what’s happening in front of me. I love Tara Croft or should I say Angelina Jolie. The way she can handle herself and stand up to danger; I love it. I wish I could be so strong. I see men approaching from my side and I kill them but Kate is too late...Game Over it says in her screen.

“Ahh! I won!” I yell while bouncing from foot to foot.

Kate looks at me with pouted lips. But then her face turns into a wide grin “Well, I could never lose this bet because now I get to know what dirty thoughts you were having about me,” she says while winking at me.

“I can’t believe I just fell into your trap,” I say like I’m defeated but actually I’m excited to receive a lap dance from Kate.

“Okay, tell me,” Kate says and steps closer in my direction. She pulls me in for a hug while her mouth is beside my ear. “What do you want me to do to you?”

My palms are sweaty and my hands are trembling. What does she do to me? I don’t even have the courage to answer her question.

I stumble on my words “I-I-I w-want you to g-give me a lap dance,” I say while my cheeks burn.

Kate’s eyes squint with an inner glow of mischief.

“I’m all up for making your dreams come true, but I have dance practice tonight.”


It’s Thursday, I’m looking at the clock. Well, I have been for three hours. It’s 09.23 a.m. I can’t eat or drink anything for the procedure so there’s no point going downstairs. I have been neglecting my school for the past weeks. I need to do better when I’m through with this. I turned on music in my room and My Immortal is on repeat from Evanescence:

I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

This past week has been amazing with Kate, but Jay is always in the back of my mind. I can’t seem to erase him. It’s like he’s chasing me all the time and I can’t seem to escape him. I cried myself to sleep so many nights. Maybe it’s the hormones getting the best of me and when this thing is out of me, I can be sane again.

I decide to take a shower, the only place I might relax. I stand there letting the hot water fall on my body. I can feel the warm water massaging my tensed spots. I relax slowly but it is not enough. I need some release. I’ve been masturbating for a few years now. I fantasize about different people when I do. Whatever gets me off the easiest way. I can’t cum if I don’t fantasize about a certain person. Sometimes I imagine someone watching me or that I’m caught in the act. I know, my mind is weird that way.

I close my eyes and slowly put the shower head on my nipples pretending someone is caressing and pinching them. A sharp gasp escapes my lips as the sensation builds up in me. I slowly move the shower head towards the most precious part that can only give me release in this moment. This time I imagine Kate in between my legs standing before me on her knees looking into my eyes, her beautiful ashen-coloured eyes devouring me. I apply pressure to my jewel, almost finding its release. When I’m almost there I stop. I’m torturing myself...well Kate is in my mind. My thighs clenched around her head and her tongue finding just the right spots. She stops when I’m almost there making me frustrated and ready for a big explosion at the same time. This time she doesn’t stop. I’m gasping for a release. I come in cascading waves letting this sensation rip through me.

“Oh my god, yesss…Kate,” I moan. I’m still on edge my shower head prolonging my orgasm when I suddenly see a different face before me. I will never forget his face but I desperately want to. I am panting in fear and hear him in the back of my mind.

“Scream for me”

I feel my hand clutching the shower head and my body turns numb, tears falling down from my eyes. My whole body is not mine in this moment. I feel disgusting and filthy. All my hairs are lifted on the back of my neck. He’s invading everything in my mind. Now he even ruined the place I come to relax. I’m sweating while I’m in the shower. I imagine myself wandering away not being in my body. I need to erase this feeling that’s going through me right now. I quickly put on some shower gel and wash my hair. I need to get out of here.


Kate is already standing in front of the clinic when I arrive, her eyes telling me that it’s going to be fine. She hugs me before we walk in. My chest tightens when we walk in. I haven’t eaten and my body is craving some comfort food. Kate tells the lady at the counter that we are here for our appointment. I sit down at the nearest seat I find in the waiting room.

My eyes glance at the clock: in about ten minutes I need to be strong. I need to find my inner Mom; I know it’s in there somewhere. Kate sits close next to me, her hand on my leg, squeezing it.

