Wrong Way Up

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Static Brain

My life quickly fell into a new routine. The kids were helping around the house more. I switched from caregiving at night, to caregiving during the day. The bills were still piling up quickly, so I took a second job that was part time working as a bartender. I did not get to see Jayce that much anymore, but we have shared a few more nights of unbridled passion. The sex was definitely my favorite stress relief. I filed for child support from Donavon, but nicely got informed that because he is considered a disabled Veteran there was not much that they could do. They could not garnish his disability check, and he never applied for social security, so the children do not get benefits from that either. I basically get told that I can pursue a child support case if I want to, but it would be a huge waste of my time.

It seemed like no matter how much I worked the bills got higher and higher, and there was no help in sight. I used coupons to help cut down on the food costs. I had also been going to the food pantry when I needed to help keep the house stocked up. My pride got broken the day I had to apply for food stamps, but things were getting harder and harder to handle. I tried my hardest to keep the electric bill down, telling the kids to turn off lights as much as possible. We were all finding new ways to shave down the bills. It still was not enough, and by November I was behind on my car payment, had no insurance, the electric bill was overdue, and the internet got shut off completely.

I tried calling Donavon and asking for help, but somehow, he blamed me for us splitting up and told me to deal with the consequences. He stated that in his eyes neither the children nor I wanted him, so he was no longer their father. It broke my heart to hear him say that. I hated that Donavon got to make these kids with me, and then disappear as if he did not have a care in the world. It just seemed incredibly unfair. None the less I knew that I had to find a way to make this work, before the kids and I ended up homeless and on the streets.

I thought about finding a roommate, and I could not stop my brain from drifting to Jayce. He was a father and we get along well enough, but I did not truly know Jayce. It dawned on me that I still do not know what Jayce does for a living, other than he helps take care of his parents. I know a little bit about his past, but I have never met any of his friends or family. I do not fully trust him, because I cannot trust myself to be a good judge of character. There was a girl at work but again I ran into the same problem, I do not truly know her. The clock was ticking, and I needed to find a solution fast.

I started picking up any shift that I could find. Then I started scouring the newspapers for odd jobs that people needed done. There was not much that I was not willing to do. I was hardly home, and now I never seen Jayce at all. It was miserable and lonely. If I was home, I was basically sleeping. Levi was essentially raising his siblings, and I hated myself for that. He was a child he deserved a happy healthy home in which he could be a child. Thankfully by mid-November I was able to pay most of the power bill and they agreed to let me make payments on the rest. Tips were getting better at the bar, but I was still not working the weekend shifts which were money makers. It had been almost three weeks since I had seen Jayce, but at least I was finding a way to keep the house going.

Towards the end of November, I had lost a considerable amount of weight. I was working my tail off, and I was exhausted. The constant stress of worrying over money, and bills were taking its toll on me. I felt like a failure as a person, and a total disaster as a mother. I had permanent dark circles under my eyes, my hair was no longer glossy, and it was falling out in places. My feet were blistered and cracked that sometimes they would bleed when I took off my shoes. I was using energy drinks to stay up as long as possible, and my eating habits were almost nonexistent. I knew that I was killing myself, but with Christmas just around the corner I could not slow down.

I was gifted a miracle at the beginning of December. A local church had selected my kids for Christmas gifts. I was over the moon. Even if they were not coming from me, at least they would have something under the tree on Christmas morning. That thought made me feel a lot better about the situation I had found myself in.

Jayce hardly ever texts me anymore. I do not blame him, every time he would text me, I would have to tell him I was working. I had the electric bill taken care of, but I was still behind on my car payment. I had once again asked Donavon for help but like normal he said that he could not. I hated him more with every passing day.

One night as I was bartending, I got a text from Jayce asking what I was doing. I told him I was at work, and where I was working. It was a slow night, so no one minded that I was on my phone for a moment. After I texted him that information though I did not hear back from him. It hurt a little because I guess I did develop some feelings for Jayce. He was a nice guy and I missed talking to him. Just then the door to the bar opened and I looked up to greet the new customer, and in walked Jayce.

I was stunned that he was here, and I did not know what to say. Jayce came into my work, to see me. He sauntered over to the bar, smiling the entire time. I got some butterflies in my stomach as he got closer.

“Since you never have time to come see me beautiful, I decided to come see you.” Hearing his deep voice brings back images of our bodies entwined together, and I find myself feeling a little flushed.

“Sorry, you know how it is especially with the holidays right around the corner.” I let out a nervous little giggle. I do not know how to behave in this situation. I do not want to read more into it, than what it is.

“Can I get a beer please?” I turn around and grab Jayce a beer, hoping that my face is not as red as it feels. I hand him his beer and watch him tip it back and take a big swig. I am very flattered that he came down to my work to see me.

We spend the next thirty minutes or so catching up and telling jokes. He says that he misses our fun time, and I have to remind myself yet again that we do not have a relationship that we are friends that have sex. I tell him about my crazy schedule, and he shakes his head telling me that I am killing myself. I know he is right, but I do not have a choice right now.

Jayce stays for over an hour, just making small talk with me. Occasionally I have to leave to help another customer, but I do not stay away from him too long. I have missed him like crazy and I wish that I did not have to work in the morning. A night with Jayce would be the perfect ending to my day.

All too soon for me Jayce says he has to go, he has to get up early in the morning and help his mother go grocery shopping. I step away from the bar and go wrap my arms around him. He gives me a big hug, and gropes my butt, making me chuckle. I have missed him a lot, and just being this close to him has wild fantasies running through my head. Jayce is still holding me, and I do not want him to let go. I love feeling his hands on me, and his arms around me. I hope that I can find time to spend with Jayce soon.

Jayce turns his head and gives me a kiss before letting go. It is not the deep passionate kisses that I have gotten used to in our time together. It is the kind of sweet kiss that a man gives a woman that he cares about. I think about this for the rest of my shift. Finally, I get to close up the bar and head home. Jayce is on my mind as I finally lay down for a quick two-hour nap before going back to work. I dream of Jayce cuddling me before bed. I wake up depressed that the moment only existed in my mind.

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