Lex Part One

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16

I pushed the door open with more force than I meant to use. Alex hugged onto me tighter, mind linking with me, "Are you ok?" His little voice in my head was comforting. I walked over and set him down on the bed. The bed was just as intimidating as the rest of the house and I felt myself getting angry it's grandeur. I looked around the room. The four post canopy bed, matching double dresser and bedside tables. The two open doors that held racks of clothes that went deeper than I cared to explore, and I didn't bother to look behind the door that I assumed led to the bathroom. The more I saw the more I hated it. The obvious display of money. Superior status because of blood relation. It was disgustiing to me. Why do we need this. At first I had thought it was funny but that was before I saw just how big this place was. I was clenching my teeth so hard I felt one of my wisdom teeth crack. But of course because I'm now some hybrid freak that I never asked to be my teeth were already healing. This is some bullshit. I turned and punched a whole straight through the wall behind me. Del was at my side and wrapped her arms around me, bear hugging me. She brought me down to the ground and wrapped her legs around my middle before turning me over and pinning me to the ground. I didn't try to resist her. I had no want to resist her. In a second all the fight I had me was gone and I had this overwhelming desire to just no exist. I looked up at her as the tears just poured. I hated this. I hate this house. I hate my choice to become what I am was taken from me. I hate that I have no idea who I am any more. But looking into Del's eyes I felt guilty. She hadn't liked it but she had respected my wishes and never turned me against my will. She didn't know that things were going to play out the way they had. It wasn't anyones fault except the bastards that took her. That's when another reality hit me. She's pregant. "Oh god. I'm sorry. Are you ok? Is the baby ok?", I truly feel like an ass right now. Del leaned down and placed her forehead against mine. Slowly she released my hands satisfied my outburst was over and brought her hands up to cup my face. I really have got to get a handle on my emotions. I struggled as it was with my mental health I'm not sure I can handle this. Though I've got to give myself credit I held it together for awhile with out losing my shit. Alex joined us, sitting cross legged on the floor above my head. He reached over and started twirling a piece of Del's hair, almost like he was trying to figure out how to braid it. I let out a deep breath,"I'm sorry you guys. I know it's no excuse but I just haven't really figured things out yet. I've been focused on getting Del back and I guess it all just finally caught up to me. You deserve better." They looked at each other for a moment before letting me have it.
Del, "You're kidding me right?"
Alex, "Who would be better than you?"
Del, "Is this really how you feel about yourself? After all this time I thought we had gotten you past this. You aren't the unworthy monster you think that you are. We-", she pointed from Alex to herself, "love you. And that's not going to change. I know it'll take some time for you see what we see, but you have to give yourself a break. Your mom was wrong. Now you have a chance to be a better mom than she ever was."
Alex, "It's ok mama, mom is right. We see you."
Both mine and Del's heads snapped in his direction, shocked. He had just called us both mom, in the same sentence. We quickly clamored into sitting positions and engulfed him in hugs and kisses. He didn't resist and quickly becaome a little ball of giggles. In that moment I think I really accepted that I was actually surrounded by love. People I love, who do love me back. I had to let go of my mother's criticism. Never being skinny enough, tall enough, sporty enough, smart enough, she even bought me skin lightening bars of soap so that I could be the right shade of caramel. My hair was always an issue, having to use almost a whole bottle of hair gel or mouse every morning to tame it to her idea of perfection. The years of feeling like I would never add up. When if I really think about were preparing me for the day that I met my real family and I was the person they needed me to be. I just had to give my self a chance is all. I could do that, right? I could try to give myself some credit. I had new things to learn and plenty more to focus on. I could make a vision board or a little list of priorities and set my mind to work. After all that's when I'm at my best, is when I've got a mission to of some kind. But where to start... Well first we have to get this boy bathed, jammies put on and in bed. It was already almost one in the morning. He shouldn't still be awake. I rose to my feet and clapped my hands together. "Shows over people, we have a house, food, clothes and sleep to catch up on. Lets get this bed time train moving. Let's go. Up off youre butt."' I playfully coaxed them as I backed up towards the door. Del looked down at Alex who had a huge scowl on his face while he stared at me. She busted up laughing, Practically rolling on the floor and holding her sides. At one point her laugh turned to abrupt snorts. I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Ok, yeah I have some mood swings. But Del wasn't perfect either her temper was a force to reckon with. I've only seen glimpses of it. Usually becuase when we had gone out to the bar or something and someone had grabbed my ass.
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