Not In Control

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Chapter 42 Hung Like A Mosquito

Kate and I have been dating for four months now. Feels like a lot longer. The way we interact with each other and bicker we look like an old couple. I love Kate in a different way than I did with Jay. But I definitely love her! She just gave me a lap dance and we just had sex. But I need to find some release soon because I’m horny as hell.

Kate looks at me and smiles naughtily at me. With her sparkling eyes telling me that she knows what I need without even saying it. We are at Leiden Central station waiting for the bus and Kate is holding my hand. She kisses me softly on my lips and whispers in my ears “I know your wet for me”.

My heart beats faster hearing her whisper those words and wet isn’t the correct expression anymore. It’s more like the Atlantic Ocean between my legs. She kisses me again, although it’s making matters worse for me. Two boys are standing on the opposite side checking us out but I ignore them. This happens when two girls kiss each other in public. Boys keep staring at you and it’s annoying. They are approaching us and I brace myself for the stupid remarks they are going to make.

“Hey, girls,” one of the boys tells us.

“Hey” Kate responds curtly.

“Can I join you two?” he asks with a filthy smile on his face.

“Join us for what?” Kate asks. I don’t know why Kate even participates in these conversations, but she enjoys herself so I let her.

“For a trio” the boy responds with a wide grin on his face.

“And you think that your centimeter-peter is going to help with that?” she responds while narrowing her eyes in between the boy’s legs.

He wasn’t expecting that and it takes him a while to respond to that.

“It’s not so small as you think,” he tells Kate.

“No, I bet you are hung like a mosquito” Kate laughs. Our bus is here so thankfully we can get away from this conversation. I grab Kate’s hand and drag her towards the bus.

“Hey, I was having fun,” she tells me with a pouted mouth. I don’t get why boys have to react like this. Is it that they are offended that we don’t need them? I mean could you imagine me walking up to a heterosexual couple and asking them if I could join them for a threesome? Well, if I would do that, I would receive a faster yes than that boy that just harassed us. But that isn’t my point.

We get on the bus and my phone rings. It’s my mother so I pick up the phone.

“Hey, mom, what’s up?” I ask her.

“Dear, where are you right now? she asks me. You ever got a feeling that is someone is asking you something but they got an ulterior motive? That’s what this question was telling me.

“I’m on the bus,” I tell her.

“Okay, dear are you coming home today?” she asks me.

“Why do you need me to be home? What’s is going on?” I ask her wanting her to cut to the chase.

“Nothing, but I need you home tomorrow and bring Kate with you,” she tells me and hangs up the phone before I can even respond. I run my hands through my hair, that’s weird what was that about?

Kate looks at me and sees me biting my lip. I got a bad feeling about this. “Kate, my mother just asked me to come over tomorrow and to bring you with me,” I tell her while thoughts enter my mind about what this could be about.

“Okay,” Kate reacts don’t worrying about it. Kate isn’t someone you scare easily. She just deals with everything that comes her way but worrying that is not a quality of Kate. I on the other hand can scare myself with a thousand thoughts at the same time. I will picture every scenario possible in my head, being well prepared for anything that will come at me. And having a wild imagination doesn’t help with that either.

From our encounter with the boys and the phone call from my mom, I cured myself of my lustfulness. Kate grabs my hands and rubs them. “Get out of that head of yours,” she tells me. She knows me well and I like that about her. Sometimes I think she knows me better than myself. We walk towards Kate’s house and I can’t keep the thought out of my mind that my mother knows about me and Kate...


After a busy night in Kate’s bed and a lovely breakfast with Kate’s parents, we grab Kate’s car and drive towards my house. Kate’s hand is resting on my leg caressing and squeezing it while she drives me home. She looks at me and she smiles at me trying to calm me down.

“Ready, Kate asks me?” while squeezing in my leg again. I put my hand on hers and nod. “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be ready for,” I tell her.

“Let’s find out,” Kate tells me and gets out of the car. We walk towards my home and I open the door. I see Jazz her face and she lip syncs “I’m sorry” to me. My heart beats fast by seeing the pained expression on her face.

