I'm so not in the mood for this right now. I thought to myself tiredly.
"Hey Brit." Clayton said calmly
"Yeah hey Clay... I'll give you exactly two minutes to explain to me why you lied to me about where you were and who you were with." She said while scowling at me.
"Look Brittany you know that me and Angela grew up together and we kinda lost contact with each other these last few years, so the other day I suggested we go to New York for the weekend." he said in a rush.
"So you went to New York with this loser AND lied to me about it... And you think I'm just gonna believe that you two didn't do anything?" she said angrily.
"What!? What are you talking about Brittany? We didn't do anything! You know I would never cheat on you!" he screamed at her looking frustrated and angry.
"Look Brittany you know he would never cheat on you. He's your boyfriend you should have a little faith in him. Plus it's not like he'd do anything even if you weren't his girlfriend so I don't see what your worried about. What? Is he not even allowed to be friends with me? You can't dictate who he decides to spend his time with Brittany.its not like he does it to you." I said angrily and without meaning to butt in...
I'm sooo tired of this shit.
Clayton looked at me with wide eyes and his mouth agape.
I'm just tired.
She stepped forward getting close to my face. "So you expect me to believe that you went to New York on some spur of the moment getaway and didn't cheat on me with her? You really expect me to believe that crap!?" she asked looking between me and Clayton.
"Well yes! You know I would never cheat Brittany! " he screamed at her taking a step forward.
"IT'S NOT YOU I'M WORRIED ABOUT!" She screamed looking at me with a scowl.
"What are you even talking about Brittany!? Angela wouldn't do anything were friends. I didn't cheat!" he screamed angrily.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see Luce and Uncle Andy coming out of the house to stand on the porch.
"He's right! you know I don't have the guts to do anything Brittany! And even if I did he wouldn't do anything so stop being a bitch and just forgive him! He didn't do anything! We didn't do anything!!" I screamed at her angrily.
I'm tired of this!
Clayton suddenly looked between me and Brittany "What do you mean you don't have the 'guts' to do anything Angela? " he asked while taking a step towards me.
I went pale. Fuck I should have kept my mouth shut!
"She means she's in love with you but doesn't have the guts to tell you." Brittany said with a smirk as if she won.
She has. He'll never understand.
Fuck I'm tired.
'Tell the truth honey' I remember my mom saying.
Clayton took a step back looking down at me in shock as if he was waiting for me to tell him she's lying. I took a step back and looked up at him with a sad smile.
"What do you mean 'she's in love with me'?" he asked bewildered. "Angela she's lying right?"he asked looking at me waiting for my reply.
I looked down at the ground shuffling my feet. "No... It's. It's not a lie... I'm.. I'm in love with you Clayton." I said finally looking up at him with a sad smile.
"All... All this time? How... How long Angela?" he asked taking a deep breath.
I saw Brittany move to sit on the porch stairs and looked up to see Luce smiling at me nodding her head.
Show time Angela... Time to tell the truth.
"Clayton. I've always been in love with you. Ever since I could understand what love was and even before I did." I said determined.
It's time mom. I'm finally keeping my promise to you.
'Honey promise me you'll tell him how you feel. Please, do it for me.' she had said with a weak smile. I had only nodded my head.
Clayton looked at me like I was crazy. "What do you mean you've always been in love with me!? " he screamed taking a step forward "You lied!?...so your trying to tell me that you've been in love with me for 12 years!?" he asked angrily.
I nodded and he grabbed my shoulders shaking me as if to wake me up. "Angela what does this mean!? Has it all been a lie!?" he asked angrily.
I stood tall with looking up at him. I shook my shoulders and removed his hand from them.
"Clayton Blake I've been in love with you my whole life. The day I met you. Was the day everything in my life changed. When we were seven and I asked my mom if I was sick because I would get butterflies in my stomach, and become really red faced when I was around you, my mom laughed at me and explained what love is. From that moment I was very sceptical. Always trying to understand it. And then when we were eight and you started sneaking me out at midnight to go to the park bench and cuddle under the blanket and talk until sunrise, I started understanding it better." I took a breath and looked down.
"One of those mornings when we were sitting looking at the sunrise and you had your arms around me cause it was so cold, I looked up at you and the sun's rays were shinging through your hair and hilighting your beautiful blue eyes. I understood at that exact moment what my mom had meant when she explained what love was. My mom had said that love was when you looked at someone and it was like and explosion happened in your heart. You would get lost in heir eyes and want to constantly be with them. At that exact moment an explosion happened in my heart." I said trying to calm myself but tears started streaming down my face.
I took a breath looking up at Clayton. He was pale and looked like he was about to say something but I put my hand up silencing him and continued, "Since that day I knew for a fact that I was in love with you. Everything started changing after that. Not that you realized it though. But our parents did. My mom already knew from the moment I asked her what love was and my dad somehow gradually figured it out by himself. Your mom saw me staring at you at your 9th birthday party and pulled me one side to ask me what was wrong. And so she figured out my feelings for you and told your dad. I begged and pleaded for her to not tell anyone exspecialy not you." I said and he just looked at me with a frown.
The tears kept coming.
"Over the years it gradually grew and grew... But I wasn't brave enough to tell you... Because... Because. " my voice kept breaking.
"Because I'm not like them." I said pointing to Brittany who was looking down at the ground.