It’s cold in the waiting room or perhaps it’s just my body turning hot and cold. There are other people sitting in the waiting room but I don’t pay any attention to them. My mind is telling me to calm down but my body doesn’t comply. A nurse comes to get me and I turn to Kate.

“I’m right here waiting for you,” she tells me with her comforting smile. She stands up and hugs me and I hold her a while longer than I normally do. Her face nods for me to go and I walk with the nurse to a small room.

Time to be strong.

The nurse gives me a pill I need to take for my cervix to soften so that it can slightly open during the procedure. I had three options for anaesthesia and choose for anaesthesia by means of an injection in the arm with a painkiller, which works for about five minutes, so long enough to undergo the treatment without pain.

The nurse tells me to put on a surgical gown that covers up everything; it’s not made to keep you warm though, so a cold draught invades the open spaces of my surgical gown.

The nurse tells me something about what’s going to happen but I don’t even listen. My mind is traveling far away from this moment. It’s like someone’s going to rape me again and I don’t have any influence over it. The nurse smiles and looks at me confused. I think I am supposed to say something.

“Sorry, I didn’t get that?” I say while trying to concentrate on her question.

“Are you feeling alright?” she asks.

“Well, I’m fine. So far you can be fine in my position,” I tell her with a fake smile on my face.

She looks at me with a compassionate smile. She puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes it a little letting me know she’s here for me. She gives me the injection and leaves me alone for a moment. I swallow while crossing the and uncrossing my arms and legs.

The doctor comes back in with the nurse and tells me what she’s going to do. I don’t listen, all I can hear are whispers that never reach me. I lie there with my legs wide open. My body tremors from lying in this position.

A sucking machine is turned on and the doctor puts it in between my legs. Although they gave me sedation, I feel everything she’s doing. There’s a tube entering my vagina. I feel a light sting in my stomach. The tube that’s connected to the machine is transparent and I can see blood flowing.

The nurse looks at me and squeezes my hand. Asking me with her eyes if I’m okay and I nod. I don’t want to or need to speak in this moment. I just want this to be over with. After the doctor is done, I’m placed in a recovery room with two other girls. They have that same look on their faces, like someone just ripped something out of them and they need to sit in this room with people that shared the same experience. They are talking about it but I don’t want to.

I don’t want to feel right now and talking about it makes the things in my head real. Thankfully they don’t try to talk to me. I just lie there with my eyes closed thinking about my mother. She had been through so many surgeries that we lost count. What did she feel? Was it something like I’m experiencing now?

After a few hours the nurse tells me that I can go and what kind of symptoms may appear. I nod and change into my comfy Adidas sweats and walk to the waiting room where Kate is waiting for me. She looks at me and tears are flowing down her face. I walk up to her and hold her while stroking her back. I don’t know if she’s crying because of what she went through? I don’t need to know I just want to eat and lie in my bed all day.

“Come home with me,” Kate says to me. “You can stay the night, let me take care of you,” she says, her big beautiful grey eyes looking in mine, her hands around my neck pulling me closer while she gives me a kiss on my mouth. Her eyebrows are drawn together looking worried—about what I might answer.

I want to be alone right now. But being with Kate gives me distraction. Maybe that’s what I need right now. I can avoid my parents asking me questions about why I’m sick. I nod giving in to her need to take care of me. I see her eyes dancing and her face smiling from my simple nod.

“I need food,” I tell her while caressing my belly.

“Good, let’s get you some food and eat at home, I brought my car,” Kate tells me with a bubbly voice.


When we arrive at Kate’s house no one is home, her parents are still at work. Kate drove through the drive-in to get a fish filet with fries from McDonald’s. I needed some comfort food. We eat and I take pain killers and the antibiotics that have been given to me. I yawn and stretch myself. I feel pain but it’s distant.

“I’m going to lie down.”

“You go ahead. I will bring you a hot water bottle for you cramps.”

I nod and walk upstairs and crawl into Kate’s bed. I spend a lot of nights here with her. Her room is still the same except there are pictures of Kate in dance positions hanging on the wall. I made those pictures and we ended up having sex because after I made them because I was aroused as fuck. As I admire Kate’s room with all the shades of pink you can imagine I doze off thinking about rainbows and pain.

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