They parents know! But who told them? My sister? Is that why she’s sorry?

“Tara and Kate, please come sit with us in the living room,” My mother tells me.

We walk towards the living room and I sit next to Kate. Kate is still relaxed and my muscles are tensing up. I know by now that something terrible is about the come because of the way my mother is speaking to me. I recognize her tone of voice and I’m fucked. My father sits there on the sofa and just looks to the ground. He doesn’t say anything.

“Reshmie mausie called me yesterday” she starts explaining. “She told me that she saw you and Kate kissing on the station and holding hands. Could you please explain to me what you two were doing?” my mother asks me with pressing a hand to her stomach. Like she’s about to throw up.

mausie is another word for aunt

Kate looks at me and my mother and repeats this. Her expression changes suddenly. She’s biting her lip and rubbing her hands up and down her pants.

“Well, Reshmie mausie saw things right. Kate and I have been dating for four months now.” I tell my mother while looking straight into her eyes. I need to see what her first reaction is. I need to know what she thinks about this.

My mother shakes her head and mutters a swear word in Hindi. She swallows hard and covers her mouth like she’s going to throw up. That’s how she thinks about this. She is disgusted by me and Kate.

“Tara, I’m going to explain this to you ones, and I’m not going to repeat myself. This relationship you have with Kate is not healthy. This is not a way to live, a man is supposed to be with a woman. I don’t know what happened to you, did I do something wrong to deserve this? Did I do something wrong in your upbringing?”

I look at my mother and I can’t even cry. What was I expecting? That she would accept this? Maybe somewhere I had hoped..stupid me. I’m embarrassed even that Kate is sitting next to me. She’s sitting next to me dumbfounded not knowing what to say, that’s a first. But then suddenly Kate clears her throat and says: “Mrs. Gopal, I’m sorry I put you through this. I love your daughter very much. But you see, it hurts me to see that you are not accepting her love for me. My love for her is so strong that I can’t see her suffer. I can’t come between her parents; I don’t think I have a right to do that. My parents mean the world to me and I would never allow for a relationship to come between us. Please forgive Tara, I won’t bother her anymore.”

“I’m sorry, Tara. I love you please know that” Kate tells me with tears in her eyes. She stands up and walks away out the door and I just sit there. Do I go after her? What the fuck just happened? Did I just lose another person? I just sit there don’t say anything and look at my dad. I’m always been the apple of his eye. Maybe he can help me?

“Dad, please help me?” I beg him. My dad doesn’t even look at me. He turns his chair around facing me with his back. “You are disgusting,” my father says to me without even looking at me.

Those words felt like a sharp pain of a knife going through my heart. My father, the one I can always rely on is disgusted by me. Where does that leave me? My eyes fill with tears and I sniff while wiping my nose with my sleeves. I stare down at my empty hands and feel my chest aching.

What did I do loving a woman wrong?

I walk away towards my room and lock the door behind me. I hear someone knocking and I know that’s my sister but I don’t open the door. I just need to be alone right now. I need to listen to some music and calm down. I put on my earbuds and the song of Britney Spears - Everytime

Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong?
Why carry on without me?

And every time I try to fly I fall
Without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And every time I see
You in my dreams
I see your face
It’s haunting me
I guess I need you baby

Tears keep falling down my face and I just lie there on my bed with a grave expression on my face. I’m empty inside, I feel fatigued and it’s like all the energy is drained out of me. Why does everyone leave me so easily? First Jay and now Kate, why don’t they even ask for my opinion? Does my opinion even matter to anyone? Maybe, it’s hard to love me so if you have the option to leave me why not choose it? My parents will never approve of me loving a woman. I don’t think I want to love at all. Never will I let anyone in my life again and allow them to leave me so easily. It fucking hurts being left alone. How can someone just leave someone so easily? Don’t I mean anything? am I worth nothing? A few hours ago, we were in a loving relationship and just a few seconds ago I turned into nothing. Meaning nothing to her. How the fuck does someone do that? I don’t know how you can just leave everything we build in these four months. I thought I meant more than that, I was a fool in believing that. I was a fool for loving someone again.

I vow to never love again!

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