"I'm not beautiful, or dumb. I feel uncomfortable wearing slutty clothes and don't go to parties because I prefer to sit in my room alone with Queen playing and reading my favorite book instead of getting drunk and throwing myself at random guys even though I have a boyfriend." I said angrily giving Brittany I look that says 'you know that I'm talking about'.
Clayton looked at her with a frown and turned back to me.
"I'm the childhood friend, the nurd, loser, bitch, neighbour, sister, dissapointment and I'm babe but it's not in the way I want to be. I want you to mean it every time you call me babe. I wanna be your babe. But I'm not. Because I'm not like her, or Amber, or Kelly or Jessica or Riley. I'm not the cheerleader. I'm the one who sits at the bleachers reading. I prefer sneakers and t-shirts over high heels and short skirts. I'm the one that watches anime and sci-fi movies over romcoms. I'm the one you come to every time one of them give you problems. I'm only there when you need advice over why you guys are in a fight or what tie to wear ever year to prom to match their dress." I say with a choked sob.
"But I'm also the one that makes you laugh when you know your about to cry, I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams. I know where you belong... And it's with me. But I also know I won't ever be your choice. I won't be that girl because I'm this girl." I try to wipe away my tears but they keep coming.
Clayton takes a step towards me but I just take on back. "Angela, I.. I didn't know. I... -"
I put my hands up "No Clayton. I know you didn't know. I'm just.. I'm tired Clayton. I'm tired of lying to you every day. The guilt is killing me. And I'm tired of Brittany and the bullying, the beatings...the.. the loneliness. Clayton I'm tired. I don't have the strength to fight anymore. I can't do this anymore." I say with a sigh.
"What.. What do you mean beatings? Bullying? What are you talking about?" he looks at me with a frown.
Sigh "I mean the beatings that your whore of a girlfriend over there had some players on the football team beat me up... And in return she would sleep with them. So of course the did it. It's not like she cared. Or them. Or you." I said angrily wiping my tears away.
"The bullying that started after she spread false rumors in school about me. At first it was little thing like calling me names. But then it escalated to throwing me with food in the cafeteria or pushing me into my locker every morning. Or tripping me at track practice so that I couldn't get a spot on the team." I said. A sob wracked my body.
This is so hard.
Clayton looked stunned and then turned to Brittany angrily stomping to her and pulling her up by her arm.
"How could you do that to her!? Is it because of me!? Well guess what Brittany. We're over. I don't want to see your face or hear your voice. Nothing. Were done. Goodbye! " he said, his voice dangerously deep.
"What!? You can't do this! We've been together for two years!!" she screetched at him pulling free from his grasp.
"I can. And I will. And I did. Goodbye!" he said looking at her with disgust.
She turned and stomped to and slapped in right in the face "This is all your fault! Look what you did you-" before she could finish Clayton grabbed her and pushed her to her car.
"NO! this is all your fault. You cheated on me. You dress like a slut. You used me. And you gave the adasity to blame someone else for things that are clearly you fault." he said and open the door before pushing her into her car and slamming the door behind her.
She huffed angrily and road away.
Clayton turned towards me with a look of remorse etched into his features.
I looked down and carried on speaking, "Do you remember our promise Clayton?" I asked looking up as he walked closer till he was a few steps infront of me.
"Which promise?" he asked curiously.
I smiled sadly. Of course you don't remember. I thought sadly.
"The one we made the day of my mom's funeral." I said looking up at him.
"That's the one. You broke it Clayton. You broke our promise." I said and started crying again.
"I... I didn't mea-"
He was about to speak again but I cut him off quickly.
"Do you remember why you made that promise... Because three years later I had to go for the leukemia test and you promised to be there like you were when my mom died. So you made a promise that even if I had leukemia you'd still always be there for me. Where were you Clayton?" I asked
He looked at me sadly. "That's right you don't have an answer do you?... I though so. That was the year you met Brittany. And everything changed. You were so obsessed with her you forgot about me. About the test. About our promise. You stopped talking to me and whenever Brittany was there, I didn't exist. She's your sun and I'm just that random star you pass by on occasion. You stopped hanging out with me. You stopped inviting me to your birthday parties or to your house to have dinner with your parents. You just forgot about me and my lonely ugly existence." I spat angrily.
I'm tired of this.
He looked so remorseful. But I'm not done yet.
"You know after I lost my mom. I lost everyone else. It started with losing her and then my dad. You out know he won't even come home at all because I look like my mom. And then I thought I could still have hope because I had you. But then you met her and I lost you too. I had to go take that test on my own. It was terrifying no knowing if I would die or not. Looks like I'll live thought since I don't have Leukemia. But I don't have anyone anymore Clayton. No parents. No Carebear. No friends. No one. Just an empty house with memories that break my heart a little more every day. You gave up on me and now I'm giving up on myself too Clayton. I don't want your pity, your tears or your sadness. I don't want you to apologize or anything." I said with a sad smile.
"I give up Clayton. I'm not your babe. Your not my Carebear. We're not childhood friends. I'm just the girl that lives across the road and goes to the same school as you. I'm the nurd and loser. I'm no one." I said and stepped closer to him.
My eyes are burning. I'm tired
"Goodbye Clayton Blake. I'll never forget you. I'll never fall out of love for you. I'm sorry I'm a disappointment." I said with a sob.
Was the last thought I had before I fell asleep on my bed.