Wrong Way Up

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Friends Are Not Lovers

Looking down at my phone I am hating the fact that I have to work tonight. I could use a moment where I do not have to think at all, just feel and react. Jayce’s message is asking me how my day was. I do not know if I should be honest with him. Yes, we had an amazing talk, where we both opened up about our life but would today be too much for him to handle? Would I farther be crossing the line if I told him that I was not doing well? Evidently, I take too long pondering how to answer because he sends another text. This time he is asking if he did anything wrong.

Obviously, I am overthinking the situation. I quickly let him know that no he did nothing wrong I am just having a bad day. He asks if I want to come over. I tell him that I would love to but that I have to work tonight. He sends me a sad emoji face. I agree with him it is sad. Just thinking about Jayce’s hands and lips on my body is enough to make me wet. Then he asks me if this is weird. I had to think about it for a moment.

Is it weird that Jayce and I crossed that line? Do I want more with Jayce? Do I have feelings for him? I like our sexual chemistry, but do I actually like Jayce? In truth I do not know. I liked talking to him and hearing his troubles as well. We had a great vibe going on the other night but was it a one-time thing or something that could last. I decide that I am too emotionally burnt out to figure it out tonight.

Finally, I text Jayce back letting him know that no it is not weird, and that I loved talking to him the other night. It was nice being able to actually talk to someone about everything that was going on. I asked him how his day was, and we spent a little bit of time texting back and forth. Jayce ends up asking me again what is wrong, he says that something feels off and if I need to, I can call him.

I tell him no that I can not call right now. The kids are up, and I am cleaning the house before I have to get to work. I tell him that I just need to throw on some music and get my motivation going. After that text I set my phone down and grab the broom. I decide to sweep the hallway between the living and dining room just in case any glass flew in the hallway. I really do not want the kids to get hurt. As I walk back into the dining room, my phone lights up. I wonder who is texting me and grab it to find out. I see the message is from Jayce. He is sending me songs to listen to. I have to admit that he has good taste in music, and I send him a quick text thanking him and letting him know that I love the songs.

I grab a pair of headphones, plug them into my phone and start jamming out to the songs that Jayce has sent me. I love music, and I think I told Jayce this. The songs he sends me are a great playlist that transports me back to better days in my life. He does not stop sending me songs and I listen to each one. It is almost as if we are having a full conversation without even saying a word between us. Happy, upbeat tunes fill my ears as I dance in the dining room with the broom. I can not thank Jayce enough for his thoughtfulness. I send him a few of my favorite songs so that he has something to listen to as well.

Jayce continues sending me songs as I get food prepped up on the kid’s plates. I am still nervous about having to work overnight and there not being an adult here with the kids. My son is very mature though, and I am sure that everything will be fine. For the most part my kids behave very well. I thank Jayce again for the music before I call the kids downstairs for dinner. He says it is no problem and that he hopes that I have a great night. I smile at his words. Maybe there are feelings developing between Jayce and me? I try to push the thought from my brain.

The truth is this morning taught me that I do not pick good people to be in my life. I like to see the good in people. I would like to believe that there are good hearted people in the world, that like to do the right thing. As I sit down with my children for dinner, I cannot help but think that no matter how hard I try I am failing them. Perhaps I was too sheltered growing up.

My grandparents had raised me for most of my childhood. My mother had been an alcoholic and she was not around much. I did not mind I loved my grandparents. They lived on a large farm, in a rural part of Kansas. I spent my summers outside laughing and playing in the sun, not a care in the world. I was taught how to bake and cook. At night I amused myself with catching fireflies in the yard, and just enjoying being a kid. I was taught that marriage was for life. My grandparents had been married for over sixty years, and after my grandmother passed my grandfather never entertained another female. Through thick and thin they stuck together, and that is what I wanted for my life. Perhaps they sheltered me from the world too much. I was not exposed to the darker side of society, and now I seem to be surrounded by it. Now I am questioning everything, and everyone in my life.

My heart is heavy as I lay my children down for the night. Once again, I go over the rules with Levi, ensuring that he has the cell phone next to him in case he needs to call me. I even made him show me that he knew how to use it before I would leave. With one last hug I leave home and go to work. My mind and heart are heavy about the whole situation. I hate that my kids have to pick up the slack from their father.

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