Please kill me.
I could hear his footsteps coming like two thundering drums banging directly into my ears.
If I shut off the light and hide under my blanket he might not find me.
Please don’t let him find me.
The creaky hinge to my bedroom door alerts me to his presence and I can already smell his sickening cologne.
“Little Liam” a voice says in the darkness, but I refuse to come out from hiding “Did you miss me?” he spoke again in his funny accent. I forced myself to stop breathing just to be a little more quieter, he can’t find me. Not this time.
The bed dips as his heavyweight slides in next to me, slipping under the covers to reveal his naked, hairy, grown body right before my face. Coming up for air I am greeted with a disgusting smile that makes my insides churn, the true face of evil.
I could scream, but nobody would come to my rescue.
I could cry, but that wouldn’t stop him.
I’m powerless, there’s no escape.
“Touch it.” He said with a warning behind his voice, one that I know so well.
“I... don’t ... want to.” I pleaded, but I knew he was going to make me anyway.
“I’m not paying for what you want, I’m paying for what I want. Now touch it.” he was stern and showed no sympathy towards me. He came here to get what he wanted and he didn’t care if he ruined me in the process.
I didn’t touch it. I kept my small hands firmly by my sides protesting by refusal, the only way I could. The anger was rising in his ugly face, I was going to get into so much trouble for this. They might even kill me.
Please kill me.
“Fine. You won’t touch it with your hands, you’ll touch it with your mouth.”
He grabbed my hair and yanked my head downwards, forcing my face into his crotch.
Abruptly I was pulled from my subconscious, not wanting to relive my hellish childhood through the constant nightmares. My heart raced and sweat bled through my skin as I panted back my breath, feeling the familiar bile rise at the back of my throat.
Push him out of your mind Liam, don’t think about him.
Water from the shower washed away the night terrors but nothing ever makes me feel truly clean, I keep lathering more and more soap into my body subliminally trying to wash him out of my mind. I have a few stern words with myself in the mirror before leaving my room to face the music of this unhappy household.
Jax is sitting in his armchair, he rarely moves out of it. Eight thirty in the morning but he already has a can in his hand and he’s swearing at Good Morning America wearing nothing but white boxer shorts that no longer look white.
“Where is she?” I ask with tension to my voice, I don’t know why I’m asking because he doesn’t care if she’s lying dead in a ditch somewhere.
“Out.” He said whistling his words through his missing teeth.
“When will she be back?” He doesn’t take his eyes off the t.v.
“When I say she can come back and not before.”
Trying to engage with him is completely pointless so instead I head to the kitchen to make my school lunch. The first cupboard is empty, nothing but some stale crackers. The fridge has cans of beer, that’s all. The second cupboard has bread in but there are small, hairy patches of mold covering the surface.
“There’s no food” I shout in to Jax.
“Well fooking buy some then.” he replied, launching his beer can in my direction. It hit the wall right beside me and splattered leftover beer up the wall. He didn’t even look to see if he had hit me, he just faced the television reaching for another can. This place is toxic.
The familiar honk of Jordans car echoed through my house and I was just felt relieved to have somewhere else to be for the next six hours, summer was a bitch.
Jordan was the best guy I knew, but he was also a real dick. He got his kicks from winding people up, he knew all the right buttons to press and he pressed them all. But to me he was fiercely loyal and kept his nose out of my business, I respected that.
“I got new stereo speakers in the car, check it out!” That was his greeting to me, did I mention he was obsessed with his car?
On the entire journey to school Jordan boomed rap music down my ears, it was welcoming because it was loud enough to not hear myself think and I really needed to not think. His dark curls bounced on his head as he bobbed to the music and his hand tapped on the steering wheel completely off beat. The sound system was good, the music poured through crisp and clear, you could hear from the sound that Jordan had paid top notch for it and I felt a tinge of jealous course through my body because money comes so easy to my friends.
We pulled up into the parking lot, with Zak and Ben following closely behind. As I got out the car I could feel all eyes on me, looking at me like I was their prey. I sighed to myself, ignoring all of the wandering gazes. If only they could see the monster underneath, they wouldn’t be so quick to check me out.
“I hope we get classes together this year.” Zak said.
Zak was my other friend, he helped me out a lot taking the wrap for a lot of the shit that I do. His parents are mega rich and they provide a lot of the funding for our school so Principal Jenkins won’t suspend him. His dad also paid a hooker to bed him and take pictures as evidence, he threatens him periodically with blackmail and anything that Zak does stays off his record, so it doesn’t affect college applications. Zak pretty much runs the school.
“Hey Jord, I got a little something for Olive that I think you’ll like.” Ben said hopefully.
Hearing Ben’s voice soured my mood slightly, or maybe it was hearing her name on his lips, I don’t know. He hung around with us all the time but I actually could not stand him. He’s the type of person who says what he thinks we want to hear just to fit in with the crowd. He doesn’t have opinions of his own and he tries so hard to impress us, usually by bullying some poor fucker. Plus there was a whole incident with Olivia last year when he pretended to date her for two months and then broke it off telling everyone the whole thing was fake.
For two months I had to watch them together, all for nothing.
Don’t go there Liam.
“Hey Liam, how about we meet up later?” Ruby approached me trying to act sweet and innocent but we all knew she was anything but. I had previously avoided her because she seemed to be clingy and we have a bit of a history but I’m honestly running out of girls now and I needed to forget.
“I’m running out of choices now so I’ll let you know.” I replied coldly, barely giving her any eye contact.
“Oh, okay. Text me.” She said desperately before leaving.
“Man, Liam you’re colder than the arctic.” Jordan said before slapping my back.
With the contact my body froze instantly and the darkness came swirling in reminding me of my nightmare and the man that forced me to do things against my will. I wanted to scream, my whole body crawled with a itchiness that I needed to fight off. My fists clenched and I focused my mind on slowly counting back down from five ... four ... three ... two ... one.
When I opened my eyes nothing around me had changed, everyone got on with their own business, oblivious to my mood swing, even my friends had no idea what just happened. They had moved on to someone elses expense.
Jordan thrust his hips backwards and forwards as the others laughed at his jokes. There she was. Standing there receiving all of this backlash from my friends in a completely unprovoked attack.
There she was, coming to my rescue again but she didn’t even know it. She was the distraction to my friends that prevented them finding out the truth about me. Ben shoved a small perspex box in my hand filled with olives, I looked down at it and then back at her. Jordan, Zak and Ben were pelting olives at her and in that moment I didn’t know what to do.
Crowds gathered in the hallway expressing their amusement through roars of deafening laughter. I gripped an olive in my hand, willing myself not to throw it but I couldn’t face questions if anyone was to notice. I skimmed the smooth surface under my skin, preparing to launch. Her radiant green eyes sparkled under the LEDs, filling up with water that threatened to escape. I felt the darkness pooling in around, strangling me. Forced into something I didn’t want to do, again. Ben looked at me with a questioning glance and my heart rate quickened, I’d been caught stalling.
Olive just tell us to stop, stick up for yourself and we’ll stop.
Under Bens scrutiny I threw the olive in her direction, hitting her square on the shoulder. At least I didn’t get the face. The tears fell, dampening the smooth skin of her cheeks. She pushed past us all heading towards the girls bathroom to let out her true feelings I assume.
I felt like shit, but I needed to keep telling myself that her hating me was a good thing. It’s for the best because she’s so pure and I’m so evil.