The Music Goes On
One good thing that came out of this morning is that the kids had a splendid breakfast. I made them pancakes, eggs, bacon, and sausage. It is not normal for me to cook breakfast, and especially not a feast like this. I needed to keep moving though, if I stopped the sight of them in my living room floods my mind. After the kids have eaten, I grab the broom and dustpan so that I can go sweep up the glass from the broken bottle. I know that later the kids will be in the living room, and I would not be able to forgive myself if one of them got hurt because of my stupid anger.
I hate that I even have to walk back into my living room. It feels tainted now. I am mad at myself for throwing the bottle against the wall. Now I have to be the one to clean up the mess. I guess that is what I always do, clean up messes. I sigh as I move the chair away from the wall. I am going to have to pull out the vacuum to clean the glass off of the chair. As I sweep up the glass the anger that had started to dissipate is back to roaring. I would not have this extra cleaning to do if those two had cared one iota for my happiness. Neither of them were what could be called true friends, and it hurt that I had to see them that way.
I angerly pop the top off the trash bin and dump the shattered pieces of glass inside. I am fully aware that I am acting like a child, but right now I do not have an outlet for my anger. In my mind I could justify my actions, and it was better than punching a wall. I jerk open the closet door to grab the vacuum out and push it into the living room. I use the hose attachment to clean up the shards of glass that were too small to pick up by hand, ensuring that I removed the cushion in order to get all of the pieces of glass up. I would love to just set this chair, and my couch on fire but I do not have the money to replace them. Instead I put the vacuum away, and stomp into the kitchen to grab the disinfectant out from under the sink. I spray it heavily all over the couch and the chair. Finally, I grab the blanket and pillows I had left out for Donavon to use and start washing them in the washing machine.
With all of the cleaning done, I call Levi down to have a chat with him. I calmly explain that Kendra was not helping with bills and will no longer be staying with us. Levi is the eldest of my children, barely thirteen but he is mature. I let him know that I can not afford to hire a sitter, so until I can find a day job, I am going to need him to keep an eye on his younger siblings.
I hate having to ask my son for help. He is a child; he should not be worried about the adult world. I have never really asked my son to watch his younger siblings because I held onto the belief that children should not be playing adult. I chose to have children, he did not. This is not his responsibility, but I am firmly out of options at the moment. Of course, Levi agrees to the situation, and I explain to him that he will have a phone here with him and can call me for any emergencies. Even with my son agreeing to help watch his younger siblings, I feel like a failure as a mother. In just a few short months their world has completely changed. I had hoped to keep the separation away from them, so that they did not end up with emotional scars. I have to find a way to fix my life, for the sake of my children.
With everything checked off my to do list, I finally stumble up the stairs and into bed. After working all night and the scene this morning I am emotionally and physically drained. Snuggling beneath my comforter, my brain will not shut off. I find tears falling once again as I think of Kendra and Donavon having sex on my couch. Kendra’s betrayal is fresh and new in my mind. Somehow knowing that she went behind my back after all the late-night talks, we have had it is heart wrenching. I truly thought of her as my best friend and had come to lean on her emotionally throughout this time. I hurts me so much because she knew how much I still cared for Donavon. It was like finding out that he cheated on me all over again. I fall asleep, sobbing into my pillow.
Far too soon my alarm is blaring, and I know that I have to get up. My body is aching, but I need to get up and make dinner for the kids. Then I have to get ready for work again. I hate that I have to work so much. That line of thinking sparks the embers of my anger once again. I hate that Donavon can gallivant all over and not have to pay a dime for the children he helped create. I need to contact child support and see what I can get done, because I can not continue like this. Bills have piled up; I have nowhere to turn. After this morning there is no reason for me to play nice with him anymore. He is the one that is messed up. He is the one that tore our family apart, therefore he should be the one that has to help pay for the damage he has done.
I quickly check my phone and see that I have missed messages from Kendra. I am too mad to even look at them right now. Her betrayal hurts more than his. She knew how it affected me when I found out that Donavon was having no problems screwing every other girl in town, but he could not keep his pathetic dick up for his own wife. I had leaned on Kendra, been vulnerable with her. Truthfully, she was the only person in Oregon that I considered a true friend. I am quickly finding out that I am a bad picker of people in my life.
Pushing aside my thought I check in with the kids, who are blissfully playing. I head downstairs and throw some chicken in the oven. As I am puttering around the kitchen gathering ingredients to make a pasta as a side my phone dings. I want to ignore it because I am almost positive that it is Kendra. Oddly, I still pull my phone out to check who messaged me. To my delight it is actually Jayce that is messaging me.
In the mental and emotion commotion from earlier I had not really thought of Jayce today. I guess that is a good thing, because although we pressed a boundary, he is not my boyfriend. Still seeing his name pop up on my phone brings a smile to my face. Hopefully, this means that our relationship has not changed, and that he is still comfortable with us having sex. I wish I did not have to work tonight because I could definitely use some time with Jayce. The world disappears when he is working his magic on my body.